Cannot Stand Her - Do I Have To Invite Her??

DMcG82 · January 2013

I am working on my guest list and something keeps vexing me. Fiance's friend has a girlfriend who neither of us can stand or get along with. Things are actually very icy between the 3 of us (me, fiance and the GF) to the point where we ignore each other when in social settings - even when standing next to one another.

She doesn't really get along with anyone in our social circle and I feel her presence would just make things tense. She and fiance's friend live together but have a very rocky relationship (they breakup/make-up frequently) and I know traditional etiquette says have I to invite her. At a mutal friends' wedding she got very drunk and was a total nuisance. Am I wrong in wanting to just leave her off the guest list? Maybe just inviting him with "Guest" written on the outside so she takes the hint??

Help

hoffse · January 2013

You must invite her. Recognize that this isn't a normal social situation. You probably won't even see her, and if you do it will be for about 2 minutes. If you can suck it up long enough to meet her in a normal social situation (even if you do ignore her) you can suck it up for the 2 minutes at your wedding.

bunni727 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cannot-stand-her-do-i-have-to-invite-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efd0188-8809-46bb-92cb-150bbf15cb82Post:199889dc-f938-44d9-bd0e-c9e44a22b028">Cannot Stand Her - Do I Have To Invite Her??</a>:
[QUOTE]I am working on my guest list and something keeps vexing me. Fiance's friend has a girlfriend who neither of us can stand or get along with. Things are actually very icy between the 3 of us (me, fiance and the GF) to the point where we ignore each other when in social settings - even when standing next to one another. She doesn't really get along with anyone in our social circle and I feel her presence would just make things tense. She and fiance's friend live together but have a very rocky relationship (they breakup/make-up frequently) and I know traditional etiquette says have I to invite her. At a mutal friends' wedding she got very drunk and was a total nuisance. Am I wrong in wanting to just leave her off the guest list? Maybe just inviting him with "Guest" written on the outside so she takes the hint?? Help :(
Posted by DMcG82[/QUOTE]

If you invite his friend, she also has to be invited, and by name. Putting "and Guest" would be blatantly rude.

The only way to get around it is to not invite either of them.

Simply Fated · January 2013

Am I wrong in wanting to just leave her off the guest list?
No you aren't wrong for wanting to leave her off the guest list, because she sounds awful. But don't leave her off the guest list, because that would be wrong.

You don't have to invite her in the sense that no one is holding a gun to your head, but you should in the sense that it's proper Etiquette. Also, if you don't invite her, your fiance's friend is going to be pissed.

Point her out to your bartender and let him or her know that this chick is a nasty mess when she's drunk. The bartender should cut her off early. If she gets loud or rowdy, have someone escort her off.

Hopefully they break up before your wedding lol.

JaxInBlue · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cannot-stand-her-do-i-have-to-invite-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efd0188-8809-46bb-92cb-150bbf15cb82Post:43cb7f21-3020-41f1-afe5-a0a3addc5f0e">Re: Cannot Stand Her - Do I Have To Invite Her??</a>:
[QUOTE]You must invite her. Recognize that this isn't a normal social situation. You probably won't even see her, and if you do it will be for about 2 minutes. If you can suck it up long enough to meet her in a normal social situation (even if you do ignore her) you can suck it up for the 2 minutes at your wedding.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

Agree with this. If she is the girlfriend when your invites go out, she must be invited by name. Think of it this way, inviting her creates one less point of tension. You extend the invite, treat her as hospitably as any other guest, and do not add any more reasons for her act negatively toward you. It probably won't dramatically change your relationship, but inviting won't cause any more issues.

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

No matter your personal feelings toward her, you need to invite her if she is his girlfriend. Couples should be invited together. I always say to kill with kindness. Be the model hostess and the picture of politeness and if she acts out, she looks horribly, not you.

ETA: And you do need to invite her by name, not "and guest."

lyndausvi · January 2013

No, you are not wrong for not wanting her there.

However, giving him an 'and guest' solves nothing other than possibility of you looking petty.

Fact is she might not even get "and guest" is poor etiquette or she might not even care. Heck, she might not even see the envelope. Or the friend will get it and get offended.

If they are still going out at the time he will take her as the "and guest" so she will be there anyway.

So what's the point?

Jen4948 · January 2013

If they're living together when you send him his invitation, unfortunately you'll also have to invite her as his SO.

But if they break up, you can invite him alone.

libby2483 · January 2013

Yes, she needs to be invited, and be invited by name.

LizM61409 · January 2013

I think to be safe I wouldn't put her name on the STD. (I know a lot of folks here would say that if she's on the STD she gets her own invite even if they break up). But unfortunately if they're still in a relationship when the invites go out it's the right thing to do.

I'm in a little bit of a similar situation- have a good friend who's dating a guy who I knew in high school and was not friends with (nothing too awful, he's just kinda odd and I can't say I had any desire to see him again after high school). On top of that, they're constantly breaking up and getting back together, so it's unlikely they'll end up together for the long haul. The thought of this guy being at my wedding is really weird to me. So fingers crossed they break up for good before the invites go out!

RamonaFlowers · January 2013

When I got married, our entire circle of friends (Including DH and I) positively loathed the Best Man's FI (Who, thank the sweet baby Jesus, he has been long since broken up with) and the feeling was pretty mutual (2 days before the wedding, she actually went out of her way to try ensuring that the Best Man wouldn't even be able to show up to the wedding). But since they were a social unit, we had to let him bring her. I didn't want her there, DH didn't want her there, and actually aside from the Best Man, most of our friends didn't want her there ... but we knew inviting them as a couple was the right thing to do.

