MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!

Keyeluh · March 2013

When I first got engaged, I had trouble thinking of who I would ask to be my MOH and BM. I have never had many friends, and originally my fiance and I were planning a short engagement, so I felt a little pressure to be making decisions quickly. At first I didn't want to ask my sister to be my MOH because she can be so opinionated and passive aggressive, but everyone talked me into it, and when I talked to her she raved about how much she loves weddings and how much she would love to help me and blah blah blah. She had just been married the year before so I decided logically it was a great decision. I asked her and she said yes. Now 3 months later, my fiance and I have moved our wedding to June of next year so that we could have the wedding we want instead of a rushed/stressful mess of a day.

Everytime I try to talk about my wedding my sister changes the subject to something unrelated revolving around her. When she does talk about the wedding with me, she is rude and tells me my ideas aren't going to work, or that she regrets not doing something someway so I should do it that way. She is dead set on us having our wedding in Hawaii, and when I tell her that is absolutely not even an option in our minds she just gets mad and pushy.

I really don't understand what her deal is, and she keeps referring to herself as "the most important person". I am really struggling and I honestly want to ask her to step down before she causes me more stress. I feel like if she's the one standing next to me on my day it will be a big fat lie. It's like the MOH is assumed to be the supporter of the bride, and in the case that she does the opposite of that I don't want her to be credited with that title?

I have made two good friends in the past few months and I would like to ask one of them to be my MOH and my sister could just be a BM with the other girls I have in mind.

I've also considered changing her title to Matron of Honor, asking the girl i want as Maid of honor, and just kinda including her more than my sister. These two other girls have been nothing but supportive and positive and that's the energy I want surrounding me rather than the negative, "I know it all" attitude.

I realize that this is "not proper" but I would rather ask her now in my early planning process than wait and let her put a damper on my day.

Any insight for me?

Thanks

Wheels987 · March 2013

I understand you want your sister to be involved in a certain way but it's never a good idea to force someone to be involved.

You've already asked her, so don't ask her to step down. That's just not nice and any problems you may currently have will just be magnified. Don't talk about wedding things with her (it seems like she might be wishy washy about wedding stuff anyways?). Just plan things with your fiance. If she asks, just say that things are going well right now, but nothing is finalized. Once it's finalized and she asks just say that it's all taken care of and paid for, so unfortunately you can't change things now.

Please please don't "kick her out". You already know it's not right. MOH is seriously just a title. The whole bridal party will be involved, not just your sister. Take a deep breath and stop stressing so much. It'll take out all the fun!

misssunshine17 · March 2013

I skimmed your post, but in short... no. Unless you want to look like a crazy bridezilla, you can't ask her to not be in your wedding. Unless she's harmed you physically or tried tosleep with your FI, you're stuck.

steign · March 2013

The only thing your MOH needs to do is show up the day of your wedding with her dress. Since you're not getting married until next year, I would not talk wedding talk with your sister for awhile. Maybe she is just burnt out from it.

Maggie0829 · March 2013

I didn't even read your post but like Misssunshine said, unless she has tried to sleep with your FI or has tried to physically harm you in some manner, then the answer to your question is no.

Keyeluh · March 2013

Thanks everyone for the input.

I do understand your perspectives, and I know that my post sounds like i'm upset because she's not "doing enough for me" but that's really not the root of my dismay.

I also recognize I asked her, and even though I truly didn't want her a part of my bridal party at all, I will have to live with it that she is there. It is difficult to get your point across with a text post and it is impossible to explain true backstory. My sister and I are not close. I do not feel the need to "honor" her because she's never been supportive in any part of my life, she has always been the first one ready to tear me down. I asked her because my family made me feel guilty that I was driving a wedge in the family if I didn't ask her, she told me this would be a bonding experience and I naively believed that.

I am only planning with my fiance, but when I mention things to him IN FRONT of her she interrupts our convo to change the subject. I have only called her once with a direct wedding question and this is when we were planning to get married in June of this year,

I will no longer be including her in any conversations, I will ask her dress measurements and inform her where to be and when. I feel frustrated because the way she's treated me and my fiance has definetly been much worse than it would have been had I never asked her to be a part of it at ll. But I am not a bride who is including many people in my planning, I have just felt like asking her to not be my MOH would relieve some of the pressure off her because she seems to be so unhappy having to be a part of it. And in return it would relieve the stress and pressure on me. This whole thing is making it difficult to even spend time with her or our family when she is around. So instead of celebrating our engagement with our family we've been avoiding the discomfort of fighting with her.

