so confused! help!

soontobett · October 2012

so my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 and a half years and have been engaged for 3. we are finally ready to actually have the wedding! yay! well now we don't know exactly how to tell people that. when he proposed he got me a beautiful ring that was way too big and i couldn't get that design in my size. so instead i asked him to give me a less expensive promise ring for now until we were ready to really start planning. we knew it was going to be a long engagement. well about a year ago we had a rough patch and broke up for about a week. we called off the wedding but after a month he asked me to start wearing my ring again but we didn't say that the wedding was back on, it was just a promise. now we are stronger than ever and finally ready to actually tie the knot. he just has to get the new ring. he is going to let me pick it out but won't be able to get it until late november/early december. we want to have a july wedding and have started researching venues and doing some rough planning. we decided that he will take me out to my favorite restaurant, give me a love letter, and then give me the ring that we picked out. so until that happens, we weren't going to announce it. we're afraid that we won't really have enough time to plan for a july wedding and want to get started but can't nail things down without a budget and without telling the people that would be involved. any advice?

catrb89 · October 2012

I don't really understand girls that plan their own proposal. Why require him to take you out and repropose when he's already done it once? Because you're trying to figure out how to tell other peple? I don't really get it. How old are you, out of curiosity?

MrsMack10612 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_so-confused-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b1944bb3-e004-47ac-9c81-930f49148aa8Post:31a4ae9e-d7aa-41c1-b036-4dd55423201b">Re: so confused! help!</a>:
[QUOTE]ok i feel like maybe i wasn't clear. the ring isn't the important part, nor is the proposal. i'm just trying to figure out if we should start telling people. the first ring was returned, the second ring was purposely inexpensive and not too extravagant, meant to be just a placeholder. So the "third ring" is the engagement ring. i haven't actually gotten a diamond ring that i got to keep. it's not like i'm being greedy and expecting him to buy me three rings, it's not like that. as for the dinner, we just wanted to make it special. when he proposed it was special and unexpected and perfect and i'm not asking for a new proposal. but we are young and nobody took it seriously at first. and really, it wasn't. we weren't planning a wedding at that time and we were only 18. but now we have a very strong, real relationship and have grown a lot as individuals and as a couple and are ready to take the next step. and i am not planning a proposal, we are planning a special occasion to celbrate the fact that it's finally time to actually plan a wedding. i'm trying to figure out the best way to let our friends and family know this. if i just say "we got engaged!" they will say "you were already engaged" and if we don't do something special to mark the occasion (put a ring on my finger in a formal setting)<strong> i'm afraid that nobody, myself included, will take it seriously</strong>. we did things out of order and are trying to compensate for that. we want to communicate to everyone just how special this time in our relationship is, and that it's finally happening for real. i must say i feel a little attacked and i don't appreciate this. i thought this was a place where brides came together to share the planning of their special day. i thought that if i was going to find people who understood how vulnerable my situation makes me feel, that it would be here.
Posted by soontobett[/QUOTE]

Why would you not take your own engagement seriously? That makes not one bit of sense to me.

catrb89 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_so-confused-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b1944bb3-e004-47ac-9c81-930f49148aa8Post:d4a6604b-2bdb-4007-b46f-d06ceedf29c1">Re: so confused! help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you can phrase it to your family and friends as "Fi and I are finally in a really good place and we're officially planning the wedding for June 2013. Ring to follow shortly!" My family would get excited with that announcement, and I'm sure yours will too. Don't feel attacked - your first post just made it sound like you cared more about the ring than about what it stood for. Your clarification makes more sense - you want it to be special. But trust me, the engagement period is special enough, and once you start throwing out concrete plans (i.e. choosing a venue, finalizing a date) everyone around you will realize it's for real. ETA: if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your VIPs about it and trust them to either a) respond with excitement or b) not respond with excitement, and have that not phase you. So give them a change to get excited for you.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

This.

