Are we doing the RIGHT thing??

CD2011 · September 2010

Perhaps you could do a brief "ceremony" at the picnic. Some people have more than one ceremony because of different heritages and whatnot, so why not? Just something informal, but that will make guests feel like they are a part of your wedding and not just there for giftgiving

AndrianaTimothy · September 2010

ok i did a similar thing. My husband and I wanted to be married on a 3rd. His bday is the 3rd as well as mine so that's our number anyway we planned to be married 9.3.11. However plans changed. We were engaged 8 months when his grandfather died, my poppa died in 2001, we are very close to pur grandparents. so on our way back from the hospital we looked at each other and decided to get married 9.3.9 which was 5 days away. because it was a spur of the moment thing we only had the close family there. i come from a biggg Italian family also and it was hard not to invite them but it was a 5 day planning thing. we did it in the backyard and had a minister of all faiths marry us. it was hard for me not to have my entire family there but we wanted to be married so our grandmother could see it. so anyway we decided to get Remarried next yr 9.3.11 and do a church and party wedding. we are invited the people we wanted to invite in the first place and now it is up to them if they want to come or not.

i agree with one of the previous posts that you should expect anything from your guest tho. The people who came to my first wedding are invited and will come but i don't expect them to give us another gift.

you have to do what you want. if you want to have a party with your friends and fam that you couldnt invite to the destination wedding do it! especially if it is no cost to you or your fiance and your parents are willing to do it all.

all i can say is it is YOUR wedding day. dont worry about what others will think, i didnt i wanted to marry my husband.. it was for him and i no one else!

mm1515 · September 2010

I personally feel the ceremony is the most important part, however, if you only invited family to your destination shin-dig to save money, who am I to feel slighted because I only got an invite to the 'reception'? It's not any guests place to feel like they are so important that your family-only wedding should include them.

Your wedding = you invite whoever you want to whatever portion. If people feel insulted, then that's their problem.

semicolon · September 2010

All I can think of, are your poor grandparents who don't get to see you. I know my GP's would just have a heart-attack if they weren't at my wedding. However, I come from a traditional family.

Personally, I would have no problem attending a reception from a destination wedding.

Someone commented earlier about not attending receptions when they weren't invited to weddings. Generally I'm the same way. However, I think destination weddings are the exception.

I've never said to myself, "Why didn't Bob and Jill fly me to Hawaii to see their marriage?"

Go for it!

On the flip side, I would just love to say that I hate a tacky "please come to our reception but not to the wedding" people who aren't having destination weddings. I feel like they're fishing for presents! But that's not the case with you, at all. )

Cleo7 · September 2010

<div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:f5e5d338-e33c-4dc0-93a2-609ab8a9155a">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Trix. I am not a big fan of AHR. <strong>The point of the reception is to thank your guests for coming to the wedding. </strong>So, if you don't invite them to the wedding, you have nothing to thank them for, therefore negating the need for a reception at home. Personally, for me, an AHR is gift grabby. They come across as the B&G don't think I should come to the wedding, but I can come to the party and bring a gift. Seriously, the cheapest part of the day is the ceremony, so I am curious how you are possibly saving money. You have to travel to your destination, pay for hotels and every meal out. Having a ceremony in your home town will actually be cheaper.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

I have to say I respectfully disagree with this (although the rest of vsgal's post does raise some good points) - thanking guests for coming to the wedding is part of the reception, but it also gives people a chance to celebrate with the bride and groom. However, family, religious and regional traditions are all different, so go with what makes sense and is appropriate in your context.

Personally, I would rather go to a "welcome home Mr. & Mrs./celebratory party" if the wedding ceremony was private than to not have an opportunity to celebrate with my newly married friends at all.

As long as people attending the party/reception <strong>know</strong> that you are already married and that a ceremony won't be taking place, they have the information they need to decide if they want to attend or if they're too offended that they didn't go to the actual ceremony.

JMHO - but if you make the party out to be too "weddingy" (dances, all-out bridal attire etc) it<em> might </em>strike some people as a bit odd that you didn't have the ceremony there, too. It's all about finding a balance.

I've also found that *someone* will find fault with your wedding plans no matter what you choose (big, traditional wedding? Expensive! Wasteful! Frivilous! small, intimate ceremony? you'll regret it! why can't aunt Hilda come? you only get one day to be a bride! Destination Wedding? selfish! Too expensive...you get the picture.), so do what's right for you and FI.

</div>

McGe · September 2010

My fiancee and I are doing a similar thing in almost a month. We're getting married on a beach in SoCal with a total of only 17 people, which includes us and the photo and video guys! We're having the reception, to which everyone is invited, two days later in Arizona where we live. We'll be showing a professional video of the wedding at the start of the reception, so everyone will still get to experience it, if in a smaller way (and we stated on the invites that the wedding will be a small DW held a few days prior, and that a video would be shown at the reception).
We're not doing it this way to save money, but because it's what we've always wanted...just a small simple ceremony on the beach. Plus almost none of our friends and family live in CA, so by not inviting everyone to the wedding we're saving some of them the expense of the trip, while still having the ceremony that means the world to us.
We've already had a few people say that they really really want to be at the wedding, but they understand what we're trying to do. It's not possible in any way to make everyone happy on anything. Do what you want. Stick by your guns and the people that love you will try to understand.

uniqueshanny · September 2010

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. a lot of people don't even go to the ceremony anyway, unless they're family. that's what my mom did when she got remarried. they had family at the ceremony, and then came back form the honeymoon and had a big party for everyone else. and since your parents are throwing it, if anyone complains you can just blame them

annraj · September 2010

We are doing the same thing. We live in New Zealand, but my family is from Switzerland and my H2B is from Sri Lanka. So what we'll do is have a beautiful ceremony in Thailand (closer to Europe and the perfect honeymoon place) with about 20 people. Then when we come back to NZ we'll have a dinner somewhere at a lovely restaurant for all our friends. And theeen sometime next year we'll have to go to Sri Lanka for an "afterparty". My in-laws are going to pay for that though (yippieh). There are going to be tons of people i'm sure. hahaha.

