Breaking the News to the Folks

luckygrl1224 · July 2010

Recently my BF has been hinting nonstop about proposing to me when I go back to college in the Fall and it has got me thinking about how I am going to tell my parents. I am 18 right now (though my birthday is in October so I may be 19) and we have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years. A couple of months ago my best friend got engaged to her long time boyfriend and her mom was so upset about the whole thing. That got my family talking about how they wished that I would wait another 2 years til we got engaged and that they may not be happy for us. And this is my mom, my grandmom who lives with us, my dad (though it seems like he was just agreeing with my mom) and my 2 great great aunts who I have tried all my life to make as happy as possible. I know its coming but I have no idea how I can break the news to them. His parents will be crazy happy for us and so will his whole family but I'm worried about how my family will react. They're not "you're happy so we're happy for you" people. Any suggestions on how I can break the news to them when it happens?

Lisa8888 · July 2010

It doesn't matter how you break the new to them. They aren't going to be happy.

heyimbren · July 2010

i'm going to avoid the age argument because i have a feeling you won't listen.

honestly, if that is your choice and that's how they react then there is no good way to tell them. what is important is to remain as graceful and mature as possible during the conversation. if you do get engaged now, you will need to possibly face the consequences of disapproval from your family. but you sit down with them anyways and you need to be honest with them. and listen to them, and take as much advice from them as you can because they are your family and they do care about you.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

I think that you should discuss with your parents why they are so adamant that you don't become engaged now. *Listen* to them. Their concerns are coming from a good place, not a place of "you are too young to know any better!" although it may come out that way.

If you are serious about marriage, commitment, family, and being an adult, then you can handle this conversation and the many points they will inevitably bring up. You should be in a place where you can say "I hear you and this is what my boyfriend and I are thinking about that," etc.

For what it's worth, if you are 18 and going to college, then this is the time in your life that is solely about YOU. College is a maturing, enlightening, and empowering experience. It's about you becoming an adult in ways that you never even considered before you left home. Interestingly, that growth continues long after you've left college, as well. If you were my child, I'd ask you to please wait until you graduate college before committing your life to another person, as this is the time in your life you should be committing to yourself.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Just let it happen. If you are truly ready to be married and feel it is right in your heart, there is nothing your parents can do since you are 18. However, you may have to deal with the consequences/strain it will have on your family relationship. If it is something that means a lot to you (as I assume it does), sit down and talk with them about your feelings for him, etc.

With that being said, I can see why they may have some issues with you getting engaged that young. They probably want you to have finished school, start a new career, be financially independent before getting married. That is not so say you couldn't have a longer engagement to allow some of these things to happen. Just something to think about.

Sometimes just bc you have been together that long doesn't mean he is the right one for you. I am not trying to discourage you or anything, but I have know plenty of people who have had this kind of thing happen to them. They date for a long time, thing he or she is the one, and it doesn't end up that way at all. Again, I am not trying to be negative, but would really encourage you to take some time to really thing about things, etc before you make the next step.

Good luck to you!

candiceandbrant · July 2010

Would your BF ask your father first, or has he already?

From my experience, so much growth happens between the ages of 18 and 25. Looking back now, it would have been a disaster marrying my BF when I was 18. We were HS sweethearts and now don't even speak.
Would you get married right away or plan to be engaged until you are done school?

luckygrl1224 · August 2010

He is planning on asking my dad first. I told him I would not say yes unless he asked my dad. And we wouldn't get married until after I graduate college. I want to make sure I have an education before I make that commitment.

Jelenny · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_breaking-news-folks?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:7442e77e-d3fe-4af0-a1b0-e7ffa288e8d2Post:7e6fd2b1-3e45-419d-b1e7-af09724a165b">Re: Breaking the News to the Folks</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that you should discuss with your parents why they are so adamant that you don't become engaged now. *Listen* to them. Their concerns are coming from a good place, not a place of "you are too young to know any better!" although it may come out that way. If you are serious about marriage, commitment, family, and being an adult, then you can handle this conversation and the many points they will inevitably bring up. You should be in a place where you can say "I hear you and this is what my boyfriend and I are thinking about that," etc.<strong> For what it's worth, if you are 18 and going to college, then this is the time in your life that is solely about YOU. College is a maturing, enlightening, and empowering experience. It's about you becoming an adult in ways that you never even considered before you left home. Interestingly, that growth continues long after you've left college, as well.</strong> If you were my child, I'd ask you to please wait until you graduate college before committing your life to another person, as this is the time in your life you should be committing to yourself.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

i could not agree more - i went away to school and boy all of my friends and i changed, many of us went out of our comfort zones and looking back there is no way in hell i'd still be with my high school sweetheart if we had stayed together (it's amazing how many freshman go in to college with a sig other and how long that really lasts)....at the time i couldn't think of NOT being with him...yeah lots of growth and change

skyler1108 · August 2010

You said that your BF would be asking your father first which means if your BF asks you to marry him then he got your father's blessing. If your BF does have your father's blessing then I think the whole telling them will not be as shocking as you may think because they will know it is coming. If your father does not give his blessing them you will have to decide if you want to wait until you have his blessing or not. Either way make sure you act as an adult and be prepared to calmly explain why this is right for you now and why you two do not feel like you should wait and don't get upset if they start to question you just hold your ground and be mature about it.

ks3pink · August 2010

I agree that even if you get engaged now you are making a good decision to wait until you are out of college to get married. That's what I have done and thankfully I have grown with my fiance, though I still have some more growing up to do but that's another story. If you grow apart from your bf/fiance, which could happen, don't be afraid to break it off, as many have already stated most high school sweethearts don't work out in the end. GL!

orangecrayon · August 2010

I understand your position, because I was put in the same one. I met my now fiance when i was 16 and we've been together ever since. We had discussed marriage for 3 years now and we'll be "formally" engaged on August 29/2010.

My parents were totally against my engagement in the beginning because I'm still 20, and how i'm still young. They put conditions on my engagement; it was either get married next year in 2011, or don't engaged until your able to get married. They even said if we decide to get married in 2011, they'll help foot the bill with me and my fi. But really it all depends on what YOU want. YOU are going to marry this guy, YOU will live with him, YOU will be the first thing he wants to see when he wakes up and before he goes to sleep, NOT THEM. A lot of people don't realize that.

Do what you feel best. And i encourage you to do it because your 18 and you said you don't want to get married until your done college, good choice. Thats about 2 to 3 years and in that time frame if things change, then they change for the best, but don't say no.

I know I wouldn't have taken into consideration what my parents think only because I KNOW whats best for me. THey might 'think' they know, but really your the one who's going to be with this person. Really think about it, and put yourself first, cause your happiness means a lot more than their opinion, but that's what i think.

If you want to break the news to them just say something like:
"I completely understand your point of view in regards to my engagement, and i've given it a lot of thought, but in the end I AM marrying this person and there's a long way out till that wedding. You shouldn't be concerned because we're adults and we know what we want. I hope that you will understand that this is my future we're discussing and as much as i want you to be a big part of it, it's really upsetting me that you aren't supportiv of what i want. "

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