I guess that i feel sad that if i want to mention anything related to our love or our wedding we must do this in hiding. Because otherwise it causes quite a ruckus with her. But I will not be asking her to step down, instead I will just keep on doing what I'm doing. I was hoping that her "support" as in celebrating with me and my fiance and simply being happy for us would be present through our engagement and later through our marriage. But you can't have it all.

misssunshine17 · March 2013

No one is saying you have to be wedding bffs. Honestly, you shouldn't have asked her,but that boat has obviously sailed. Now you just have to deal. Don't mention anything wedding related to her unless it applies to a dress, which you don't need to worry about for over a year.

I just urge you to not consider asking her to 'step down.' This will only make you look bad.

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:c4dfc345-15b2-4a64-b3f7-839497e42840">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]This is yet another post that shows why you shouldn't choose your wedding party until about 8 months out from your wedding date. No, you can't demote her. No, you can't fire her.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

When I asked her we were less than 8 months from our wedding.

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:d35f698a-329f-4bda-9091-544852c618db">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]No one is saying you have to be wedding bffs. Honestly, you shouldn't have asked her,but that boat has obviously sailed. Now you just have to deal. Don't mention anything wedding related to her unless it applies to a dress, which you don't need to worry about for over a year. I just urge you to not consider asking her to 'step down.' This will only make you look bad.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

I agree, I won't include her in any wedding discussion. And her dress is all she needs to be involved in. Thank you.

Viczaesar · March 2013

No, you can't.

beardownbchs · March 2013

Ditto PPs. Also, a matron of honor is married and a maid of honor is not. Other than that, they're the same thing.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

What the others said. Also, if you think you are experiencing drama now, then you'd faint dead away at the amount of drama you'd produce by 'demoting' her. It's a massive public insult, and she'll. blow. the. roof. Promise.

Instead, have you considered the option of having TWO MOHs? You can, you know. There's no rule against it.

walgrrl · March 2013

Although I don't really know the full story between you and your sister, I can speak to you from an older sister's point of view. I know she may be giving unsolicited advice and insisting you do things a certain way and I also know this is probably stressful to you. But it might just be that she is doing it out of love because she wants you to have the best wedding possible.

I know that at times I get on my younger sister's nerves because I am always trying to guide and help her and giving her advice. In my mind, I am helping her because I love her and I want her to have the best of everything. From her perspective, I sometimes come across as a pushy nag. The good thing is, she is not afraid to call me on it, and when she does, I will back down.

I really don't try to annoy her, I just love her so much that I want her to have the best life possible, and when the time comes, the best wedding. A lot of times, an older sibling (especially if they're the oldest child like me) thinks it's their job to guide and help their younger siblings. We sometimes don't realize that we come across as pushy. I don't know your family dynamic, but maybe this is her way of showing love.

I could be way off, but just wanted to give another possible explanation. I also wanted to point out that, even though you're not close, she will always be your sister. Friends may come and go, but she will always be there.

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:a4a801bb-c41a-4fde-ad63-1afd1a886d29">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]What the others said. Also, if you think you are experiencing drama now, then you'd faint dead away at the amount of drama you'd produce by 'demoting' her. It's a massive public insult, and she'll. blow. the. roof. Promise. Instead, have you considered the option of having TWO MOHs? You can, you know. There's no rule against it.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I HAVE been thinking about this!!! Maybe THAT is the solution!! thanks!!

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:1e7e70ec-695a-4e86-b8cb-1f15bec48516">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I don't really know the full story between you and your sister, I can speak to you from an older sister's point of view. I know she may be giving unsolicited advice and insisting you do things a certain way and I also know this is probably stressful to you. But it might just be that she is doing it out of love because she wants you to have the best wedding possible. I know that at times I get on my younger sister's nerves because I am always trying to guide and help her and giving her advice. In my mind, I am helping her because I love her and I want her to have the best of everything. From her perspective, I sometimes come across as a pushy nag. The good thing is, she is not afraid to call me on it, and when she does, I will back down. I really don't try to annoy her, I just love her so much that I want her to have the best life possible, and when the time comes, the best wedding. A lot of times, an older sibling (especially if they're the oldest child like me) thinks it's their job to guide and help their younger siblings. We sometimes don't realize that we come across as pushy. I don't know your family dynamic, but maybe this is her way of showing love. I could be way off, but just wanted to give another possible explanation. I also wanted to point out that, even though you're not close, she will always be your sister. Friends may come and go, but she will always be there.
Posted by walgrrl[/QUOTE]

Thank you, I will try to think of it more in those terms. She is a sister by marriage, but I think her main form of communication with most people is "bossing". So it's probably not done intentionally to hurt anyone. Which makes it more understandable, but not always less hurtful? But I will try a new perspective and see if I can have more understanding from her side.

