Am I irrational to be annoyed by this (long)?!?

spenny8 · March 2010

FI asked a college friend to be a groomsman in our wedding about a month ago. FI and this friend were the same major, had almost every class together, and hung out all the time. After graduation (which was this past May, so not long ago) they still talked through text, random phone calls, etc.

When FI asked this friend, the friend seemed very caught off guard and asked if he could call back in a few weeks (I was already annoyed by this). He finally called back this past weekend and said he wasnt going to do it, and he gave all sorts of ridiculous excuses. He said that he didn't want to because then his fiance would have no one to sit with since he'd be at the head table (she'd be in the same boat as the rest of the wedding party's dates, none of them know eachother or really any other guests, so they would all be at a table together to hang out). He said that he wouldnt be able to make it into town until Saturday, the day of the wedding, and thus wouldn't be able to come to the rehersal (he wouldnt even have to come to the rehersal, all he has to do it walk up the aisle in the beginning and down it at the end, no rehersal needed), and he couldn't come to the bachelor party unless it's in his hometown (where the 2 of them went to school - he doesn't know that it won't be there yet).

I'm a bit annoyed that he refused, since I feel like that is very poor etiquitte, but I'm more bothered by all of his lame excuses. If he didnt want to be in the wedding, then all he had to do was say so. That would be more polite than making up excuses.

To top it all off, he's getting married at the end of the month that we're getting married in. So we'll have our wedding, go on a honeymoon for maybe 10 days, then get back home and jsut as things start to wind down we'll have to drive 7.5 hours to his wedding (ours is only a 3.5 hr drive for him, since we're getting married where we grew up, not where we are now).

It's not that I mind that he's not in it, I can live with the bridal party not being even with the grooms party. Its just that he made us wait and then let us down. The wedding is in only 3 months, so anyone FI asks now will know that they weren't first choice. He could have been MUCH more tactful in his refusal.

Ugh. I apologize for this long ridiculous rant.

emily.ayala · March 2010

First of all, I do kinda think you're being a little irrational about this. I don't think it's poor etiquette to decline being in a wedding party. It's his perogative.

Second, maybe the excuses are lame, but maybe he's embarrassed to tell you the real reason. Maybe he cannot afford to be a groomsmen or has some other equally valid reason. And maybe he took the time, so that he could put some thought into if he could realisticly be a groomsmen or not. I'd be willing to bet there's some backstory to this that he is not telling you.

Finally, you are being particularly irrational about when and where his wedding is. He is under no obligation to consult you about when or where it is convenient for you to have HIS wedding. If you think it's so terrible, then don't go. Send a card. Problem solved.

Oh, one more thing. I don't think your FI should find a replacement groomsmen. The person will know they were only chosen because someone dropped out. Uneven sides are fine.

That is all.

kimheartsscott · March 2010

Did you ask he be a GM or demand he be a GM? You ASKED so he can so no all he wants. You shouldn't care his reasons.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

Yes. You are being irrational. Should you be disappointed? Sure. Pissed? Definitely not. He has every right to decline being in the wedding party. The reasons don't matter. It's his choice.

Also, I think it's shitty when the WP isn't allowed to sit with their dates at the reception. His concern about his FI sitting alone is completely valid.

amagwire · March 2010

I can see being hurt about it, but it's his decision. No one is required to accept a position in the wedding party. Honestly, I wish I had refused being a bridesmaid once, but I didn't want to hurt the bride's feelings. His excuses may be lame, but he clearly just doesn't want to do it.

jennylove810 · March 2010

Ditto PPs. I don't think him declining is anything personal, actually I think chances are he's super busy with his own wedding stuff.

And if you're concerned about the travel time to get to his wedding, just decline and send a gift! Problem solved. (And don't feel bad about this, because unless it was a really good friend/family member, I wouldn't drive 7.5 hours to get to someone's wedding)

felicia220 · March 2010

Wow, I think you are being totally irrational.

First, as others have said, if he doesn't want to do it, regardless of his reasons, he doesn't have to. He is planning his own wedding as well.

Second, I think that worrying about his FI is a COMPLETELY LEGIT reason. I think it is rude to have people who don't know each other sit together. I wouldn't come to your wedding if I had to do that. Some people think this okay, but you are asking people to come to a wedding where they know no one and then they can't even sit with the one person they know. Just Crazy.

Third, what does his wedding being 7.5 hours away have to do with him not wanting to be in your WP. Nothing. It just sounds like you don't even like this guy.

I think you are making a big deal over nothing, no one is obligated to be in your wedding.

nhelene · March 2010

I don't think you're irrational for being annoyed. When things go wrong in your plans, you are allowed to be annoyed, and you are allowed to post long tirades about your annoyance to internet strangers.

But then you need to take a few deep breaths and move on.

I think your FI's friend probably wanted to be involved in your wedding but really had to take some time to think about if he could be committed to your wedding and his own. His excuses were pretty legit, and all of those factors contributed to his decision.