Nothing wrong with having the picnic. I love the idea and people should understand your situation.

BTW, where are you going to have your destination wedding?

andgrrea · September 2010

I know people who have done similar things for various reasons; a close friend of mine had a bar relationship with her father, and as such opted for a very private out of town civil ceremony (5 people total), and then made up for it with a large engagement party celebration with friends, where excluding certain family members wouldn't be as noticable. Some people were put off by it, but most people realized that the most important thing is finding someone you want to spend you life with, and not going into mountains of debt or mental anguish over the decision.

Some people will be pissed. If they're worth your time, energy, and love, they'll get over it or talk to you about it. If not, then you're clearing some selfish people out of your life as a bonus.

As for being gift-grabby or whatever, if it's a casual event, I would assume some people will chose not to bring gifts and some will, based on their connection to you and your partner and their resources. Take it for what it is. When you're honest, all people can do is respond in kind or make asses out of themselves.

Narna · September 2010

GO FOR IT!! THis is exactly what we are doing...we have told ppl that after being togther for 12years and having 4 kids (we are high school sweethearts) that the cermony is just for us to "finalize" what most ppl assume now anyway - that we are married...
We also felt that with family issues (his parents are divorced and after 25yrs there is still tension) that this sort of reception would take away the "stress" of a normal wedding and if they fight/play up at least the speical day was still speical for us and our boys!!

metallicashley · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:f7358400-c4cf-4166-a8ef-1e272c81cf3a">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people will probably be hurt and not understand why you couldn't just have your ceremony at the same time as this party and have them attend. I also don't understand why you can't do that.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

<div>"Why" probably has something to do with- because this is what they want to do. She CAN have the ceremony and reception at the same place, if that's what they want. If they choose not to, for whatever reason, that's their choice. True friends will support her and her husband.</div>

laurelt805 · September 2010

It is totally acceptable to invite people to the reception and not to the ceramony. people will understand that its a destination wedding and you have chosen to keep it very intimate.

There is NOTHING wrong with keeping you marriage ceramony intimate and keeping it with what makes you happy, then asking friends and family to celebrate and share your joy with you when you return home.

venrena · September 2010

Your family sounds just like mine so I understand why you're doing the destination thing! lol. Everyone keeps saying the ceremony is the cheapest thing but not if you're having it someplace cool like Disney World. lol. I had a friend who did just this and it was great! She didn't expect gifts, didn't do a registry. Everyone went to the party and had an amazing time, even the orignal nay-sayers. It's hard to ask other people's opinions on this because if it's what you want for your wedding, it's what you want. In my area less and less people attend the ceremonies even when they're local so I don't see much of a difference. Just have fun with it. I like that they're not calling it a reception, they're calling it a welcome home party. My friend's parents called it an Introduction to Mr. and Mrs. X. party. They didn't send out formal wedding invites, it was a simple cute BBQ handwritten invite. She had over 250 people there! And if you want to throw some of the traditional stuff in there go for it, it's your party! Just don't expect gifts, don't do a registry and then the guests will be free to do what they think is right. Even if you had a big wedding at home I'm sure some people would have something to say about the date, the time, the location, etc. You can't please everyone so do what you want. it's your wedding!

ashlidie · September 2010

Absolutely! This past weekend my cousin just had her "reception" under a tent on a farm by our old houses where she did the father daughter dance, garter and bouquet toss, cut cake and shoved it into each other's faces, etc. They re-wore the dress/tux too so everyone could see them all dressed up together.

The actual wedding was 3 weeks ago and maybe 40 of us went to a beach in North Carolina to celebrate the ceremony and there we had a sit-down dinner.

It worked out perfectly, everyone got the chance to participate, particularly those who couldn't afford to go to the beach. The food was catered by a local restaurant but it was like pit beef, corn, pasta salad etc. in a buffet style so it was like a glorified picnic. I had a fantastic time.

mcornelissen · September 2010

I would not feel offended at all. I will love to join my friends for a reception after they got married wherever! Go for it. It is afterall YOUR day, not your friends or fam.

lpolak · September 2010

I think it's just fine. My fiance and I have gone to a reception for a friend of mine and her husband a couple of weeks after they got married in Las Vegas. They did a small get together at a bowling alley where her mom cooked a bunch of food. We brought a gift, but weren't pressured to. We went and had fun with them because it we were there to celebrate the fact that they got married to each other. We didn't feel bad because we weren't invited to the wedding (which was a destination considering we're all from the midwest) but went and celebrated their new life together. They didn't do a father/daughter or mother/son dance, bouquet toss or garter toss though. They came in looking nice in dress clothes, but not a gown and tux. Everything was low key and fun. I think it's just fine to do a destination wedding with a few close relatives then a reception at home if that's what you want. Personally, we're not doing it because we figure you only get married once and want to throw one big party with all of our family and friends there, for the ceremony and reception, but to each her own! I say go for it if it's what you want!

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