Holy Only Child Syndrome!

SDye · May 2011

I'm pretty sure what I'm getting ready to post is the worst story ever...

I chose my bridesmaids a year ago, and one is my cousin. My wedding is this Saturday. On Sunday night (yes, 6 days before the wedding!), this cousin, who "had a headache" the day of my bridal shower and couldn't come AND backed out of my 2-months-in-the-making out-of-town bachelorette party the DAY BEFORE because I DIDN'T GIVE HER ENOUGH NOTICE TO ASK OFF WORK) sent me a series of 15 unprovoked texts about how she didn't feel like I really wanted her in my wedding, she's had to bite her tongue about me for all of her 23 years, and she's sure that everyone will side with me because they always cater to me... THEN I found out that she never ordered her bridesmaid dress!!! Is this some elaborate plan to screw me over due to 23 years of jealousy???

I said, "So sorry to be such a burden. You can consider yourself relieved of your bridesmaid duties."

Sorry for the rant... but this chick is nuts.

Viczaesar · May 2011

How is this the worst story ever? And what does it have to do with someone being an only child?

mbcdefg · May 2011

Why did you ask her to be your bridesmaid in the first place?

If you asked out of family obligation, and/or if she wasn't that good of a person in the first place, then you can't expect her to magically change into an awesome friend just because you have a ring on your finger.

If you guys were always great friends, but she's suddenly done a 180 and turned into this awful person ... well, friends don't change for absolutely no reason, or suddenly turn into a mortal enemy because of "jealousy." Either something major happened in her life to make her act this way, or you're not as innocent as you probably think you are and you did something to piss her off.

I very much doubt that this is a pure case of her being jealous that you're getting married and then deciding to "screw" with you by not attending your pre-wedding parties (seriously, how on earth does it affect your wedding/marriage if she's not at these parties?) or not ordering her dress (did you ask her for the price she could afford before you asked her to buy it?).

There's definitely more to the story here ... either she was always this way and you've overlooked it until now because you expected her to shape up for your wedding, or she's rightfully pissed off at something (either something you did, or an unrelated situation in her life).

How about asking her what's wrong, rather than booting her from your wedding?

sleblanc72 · May 2011

I think you need to take a deep breath and then think about your cousin...why all of a sudden is she acting this way, likely there is something going on she has not told you about. Like mbc said call her up and talk to her about her, not the wedding but what she is going through in her life.

SDye · May 2011

Additional info: The massive text blast began with, "I've been invited to a concert and have friends coming into town from Florida this weekend. I don't know what to do." Is there really any decision to be made after you've committed to a wedding??? Who does that? P.S. She told me that the dress had been purchased and was in her possession.

MairePoppy · May 2011

I think you took her bait. Now she can honestly say that you kicked her out of your wedding party.

edit- spelling

mbcdefg · May 2011

But, again ... was she always this way, or is this brand-new behavior for her?

How old are both of you?

mcskatcat · May 2011

Honestly, from everything you said the only thing I think she did wrong was not ordering the dress. I doubt she did it to sabotage you. Sabotage is only in movies and Beastie Boy songs.

You shouldn't have taken two months to plan a bachelorette party, and I sincerely hope you didn't plan your own because that's more rude than not getting off work for one. You're in the wrong there, sweetie.

I think odds are you asked her out of obligation, and she only said yes out of obligation but didn't really want to do it. In the meantime, you've been hounding her on all this wedding business she doesn't care about.

Your wedding will be fine without her. Forgetaboutit and move on. Good luck!

marinabreeze · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:896a5b44-8fa9-46e5-9d31-998231eee368">Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty sure what I'm getting ready to post is the worst story ever... I chose my bridesmaids a year ago, and one is my cousin. My wedding is this Saturday. On Sunday night (yes, 6 days before the wedding!), this cousin, who "had a headache" the day of my bridal shower and couldn't come AND backed out of my 2-months-in-the-making out-of-town bachelorette party the DAY BEFORE because I DIDN'T GIVE HER ENOUGH NOTICE TO ASK OFF WORK) sent me a series of 15 unprovoked texts about how she didn't feel like I really wanted her in my wedding, she's had to bite her tongue about me for all of her 23 years, and she's sure that everyone will side with me because they always cater to me... THEN I found out that she never ordered her bridesmaid dress!!! Is this some elaborate plan to screw me over due to 23 years of jealousy??? I said, "So sorry to be such a burden. You can consider yourself relieved of your bridesmaid duties." Sorry for the rant... but this chick is nuts.
Posted by SDye[/QUOTE]
JIC

marinabreeze · May 2011

OP, 99% of the time it takes two for drama, and from the sound of it you're not in that one-percent.

