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FMIL seems to be taking over... HELP

J9andKevJ9andKev
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in Moms and Maids
Sorry in advance, this is a long vent.
I'm getting married Oct. 22 so I have 4 months until my wedding. And I got engaged only 2 months ago so planning this wedding and working full time is difficult. Anyway, my FMIL is really excited about the wedding and in the beginning she was all for what I wanted. The other night on the phone, I was talking to her about how the cater hadn't called me back and the girl I was buying my dress from hadn't contacted me either. Obviously, I was stressed; and me being stressed was stressing out my FH and he called her, worried that I was starting to freak out. So she suggested she hire a wedding coordinator so I don't have to stress so much about planning everything. I agreed, since I really don't have the time to do everything by myself. That got her controlling ball rolling. She then suggested a different place for the reception even though she knows I have my heart set on the place I reserved already. And she is trying to make my wedding bigger than I want. I want it to be max 100 and right now, she wants it to be at least 125. She also wants me to change the time I get married from 2pm to 3pm (if I did, we would have to rush through the ceremony since the church has confession that starts at 4pm). And to add on top of it, I emailed her the invitation I created that both me and my FH love. And what does she say? "It needs work." 

We're going bridesmaid shopping on Saturday and I'm so nervous that she is going to control the entire visit! I asked my mom to come with, but she doesn't have the time since she works 7 days/wk and can't make it. So I think I'm going to tell her I don't want her to come with, that it just be me, my MOH and one of my BM so we can have a bonding day. I mean, I know she is paying for the majority of the wedding, but it's MY wedding!! Am I over-reacting? How can I tell her to back-off without starting a brawl between the two of us? I appreciate her input, but lately, it's seems more like she's making the decisions and I'm giving input. 
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Re: FMIL seems to be taking over... HELP

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    theluckiest555theluckiest555
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First of all, ouch. You designed your invitation, and she only said "it needs work?" That hurts. Maybe just ask her what she doesn't like about it so you can change it.

    Second, if she is going to pay for all those extra guests, I'm afraid that you may have to accept it. My mom paid for almost all of our wedding and my FI and I have had to surrender a lot of things in order to please her. Just remember, you have to pick your battles wisely. There were very few battles that I felt were worth fighting withmy mom, so we just ended up giving in to most things she wanted because she is the one holding the purse strings, and I did not want to seem ungreatfu. Did that mean I had to compromise on a lot of things? Yes. Am I unhappy with the way things turned out? No, because I knew she had my best interest at heart and I trusted her to make decisions that I wouldv'e made. Does that make sense?

    Why are you so attached to the reception venue you have picked, and why does she want to change it? Is it to accomodate the extra guests she wants to invite? I mean, 25 guests is not a whole lot more. Maybe you could compromise. If the venue you picked has a special meaning to you, maybe you could explain to her why you like it. I'm afraid she will have the final say if she is going to pay for it, but I'm willing to bet she will listen to your wishes.

    I'm sure that above everything ese, she is just aware that you have a very short engagement and is just trying to help you get stuff done so this time can be as free of stress as possible.

    One general theme you may find on the know is that the person paying gets the final say. That is true, but don't let your wedding lose any trace of you and your FI's personalities. Be polite, be gracious, be greatful, but also explain to your FMIL in a calm manner what you envisioned for your day and try to come to a compromise.

    I'm sorry this response is so long, it's just that I can understand your situation because I am there as well. If anything, I hope that it helps to at least know that you are not alone.Smile

    Oh, and CONGRATS on your engagement!
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ugh, sorry but money talks.  If she is paying for most of the wedding then she has say over what she is paying for.  She definitely should take your feelings into account since it is your wedding but if you wanted total control then you and your FI should have paid for it yourself.

    I think that you need to have a sit down with her and talk about the entire wedding.  Let her know why you love the reception site and why you love your invitations.  In the end she may not be aware of your strong feelings on some aspects of your wedding.  She may just be trying to be helpful and not even realize that she is hurting you.

    Try and compromise with her about the number of guests invited.  25 more is not that much and hey they may not even come.  As far as the BM dress appointment goes, yes she may try and control the situation, but unless she is paying for the BM dresses your girls have the final say because it is their money.

