Bridesmaid issue

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

So here is another one of those posts where Im regretting the choice of a bridesmaid. I met this girl at work. She would come to me with all her problems and I would listen and give her the best advice I could. I felt like she really trusted me and cared about me. I dont know if that was the case.

So I asked her to be my bridesmaid and she was like "yeah sure", no excitement. It was a bummer. I went home and cried a bit on my fi's shoulder. After that I was like "whatever, she will come around.". She didnt....

The first time I went to try on dresses I decided to make an appt for the BM and MOH as well. Guess who wasnt able to attend? Apparently, a st patricks day parade (that got rained out) was far more important. This really bothered me.

So the next time we go she is able to come. We found the PERFECT DRESS and MOH is ok with the price. BIG SUPRISE BM isnt. I had already told them I would help pay for the dress, not to mention there is a 90 day layaway program. I was so upset about that. We then go to the mall to search for some cheap dresses. Found em, HATE EM! The are way too short and do not match my dress in any way, shape, or form. They bought the dresses and that was that.

I recently asked another good friend of mine to be a bridesmaid, so Im trying to plan a get together so we can all go over wedding stuff and so they can meet the new BM. She hasnt gotten back to me YET and its supposed to be friday. I dont understand whats going on with her but I have about had it.

There is a bit more to the situation, most having to do with her constantly reminding me how lucky I am to have someone, how sad she is since shes single, blah blah blah. She recently broke up with a guy that she was desperately in love with. Im mostly afraid shes gonna ditch me on my day.

Any advice would be great..... Am I wrong here? What do I do about her?

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

Bridesmaid is a one day honor. You are turning it into a part time job. Why do you think you need to have all these meetings and outings? That's justing turning something fun into something that's a pain.

Like PP said, you handled the dress situation wrong, and you owe some apologies. As long as everyone has gotten a dress, it's water under the bridge.

You need to understand that not everyone's life should revolve around your wedding, especially not this girl. Expecting her to cancel plans to attend a parade to go dress shopping is pretty self-centered.

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

Ditto Stage and MNIN. For the record, St. Patrick's Day and its parades trump damn near everything else in my world. A funeral, wedding or loved one on a death bed would be the only exceptions.

mbcdefg · May 2012

The fact that you CRIED over her response of "Yeah sure" tells me pretty much everything I need to know here. You need to chill out.

pkontk · May 2012

You're holding against this person the fact that they can't afford a DRESS? You need to re-evaluate your priorities, sister.

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:1d8ccbc1-e26b-45ff-8ce5-eefcf9fd2e0a">Re: Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Bridesmaid is a one day honor. You are turning it into a part time job. Why do you think you need to have all these meetings and outings? That's justing turning something fun into something that's a pain. Like PP said, you handled the dress situation wrong, and you owe some apologies. As long as everyone has gotten a dress, it's water under the bridge. You need to understand that not everyone's life should revolve around your wedding, especially not this girl. Expecting her to cancel plans to attend a parade to go dress shopping is pretty self-centered.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I had only scheduled 2 outings since the plan of my weddnig. i have been doing everything else by myself. I just had them try on dresses and they were fun so to assume it wasnt, your wrong. The new bridesmaid wasnt there, they havent met her yet. No ones life is revolving around it. I rarely talk to either of them about my wedding. I like how you people assume everything lol Yes I expected her to cancel and come with me becuase the parade is there EVERY year... My wedding is a once in a life time. </div><div>
</div><div>IMO this will be one of the most important days of my life. I want it to be treated as such.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div> OH and by the way, this plan im coming up with is NOT A MEETING, we are having a cook out with my brides maids as well as talking about some stuff that they kinda need to know and also would really like them to meet because THATS important to me too.

</div>

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:5871fb25-22cd-440e-8de5-7f1c9a7f8d3b">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : Wow, I didn't even catch that the first time around. Yeah, one of my BMs took 3 days to respond to my voicemail letting her know I was engaged. Guess I should have thrown myself off a bridge, huh?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>yep i did. ive become an emotional wreck after my daughters died. its hard for me to handle things now days. maybe i should throw myself off a bridge...</div>

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:b261d396-add3-4a87-acfe-819bd33b5ebb">Re: Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]You're holding against this person the fact that they can't afford a DRESS? You need to re-evaluate your priorities, sister.
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

<div>the thing is, i told them id help them pay for it. its my day and ultimately MY choice with the dress they wear so yeah.
</div>

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:b0890b2f-b8c9-4a4e-bc88-c6ccba05814b">Re: Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issue : the thing is, i told them id help them pay for it. its my day and ultimately MY choice with the dress they wear so yeah.
Posted by march26baby[/QUOTE]

Even if you are helping pay for it, they are still shelling out some money and they are the ones who have to wear it. (I paid for my MOH's dress but I still let her pick out whatever dress she wanted to wear as long as she could get it in red. I din't love the dress but she did so who cared?) Your BMs are supposed to be those nearest and dearest to you, not props wearing a costume of your choosing.