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:7fe6ce59-8eae-4223-a3b8-ae0b312a97be">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish you'd told us this from the start, although it doesn't change the answer. You are, unfortunately, stuck with her now that you've asked. Kicking her down will start a feud that will last for years past your wedding, and probably suck in those other family members. Follow Peles' advice, and ask a second MOH if you wish. Follow your own advice, and limit your sister's involvement to simply showing up. Brides, it's never a good idea to yield to family pressure. If they do this, say, "Thanks for the suggestion. I'll consider it." Then change the subject. Quietly ask those you wish. If it's brought up later, say, "I've selected my wedding party." Then change the subject. It's none of their business. Having someone in your wedding party won't bring anyone closer together, or change someone's personality.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

All too true, if only I could have had this insight BEFORE! Ha. Thank you, I will be using your advice on a response with any further decisions our families try to butt us into!

artbyallie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:a4a801bb-c41a-4fde-ad63-1afd1a886d29">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]What the others said. Also, if you think you are experiencing drama now, then you'd faint dead away at the amount of drama you'd produce by 'demoting' her. It's a massive public insult, and she'll. blow. the. roof. Promise. Instead, have you considered the option of having TWO MOHs? You can, you know. There's no rule against it.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Ordinarily, this might be a good idea. But promoting another bridesmaid to MOH <em>now</em> will be an obvious slight to the first MOH.</div>

kerbohl · March 2013

I love this bean dip thing, but don't you always have to have bean dip on you to make it work?

I'm sorry that your sister is acting like this, but just dial it back, tell her that you and FI are doing fine planning the wedding, and if you need someone to bounce wedding ideas off of, go to your other bridesmaids or come here!

I just think it is ridiculous that she decided that your wedding would be better in Hawaii, and when you said it wasn't an option she got angry. That is a little insane.

artbyallie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:90eaf069-68a8-41eb-8012-af20e4dca185">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?! : I don't think she's actually asked anyone else to be a BM yet so she wouldn't be promoting someone into the roll so I think she can totally do it.
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]

<div>Rereading the post I can't tell for sure, but if that's the case I agree.</div>

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:e310b5f4-d028-4eca-8c86-0f00ae566e19">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?! : Rereading the post I can't tell for sure, but if that's the case I agree.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

It's true, i've not formally asked anyone else yet! And I am waiting to ask anyone in an attempt to prevent another bad decision! Ha. I do have a friend whose been very great to bounce ideas off of, and I would consider her to be a 2nd MOH when the time comes!

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:d8812916-d942-4632-b2db-a3adc6504a8f">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In future....use "Bean Dipping." This is also called The Art of Changing the Subject and refusing To Discuss It. When someone raises a topic you don't want to talk about, or tries to force you into doing something you don't want to do, offer them Bean Dip. (the latest sporting event...the weather...) Idiot: Your wedding colors are ugly. You: Have you tried this bean dip? Idiot: You should have used puce instead. You: It's delicious. Have some. Idiot: I called your Maid of Honor, and she agrees. You: Really, it's to die for. Idiot: We can exchange your bridesmaid dresses tomorrow. You: Want some chips to go with your bean dip? Keep offering the bean dip regardless of what they say. They can't hold a discussion if you won't participate.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

AWESOME. Truly, love it so much! hahaha

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:27a41460-9b12-4eff-96e8-bb42a6dc5375">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I love this bean dip thing, but don't you always have to have bean dip on you to make it work? I'm sorry that your sister is acting like this, but just dial it back, tell her that you and FI are doing fine planning the wedding, and if you need someone to bounce wedding ideas off of, go to your other bridesmaids or come here! I just think it is ridiculous that she decided that your wedding would be better in Hawaii, and when you said it wasn't an option she got angry. That is a little insane.
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

She wishes she had hers in Hawaii, they honeymooned there and now it's her solution to most things. HA. Our big hang up is the fact that not all the important people would be there, FI dad and brothers for example. This is when she started calling herself, "the most important person" which I'm not taking too seriously, even if she is, I am just laughing about all this at this point. Thank to you ladies!

Keyeluh · March 2013

I've been mulling all this over and all the comments and rethinking her actions.

I think that she is having a hard time with the attention being on me, since she got married she's had quite a lot of attention, new house, new dog, new funny husband who everyone loves. She's always throwing parties to show off her new furniture or renovations on the house. Her daughter is now 5 so everyone goes to her dance recitals and soccer games and swimming lessons...All of these things are beautiful and important and she gets a lot of time with the family where she is able to be the "center". But now when we get together family is showing interest in OUR lives, asking us when, what, where, how. Asking about our jobs, what our plans are, so on and so forth. My mom is spending a whole lot more time and energy on me and it is taking her spotlight.

