I just asked a bm to step down. I feel absolutely terrible about it but really feel like it is what needed to happen. I asked this friend to be in the wedding when we worked together and saw each other every day. Soon after that, she left the job and I almost never saw her anymore. We have gone weeks and weeks at a time without talking. I call and text and leave messages and would hear nothing. This was all just before her wedding, which I was a BM in.
I moved out of state during her engagement and traveled cross states to plan her shower and attend events, including the wedding of course. Anytime I talked about my wedding, she was completely disinterested. I bought my gown and she didn't ask anything about it and has never seen a picture. Yet she expected me to be very interested in her wedding, and I was. Outside of the wedding things, she would blow me off all the time when we still lived in the same area. we would plan something for Friday and she would ask for it to be moved to Saturday morning. I wouldn't hear from her til Sat night then she would say Sunday. Sunday would come and she would cancel.It isn't that she didn't want to see me, she's just really really flighty.
Well after her wedding I figured now she would be able to think about mine a little. All my other BMs bought their dresses in June and in August I told her she needed to get it within a week because it takes 10-12 weeks to deliver. She didn't. She gave my mother her availability for a shower but then when one was planned (based on her availability), she said she can't come. I had a BM get together and she couldn't come to that either (to be fair, remember we live a state apart).
Well I confronted her in August and said I wasn't happy with how things are going. I said she needed to get her dress right away. My MIL is throwing me a shower and I asked her to attend this since she cannot make my mother's shower. She said she would. In two weeks she said she couldn't because she didn't want to drive that far. I suggested she car pool with another BM in her area and she said "we'll see".
I also feel like she just isn't happy for me to be getting married. Her marriage is not going well and I feel like she is jaded by it. She asked me how the FI and I are and when I say things are great, she brings up old issues between us.
Well I just never heard from her since and to my knowledge she hadn't bought a dress. I decided to add another BM (regardless of what was going on w this one). My FI, mom, and BMs all suggested I ask the friend to step down bc of everything going on. I did decide to do so since since she can't attend anything, hasn't helped with anything despite getting emails from all the other BMs, and she is so undependable.....Well I talked to her and she had apparently just bought the dress a couple of days ago. She said she has always intended to go to the shower from my MIL. I stayed firm and said I feel like I can't depend on her because she has proven this SO many times before.
She doesn't see what she did wrong and thinks the new BM is a replacement. She doesn't see any issue with anything she has done and made promises to do all sorts of things (just like she has before and broken). I just honestly don't even feel confident she would show up at the wedding.
I know to debridesmaid someone is one of the worst things a bride can do but was I completely wrong? I feel like the friendship has been strained for a while and Ihonestly, this has been my biggest wedding stressor.
So mostly my question is....where do I go from here? The friend is of course very upset. She thinks the new BM is a replacement. How do I try to maintain the friendship? Please, please be considerate with me and understand this was an extremely extremely difficult decision I made that I did not take lightly.