    Just take a deep breath...everything will be fine.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Let's give your FMIL the benefit of the doubt, here. You told her you were feeling overwhelmed by wedding planning. She probably thinks you need her help.She may have decided that rather than pay a wedding planner, she would be able to manage things for you.

    On top of that, she is paying for the majority of the wedding. That means she has a say in how her money is being spent. You will have to learn how to work with her. Let her know which things are very important to you, such as the venue and time of day. Since she is paying for the wedding, it's not unreasonable for her to want to invite her friends and family members. You should compromise on the guest list.

    There was no need to invite her to go bm dress shopping, since she is not paying for or wearing the bm dresses. But you've already invited her and it would be rude to uninvite her.

    Honestly, the only way to get complete control over your wedding planning is to pay for everything, yourself.

    Good luck/
                       
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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-seems-taking-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e7d80037-b4f3-4c60-a63c-2e06cd2e8c37Post:a0aa4c88-8519-4b26-a16c-6d43e2ed3b37">FMIL seems to be taking over... HELP</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry in advance, this is a long vent. I'm getting married Oct. 22 so I have 4 months until my wedding. And I got engaged only 2 months ago so planning this wedding and working full time is difficult. Anyway, my FMIL is really excited about the wedding and in the beginning she was all for what I wanted. The other night on the phone, I was talking to her about how the cater hadn't called me back and the girl I was buying my dress from hadn't contacted me either. Obviously, I was stressed; and me being stressed was stressing out my FH and he called her, worried that I was starting to freak out. So she suggested she hire a wedding coordinator so I don't have to stress so much about planning everything. I agreed, since I really don't have the time to do everything by myself. That got her controlling ball rolling. She then suggested a different place for the reception even though she knows I have my heart set on the place I reserved already. And she is trying to make my wedding bigger than I want. I want it to be max 100 and right now, she wants it to be at least 125. She also wants me to change the time I get married from 2pm to 3pm (if I did, we would have to rush through the ceremony since the church has confession that starts at 4pm). And to add on top of it, I emailed her the invitation I created that both me and my FH love. And what does she say? "It needs work."  <strong>We're going bridesmaid shopping </strong>on Saturday and I'm so nervous that she is going to control the entire visit! I asked my mom to come with, but she doesn't have the time since she works 7 days/wk and can't make it. So I think I'm going to tell her I don't want her to come with, that it just be me, my MOH and one of my BM so we can have a bonding day. I mean, I know she is paying for the majority of the wedding, but it's MY wedding!! Am I over-reacting? How can I tell her to back-off without starting a brawl between the two of us? I appreciate her input, but lately, it's seems more like she's making the decisions and I'm giving input. 
    Posted by J9andKev[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're buying a bridesmaid? Haha just teasing. I know you meant dress shopping. =P</div><div>
    </div><div>I agree with PPs. If she is paying, she gets a say. Either find a way to pay for the things she's handling yourselves or try to compromise with her. </div><div>
    </div><div>And yeah, her reaction to your invites was harsh. Is she usually very blunt about things? If so then that is probably just her honest opinion. I'd ask her what about it specifically she thinks is lacking. Listen to her suggestions, but run it by your FI, friends, and family too. It may just be her. Can we see pics? =D</div>
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    J9andKevJ9andKev
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the words of wisdom girls! We met with the wedding coordinator last night and OMG I feel so much better about everything. The coordinator knows exactly how I picture my wedding, and sees what my FMIL is picturing as well. Compromising is a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. We came to an agreement on the invites (they're being changed a bit, but my general idea is staying) and we're all going to the venue tomorrow to ask questions to the director. I didn't even think of half the questions to ask the last time I was there. But here's the best part.. my FMIL said that she wants to make sure I have the best day possible in my eyes and her criticism is her way of saying she thinks it could be better (like if I forgot a detail or something). And I talked to her about bridesmaid dress shoppping. She promised to stay in the background for the day and help me out with negotiating prices (since I am truly horrible at it, lol). Everything seems to be working out :) Oh and here is the original invitation, the one I'll be sending out will have the left picture as a muted background with the words overlapping. 
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