Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)

Celles · August 2010

FI and I were having this (purely academic!) debate over the weekend, inspired by a friend whose situation -- sadly -- is not academic.

Which is worse? Emotional infidelity (i.e., your significant other falls in love with someone else but does not engage in a physical relationship out of "respect" for the prior commitment) or physical infidelity (i.e., your significant other has a sexual relationship with someone else, but no emotional entanglements)?

crfische · August 2010

I think it's REALLY easy to say that if they are cheating emotionally it's not REALLY cheating, which is BS.

Emotional cheating I think is worse.

And it's not cheating if it's YOUR dog.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

I really don't know. It's a good question.

I have a married friend who I feel like is having an emotional affair right now. It's hard to watch her doing this and I feel like she is hurting her marriage, and trying to get what she's missing from this other guy instead of her own husband. I can't decide if it's worse than just having sex with someone else or not. I think for a woman, emotional is worse because it's so much more wrapped up and intimate than just sex. I don't know if that makes sense but it kind of makes sense in my head right now.

laurenclaire1386 · August 2010

Honestly, I don't think one's any worse than the other. They're both fucking awful. I'm trying to put myself in both situations, and I'm finding that, hypothetically, the feelings of hurt, mistrust, and betrayal are the same either way.

playtntsbpg30 · August 2010

The feeling of the person that is getting hurt I believe is very mutrual in this. My ex emotionally cheated on me and not for one second do I think he did physically. But either way it KILLED me inside and destroyed my heart terribly, I don't think it would have been much different of a feeling being destroyed if I knew it was physically.
Hopefuly this makes sence.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I can't really choose. I don't think I could forgive either one. If H fell in love with someone else, then I couldn't be married to him knowing I didn't have his whole heart. If he slept with another woman, I'd never trust him again and would be disgusted.

ricksang · August 2010

I MAYBE could forgive a one time deal but an emotional affair is unforgivable.

PirateintheSky · August 2010

I definitely think Emotional is more painful. To think that he cared enough about someone else and little enough about me to hurt me like that would kill me. Also its easier to just write the physical off as hormones, impulse, possilby alcohol, and lust. However, I have never been able to have a physical relationship without emotion. I realize that is not the case with a lot of people.

Also, I think that although Emotional is worse, it would be easier to come back from and trust the person that they will never do it again. A lot of people have a few loves in their lives, but its that they chose you over everything else. If in the end they do chose you and fess up, then there can be a possibility of a reunion. If a person is just physically cheating, then they either 1. Don't care enough about the relationship to control themselves or 2. Cannot control themselves. Either way I could never trust them to not do it again.

ohwhynot · August 2010

Both are too painful to contemplate for long. Good question, though.

MissLeahM · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worse-poll-cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c1c2efe-8c5f-4137-bc6f-0c0d0e74b153Post:5493d813-328c-4777-ad9e-4ccc571efe98">Re: Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)</a>:
[QUOTE]I MAYBE could forgive a one time deal but an emotional affair is unforgivable.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

This. Double emphasis on maybe.

Celles · August 2010

I don't think I could forgive either, but I definitely feel that an emotional affair would have a more devastating long-term impact. Interestingly, FI feels the opposite.

I suspect that there are some gender-related biases involved. From an evolutionary perspective, sexual selection favors promiscuous males (males who have lots of sex are likely to pass their promiscuous tendencies on to their male offspring) and natural selection favors nurturing females (the offspring of nurturing females are more likely to survive and be nurturing themselves). If this is true, then it seems to follow that men would be more likely to see sexual infidelity as worse while women would have a harder time with emotional infidelity. Obviously, I'm over-generalizing -- and it's been a long time since I took evolutionary psychology! -- but I thought it made for an interesting discussion.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worse-poll-cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c1c2efe-8c5f-4137-bc6f-0c0d0e74b153Post:44246a8d-511f-4b4b-8442-e8a01c115400">Re: Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)</a>:
[QUOTE] If this is true, then it seems to follow that men would be more likely to see sexual infidelity as worse while women would have a harder time with emotional infidelity.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with that and was having a hard time putting into words so I stopped trying.

squirrly · August 2010

I think men can have sex without being emotionally invested much more easily than women, so if the guy was having an emotional affair, it would be worse than him having a physical one.

If it's the girl cheating, I kind of think it's the other way around. Women can have emotional relationships with people much more easily than men, and the line of where a good friendship becomes an affair is potentially grey. Whereas, if she's having a physical relationship, that's more out of character.

Obviously, that's based on a lot of generalizations and not necessarily true for all people. But, I think the immense hurt would be worse for me if I were cheated on emotionally.

Celles · August 2010

I agree with all of that, Squirrly.

wadingmoose · August 2010

I can't decide. Both would be awful and I'm pretty sure if either happened to me, I'd think it was worse than the other option

I'm indecisive today.

marisah83 · August 2010

To me, they are both very bad, and I'm not sure I could get over either one. I've dated guys who have physically cheated, and that was awful to handle. I don't even know how I would react with emotional cheating.

