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Private Ceremony with Larger Reception?

crumbcake82crumbcake82 member
First Comment
in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
I'm having an Old Hollywood/Travel themed reception in a renovated old movie theatre.  The reception has been fun and so much easier to plan than the actual ceremony.  At this point I'm stumped.  This is a second wedding for both of us.

Orignally, we had wanted to have the reception as a send off, and we were going to get married on our Honeymoon.  I'm a fairly fun loving person, but when it comes to the emotional, gooey stuff I'm very private, as is my fiance.  And now, bowing to pressure and guilt, we've decided to have a small, intimate ceremony for immediate family and close friends.

First Question, is it rude to invite people to a reception and not the ceremony?
Secondly, any ideas on how to involve his 8 year old daughter? We are not very traditional, and I'm not all for having a flower girl.

Part of the reason I'm against having the ceremony is dealing with family expectations.  My stepfather will not be walking me down the aisle, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'd rather not have a lot of aisle walking, but how else do people approach the ceremony? Would it be all right just to have my mom and stepfather walk in together?  My mom didn't talk to me for about two weeks after my first wedding because she was so angry with me. (It was a surprise wedding, did not go over well)
My fiance is concerned because his family is religious and we are not, so he doesn't want to uspet his mother either. 

Sooooo, any ideas on how to do a non-religious, non-traditional, small ceremony that's more than just a justice of the peace saying "Do you? And do you?"
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Re: Private Ceremony with Larger Reception?

  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2012
    The only way to have a small ceremony and larger reception is if the former is truly tiny. Like 20ish people or less, immediate family only. Otherwise it's inappropriate to invite people to only the reception.

    As far as the actual ceremony, you could have readings or music that is meaningful to you. Don't worry about it being too short/simple. Honestly, I think most people prefer shorter ceremonies. Mine was religious and fairly traditional, but it didn't last more than 15 minutes and my aunt's was 5, max, in the same church.

    ETA: absolutely have your mom and stepfather walk in together. You can tell them you prefer to walk in alone or with your groom or whatever you decide to do. You also don't have to have a long processional. Any wedding party you have can be already standing up front if you like.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2012
    No, it's not rude to have a small, intimate ceremony and a large reception. If you keep the ceremony list to immediate family members and a few very, very close friends, it should be fine. If you find that you are including more than 20 in the ceremony, it starts to look like a tiered event, which would be rude.

    If you want to avoid a processional, just tell everyone to meet up at the courthouse (or wherever) at such and such a time for the ceremony. You and fi could arrive a few minutes ahead of time to greet your guests  and direct them to their seats. You could probably skip the written invitations for the ceremony part, if you like.

    There are only so many ways that you can include others in your ceremony. Your fi's daughter could be a  groom's woman, best woman, bridesmaid or flower girl. Or she could do an age appropriate reading that fits with with your own beliefs. Your FILs will probably be so proud that they will forget the lack of religious reference.  If none of that appeals to you, buy the little girl a beautiful dress of her choosing and present her with a corsage to wear. That should make her feel special.


    ETA     http://www.weddingideaschat.com/topic/93913-readings-for-children/
                       
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  • MrsGandthebeagMrsGandthebeag member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    I'm not a fan of just having a small group for the ceremony and a larger reception. Etiquette wise though, as long as the ceremony is just immediate family, you're in the clear.  We had a JOP and she gave me options of what could be said, readings/no readings, etc.  I think our ceremony was 15 min tops.  A good JOP can give you some options.  You don't have to come up with ideas on your own.  
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  • crumbcake82crumbcake82 member
    First Comment
    The ceremony will probably be fewer than 15 people in all.  I love the idea of his daughter doing a reading.  I wouldn't think she would do it in front of a giant audience, but she would probably do the reading with a small group.  I was thinking of presenting her with an engraved locket or something of that nature to be part of the ceremony.  Would it be too cheesy if I asked her permission/blessing to be part of her family?
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-with-larger-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cfc3ba3b-7fa9-4d47-9832-02ccfc385f21Post:b997e432-4368-43e1-850a-11459c248559">Re: Private Ceremony with Larger Reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The ceremony will probably be fewer than 15 people in all.  I love the idea of his daughter doing a reading.  I wouldn't think she would do it in front of a giant audience, but she would probably do the reading with a small group. <strong> I was thinking of presenting her with an engraved locket or something of that nature to be part of the ceremony.  Would it be too cheesy if I asked her permission/blessing to be part of her family?</strong>
    Posted by crumbcake82[/QUOTE]

    <div>In private, sure. Not during the ceremony, which should be focused on the two adults getting married.</div>
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  • LiLe422LiLe422 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-with-larger-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cfc3ba3b-7fa9-4d47-9832-02ccfc385f21Post:6a2e0404-fedc-473d-9d9b-33be1f604659">Re: Private Ceremony with Larger Reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Private Ceremony with Larger Reception? : In private, sure. Not during the ceremony, which should be focused on the two adults getting married.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this. 

    I'm on the fence about asking his daughter for permission of any kind.  I get that you want her blessing, but it seems inappropriate to ask a child for permission to marry their parent. 
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  • LiLe422LiLe422 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-with-larger-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:cfc3ba3b-7fa9-4d47-9832-02ccfc385f21Post:7ba5e31b-db13-4243-990e-9f34af03c5ce">Re: Private Ceremony with Larger Reception?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Private Ceremony with Larger Reception? : Meh, I don't mind the permission thing.  <strong>I know for a fact that if my brothers and I had not given our blessing, my mom would not have married my stepdad</strong>. <strong> However, the time for that is prior to planning a wedding, not during the ceremony itself.  </strong>
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    But how old were you and your brothers at the time?  Op's FSD is eight years old.  I don't know, just seems odd to me to ask an 8 year old for permission.   On the other hand, I do understand OP seeking the approval of FSD. 
     
    I Completely agree that if OP wants to ask FSDs permission, it should have been done prior to planning.  To do it now is pointless.  Besides, at this point, I think OP would already know if FSD approves or not. 
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  • marisa176marisa176 member
    First Comment
    I'm with the PP that you could ask his daughter to do a reading. Also, I think taking her shopping for a nice dress, jewelry for the wedding would be a great way to bond. Plus, it may be cute if your FI walks down the aisle with his daughter, then escorts her to a front row seat. Just an idea! Best of luck on planning your small ceremony! 
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  • crumbcake82crumbcake82 member
    First Comment
    Those are some great ideas, thank you.  I guess the blessing thing was more of a way to try to involve her.  She's a great kid and she's having a hard time as her mother moved her out of state.  She seems to have quite a bit of anxiety about not being around her dad as much.    
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