She's always been the type to change the topic if it's not about her or interesting to her, so this suddenly makes the most sense to me. This is just how she is, and I can understand that maybe she's feeling "lonely or alienated" because she'd not a star in my show???
Do you guys think if I gave her a special duty or job or something she could rave that she was able to do for me...could that help? Or do you think I should just try to kill any conversations about our wedding around her??

I feel like this gave me a new perspective, and maybe there's a remedy. Thanks for all the advice so far! So appreciated.

Keyeluh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-can-i-ask-her-to-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7603a54f-544a-488e-8e54-b9e52b602c03Post:1b6fe13f-54cf-44c1-a393-3e5db6763daa">Re: MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you just solved your problem. Make your plans, and "ask" her opinion on things. Then brag to others (in her presence) about how "helpful" she is, and how much she means to you. "Kathy helped me select my bridal bouquet this week. She's been such a help to me with wedding planning! I don't know what I'd do without her! Of course I couldn't have chosen anyone but my sister for my Maid of Honor, could I?" That will stroke her ego and keep her off your back.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Perfection. Lol I shall try this!!!

greeydyskunk · March 2013

What exactly is it that you want out of an MOH? Someone to simply stand up there with you and who has her name and that title in the program? Someone to be a sounding board when you tear your hair out about wedding frustrations? Someone who will actively provide ideas, but won't be bent out of shape when you decide not to act on them?

If it's the the first, then you can probably survive with your sister as MOH. Like other posters have said, simply don't talk about the wedding plans with her. However, if it's one of the others, then you need to have a serious talk with her about her role.

Weddings are a happy occasion, but even happy occasions can be stressful. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to, yes, support you and remind you to breathe when things get overwhelming. It seems like you have a lot of familial pressure and ideally a sister/MOH would be the perfect person to provide a buffer. Maybe if she sees you as a team she'll be more willing to help you out. In any event, she needs to cut out the negativity.

I'm surprised at all the posts telling you that you HAVE to keep her in your wedding. It's hard, but I think that if you truly do not want her in your wedding, then she shouldn't be. Asking her to step down may damage your relationship. Dealing with her constant negativity for a year may damage your relationship. Do some thinking, have a conversation, stick up for yourself, get your fiance on your side. Ultimately, this is your family, your day and no one else can make these decisions for you.

Good luck!

greeydyskunk · March 2013

Nope, not a troll.

I'm just someone who has a different viewpoint on this subject.

Wife Kitty · March 2013

Removing someone from a bridal party can be very loaded territory. I wouldn't do it myself under any circumstances, but then again, I have never had a situation with any of my bridesmaids or Maid of Honor (who is also my sister) that would cause me to even consider it.

One of my bridesmaids, back when she was the one getting married, kicked someone out of her wedding party. It actually wasn't because she didn't think this girl was doing enough for her. Quite the opposite, in fact - she was offering to do all sorts of things, some of which went way above and beyond what any bride would ask for.

No, this poor girl's only crime was that she was "guilty by association." She happened to be good friends with another girl, who was dating the bride's godbrother at the time, and who was spreading malicious gossip about the bride and groom (especially the groom) while appearing to be kind and supportive to them.

My friend was greatly distressed about it, and I guess she felt like she didn't know who she could trust. I can only assume that she was worried that the drama would leak its way even further into the wedding if this gal were to remain a bridesmaid. As the story goes, she talked to her one day, somehow explained her reasoning, and asked her if she wouldn't mind no longer being part of the wedding party.

From what I've been told, the kicked-out bridesmaid was very gracious and took it well, saying that "of course" she understood completely. Since I was another bridesmaid in that wedding, I have no idea if she ended up still attending as a guest. All I know was that because this girl had gotten booted, I ended up walking up the aisle with two groomsmen (which was fun for me) but I also ended up seeing that this was indeed a relationship ender for the bride. No one has heard from this poor girl since then, and who can blame her?

My friend, the bride, looks back on how she handled that with regret. She was 23 when she got married, and as she's older and wiser now, she tells me that she knows she handled things immaturely and she could have done much better. She often thinks of the girl she kicked out, wonders how she's doing now, and remarks about what a nice girl she was. I think if she had to do it over again, she wouldn't.

kristen20052007 · March 2013

No, My friend wrote me an email saying she thinks it would be best if so and so was in her wedding as a bridesmaid (basically life got in the way and we hadn't spent much time together for a few months). I can tell you that email was the CUT OFF for our friendship. I haven't spoke to her since and don't ever plan on it. Sorry we are in our 20's and can't be stuck up each other's butt.

MOH, Can I ask her to step down?!

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