FI is getting Cold Feet, what to do??

pinkghm · August 2010

Sorry if this is not clear.

FI is getting cold feet. He is backing off all planning, action and keeping very quiet for the last 10 days. With only 20 days to go for the big day, and so much to do, I'm going crazy. I tried talk to him and he said the wedding is coming up so fast that he is not ready and not sure if i can handle him when we live together. I don't see why this need to come up now! We have dated for 7 years!!!! and engaged for 8 months!! Ok, the beginning of our relationship was not smooth. He is from a single family and withheld a lot. I was very shy and not talkative. But we both worked on it and the last couple years things were going very well. We talked, we played, we laughed, and i thought this has the potential to last a life time. Now i don't know what to do. I'm afraid to confront him, what if that force him to make the wrong decision? I'm also afraid he will just not show up. (He hid away for two months, twice, at the first two years of our relationship. I told him it was not acceptable. It stopped.) The hardest part about this is that If it happens, not only me, my parents will be deeply hurt. Just the thought of that breaks my heart.

I'm not sure who is over reacting here, me or him??

Any advices would be greatly appreciated!!

tamires90 · August 2010

I don't think you're overreacting at all. It's definitely not the best time he chose to have this little panic attack. I think if you guys have been together for so long and gone through so much that you can get through this.

try talking to him and seeing what his deal is. Don't push anything. In every relationship communication is best but patience is needed as well.

Best Wishes to you.

bethsmiles · August 2010

I think you have to talk to him, I really just don't know what other option you have. Its normal to be nervous before your wedding and it could just be normal pre-wedding nerves or he really could have cold feet. Either way you need to know and get to the root of his problems, hopefully before the wedding.

Belle2Be · August 2010

Talk to him.

emarston1 · August 2010

Find out exactly what he is so afraid of. He mentioned his issues with you not being able handle him when you live together. Find out what he means by this and then address the issue.

Tread very lightly. It sounds like he'll clam up if he perceives you pushing him at the very least. Have you done any premarital counseling? If so, see if you can get another session in before the wedding.

Communication is key. Good luck!

[Deleted User] · August 2010

Ditto pp. Try to talk to him. He could really be having cold feet, and if that is the case, you may want to re-consider things. It sounds like you guys had a rocky start even though things got better. Could any of this still be an issue that he needs professional help for? Maybe he really is just nervous for the big day, such a big commitment, etc. If you can do some quick pre-marital counseling, I would definitely recommend it. I am not trying to discourage you from going through with things, but walking away now will be a lot cheaper than a divorce a year or so down the road.

vegasgroom · August 2010

Might want to just elope if there's a realistic chance he won't show up for the wedding; and then there's no pressure of having a big formal wedding.

jmkes · August 2010

Talk to him. This is no time for him to be closed off and not speak up. If he does want to wait or call it off it's better for him to do it now than to wait until after the wedding. If he feels like you are unloading all of your wedding stress on him then try to back off a little bit. I use these message boards as a place to vent and problem solve. It keeps me from boring my FI with a ton of details and keeps me from transferring my stress on to him.

Re-examine what all is going on around you two. Let him talk to you about his thoughts, feelings and needs. He needs to let you do the same.

Boricua Gipsy · August 2010

Talking is neccesary. There's no letting him "heat up" to the event. It sounds like your rocky start may be coming back to haunt you. But, nevertheless, try to tell him how much you love him and how much he means to you. The important thing is to let him know that you really want him in your life. Don't go into the details of the wedding, or the fact that everything's all set for it. Cold feet manifests itself in different ways, but if it's a matter of him just not wanting to talk at all about the wedding or have anything to do with it, brace yourself for the worst. You may have to start thinking about breaking up the relationship. If he marries you without being sure, just 'cause he feels pressured, you're going to be unhappy. Guaranteed. Don't get caught up in the present stress of the wedding and all the details. The wedding IS ALWAYS about people who love each other and want to SPEND THEIR LIVES TOGETHER. If one of you is not sure about it, then it's a serious cause for concern. I suggest you talk to him and let him know the important thing is being together, and not planning the event. I really hope you can reach a solution and remember, sometimes the worst things that happen in our lives are really blessings in disguise. Meditate on that if things do get troublesome.

deepcovejackie · August 2010

Wow, that's tough. I'd suggest some counselling. You don't want your FI to be marrying you for the wrong reasons, or doing something that he's not sure of. Would he agree to see a counsellor?

pinkghm · August 2010

Thanks Girls so much for your advice and feedback! I feel much relief to see your posts.

We had to cancel one of major vendor meeting yesterday because he said he is too stress out and can't go. I know i need to talk to him as you all suggested, but I’m overloaded with emotions myself. They changed from afraid, upset, disappointment to angry in the last few days. I'm angry at him to put me through this in such a time. I know I have to clam myself down and put all my emotions aside when i talk to him. And it needs to be conduct in a very light, objective, warm manor. Otherwise, it can easily turn to a big flight and we won't have enough time to recover.

The last time we talked, he said he had built a wall around himself over the years and worry he will be too moody when we live together ( we have been to long trips and i did many weekend stay over, but we never live together). I told him we can work on it when it comes up, and I'm willing to bet my happiness because he is worth it. But he still in doubt.

To answer pps question, i never bored him with too much details of the wedding. My parents and I were quite okay with no wedding. I rather spend the money on travel. But FI insist to do it the traditional way then run away. So our wedding will be in a beautiful venue with 60 close friends and family.

Thanks for reminding me wedding is about the marriage of two people who love each other live together. I forgot about that when all the details drown me.

If he change his mind, I know I would not be able forgive him. Then, it will mean the end of us. I don't want that. I don't think that's what he wants either. I hope we can go through this, somehow.

Thanks for all your post again!!!

sprinklesnsparkles · August 2010

I would try and see if he would be receptive to talking with a counselor about it. I have a feeling that based on his past reactions, he may freak if you come too much head on with him since it is a very emotional situation.

FI is getting Cold Feet, what to do??

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