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:2c02ebfd-cb4d-412f-ad40-0229e0e35941">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : Using your daughter's death as ammunition to try and guilt strangers on a bridal site is beyond low, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>oh im sorry, i guess i shouldnt be honest and let people know what the deal is. i mean damn, im only asking for adive.</div><div>
</div><div>your a sick person to assume i use my daughters as "ammunition". im sorry the truth isnt what you expected to be.</div>

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:74562633-7003-49d4-9d01-0187845537a5">Re: Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issue : Even if you are helping pay for it, they are still shelling out some money and they are the ones who have to wear it. (I paid for my MOH's dress but I still let her pick out whatever dress she wanted to wear as long as she could get it in red. I din't love the dress but she did so who cared?) Your BMs are supposed to be those nearest and dearest to you, not props wearing a costume of your choosing.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>your right and i did let them get the dresses they wanted. i dont like them at all but they were very affordable for them. in some cases i can see how my reactions are wrong. im just glad ive never confronted them about any of my feelings. its obvious it would have been taken the wrong way.</div>

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:9fb6859f-9279-44d6-a3a8-b09f6f24bdf3">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : yep i did. ive become an emotional wreck after my daughters died. its hard for me to handle things now days. maybe i should throw myself off a bridge...
Posted by march26baby[/QUOTE]

<div>Rather than throw yourself off a bridge, you should seek professional help.</div><div>
</div><div>If you are behaving erratically and taking your emotions out on others, you still have a lot of work left in the grieving process. I suffered my own loss a few years ago, and I know how devastating and life changing it is to lose someone far too soon. However, her death is not an excuse, and you aren't entitled to treat friends badly over it. They'll cut you some slack, but eventually they'll get fed up and go. </div><div>
</div><div>If her death is causing the behavior described (and displayed) in this post, you need to postpone the wedding and put everything major on hold until you've given yourself the proper time and tools to deal with the tragedy. </div><div>
</div><div>Going overboard on wedding planning is not going to make up for the loss and it isn't going to make the pain go away.</div>

mcskatcat · May 2012

In all seriousness OP, if your daughter's death is making you act poorly towards your friends, then you should seek professional help. Sometimes therapy can really work those things out.

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:95167656-6347-41da-9e89-3985ab5b934a">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : Yes, based on how and when you revealed the information, that is exactly what you were doing. If it was relevent to begin with it should have been included in the OP. However, you did not. You led us to believe you cried because you were genuinely so upset over the girl's reaction. Then, when someone pointed out that was an utterly silly reaction to have, you dropped this news into conversation as if we were supposed to KNOW the information already. You didn't explain it (well, to be honest, I know that was over the top, but my daughter passed away very recently and since then I don't always have the best grip on my emotions). That would have actually explained a lot about A LOT of this situation and done so in a way that might make us reconsider our positions on some of these issues. However, instead , you lobbed it like a hand grenade to get the most dramatic effect. That's what's not cool.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>i tried to sum it all up and make it easy to get advice, didnt want to type my life story. But thanks and sorry for your loss.

</div>

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:7e18e3cc-9894-4a5c-8e2b-0247ed1596b6">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : Rather than throw yourself off a bridge, you should seek professional help. If you are behaving erratically and taking your emotions out on others, you still have a lot of work left in the grieving process. I suffered my own loss a few years ago, and I know how devastating and life changing it is to lose someone far too soon. However, her death is not an excuse, and you aren't entitled to treat friends badly over it. They'll cut you some slack, but eventually they'll get fed up and go. If her death is causing the behavior described (and displayed) in this post, you need to postpone the wedding and put everything major on hold until you've given yourself the proper time and tools to deal with the tragedy. Going overboard on wedding planning is not going to make up for the loss and it isn't going to make the pain go away.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

