Not Engaged Yet

Did you "plan" the timing of your engagement?

So, my BF and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have talked about getting married and we even recently looked at rings to get an idea of which styles we like and what we he can afford. I'm okay with all of this.


Recently, though, he has started trying to map out the timing of a proposal. "How about getting engaged in January?" he asks. This spins into conversations about when we might get married, venue, etc. It has completely ruined the romance of the proposal which hasn't even happened for me.


I was okay with talking about getting married I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him! and I am glad we looked at rings so he knows what I like. But this technical conversation where he is calculating the proposal is making me crazy. If you want to marry me, ask me! I don't want to "plan" to be engaged.


I told him tonight that I feel that talking about wedding details and logistics of combining our lives once married feels premature to me. We are putting the cart before the horse. I also told him that discussing when to become engaged is sucking all the magic out of it for me. He understood and agreed that we don't have to talk about it anymore.


Did anyone else experience this? Was the proposal so calculated and overanalyzed that there was no element of surprise or romance by the time you had a ring on your finger? Maybe he is afraid of rejection and is trying to assuage his fears before he asks me. I get that, but I don't want to be engaged to be engaged anymore!

Re: Did you "plan" the timing of your engagement?

  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think it's really good that you sat down and explained to him how you were feeling about the whole thing. I'm sure he's not afraid of your response since you guys have obviously talked about marriage already (and looked at rings together). 

    I looked at rings with my FI and aside from that, I knew nothing about when/how he'd propose. I liked it that way. 



    PS. This is a little off-topic but there's no such thing as "engaged to be engaged". 



  • In Response to Re:Did you "plan" the timing of your engagement?:[QUOTE]PS. This is a little offtopic but there's no such thing as "engaged to be engaged".nbsp; Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    My point exactly! But if there were such a thing, I am sure this is what it would feel like.
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-you-plan-the-timing-of-your-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6328e2b2-c2cb-4c3a-b545-bd7b9ae22a68Post:26c98f8b-4d50-4931-9108-90bf1f724b3b">Re:Did you "plan" the timing of your engagement?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Did you "plan" the timing of your engagement?: My point exactly! But if there were such a thing, I am sure this is what it would feel like.
    Posted by zingy1[/QUOTE]

    <div>Hahaha stick around and this board will help entertain you while you're <strong>patiently</strong> awaiting your proposal :)</div>



  • Being engaged to be engaged is pretty nonsensical to me. IMO, it's great to talk about marriage and expectations and all that before you get engaged, but it sounds like he's decided that the whole "asking with the ring" thing is just a minor detail or something. Obviously you two aren't on the same page with that.
    It's really good that you talked to him about it.
    If he brings it up again, I would totally remind him that you would prefer to be surprised.
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  • Just keep communicating. You're on the right path. I did know basically when it would happen because we purchased my ring together. I had also told him I wanted a year to plan and we already knew we wanted a September wedding, so that meant it was pretty likely to happen in September. However, we didn't plan out our engagement--there were just a lot of factors that made it pretty obvious.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    He just told me that it would be before Thanksgiving, so when it didn't happen the Saturday before Thanksgiving, I figured it would happen on Sunday and it did. I was still surprised by the way he proposed and still sobbed when he gave me the ring, so the romance was still there. I would just be kinda thankful for the timeline because having it really calmed me down, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.

  • edited December 2012
    I told BF I don't want to be a part of the planning, I let him do what he was comfortable with.  So I will have no idea of when it will happen, or how, or even what the ring will look like.  While I am excited to be completely surprised when it happens, sometimes I wish I had some time frame of when it will happen by....
    I wouldn't want to know too much information though.

    Please stick around tell us more about yourself!

    Anniversary

  • FI really wanted to surprise me with everything.  He didn't even want to look at rings together, but since I'll be wearing it forever, I wanted to have some input. 

    I was totally surprised when he proposed, and I preferred it that way.  Definitely talk to him though if you want to keep the element of surprise but he's telling you too much.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I told BF that when we get to that point, I want us to look at rings together, and then it's up to him.  We're about two years out from looking at rings, so I'm not even thinking about it yet. :)

    It really depends on what you want and what he wants.  As long as you talk through it, you'll be as surprised as you want to be.
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  • Thanks for all the feedback!  I guess it really does vary for everybody.

    I like that we looked at the rings, but I don't want to be there (or know) when he buys it!  I see how everyone is different.  Very helpful stuff.

    For once in my life I'm truly enjoying "living in the moment" before such a big change, so it's all good!
  • Haha!  Yep, my boyfriend is very analytical and particular about these things, too.  We've had our talks, and he said he's been wanting to propose since the summer, but it just hasn't worked out.

    Now apparently he has a ring, and he's getting impatient trying to find the right time and such.  So one day he asked me, as I was getting ready to leave his house and head home "Should I propose right now?"
    :-O

    I told him no, don't ask me when to do it, and just do it! Oh dear!  That made for some awkward conversations.  He said he was just tired of waiting, and didn't want to put it off anymore. :)  I agree with you though - I don't want to know what's going on.  I told him I want it to be a surprise, and I don't want to plan it.

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  • my boyfriend told me. it is a strange feeling knowing that on Valentines Day he will be proposing to me. but until then im just a girlfriend. my friends think im nuts loking at wedding magizines in stores but they dont know what I know. its super hard having this big secret an cant tell anyone.


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