Now, if you only asked him a month ago... I don't see why your FI can't ask another person (if he wants to) For a while my FI was really on the fence about asking another of his friends to be in the wedding party, and I just told my BMs that we might add another girl to the party and to not make a big deal about when they had been asked. I think that decision really depends on your FI and his friends.

noodle_oo · March 2010

I agree with everyone else.

megk8oz · March 2010

An invitation is not a subpoena. He had every right to decline.

Head tables that separate the BP from their dates suck and are absolutely rude "Oh, look at me and my husband celebrate how happy we are together. Wait? You're one of my best friends? Ooh, sorry, you can't sit with your s/o that day, even though our less important guests are allowed to".

DH and I aren't joined at the hip, but if one of our "friends" was planning to "honor" us by sticking one of us at a table with a bunch of strangers while all the "regular" guests got to sit with their s/o's, we'd say "Thanks, but I'd rather be a regular guest since you plan on being way more polite to them".

Maybe his real reason for not wanting to be a GM is he just can't bear the idea of standing up there smiling while a good friend marries a peach such as yourself.

Lenore2010 · March 2010

Whatever the reason(s) you should be glad he declined rather than grit his teeth and be in the wedding. Reluctant wedding party members are a serious pain, and I have seen plenty of them in lots of weddings.

Also, I agree with all the PP, why would you separate wedding party members from their dates? I went to a wedding years ago where the bride and groomsmen were riding in limos to the wedding and their dates had to drive on their own. I was maybe 18 at that time and knew nothing about weddings, but my mom raved about how rude it was.

Audrey&Austin · March 2010

Its not irrational to be annoyed by it, but if you're upset about it you might want to sit down and talk with your FI about it. I agree with PP's that say it is his prerogative to decline, and it is easier to have him decline than to have an unhappy and disgruntled groomsman.

I also think you might want to reconsider not allowing the wedding party to sit with their dates. Just a thought...

suz62984 · March 2010

Just because you ask someone to be in the WP doesn't mean they have to accept. So his excuses might have been annoying but he doesn't owe you this.

Jeffie86 · March 2010

I hate to play devil's advocate, but how long does anyone actually stay in their assigned seats. Maybe through dinner and dessert? I think a significant other, while a little uncomfortable, should embrace the opportunity to meet new people during a meal, perhaps, other dates of the wedding party. They'll survive, and once the dancing starts, who really sits, anyway?

That said, this gentleman was totally allowed to decline being a groomsman. I'm sorry for the frustration and planning kinks it has caused, but, like everyone else says, I'm sure he's got his reasons.

xoxob · March 2010

I'm confused by a lot of these PPs - I thought it was a newer trend to allow the WP to sit at separate tables. I went to a bunch of weddings this summer and only one of them didn't have a head table. My FI (the BF) was in all of them, and I still had an amazing time. I sat at a table with other people who were happy to be there, got to know them, laughed, and enjoyed the open bar. By the time dinner and the cake cutting was over, FI and I were on the dance floor together and with his old and my (newer) mutual friends. So, I think if you want a head table, then that's your perogative and also you have to do what makes sense for your venue. My venue has two dining rooms and because of the size of our guest list we have to split the guests up. There is a sweetheart table in each dining room, so we'll have a course with both rooms, and all of the toasts and cake cutting is done in a logia between the two so everyone can enjoy.

On the other question of you irrationality, I agree with nhelene, you have a right to be annoyed when things don't go your way, and you have a right to vent to internet strangers, you don't have a right to be sour to this man or his FI at your wedding. You don't have a right to whine about the fact that his wedding is a month apart from yours. One of my good friends is getting married 3 weeks before me, she got engaged after me and when she told me her date, I laughed at said, "You better be back from your honeymoon in time....and at least you'll have an awesome tan!" Weddings are a happy time, just remember that and feel lucky that you're spending your day with a WP that wants to be a part of it.

sophistryliz · March 2010

You're definitely being irrational. I understand your disappointment but come on. Also, this is kind of off topic, but I think head tables in general are tacky, especially if the wedding party cannot sit with their date...that's no fun. Opt for a "sweetheart table" instead.

Lenore2010 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-irrational-annoyed-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:669faad2-708e-4d9c-9aa6-b7bbdf70e3e1Post:2bbe93ae-a2ae-4029-ac73-6b3cc73e2634">Re: Am I irrational to be annoyed by this (long)?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]You're definitely being irrational. I understand your disappointment but come on. <strong> Also, this is kind of off topic, but I think head tables in general are tacky, especially if the wedding party cannot sit with their date...that's no fun</strong>. Opt for a "sweetheart table" instead.
Posted by sophistryliz[/QUOTE]

I was at a wedding a few years back where they had a very elaborate head table. It was elevated and people "down below" got to look up at the bridal party. I did not much care, but a few people made comments about feeling like "peasents". I am guessing you are not alone in your opinion.