You sound pissed because she didn't show up to your bridal shower and your bachelorette (which I hope you didn't plan yourself). While I can see being disappointed, I don't see why you seem to hold her non-attendance at prewedding parties against her. I also don't buy that she went off on you through text for no reason. There must be more to the story.

How were you acting towards her to make her think you didn't want her in the wedding? Did you choose her out of obligation? if you did, people can sense that kind of stuff. What were your expectations for her since she was in your WP? If they were beyond the dress and the ceremony, you expected too much.

I'm asking this because I get the impression that you're calling her crazy, but you're not making any effort to be self-aware. Not saying it's -all- your fault, but usually drama does involve the actions of (at least) two people, not just one.

Davesgrl2011 · May 2011

IDK, I can understand not coming to your out-of-town Bachelorette party. And maybe you only did ask her out of obligation, but if she said "yes" than she is "obligated" to buy the dress and show up to the wedding/reception. Maybe not the shower (although my feelings would have been hurt too) and not any other parties you had.

If she had a problem with the dress she was "obligated" to tell you when you picked it out. Especially if she was part of the decision making process, as my bridesmaids were. The fact remains that she lied to you about getting the dress. Maybe it was because she couldn't afford it after all, or she was trying to lose weight and didn't want to tell you. But it was still a lie.

Telling you that she couldn't decide between your wedding and a concert six days before the wedding is a jerk thing to do no matter what the provocation. I don't care if she did feel left out or unwanted. It sounds like she left herself out. She should have come to you when she started feeling that way.

I don't know what your relationship was like before the wedding or if you want to have a relationship with her after, but kicking her out is essentially burning that bridge- not that I blame you. How is the rest of your family dealing with this?

And it is true that you may be a total bridezilla that has expected your bridal party to live and breath your wedding for two years, empty their bank accounts, and be at your beck and call. If this is true, it still doesn't excuse her, but it makes me sympathize with her.

Too late to worry about it now! Good luck!

Viczaesar · May 2011

Again - what does this have to do with only children?

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to Holy Only Child Syndrome!:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty sure what I'm getting ready to post is the worst story ever... I chose my bridesmaids a year ago, and one is my cousin. My wedding is this Saturday. On Sunday night (yes, 6 days before the wedding!), this cousin, who "had a headache" the day of my bridal shower and couldn't come AND backed out of my 2-months-in-the-making out-of-town bachelorette party the DAY BEFORE because I DIDN'T GIVE HER ENOUGH NOTICE TO ASK OFF WORK) sent me a series of 15 unprovoked texts about how she didn't feel like I really wanted her in my wedding, she's had to bite her tongue about me for all of her 23 years, and she's sure that everyone will side with me because they always cater to me... THEN I found out that she never ordered her bridesmaid dress!!! Is this some elaborate plan to screw me over due to 23 years of jealousy??? I said, "So sorry to be such a burden. You can consider yourself relieved of your bridesmaid duties." Sorry for the rant... but this chick is nuts.
Posted by SDye[/QUOTE]

There have been women on these board who have had members of their WP pass away months before their wedding. My mom passed away 3 WEEKS before our DD's wedding. There are women whose friends or family have been in serious accidents or diagnosed with life threatening illnesses.

There are women whose venues have burned to the ground, or gone out of business just weeks before their wedding.

I'm a church organist and was called to emergency play for a wedding when the couple's organist died on the Wednesday before the Saturday wedding.

THOSE are "worst stories ever.....". Your cousin throwing a temper tantrum and you falling for it hardly qualify as a WORST story. I think you're over-reacting a tad.