You don't need to make him repropose. People upgrade their rings all the time. Just let your famliy and friends know when the wedding is. It's weirder to have another proposal because it makes it seem like you two weren't serious in the first place.

erinlin25 · October 2012

agree with above in terms of announcing it. Since you were young before, people probably didn't take it seriously (you guys didn't it seems) and so now that you guys are older and ready for it to really happen, I think it's nice that you want to establish that. Time wise you are cutting it close, but if you have been looking at things and know things like what venue you want and whatnot, it will all work out and can probably be done. You may just be limited to what is available if you are set on July 2013, but that will vary from area to area. I just got engaged in August and we are just now getting into planning the details for a June wedding and all has been fine so far, but I know I'm feeling like its crunch time to secure other areas (dress, vendors, etc). Your first thing will be securing a venue so although you don't have your ring yet, if you guys are serious I would announce that to your family so you guys can start planning now, rather than waiting another month. Or you wait to make the official announcement, which means you wait to make official plans and may need to push back your date if you can't find a venue available that time of year.

KatWAG · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_so-confused-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b1944bb3-e004-47ac-9c81-930f49148aa8Post:31a4ae9e-d7aa-41c1-b036-4dd55423201b">Re: so confused! help!</a>:
[QUOTE]ok i feel like maybe i wasn't clear. the ring isn't the important part, nor is the proposal. i'm just trying to figure out if we should start telling people. the first ring was returned, the second ring was purposely inexpensive and not too extravagant, meant to be just a placeholder. So the "third ring" is the engagement ring. i haven't actually gotten a diamond ring that i got to keep. it's not like i'm being greedy and expecting him to buy me three rings, it's not like that. as for the dinner, we just wanted to make it special. when he proposed it was special and unexpected and perfect and i'm not asking for a new proposal. but we are young and nobody took it seriously at first. and really, it wasn't. we weren't planning a wedding at that time and <strong>we were only 18</strong>. but now we have a very strong, real relationship and have grown a lot as individuals and as a couple and are ready to take the next step. and i am not planning a proposal, we are planning a special occasion to celbrate the fact that it's finally time to actually plan a wedding. i'm trying to figure out the best way to let our friends and family know this. if i just say "we got engaged!" they will say "you were already engaged" and if we don't do something special to mark the occasion (put a ring on my finger in a formal setting) i'm afraid that nobody, myself included, will take it seriously. we did things out of order and are trying to compensate for that. we want to communicate to everyone just how special this time in our relationship is, and that it's finally happening for real. i must say i feel a little attacked and i don't appreciate this. i thought this was a place where brides came together to share the planning of their special day. i thought that if i was going to find people who understood how vulnerable my situation makes me feel, that it would be here.
Posted by soontobett[/QUOTE]

You have been engaged since you were 15? And have gone through 3 different rings? And are planning our out the proposal? IMHO, this is probably why they havent taken your engagement seriously.

I agree with others, if you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to tell mom and dad. You made a comment about wanting to start planning but you need a budget first. I hope you arent counting on other people to pay for your wedding.

KatWAG · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_so-confused-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b1944bb3-e004-47ac-9c81-930f49148aa8Post:bc4f1831-6b19-4f03-8010-cddb70c0ee13">so confused! help!</a>:
[QUOTE]so my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 and a half years and have been engaged for 3. we are finally ready to actually have the wedding! yay! well now we don't know exactly how to tell people that. when he proposed he got me a beautiful ring that was way too big and i couldn't get that design in my size. so instead i asked him to give me a less expensive promise ring for now until we were ready to really start planning. we knew it was going to be a long engagement. well about a year ago we had a rough patch and broke up for about a week. we called off the wedding but after a month he asked me to start wearing my ring again but we didn't say that the wedding was back on, it was just a promise. now we are stronger than ever and finally ready to actually tie the knot. he just has to get the new ring. he is going to let me pick it out but won't be able to get it until late november/early december. we want to have a july wedding and have started researching venues and doing some rough planning. we decided that he will take me out to my favorite restaurant, give me a love letter, and then give me the ring that we picked out. so until that happens, we weren't going to announce it. <strong>we're afraid that we won't really have enough time to plan for a july wedding and want to get started but can't nail things down without a budget and without telling the people that would be involved. </strong> any advice?
Posted by soontobett[/QUOTE]

This is the budget comment I was referring to in my previous comment. You should only plan for a wedding that you and your Fi can afford.

