Wedding party dilemma

scrpio421 · August 2011

So when my FI got engaged back in March, we started discussing the wedding party. I started by saying that it was extremely important to me that I have 2 of my brothers in the party, because he wanted to pick all the guys and I pick only girls. He has 4 sisters and stressed how much it didn't matter to him if any of them were in it. I pressed the matter for months to make sure he was positive on this before I started asking my girls and filled all the spots (we were having 4 of each). He was still indifferent about it so I went ahead and choose 4 girls, since I am not close with his sisters, I didn't choose them.
Well, now a few months later, his sisters are inquiring about who is going to be in the wedding party and now he thinks he should have put 1 or 2 in. We have been avoiding answering who the wedding party in because I realised it's going to look like it's my fault.What do I do? I am supposed to go shopping with my girls on wednesday, so they will obviously know they are a last minute addition if I do put them in. Second, we were really trying to keep the cost down and I don't want a lop sided wedding party, so he would have to add another guy.
And then how do we ask 1 sister and not the other 3? Is it cheezy to make one or two sisters readers when I have 2 brothers in the wedding party?
I need help ASAP! Any advice is appreciated!

mariegra · August 2011

Is there another way you can involve the sisters without making them BMs?

We have FI's sister handing out programs and bubbles, (with the brothers as ushers). Also, the siblings are all participating in our "hand fasting" ritual--each of the siblings will be tying one of the cords.

Maybe yours could do a reading or something in the ceremony?

cg-pm52111 · August 2011

My brother was a groomsman and neither of DHs siblings were part of the wedding at all. My DH and brother are close, while my SIL and I are not. If they are asking, you need to politely say that you've chosen your 4 closest friends (it's the truth, after all). And if they make a stink, then I think your FI needs to chat with them and explain that you, as a couple, made a choice to only have 4 members of the bridal party each.
I think it would be a little rude to include only 1 or 2 of the sisters and not the other. Brainstorm other responsibilties for them if they really want to be included. GL!

Spree0629 · August 2011

I agree that that you should be honest that you chose your closest friends. I think saying that you didn't want to have to choose between the sisters may be an easy way out. I think it would be awkward to choose one sister over another and possibly cause family drama. I don't think at this point it makes sense to suddenly add them.

Good luck!

DirtyWater · August 2011

I agree with CG-PM. Tell them you each have 4 people and you chose your closest friends. It would be hard to choose one or two out of the four and not hurt anyone's feelings in the process.

I'm dealing with the same issue because FI only wanted one of his sisters in our wedding, because he isn't close to the other (she lives in CO). If anyone says anything we will have one reading and ask her to do it.

DrPB2b13 · August 2011

Be honest. I think it's highly likely they're just curious about how your planning has been going, rather than trying to inquire into whether or not they'll be standing with you; I have tons of people ask me if I've chosen the WP yet, most of whom would have no realistic expectation that they would be asked.

YuMMMy721 · August 2011

I am making FI's sisters (he has 3 of them) Jr. bridesmaids, even though they will be 21, 18, and 17. I have picked a different dress for them (its tea length, and a different shade of purple) and they will not have matching guys. They also will not be included in all my Bridesmaid/wedding party picutes. This way, its not adding a ton of cost, but FI still gets to have his 3 sisters in the wedding.

scrpio421 · August 2011

Ok, so here's my update. Sunday night we went over and I felt a little sandbagged. So of course they brought up the wedding party. They asked point blank who was in our wedding. Instead of advoiding it, I thought it was a good opportunity to talk to them about being readers. I took advice and said that I didn't want to split them up so I'd like to have them share different roles at the wedding. Two said they would rather attend then be in it (great!!) the other two said they don't like to speak in front of crowds, but would love to be bridemaids. I said that the additional cost for 2 more bridemaids for flowers, wedding party gifts, and the rehearsal from them and their husbands was more than we were looking to spend. So they insisted that it wasn't going to be that much more expensive and I had to think of my FI and what he wants. I didn't get a whole lot of support from my FI which I'm pretty upset over, so I caved. Not only are they in it, but my FI also annouced to them that he was adding another guy!!! It was not a pleasant ride home. I'm upset over it, but there's not much I can do at this point. I just don't like how opinionated they are and they make me feel like I'm controlling if I don't go with things they want or things Branden sugests. I felt like I got ambushed and I'm so mad I fell right into their plan.

[Deleted User] · September 2011

So I'll throw it out there, even though some people don't like the idea, but they sound like they just want to be in the wedding party but not necessarily for YOU - the bride. Why not let them stand up for their brother instead? There are no rules that say you have to have an even number of attendants, and there's no rule that says the groom has to have men, and the bride has to have women. As I said, it's not popular for some brides to do this, but it might be something to help you keep your sanity?

scrpio421 · September 2011

YayBananas,
I did think about that, but I do think it looks strange. Plus I know their would have been something said because I have 2 guys on my brothers side. So it would be a mess, they would insist they have to be on my side!
I went dress shopping with all of them (well except my 2 OOT girls) and it actually went very well. Everyone liked and disliked the same dresses and it was narrowed down very easily. It did make me feel better, but I realized I do need to watch what I say. One of his sisters gets very defensive if there are any jokes made about my FI/her brother, even in fun. And one of my girls couldn't believe that he wanted to come dress shopping with the girls. Out of revenge he's now saying that I can't go with the guys to get fitted for tuxes. She was offended that I wouldn't let him come and that I shouldn't need to go with them tux shopping. Well, my FI has some weird outdated views of fashion. It's just like him to show up in an all white suit or something, so yeah I want to go to have peace of mind. I do hate how she always finds ways to make me feel controlling (which I'm really not). I'm a bride orchestrating a wedding. I am planning this entire thing, but far from a control freak. Other than her few comments, things went very well.I do find it hard to stand up to them (which I have no problems with the rest of the world) because it's so easy to cause drama in that family. The smallest things and every is talking about it and I get an earful from my FI weeks later.
I have to learn how to stand up to them without causing waves and looking like I'm a control freak. Is it possible?

DrPB2b13 · September 2011

[QUOTE]I have to learn how to stand up to them without causing waves and looking like I'm a control freak. Is it possible?[/QUOTE]

I think that depends on them. If I were you, I'd do my best to be as diplomatic and tactful as possible, but if all they want to see is a control freak, it's all they're going to see.

I am sorry things didn't work out quite the way you wanted. I hope you can find a good balance with your FSILs.

Wedding party dilemma

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