FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents

salt78 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:97b964ad-b43a-421f-8ec8-4fcae570571c">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Baaahahahahahahahaha holy sheet, I'm dying over here!! Where can I get this on a t-shirt?
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>Hahaha I should add it to my CafePress.</div>

autumnbreeze26 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:5dff8086-4e58-4fa2-b6aa-f49ae55bbe20">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Not valuing a pet is despicable to me and she was very open about wanting it "to go away" and punishing it by leaving it outside. So yeah, I will post whatever I want to her. Kaythanks. I also hugely judge anyone who would post anything defending her.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

I am a huge pet lover and am one of those people spending thousands of dollars to save her dog from cancer. So yeah, I think it's pretty despicable as well. And I wasn't saying that you can't post want you want to her, I was just saying that I think it's immature, high school really, to continue to berate her on posts that have nothing to do with the dog. Especially since she's not saying anything mean to you. But hey, you can post what you want and sound as immature as you want, after all this is the internet, right? It's not like you actually have to be mean to her face, right?

I wasn't defending her in any way either. As a matter of fact, I do believe I said that what she wrote was disgusting and that the dog should be taken away.....Hmmmmm, defending? Notsomuch.

There is this crazy little thing here called the block button so you won't have to read her posts.....

I'm just wondering why you took my post so personal??

p.s. I don't give a shitt if you judge me or not....Kaythanks! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

ETA: That Fu Pax ninja is pretty damn funny!!

L-Bride · December 2010

Enough you.

M&R7111 · December 2010

Wow - so my post made months ago that many people did not like is now causing you guys to be pissy at each other? My goodness. I never thought I was so significant - be it positive or negative!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:82a5b3e9-8a4b-4615-ae54-b0051937d10d">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback. My parents are paying for the wedding and my mom has kept asking if FI's are covering the RD (<strong>they're traditional I guess)</strong>. My FI's mother has said they would cover the RD, but she also doesn't have a lot of money and hasn't mentioned it again. So I suppose it's been more pressure from my side of the family. I guess I'll just tell my mom to not plan on it, and <strong>if she wants a rehearsal and dinner (which she does b/c of OOT guests) then it's up to them to pay for</strong> and we can do it as cheap as possible. Ideally I would like for FI and I to pay for it, but I just can't count on that money at the moment (unless I could do it for under $100, which I guess I could!).
Posted by casies683[/QUOTE]

1) Just because they have a "traditional" view doesn't mean everyone will do what they want. Case in point. Expecting that your FI's parents are also "traditional" and have been saving so that one day they can have the honor of hosting his RD.

2) No, it's your wedding, it's not up to them to do anything. I really always wonder about this. When you got engaged, what did you expect? Did you just say, "Hey, mom and dad, I'm getting married, better get out your check book!" Did you have a plan in place to pay for a wedding if they didn't offer? Did you really never consider if you were in a financial position to get married? I mean, it's great your parents want to pay for it, but I would ALWAYS make life decisions counting on only myself, you know?

emilyinchile · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:be1f4009-4d5c-4b98-bd01-5aaa02c89a6f">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Normally the way you would handle the parents and money situation is towards the beginning of the wedding planning you have a discussion with them where you say, "I don't want to pressure you into paying for anything. I just wanted to know if you wanted to pay for something so that I can know what the budget is and include you in the decision making."</strong> (Even this should be skipped if you think the family dynamics would be harmed by the suggestion.) It sounds like you're past that point, and he offered to pay for the suit. You can't go to him and say, "thanks for paying for this. Will you pay for that, too?"
Posted by fhorns147[/QUOTE]

No. That's not normally the way you would do it. Normally the way you would do it is plan to pay for everything yourselves unless someone offers. If you're getting married, you are by definition adults. Adults do not ask other adults to pay for things for them.