But lots of luck to you.

mandi921vh · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:a65563fc-3a61-442c-bf06-528b85fa3e88">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]So she didn't come to the shower. Big deal. So she can't come to the b-party. Big deal. Not ordering the dress and lying about it IS a big deal.....and here's the "but." She wants to come out of this looking good to everyone else in the family, so she gets you worked up enough to kick her out. Now SHE is the one who will get sympathy....and for years to come, at every gathering. I sympathize with you, but you missed an obvious chance to show HER up.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this.</div>

thesequel · May 2011

Well....education psychology says:

Only Children typically:

- find sharing difficult

may be uncooperative if not getting own way

- may get along better with people older or younger than themselves

- may feel incompetent and unsure of self or may be perfectionist

How does this relate to your cousin? You took the bait and had a 6-year-old's version of a temper tantrum.

ajroark · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:a65563fc-3a61-442c-bf06-528b85fa3e88">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]So she didn't come to the shower. Big deal. So she can't come to the b-party. Big deal. Not ordering the dress and lying about it IS a big deal.....and here's the "but." She wants to come out of this looking good to everyone else in the family, so she gets you worked up enough to kick her out. Now SHE is the one who will get sympathy....and for years to come, at every gathering. I sympathize with you, but you missed an obvious chance to show HER up.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Agreed! Well said, Retread!

DeeDee00 · May 2011

I agree with pp! No one is obligated to attend a shower/bachelorette! I didn't attend my best friends, because I couldn't get off of work!!! People have reasons and things come up! And you can't expect everyone to cater to you! What this has to do with being an only child idk!!! But this definateky isn't the worst story ever! My cousins funeral was held 3 days before his mothers 2nd wedding! So be thankful you and everyone in ur life and family had life! Ur story could be much worse!!!!

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:896a5b44-8fa9-46e5-9d31-998231eee368">Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty sure what I'm getting ready to post is the worst story ever... I chose my bridesmaids a year ago, and one is my cousin. My wedding is this Saturday. On Sunday night (yes, 6 days before the wedding!), this cousin, who "had a headache" the day of my bridal shower and couldn't come AND backed out of my 2-months-in-the-making out-of-town bachelorette party the DAY BEFORE because I DIDN'T GIVE HER ENOUGH NOTICE TO ASK OFF WORK) sent me a series of 15 unprovoked texts about how she didn't feel like I really wanted her in my wedding, she's had to bite her tongue about me for all of her 23 years, and she's sure that everyone will side with me because they always cater to me... THEN I found out that she never ordered her bridesmaid dress!!! <strong>Is this some elaborate plan to screw me over due to 23 years of jealousy???</strong> I said, "So sorry to be such a burden. You can consider yourself relieved of your bridesmaid duties." Sorry for the rant... but this chick is nuts.
Posted by SDye[/QUOTE]

You are 100% right. That little creep has been planning since you were toddlers to screw up your wedding. She's been jealous and honing her plan for 23 years because you got a cooler toy for your first birthday party than she did.

And now it's finally working. It's always about jealousy. Always.

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:6742a9b5-1d23-41c4-a91a-23a2c4f58db4">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Holy Only Child Syndrome! : You are 100% right. That little creep has been planning since you were toddlers to screw up your wedding. She's been jealous and honing her plan for 23 years because you got a cooler toy for your first birthday party than she did. And now it's finally working. It's always about jealousy. Always.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Trix, you're the best! Really you're awesome. Just thought I'd share.

OP-I'm an only child and I don't see how her behaviour translates into that being the cause. Retread said it, you took the bait now you look like the bad guy. Anyway now that it's all over and done with, have a great wedding day and I wish you lots of love and happiness in years to come.