<div>The thing is, I havent said or done anything to the bridesmaid. I dont fill them in on what im thinking or feeling. They dont know anything about these stresses Im feeling nor do they need to. I dont think I posted anything on this post that indicates I said or did anything wrong.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as the dress goes, she didn't flat out say "I cant afford that". She told me she wanted to look for something cheaper. We all discussed the prices we would stick around, 150 being the most. The dress was around 147 since i get a discount at that store. </div><div>
</div><div>And going overboard on my wedding? I barely have anything complete haha and we are only 3 months away. Im taking it one step at a time.</div>

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:f0814de1-3a74-4f50-b95e-e1f7c887f69c">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : The thing is, I havent said or done anything to the bridesmaid. I dont fill them in on what im thinking or feeling. They dont know anything about these stresses Im feeling nor do they need to. I dont think I posted anything on this post that indicates I said or did anything wrong. As far as the dress goes, she didn't flat out say "I cant afford that". She told me she wanted to look for something cheaper. We all discussed the prices we would stick around, 150 being the most. The dress was around 147 since i get a discount at that store. And going overboard on my wedding? I barely have anything complete haha and we are only 3 months away. Im taking it one step at a time.
Posted by march26baby[/QUOTE]

<div>You've talked about having BM gatherings and planning meetings! That's crazy overboard.</div><div>
</div><div>You are getting mad at this girl and she hasn't done anything wrong. That's doing something wrong, and it's taking out your anger on her.</div>

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:ee2ff500-41db-461a-a1f2-4d962d914c4b">Re:Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid issue : You've talked about having BM gatherings and planning meetings! That's crazy overboard. You are getting mad at this girl and she hasn't done anything wrong. That's doing something wrong, and it's taking out your anger on her.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

<div>the "meeting" was not a meeting like a business meeting. I guess I should have been precise. I planned a cook out and a bon fire. We got to gether to look at dresses, i dont see how thats over board. We have to plan them because we do a thing called WORK and we WORK different hours and days so it takes PLANNING lol</div>

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

omg will someone just delete this post?? I wanted some god darn advice, if i wanted to be CRAPPED on id go elsewhere! All I wanted was advice and YOU PEOPLE SUCK AT IT! All of you are nothing but BULLIES!

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

If you're referring to it as a meeting, that's probably the mindset you're bringing to the table and that's coming across to everyone else, even if it's supposed to be a fun get-together.

Seriously, OP: seek professional counseling. Clearly you've suffered a devastating loss and are having trouble coping with it. Lashing out at everyone you come across for minor slights (like being criticised for your actions or not being beside themselves with glee over something in your life) is not normal and not healthy, and you're going to create long-term relationship issues if you can't get it under control.

shurs004 · May 2012

Going back to the OP:

What I'm hearing is that you are concerned about your BM's behavior and it is making you nervous. Try just sitting down with her one on one and asking her if she is sure she feels comfortable being your BM. Remain calm no matter what her response. It would be better for her to admitt if she's not fully committed to your special day than to pretend and bring you down in a time where you should be excited. Just touch base with her and be honest. If she insists that she's completely fine with the responsibility, make sure she feels comfortable communicating to you how she is feeling. Now, I'm not saying to cater to a sour-puss. If she continues to act offstandish and won't tell you why, you may need to nix her. Don't let someone else ruin this moment in your life. Remember: it's not about everyone else, it's about you and your FI. :-)

shurs004 · May 2012

Why would you want someone in your wedding that doesn't care?? Just saying....

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:d201b17d-935b-4e0c-a05b-44a13c4eca49">Re: Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Why would you want someone in your wedding that doesn't care?? Just saying....
Posted by shurs004[/QUOTE]
Because everything is not about you, and people have lives of their own. Why would you want to be friends with someone who demands that you focus your perfect attention on them all the time and thinks that their major life events need to be your major life events?

shurs004 · May 2012

Well I'm not saying bridesmaids should jump through hoops for you. Personally, I would be worried (because of the behavior that the OP described) that the BM felt obligated to say yes and isn't very interested at all. She should feel comfortable saying "no, I don't really want to" if that is indeed the case.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:65b460ed-7570-47dd-ab34-b6a0e23b7052Post:271caab8-a611-4715-9130-4071b3e7440d">Re: Bridesmaid issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I'm not saying bridesmaids should jump through hoops for you. Personally, I would be worried (because of the behavior that the OP described) that the BM felt obligated to say yes and isn't very interested at all. She should feel comfortable saying "no, I don't really want to" if that is indeed the case.
Posted by shurs004[/QUOTE]
She's under no obligation to be interested. Her only obligation is to show up. Some people find weddings torturous and only put up with it at all for love of a friend.

Bridesmaid issue

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