L-Bride · August 2010

I think an emotional affair would be so much more painful for me. Like pps stated Fi thinks a physical affair would be harder to get over. I personally would feel so violated if I knew FI had a "closeness" with another female because for me, our bond is what makes me love/appreciate him so much. Our relationship is fun and feels kind of like a "secret" him and I share together, even though there is no secret - if that makes any sense.
If he had this with someone else I would be crushed.

ricksang · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worse-poll-cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c1c2efe-8c5f-4137-bc6f-0c0d0e74b153Post:44246a8d-511f-4b4b-8442-e8a01c115400">Re: Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I could forgive either, but I definitely feel that an emotional affair would have a more devastating long-term impact. Interestingly, FI feels the opposite. I suspect that there are some gender-related biases involved. From an evolutionary perspective, sexual selection favors promiscuous males (males who have lots of sex are likely to pass their promiscuous tendencies on to their male offspring) and natural selection favors nurturing females (the offspring of nurturing females are more likely to survive and be nurturing themselves). If this is true, then it seems to follow that men would be more likely to see sexual infidelity as worse while women would have a harder time with emotional infidelity. Obviously, I'm over-generalizing -- and it's been a long time since I took evolutionary psychology! -- but I thought it made for an interesting discussion.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · August 2010

I do think emotional cheating is worse - but I'd still be really pissed off about physical cheating.

Either way - if it happens, I'm out, no second chances. See ya!

baystateapple · August 2010

I think it all just completely sucks, but I picked Option A. FI having the hots for someone would upset me far less than him thinking he's in love with someone else. It would still upset me, don't get me wrong...but physical interest is fleeting. An emotional relationship is way more serious.

loop0406 · August 2010

I think physical would hurt me more and harder to forgive. Emotional means there are feelings and thoughts but no 'act' has been committed meaning they are trying to still respect me....with physical, they decided to take their clothes off, forget that I existed and engage in intercourse ...both are bad but I think if it came down to it, most would forgive emotional over physical if they absolutely had to choose which to forgive....

loop0406 · August 2010

Celles , I asked my fiance this question just now and he agrees with yours, he says physical cheating is worse, that he'd have an image in his mind of me with someone else and that he'd never be able to move past it.

pooh8402 · August 2010

my H and I have actually had this discussion with some other friends of ours (mixed male and female). our group came to the conclusion that women would think an emotional affair to be worse, and men would think the physical to be worse.

so as women, we'd be more hurt if we found out our husband was in love with another woman, even if they never did anything physically. our husband would be confused because he doesn't think he cheated.

as men, our husbands would be more hurt if we had sex with another man (or men), even if they were just one night stands and didn't mean anything. we might be confused because in our minds, we're still in love with our husband, and the one night stands meant nothing.

I'd be pretty damn hurt either way, but I think I'd be more hurt if it was an emotional affair. I believe that we could work through physical cheating alone, but an emotional affair would be more difficult to work through.

andy71781 · August 2010

I emo-cheated on my high school/college boyfriend (during college). It was the worst guilt imaginable. I think that I could maybe forgive either depending on the situation but emo-cheating would be harder to forgive.

mica178 · August 2010

Emotional cheating is way worse, although both are bad. Yes, I agree with the textbook psychology/evolutionary behavior analysis of why men and women disagree on which is worse.

MVJP10 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worse-poll-cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c1c2efe-8c5f-4137-bc6f-0c0d0e74b153Post:5493d813-328c-4777-ad9e-4ccc571efe98">Re: Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)</a>:
[QUOTE]I MAYBE could forgive a one time deal but an emotional affair is unforgivable.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

THIS.

rbtrumpet · August 2010

I didn't read all the responses, and I'm probably in the minority here, but I think physical cheating is worse.

It's hard to control your emotions - there's always going to be the new secretary at work who is really hot, or that friend that you have a long conversation with one night, and realize you have more "feelings" for them than you do for your partner. In marriage "feelings" fade, and that's when the relationship is based on true love (the hard work kind, not the "fluttering butterflies" kind), and an active choice to keep the marriage alive. Feelings are fickle - you can fall in an out of "love" with 100 people, if you only define love by emotions.

Physically cheating on your partner means you made the choice to hurt the person you have promised your life to. You made a deliberate decision to break your vows.

*However* - I will say, if you make an active choice to foster feelings (with or without physical action) for another person, then I think they are both in the same category.

katiewhompus · August 2010

I think for me it would be emotional. Like a pp said, it's easier to believe that a physical affair (one time only) was a result of hormones/drunkeness/whatever. It would still be a deal breaker but I think it would be an easier deal breaker
An emotional affair would be hard because I wouldn't believe it was purely emotional, and I would constantly wonder what was wrong with my personality that my husband wanted someone else.

I think it's ok to think someone is hot or funny. Dh and I often point out beautiful people to each other and I don't really care if he checks out someone as long as life is still good physically between us. I think if he has a friend who he wants to talk to more than me, or who he cares about more than me it becomes an issue.

snoangel79 · August 2010

My ex did both and they both ripped my heart out and basically made me so sick I lost around 20lbs after I broke up with him! So regardless they both hurt especially if the one he does it with is older by say 10 or more years! gross! She was a disgusting cougar! I still have thoughts of ripping her face off 3 years later. I already did my "revenge" to him hahahaha.

Theresa626 · August 2010

I voted for three because both are terrible and deserving of some serious counseling and changes.

mica178 · August 2010

There's no such thing as an emotional one night stand. To emotionally cheat, your FI/DH/SO would have to develop a relationship with another woman. I'd probably feel like dying if I found out my FI cheated on me in any way, but to find out he had a long emotional relationship with another woman would kill me. I can handle that he finds other women sexually attractive. i'd like to believe that our emotional relationship is unique.

Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)

Re: Which is worse? (A poll about cheating.)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards