The Ex and kids

chamorsky · August 2010

I'm new to this so please bear with me. His divorce will be final in October, (NO, he did not leave her for me!!!). Can't get here soon enough I tell ya. We're are not yet formally engaged, but will be. He wants his kids at the wedding but if we tell them we're getting married, they'll run home to mom and she'll ruin it for everyone. I haven't met the kids yet......highly nervous about that. Mom has told them horrible things about him and me. Any ideas?

[Deleted User] · August 2010

You're putting the cart before the horse. You need to meet them first, establish a relationship and then work towards telling them about the marriage. How old are the kids?

[Deleted User] · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4e771fd-46a4-4df0-98f5-5465424a85c5Post:4ff5a16d-7075-41b0-bb40-19ccb517cc7c">Re: The Ex and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]You're putting the cart before the horse. You need to meet them first, establish a relationship and then work towards telling them about the marriage. How old are the kids?
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

Ditto. The worst thing you could do is barely meet them and then go get married. I think taking the time now to establish a relationship with them will make it all the better for you and your husband to be. It may take some work now, but you will be better in the long run.

Plus, if he just went through a divorce, are you sure he wants to get married right away again?

jmkes · August 2010

I agree with both ladies - don't meet his kids and start talking wedding right away. If they are young that will completely shake up their world. Take your time, get to know them. You aren't just marrying him, you are marrying his kids as well. You will need to have a bond with them or it will strain your marriage.

In essence my advice is slow down.

redheadfsu · August 2010

Ditto, slow down.

Wait until you meet them and have a relationship with them. Plus, the visitation schedule (I'm assuming they are under 18) needs to become established before you start throwing the kids for a loop. Their world has been turned upside down so don't make it worse by talking about a wedding.

wwnbw · August 2010

i'm confused as to why they wouldn't be at the wedding. who cares is mom knows? i don't see how she could ruin it and i also don't know how you could even THINK of marring a man if you haven't even so much as met his kids?! i'm marring a man with 2 kids (10 and 3) so i can't really wrap my head around what you are thinking!

[Deleted User] · August 2010

Definitely slow down. Take time to get to know the kids before announcing you're getting married-especially if you're not even engaged. And like PP said, why on earth are you already thinking of a wedding when you haven't even met his kids?

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

Would you marry your FI if you'd never met him? Then why would you marry him without meeting his kids? A man with kids is a package deal, you have to be ready to accept them all for life.

You guys have a long way to go before you can responsibly even start to think about discussing the possibility of marriage. A long way.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4e771fd-46a4-4df0-98f5-5465424a85c5Post:a0071f97-5b89-4370-a94d-fa19c7b21786">The Ex and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm new to this so please bear with me. His divorce will be final in October, (NO, he did not leave her for me!!!). Can't get here soon enough I tell ya. We're are not yet formally engaged, but will be. He wants his kids at the wedding but if we tell them we're getting married, they'll run home to mom and she'll ruin it for everyone. I haven't met the kids yet......highly nervous about that. Mom has told them horrible things about him and me. Any ideas?
Posted by chamorsky[/QUOTE]

kd.joseph · August 2010

Wow, as a mother I could see why you'd be worried about her ruining everything.

I'd want to know who my kids will be hanging out with on the weekends. You are in for a big surprise if you dont open your eyes now and figure out that this isnt just about you and him, these kids are part of his life. Slow down and worry more about a relationship with these children and less about a wedding.

And you really need to think twice before planning a wedding with someone who isnt even divorced yet. Now is not the time for planning anything. How old are you anyway?

trix1223 · August 2010

You're dating a married man who has children. You're planning a wedding to a married man who has children. You're planning a wedding to a married man who has children whom you haven't yet met. You're planning a wedding to a married man who has children you haven't met yet, and the mom of those children doesn't know their dad is planning to remarry? Well, this has success written all over it.

spechtholdn · August 2010

I'm going to throw out a wild guess (just for fun) and say you two have been dating 3 months....

SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!

Looking past the fact that his divorce isn't even finalized yet, if you haven't met his kids you should in no way even be considering marriage at this point. You definately need to listen to PP and establish a relationship with his kids and make sure that it's a situation you want to be in.

I also totally agree with the point trix was making.... this has success written ALL over it.

LDYGTR13 · August 2010

....really? C'mon now. You've GOT to meet the kids before your plan your pretty princess day with their dad - how else will you know what sizes of puffy flower girl dresses and little suits to buy!?!?! J/k.

I can totally understand why you're worried their mom will ruin your wedding - if I was a mom I'd want to meet the future wife before I let the kids meet her, especially if she's planning a wedding TO MY HUSBAND who hasn't even proposed to her yet...