OP, you can definitely do something inexpensive and casual for an RD. Pizza, sandwiches, a BBQ at your house...all great options. The only real requirement is to have some kind of meal if you have a rehearsal and to invite the SOs of people involved in the rehearsal to that meal.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

M&R also mentioned JUST YESTERDAY that she can't wait for the dog to be gone, so there's that.

emilyinchile · December 2010

M&R, I've been ignoring you because I don't like you but haven't cared enough to bother telling you that until now. But seriously? You posted that dog thing, and then I haven't noticed you since. Then today, you're in a bunch of threads and starting your own. Of course the really outrageous, crappy thing you said that's the last thing anyone remembers of you is going to come up. Don't act like for months and months all anyone has been able to talk about every day is you - you really AREN'T that significant.

M&R7111 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:8e9a00c8-af0b-4791-842d-e6d7ef9d729d">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]M&R, I've been ignoring you because I don't like you but haven't cared enough to bother telling you that until now. But seriously? You posted that dog thing, and then I haven't noticed you since. Then today, you're in a bunch of threads and starting your own. Of course the really outrageous, crappy thing you said that's the last thing anyone remembers of you is going to come up. Don't act like for months and months all anyone has been able to talk about every day is you - you really AREN'T that significant.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

I've been around but go through times where I'm too busy to get on TK so I won't be around for a month or so. Now I'm on vacation and have free time to get on here and can post often. So it's not like I'm just busting in here to throw posts up for attention.

I just don't get why - when I make a thread or post a comment somewhere - everyone has to bring up the dog thing. The fact that every time I come back on you guys make it the big "talk of the moment" that I'm here seems pretty significant to me. Just ignore me. See the block button? Use it. I sure do.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Gosh, I can't believe that girl defending M&R's thread about her FI's dog. I am not a dog owner, nor have I ever been one. However, never would I talk like that about an animal. I do like dogs and H grew up with plenty of animals, its just that we can't have pets where we currently live. I am sure we will get a dog when we have kids, though.

casies683 · December 2010

Please don't get mad at me, I'm not trying to be insensitive or greedy - would it be inappropriate when I'm talking wedding stuff to either of his parents to just say that we're working on planning the RD...and perhaps that will spark the conversation?

salt78 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:e4557a3f-85ff-444d-9e67-f7941586b895">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Please don't get mad at me, I'm not trying to be insensitive or greedy - would it be inappropriate when I'm talking wedding stuff to either of his parents to just say that we're working on planning the RD...and perhaps that will spark the conversation?
Posted by casies683[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly, I would say your best bet at this point is to plan the RD that you can afford and not expect anything from your FI's parents. Then later if they decide they want to contribute, it will be like a nice surprise. </div>

M&R7111 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:e4557a3f-85ff-444d-9e67-f7941586b895">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Please don't get mad at me, I'm not trying to be insensitive or greedy - would it be inappropriate when I'm talking wedding stuff to either of his parents to just say that we're working on planning the RD...and perhaps that will spark the conversation?
Posted by casies683[/QUOTE]

It might - but if you aren't planning to actually plan and pay for one you might get stuck. If your intention is to get them to offer and pay, they might call your bluff.

emilyinchile · December 2010

You are entitled to post wherever and however often you want, and you can post for whatever reason you want, whether that's to ask/answer questions or to get attention.

But you seem to be confused about the definition of the word "significant." You are not significant in the sense of important. People do not talk about you when you aren't here. No one cares about you as a poster.

What you said, however, was significant in the sense of having meaning. People DO care about what you said. You said a really horrible, horrible thing - too horrible in my mind to come from someone who is otherwise normal. So yeah, when you come around, people remember that and bring it up because it was such a big thing. The fact that you don't get that just reinforces to me that you're not normal. Besides, I'd like to know if my etiquette advice is coming from someone who shares characteristics with serial-killers-in-training.

L-Bride · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:88174ad4-9ab1-4fe3-aa11-07b80bec1238">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : It's like receiving a fruitcake at Christmas. The gift that no one wants.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

No need to insult fruit cake like that.