EmilyW416 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:9bd67efe-7adf-4704-a4d2-791d6e598b00">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Holy Only Child Syndrome! : [QUOTE ]I'm pretty sure what I'm getting ready to post is the worst story ever.. . I chose my bridesmaids a year ago, and one is my cousin. My wedding is this Saturday. On Sunday night (yes, 6 days before the wedding!), this cousin, who "had a headache" the day of my bridal shower and couldn't come AND backed out of my 2-months-in-the-making out-of-town bachelorette party the DAY BEFORE because I DIDN'T GIVE HER ENOUGH NOTICE TO ASK OFF WORK) sent me a series of 15 unprovoked texts about how she didn't feel like I really wanted her in my wedding, she's had to bite her tongue about me for all of her 23 years, and she's sure that everyone will side with me because they always cater to me... THEN I found out that she never ordered her bridesmaid dress!!! Is this some elaborate plan to screw me over due to 23 years of jealousy??? I said, "So sorry to be such a burden. You can consider yourself relieved of your bridesmaid duties." Sorry for the rant... but this chick is nuts. Posted by SDye[/QUOTE] There have been women on these board who have had members of their WP pass away months before their wedding. My mom passed away 3 WEEKS before our DD's wedding. There are women whose friends or family have been in serious accidents or diagnosed with life threatening illnesses. There are women whose venues have burned to the ground, or gone out of business just weeks before their wedding. I'm a church organist and was called to emergency play for a wedding when the couple's organist died on the Wednesday before the Saturday wedding. THOSE are "worst stories ever.....". Your cousin throwing a temper tantrum and you falling for it hardly qualify as a WORST story. I think you're over-reacting a tad. But lots of luck to you.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This, you BM is kinda a brat but it could be ALOT worse.

DeeDee00 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:3b8d587e-a507-440e-9252-e5796fa61acb">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome! : Wow. Does your period key not work?
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

<div>WOW. Get used to it. I have a right to use whatever punctuation I want!! And I thought this board was to give advice to the OP not criticize the way a responder types or talks!!!!!!</div>

thesequel · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:059defd3-ae3a-4dd0-a8fc-febc15683994">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome! : WOW. Get used to it. I have a right to use whatever punctuation I want!! And I thought this board was to give advice to the OP not criticize the way a responder types or talks!!!!!!
Posted by DeeDee00[/QUOTE]

<div>Holy temper tantrum! Did you stamp your foot also when you wrote this?</div>

jazzybacc · May 2011

Wow you girls are harsh. Maybe try reading all the other posts before you rip her a new one. I'm sure she regrets some of her actions, but everyone is entitled to a stress-release in such a difficult situation. You don't know what her life is like. Maybe try a little sympathy next time...

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:fe048cfc-21ff-41c6-9298-021bf23aa6f4">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow you girls are harsh. Maybe try reading all the other posts before you rip her a new one. I'm sure she regrets some of her actions, but everyone is entitled to a stress-release in such a difficult situation. You don't know what her life is like. Maybe try a little sympathy next time...
Posted by jazzybacc[/QUOTE]

I was wondering when the newbie-to-the-rescue bit was going to come out.

You know people always say think before you speak? Well on the boards it's LURK before you POST. If you lurked you would know why these answers were given. I'll leave it at that.

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_holy-only-child-syndrome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1764ad67-7b1b-4096-bdfe-a64256ad5669Post:fe048cfc-21ff-41c6-9298-021bf23aa6f4">Re: Holy Only Child Syndrome!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow you girls are harsh. Maybe try reading all the other posts before you rip her a new one. I'm sure she regrets some of her actions, but everyone is entitled to a stress-release in such a difficult situation. You don't know what her life is like. Maybe try a little sympathy next time...
Posted by jazzybacc[/QUOTE]

Thanks, mom.

jazzybacc · May 2011

Sorry girls if I broke some forum rule. I guess I just wish there was an easier way to tell her she was wrong in how she acted. Can't we all just get along?

mcskatcat · May 2011

Jazzy, to put it short - words often sound more blunt around here because you don't have the nonverbal cues to go with it. I often say things trying to be nice while telling them that something's not a good idea or that they're crossing the line, and I've still had girls go off on me. Stick around, get to know some posters better and you'll see what I mean.

catchmeblue70 · May 2011

Is your cousin the only child or are you? I've had friends behave this way because *I'm* an only child and they think I always get what I want.

Holy Only Child Syndrome!

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