BethanyA92 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_so-confused-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b1944bb3-e004-47ac-9c81-930f49148aa8Post:26c2be13-f6fd-4427-8008-e851e3cc4e37">Re: so confused! help!</a>:
[QUOTE]no i was not 15 when i got engaged. i really should have known there would be some rude bridezillas here i suppose. some of you are just mean and judgemental. i am so done with this bs. if you are going to post negative comments maybe you should work on your reading comprehension. thank you to the few of you actually had something helpful to say. i hope your weddings are amazing!
Posted by soontobett[/QUOTE]

<div>I know i am not the ont being so incredibly rude to you, but I am still sorry that you are being unfairly subjected to their wedding stress release. I think as for as your original question, you should not be afraid to tell your VIPs, because if they really are VIPs to you and your fiance, then they will be more than happy you two are finally ready to get married. Like someone said in an earlier comment, tell your VIPs that you two were too young before, when he originally proposed (I'm guessing you were 18 when that happened and you are now 21, if my math is correct?) Anyway, you should not be worried about breaking the news at all. be excited to share the news. You and your man are FINALLY going to get married! How awesome is that?! Be happy, and don't worry about that. I think you also were worried about having ample time to plan your wedding? Yes, you have reason to be concerned that it may not be enough time, but if you have good friends and/or a helpful wedding coordinator, you should be able to pull everything together be the time July rolls around. </div><div>
</div><div>I hope you have a wonderful engagement, wedding, and most importantly, a great marriage. good luck with your wedding planning! :)</div><div>
</div>

catrb89 · November 2012

No one here was rude. It might be time for a thicker skin. You wanted opinions and you got them. Part of being a grown up (and a married grown up at that) is realizing that people aren't always going to tell you want you want to hear.

KatWAG · November 2012

OP, you said in your post (which I quoted) that you are only 18. My point is you might want to slow down and give yourself a little time to grow up.

Also, you said in a different thread that you boyfriend hooked up with someone else. I assume this is why you broke up. Have you taken time to completely resolve these issues?
Sorry, OP but based on the limited information that I have, there are a lot of red flags.

Edit: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_cold-feet-need-advice

KatWAG · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_so-confused-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b1944bb3-e004-47ac-9c81-930f49148aa8Post:9a3b40c0-76b2-4121-bf86-695e08992e81">Re: so confused! help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I sort of <strong>wonder if the underlying point of this post is about money</strong>. Like she wants to ask parents for money to help but since she's only sort-of engaged doesn't know how to go about it. I say wait until you save up some money of your own. I mean if he can't afford the ring until November then you probably aren't ready to pay for a wedding.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

I agree! You shouldnt assume your parents are going to foot the bill.

kaos16 · November 2012

Although I don't think anyone has been rude to you, at all. . . . i'm sure you will ignore the following as rude as well:

If you are so concerned about essentially making a show of being re-re engaged to convince people that you are serious this time, maybe it's really you that needs to be convinced. If in your heart you considered yourself engaged to your fiance all along it would be enough to tell your VIPs that you chose a venue or a date, and leave it at that. Your big event could be as simple as calling them to let them know, or sending out STDS.

The way your post comes across, although a little confusing to understand, seems that you want to put on a show to prove that the engagement is real. That seems silly, and immature to me. Plenty of people make an adult, mutual decision to get married and begin planning their wedding. All of this talk of multiple rings and planning the perfect proposal is a bit much.

Plan your wedding, pick your venue, and then you and your fiance can go out to dinner and have a great meal toasting to your date/venue. . . . there are a million great excuses for a celebratory dinner without having to make a show of a 3 years past engagement.

Meghannsix · November 2012

As confused as you think you are OP, I'm even more confused. If you want to plan a wedding, start planning. You don't need an event, to announce your "real engagement" with your "actual engagement ring" or whatever you want to call it.

so confused! help!

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