M&R7111 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:8c8e944f-7955-47b4-aa16-9c75c67fbde8">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]You are entitled to post wherever and however often you want, and you can post for whatever reason you want, whether that's to ask/answer questions or to get attention. But you seem to be confused about the definition of the word "significant." You are not significant in the sense of important. People do not talk about you when you aren't here. No one cares about you as a poster. What you said, however, was significant in the sense of having meaning. People DO care about what you said. You said a really horrible, horrible thing - too horrible in my mind to come from someone who is otherwise normal. So yeah, when you come around, people remember that and bring it up because it was such a big thing. The fact that you don't get that just reinforces to me that you're not normal. Besides, I'd like to know if my etiquette advice is coming from someone who shares characteristics with serial-killers-in-training.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Well, I don't get why they bring it up - if it's so horrible.
I usually don't respond to this whole dog thing but what I do see is that it takes over other people's threads who are asking for advice and then people who don't know the whole 'story' come in and say WTF is going on? and the whole thing starts again.

I'm going to continue to post where and when I want - and will continue to ignore anything about the dog thing. But now you have people you accuse of being on my "side" that you are now arguing with. It just seems all silly to me. I'm not bothered by it in the least but everyone's harping about me seems to be pissing other people off.

salt78 · December 2010

You'll notice the people that are on "your side" are all new to the situation and don't know the full story from before.

ETA: And we bring it up because it's not like you are any different now than when you said those things. Why would we want to share space in here with someone who talks about wanting their animal to die? Do you honestly not see what is wrong with that? Because if you don't, then you have more wrong with you than I thought.

emilyinchile · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:8230b730-174d-4d87-be4d-8526b175542d">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]But now you have people you accuse of being on my "side" that you are now arguing with.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

No I don't. I haven't said one thing about that. E is - surprise! - full of all different people who say all different things.

You are confused about the different usages of the word "significant" and now cannot distinguish among different people...work on that.

M&R7111 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:a75a02f5-4fdf-4b7f-b1f7-c373fd82ae82">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : No I don't. I haven't said one thing about that. E is - surprise! - full of all different people who say all different things. You are confused about the different usages of the word "significant" and now cannot distinguish among different people...work on that.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

"You" didn't specifically mean emilyinchile - It was more of anyone who is continuing to argue with me on the dog thing.

"Significant" meaning having consequence

Hope that helps.

Hope that clears things up.

emilyinchile · December 2010

Yeah, it clears up that you don't know how to use "you" correctly either.

I think the intricacies of the English language are probably the least of your worries though.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

M&R...seriously? You don't understand why people continue to bring it up? A messageboard is a community. You can be on the outs on a messageboard just like you can in the meat world, because the same rules of conduct apply. I've seen TK likened to high school several times today, always when someone new is running to defend your situation which they know nothing about. So fine. We'll call it high school. You sit down at a table in the cafeteria one day. You start talking to some new people. You say some terrible shiit that offends everyone. Two months later, you go sit down at their table again. Honestly, what do you expect? We don't want you to sit at our table. We don't want to give you advice, because we flat out don't like you. That's not going to change. Everytime you come here, you will be the girl who wants a dog to die, and it will be brought up. Nobody needs to block you. You need to go sit at a different table.

autumnbreeze26 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:d20be50b-e09b-4d66-816e-19d402c21f4d">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : Honestly, I would say your best bet at this point is to plan the RD that you can afford and not expect anything from your FI's parents. Then later if they decide they want to contribute, it will be like a nice surprise.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Plan on doing it yourselves. Bringing it up in a nonchalant way around his dad might drop a hint. But if it doesn't work, then you still have a plan. Also, the pizza (and beer!) idea is a great, cheap way to go. There's no need to have it be expensive and elegant when you're wedding is the main attraction.

As for the M&R thing, for those who have a hard time with comprehension, I AM NOT DEFENDING HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've read her original post that has everyone up in arms. And again, I think that what she wrote is very wrong, disgusting and every negative adjective you can imagine. But it's completely unnecessary to derail other peoples threads just because she posts in them, especially if she's not talking about killing dogs in her post. I'm sure the OP's of those threads find it annoying that the drama is being brought to their threads when they have legit questions they need answers to.