Aside from when we did table visits, we seriously did not see her at all during the reception. And from the stories that have come back to me, she was most definitely there (Again, nobody in our social circle liked her very much). Trust me, on the day of your wedding, the presence of a single individual will not matter. I was so busy trying to get in every dance and mingle with everybody that I barely remember even spending time with the people that I wanted to spend time with. I know the few minutes that DH and I spent interacting with her happened, just because we know we spoke with everyone at some point ... but we seriously don't remember it.

I can hold a grudge like no man's business, and I've been married for 3 years, and I can honestly tell you that this girl, who I cannot say a single nice thing about, did not ruin our wedding.

Look, if you invite this chick and she actually manages to ruin your wedding (which, really, if you've got the right perspective, she probably can't do), you get to say "I told you so". If you invite her and she doesn't ruin your wedding (The more likely scenario), then you did the right thing and nobody has to suffer. If you don't invite her at all, then you force your friend to chose you or her ... and if he chooses her, you may never get him back, even if they break up later on. If his friendship means anything to you/your FI, do the polite thing and invite this girl. After that, it's on him to decide to bring her, and then on her to be on her best behavior, and if she can't do that, then she looks like an ass (Remember how I said there were stories that got back to me?). If she behaves poorly, it will not in any way, shape or form reflect badly on you and your FI, so you really have nothing to lose here.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

I don't even have to read this.

Yes.

ETA: Went back to read it. Still yes.

honeyjade22 · January 2013

If you invite him, you have to invite her. If things are that bad between her and everyone else, she might not even go.

Loopyseven · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cannot-stand-her-do-i-have-to-invite-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efd0188-8809-46bb-92cb-150bbf15cb82Post:199889dc-f938-44d9-bd0e-c9e44a22b028">Cannot Stand Her - Do I Have To Invite Her??</a>:
[QUOTE]I am working on my guest list and something keeps vexing me. Fiance's friend has a girlfriend who neither of us can stand or get along with. Things are actually very icy between the 3 of us (me, fiance and the GF) to the point where we ignore each other when in social settings - even when standing next to one another. She doesn't really get along with anyone in our social circle and I feel her presence would just make things tense. She and fiance's friend live together but have a very rocky relationship (they breakup/make-up frequently) and I know traditional etiquette says have I to invite her. At a mutal friends' wedding she got very drunk and was a total nuisance. Am I wrong in wanting to just leave her off the guest list? Maybe just inviting him with "Guest" written on the outside so she takes the hint?? Help :(
Posted by DMcG82[/QUOTE]

<div>If they are still together when invitations go out, you have to invite her. If they are as rocky as you say they are, it may be a moot point by the time you're sending out invitations in... August. (6-8 weeks before your October wedding).</div>

Kristin789 · January 2013

Your wedding is October 19, so your invitations will go out about in August.

This is JANUARY.

Let this whole thing sit until July 31. Maybe she will be out of the picture by then.

TurQ1968 · January 2013

In Response to Cannot Stand Her - Do I Have To Invite Her??:
Unfortunately since she's part of a package deal- if you want him there, you have to accept her if she is his guest no matter how you word it. But I'd ask him out of respect for your wedding and other guests that if she gets out of line that he take her home or you will have the bartenders cut her off. He can enable her behavior but you don't have to.
Despite "etiquette" I did not invite my one sister to my wedding because she has been outright disrespectful to me for years, and to my fiance since we've been together. We have a very limited guestlist due to our location/wedding package deal, and only want people there who want to be there and are supportive of us. We have had to exclude some friends we would like to have there, so definitely aren't making room for someone we don't. Well, that was the plan anyway. My fiance got badgered into inviting his brother, who he doesn't see- any contact they have goes bad within minutes whether by phone, text, email. The brother lives across country, so he never figured he'd come. Of course family has badgered brother into coming- and now we find out brother is thinking about taking his kids out of school and bringing them- who were also not on the guest list. Did I mention he doesn't have custody of his kids and only sees them 1 weekend a month if that, even though they're in the same town. Can we ignore them- probably. Would we have rather just left him off entirely- ABSOLUTELY! Will he ruin our day- no, but I don't see the benefit of families guilting people into inviting someone they don't want, and into attending an event they don't want, then wondering why both are bitter.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cannot-stand-her-do-i-have-to-invite-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2efd0188-8809-46bb-92cb-150bbf15cb82Post:9265ca60-2c63-46ae-a553-ff5309c2525d">Re: Cannot Stand Her - Do I Have To Invite Her??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding is October 19, so your invitations will go out about in August. This is JANUARY. Let this whole thing sit until July 31. Maybe she will be out of the picture by then.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

This. Why are you stressing about this now? Just don't worry about it until it comes time to address the invitations. Hopefully, for your sake, they aren't together anymore. Then there won't be anything to worry about.

But if they are still together by the end of July, yes you have to include her.

SJM7538 · January 2013

FI best men has a girlfriend that is totally looney tunes and Best Mans ex girlfriends is one of my best friends and a bridesmaid. Looney tunes hates the fact that they still see eachother bc we are all in the same social circle. She has made a stink about it multiple times. Am I worried she may not behave at the wedding? Yes, But she will look stupid. Not me. It's not worth best man getting upset and being mad bc we didn't invite looney tunes. So yes invite her, otherwise you chance your best man not coming or being offended. Off topic but I'm gettin married October 19th as well.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

If it were me I would be polite and invite her out of respect for my fiance's friend. I have a similar issue, I don't get along with my fiance's little sister. We basically hate eachother but for the sake of family and being the bigger person and loving my fiance and his family I am going to smile and invite her! It makes us look better I think.

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