Also to the PP who said it does not matter where people sit because they do not stay seated long, that may be true but I still think people want to sit with their mates-I know I do in all occasions.

krmabojo · March 2010

I cannot even read the rest after the part where the GM's fiance would be sitting by herself at the reception. How rude of you.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

You made the decision to have a head table and he made a decision to not make his SO feel uncomfortable by leaving her at a table alone with strangers. Just because you ask doesn't mean someone has to accept. Its better that he took a while to think about it instead of deciding later that he didn't want to, right?

Beth0882 · March 2010

Every wedding I have ever been to before this past year has had a head table-- I think it is definetely the norm as opposed to the newer trend of not having a head table. My mom and aunts and grandparents were shocked when I said I didn't want to have one. That said, the reason I don't want to have one, and why I think not having one is the new trend, is so that the wedding party can sit with people they enjoy and their s/o's aren't alone. But still, it is a new trend and hasn't caught on with everyone yet!

I agree that the guy had a right to say no but depending on how long it took him to get back to you, it might have been more polite of him to let you know a bit sooner. Now if you asked him recently and he took aa few weeks, then it sounds like you waited a ltitle too long to ask peopleto be in your wedding. Either way, good luck figuring out what to do next!

goetzr19 · March 2010

Why in the world is everyone freaking out about s/o's being seperated from the WP? We are all adults are we not? Suck it up for the hour long dinner, and be done with it. Although he did have the right to say no, he should have done it with more tact, and on a more timely manner, but some people are not like that. No one should be able to tell you whether you should be annoyed or not---its your life after all. Just dont let it affect your day. I commend you on the fact that you are willing to have uneven WP sides--not many brides can do that!!!! Best of luck!

banana468 · March 2010

We are all adults.

But the good ones know better than splitting up an established social unit for the sake of a dumb head table.

hope1009 · April 2010

wow! your post defines what bride-zilla really means, selfish, rude and inconsiderate. At least he was honest. You need to do a serious reality check, life is not about head tables and who should feel lucky enough to be in your wedding, there may be bigger things than your wedding going on for that man that he doesn't care to involve you in. Get over yourself. Head tables are so 80's, it's important to keep couples together and not be silly about it. Unless your specfic head table is made of gold and has rainbows and doves flying out from underneath it....... If you need this much control now, looks like your Hubs is in for the ride of a lifetime.

jlw559 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-irrational-annoyed-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:669faad2-708e-4d9c-9aa6-b7bbdf70e3e1Post:d44eb0c5-d4e9-4617-89d5-e555bc4a02c6">Re: Am I irrational to be annoyed by this (long)?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]An invitation is not a subpoena. He had every right to decline. Head tables that separate the BP from their dates suck and are absolutely rude "Oh, look at me and my husband celebrate how happy we are together. Wait? You're one of my best friends? Ooh, sorry, you can't sit with your s/o that day, even though our less important guests are allowed to". DH and I aren't joined at the hip, but if one of our "friends" was planning to "honor" us by sticking one of us at a table with a bunch of strangers while all the "regular" guests got to sit with their s/o's, we'd say "Thanks, but I'd rather be a regular guest since you plan on being way more polite to them". <strong>Maybe his real reason for not wanting to be a GM is he just can't bear the idea of standing up there smiling while a good friend marries a peach such as yourself.</strong>
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

Well said.

squirrly · April 2010

Oh, good gracious. Yes, you're irrational. He declined. Move on.

You can choose to learn from it, though - head tables suck. They just do. I've been a single guest at a wedding seated with friends; in the WP seated at the head table; the date of a GM & seated with people I had never seen before or since. In all cases, whether it impacted me at all or not, I thought they were rediculous, and that was well before the knot and realizing other people agreed with me. They're offensive. Seat people with their SOs/dates. You can sit with the couples that are part of your WP. You can sit with family. You can sit by yourselves. But don't mistreat your guests - and don't ever forget that your WP members ARE guests as well.

The fact that he has scheduling conflicts and a shortage of finances are not really for you to judge. He said no. The distance you'll be driving to attend his wedding is of no bearing, either - the invitation to his wedding is an INVITATION - not a summons. Go if you can. Don't if the drive is too great a burden.

Please, though - grow up.

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_am-irrational-annoyed-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:669faad2-708e-4d9c-9aa6-b7bbdf70e3e1Post:40c4c7ae-bd53-4740-a1e1-a9e6a716e67c">Re: Am I irrational to be annoyed by this (long)?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]We are all adults. But the good ones know better than splitting up an established social unit for the sake of a dumb head table.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
This times a million.

T has anxiety problems and I would feel horrible leaving him at a table with a bunch of people he does not know while I'm stuck at the head table. In fact, this happened once and it sucked.

Am I irrational to be annoyed by this (long)?!?

Re: Am I irrational to be annoyed by this (long)?!?

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