I am now done with the whole M&R dog thing.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and new year!

emilyinchile · December 2010

But Mel. It's immature. I mean think about it this way:

If this were a lunch table, and someone came over to this table to ask a question, and in the middle of that question being asked M&R plopped on down and started eating her sandwich, wouldn't you just ignore the whole M&R weirdness and tell the nice exchange student where room 203 was?

Oh wait no, actually you wouldn't. You would say room 203 was down the hall and in the same breath ask M&R exactly what the hell she thought she was doing. Even though it's a public high school, and no one owns the lunch tables. Huh, weird, the internet IS like real life after all!

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:769dda5a-c5b8-4f6d-a538-056ae113fd23">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]But Mel. It's immature. I mean think about it this way: If this were a lunch table, and someone came over to this table to ask a question, and in the middle of that question being asked M&R plopped on down and started eating her sandwich, wouldn't you just ignore the whole M&R weirdness and tell the nice exchange student where room 203 was? Oh wait no, actually you wouldn't. You would say room 203 was down the hall and in the same breath ask M&R exactly what the hell she thought she was doing. Even though it's a public high school, and no one owns the lunch tables. Huh, weird, the internet IS like real life after all!
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

The loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there...

musicalsunlight · December 2010

OP, you have gotten some pretty good responses to your question, and I would echo their sentiment. My FILs are much less financially stable than my parents, and I'm not expecting anything from them except their support on our wedding day. My family is paying for a majority of the major wedding expenses (at their offering and my grateful acceptance), and though we have not even begun to talk about the RD, I am fairly certain it will be FI and I paying for it and therefore it will likely take place in the party room at our apt building. Nothing fancy, but who says it has to be? I bet you will have just as nice of a dinner on your budget as you would have otherwise.

Ps- as I was typing this, my puppy jumped up on my couch and started licking my neck. And I loved her for it.

emilyinchile · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-not-wanting-discuss-budget-w-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:870442b4-311a-41d3-a41f-85a59d168cf4Post:2d062be6-cdd6-48d3-bfd9-eab7ea23f1fc">Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents : The loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there...
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

As if.

casies683 · December 2010

2) No, it's your wedding, it's not up to them to do anything. I really always wonder about this. When you got engaged, what did you expect? Did you just say, "Hey, mom and dad, I'm getting married, better get out your check book!" Did you have a plan in place to pay for a wedding if they didn't offer? Did you really never consider if you were in a financial position to get married? I mean, it's great your parents want to pay for it, but I would ALWAYS make life decisions counting on only myself, you know?

I know I'm lucky, but my parents have always offered to pay for the wedding. Always. And we did set a budget w/in a week of us getting engaged. We did not talk specifics, and since I'm under budget anyways, they will probably be more than happy to pay for it, they just wanted to know either way and I was trying to find a tactful way to figure out if FI mom and/or dad wanted to help. And I don't think it's any of your business if we're in a financial position to get married. I wanted some opinions and I got them - thanks

emilyinchile · December 2010

Casies, in fairness, when you yourself asked a question about paying for a wedding, you kind of made it our business whether or not you're in a financial position to get married. You asked how to go about hitting up your FILs for money, and the answer is that when you make the decision to get married, you should also consider your finances and how YOU will pay for what you want unless someone else offers. It's not like someone just pulled the topic out of the sky.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

can someone please give me the thread reference to this dog thread? i cant beleive someone would leave a dog outside to punish it.

to OP: i ahve no sympathy for people who think everyone else owes them a wedding wtih all of the bells and whistles. sorry.

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

M&R, if you would like to meet me at an undisclosed location, I will be happy to take the dog. You tell FI it ran away. Seriously. I hate the idea of you having access to an animal. This is a win-win-win. You win. The dog wins. The universe wins.

FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents

Re: FI not wanting to discuss budget w/ parents

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