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

::sits by Trix::

KatyRoseM · August 2010

Are you planning on not telling them their dad is married again? Are you insane?

megk8oz · August 2010

Ok, so here's a little story for you (And yes, every word of it is true):

Once upon a time, in the land of 2002, my aunt brought her boyfriend and his 2 kids (Ages 17 and 20) to my grandmother's house for Easter, so they could all meet the family. My aunt had been dating the boyfriend for about a year, but had only met his kids earlier that week (Boyfriend had met my aunt's 2 children, ages 7 and 15, shortly after she began dating him). Right around the time desert gets served, aunt and boyfriend make the announcement that they had gotten married at a court house 2 weeks beforehand.

"Boyfriend's" kids get uber-pissed off and storm out without waiting for any explanation, and my 2 cousins start inconsolably crying that their mom got married without even telling them she was engaged first. Boyfriend's children refused to even speak to either of them until about 4 years later, and for the first 2 years of living together, both of my cousins acted out a lot. It took 7 years and tragically the death of one of the children for all of them to actually start acting remotely like a family.

Moral of the story (Aside from wait until he's actually divorced before you even think about being engaged): don't lie to anybody's kids like that. You have no idea what kind of emotional damage that will do to them, or whether or not you'll get a chance to make it up to them later on.

mysticl · August 2010

Ok, I'm going to stand up for the OP in regards to the amount of time they may have been dating and his divorce. It was about 3 and half YEARS from the time my mom left my dad till the divorce was finalized. It was a no fault divorce and my father refused to sign the divorce papers. At that time state law was you had to wait 3 years for the divorce if one party did not agree in a no fault, the extra 6 months was the fact that it wasn't eligible to be signed until the 3 yr mark so then it has to be added to the "pile" and be processed, etc. Yes, my mom was dating in that time period.

As for the rest of it. You need to meet those kids as "daddy's girlfriend" not "your new mommy" first. This is hard on them (trust me) and it needs to be done slowly. And yes every time they go home to their mother they may tell her stuff about you, she may pump them for information. Do not EVER make these kids feel like they have to keep secrets from one parent or the other. Never say a single negative word about their mother in front of them. You cannot keep your getting married a secret from these kids....talk about ruining everything. Like his relationship with them. And then he could resent you for that.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ex-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f4e771fd-46a4-4df0-98f5-5465424a85c5Post:22427d4e-297d-47c7-9148-af4c2e2b9017">Re: The Ex and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm going to stand up for the OP in regards to the amount of time they may have been dating and his divorce. It was about 3 and half YEARS from the time my mom left my dad till the divorce was finalized. It was a no fault divorce and my father refused to sign the divorce papers. At that time state law was you had to wait 3 years for the divorce if one party did not agree in a no fault, the extra 6 months was the fact that it wasn't eligible to be signed until the 3 yr mark so then it has to be added to the "pile" and be processed, etc. Yes, my mom was dating in that time period. As for the rest of it. You need to meet those kids as "daddy's girlfriend" not "your new mommy" first. This is hard on them (trust me) and it needs to be done slowly. And yes every time they go home to their mother they may tell her stuff about you, she may pump them for information. Do not EVER make these kids feel like they have to keep secrets from one parent or the other. Never say a single negative word about their mother in front of them. You cannot keep your getting married a secret from these kids....talk about ruining everything. Like his relationship with them. And then he could resent you for that.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]
Yeah, sometimes divorces can take quite a while. But if the OP hasn't met the guy's kids yet, and is adamant that the guy didn't leave his wife for her, I doubt they've been together all that long.

wwnbw · August 2010

i lived with my fiance for a whole year before i was actually divorced but that is not what is crazy...it's crazy that she hasn't met his kids and is thinking of marrying him.

Belle2Be · August 2010

:sits by Trix and Joy:

chamorsky · August 2010

Ok, guess I should have gone into further detail. I have every intention of meeting the girls. I don't want to be their mom, they have one. I'm gonna be the step mom, at 33 I can handle that. Yes they've been through a lot and I want to make things as easy as possible for them. As for not meeting them yet, well it's not due to my lack of not wanting to, trust me. He's wanted me to as well, however mom has been a stinker through all this, the past 2 years and has made this highly difficult. Now as for him wanting to get married, yes he does. I've asked over and over, tried to tell him wait, but he wants to as do I. It's not like I'm marrying him tomorrow. Way late next year is what the plan is. Now, onto another note that was somewhat hinted, we did not have an affair, he did not leave her for me, etc. We've known each other for several years, when he left her, I was dating someone else. The hard part is, we work together, but in different divisions, so we've always been friends, just like I am with several of my co-workers. NO it's not what ya'll think, we both work for a fire department, so you can imagine how hard that is in and of itself. As for the two of us, those girls are the main priority. Yes I can't wait to meet them and find out how they are. Just hearing him talk about them lets me see how much he loves them. They're 11 and 8, hard ages I know. This is something I pray about daily and will continue to do so. If I've sparked some issues with anyone, I do apologize, just looking for honest feedback which I've gotten and will take to heart. But again, I have been wanting to meet the kids for a while, mom just hasn't been cooperative.

chamorsky · August 2010

Forgot to add, we well be meeting each other next month and have much time to learn and grow together.

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