Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sticky Family Situation

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Re: Sticky Family Situation

  • edited June 2010
    well said, tencups.

    ETA: i posted this before seeing your edit. :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:a1de6036-b0ea-4bb6-b086-3bfb803205f9">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really can't believe how awful everyone is being. This is supposed to be a forum where people can go for support when facing tough situations. No wedding is planned with completely smooth sailing but telling someone th<strong>ey are selfish and berating them based off a few paragraphs,, is just ridiculous. if you don't agree- then don't be a part of this thread. </strong>everyone feels differently about situations and it is unfair to impose your own morality onto someone else. you want to give impartial advice not saddled with insults- be my guest. this process is stressful enough without the terrible give and take.
    Posted by skatzew[/QUOTE]
    So pretty much no one should respond to the thread?  You're ridiculous

    OP--If I were in your situation, I would have a small private wedding with immediate family.    Then go out for a nice dinner.  Its inexpensive and you're celebrating with the people closest to you.  I think the end result would be you and your fi having a wonderful memory with the people who care about you most.
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  • I know that it is difficult when people offer money then put a lot of conditions on, or demand, how it is to be used. I understand that you want your wedding to be a certain way and that your FILs are not adhering to your vision. Unfortunately, when someone is paying for something, they have the right to express how the money be used. I wish that they were more willing to compromise with you on a few things that you would really like (i.e. Saturday wedding), however, it is their right to spend their money how they see fit.

    I think that your FI's family is going through an incredibly difficult time right now. If I was told my father had 4 years to live, I would be absolutely devastated. Their family is in crisis mode, and they likely are putting a lot of thought and effort into this wedding because it is something they have the power to control. They are funding it, therefore they can control it. They can "fix it" to be however they would like it to be. Sometimes when people are in the middle of an awful situation, they want to do things in specific ways. Not to mention, his treatment is probably very costly and they are probably thinking that putting their money into a one-day event is wasteful and they want to make sure they are doing it in the most cost-effective way possible. 

    They are probably so happy that you are willing to get married while FIL is still around to be there. I think that you should be gracious if you are going to accept their money, and maybe voice your concerns in a mature way. It seems that they are willing to compromise if you put forth some of your own money to fund the "extra" cost of doing it your way. I think that this is more than fair. I hope that your FI is doing ok with the knowledge that his father might not be around for other big events in his life. I think that he really would appreciate the woman he is going to marry to be sympathetic to the fact that he would really like his father at his wedding. I know if I were in your FI's position, I would be siding with my family too. I would want to do anything in my power to have my wedding so that my father could attend. 
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  • I agree with Daffodil Jill and Ten. Is it also possible that the family wants a chance to celebrate with their friends and family before FFIL passes? Maybe they have an anniversary that they can celebrate, allowing them the party that they want while allowing you to postpone the wedding until you can afford it.

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  • bel138bel138 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I also think some people are being a little harsh. I know what it's like to try to make large life decisions while a parent is dying. It's a no win situation. It doesn't sound like she's stomping her feet and screming "It's MY day!" in front of her FILs, just venting and asking advice here, anonymously, on a wedding forum.

    I agree with others who said the first thing you need to do is sit down alone with your FI and figure out what the two of you want. You need to be on the same page. I also agree that while "he who pays, says," it was really crappy of them to pull a bait and switch, changing things without even telling you firsthand, let alone asking. I get that he is sick, and may or may not have a lot of time left. But if they keep living and treating him like he's dying everyday, they're going to regret wasting the good times he's still able to have now. It's not good for sick patient's psyche to be treated like they're fragile and could just drop over at any time.
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  • What a tough situation. I'm not trying to be snarky, but do you realize how quickly medical bills add up? They could be hundreds of thousands of dollar into it for all you know.
    Honestly, I don't think you should be expecting either family to contribute. Do something that you and your FI can afford on your own. Then, you won't have any strings attached. Maybe a Friday evening wedding? Even if you have always dreamed of a specific wedding, the marriage is what is the most important. If I was your fiance', I would be terribly hurt that my future wife and my dying father are having this kind of conflict.
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  • bel138bel138 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Also, everyone is all OMG HE'S DYING! CUT FI AND HIS FAMILY A BREAK!!

    He's been given a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer. His life estimate is 4 years. He is NOT currently dying. This would be a MUCH different situation if, in fact, he was. By definition, this man is not "dying" any more than any of us are. Yes, it's a difficult time for his family to receive this diagnosis, and he may have morbidities associated with the illness, but he is not dying right now.
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  • That also likely means 4 years of treatment Bel.
    My brother had cancer over 15 years ago, and even then his medical bills were into the tens of thousands. I can only imagine that the cost of treatment has gone up since then.

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  • bel138bel138 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I understand the cost aspect. Really. My mom's chemo was $10,000 per week.

    I'm just saying if FFIL was ACTIVELY DYING I could see everyone's complete outrage. But the argument that they need to move it up RIGHT NOW and she needs to stop being a selfish brat because OMG HE'S DYING is a little harsh. Also, if FILs can't afford it because of medical bills, they should have said that and not offered and then pulled a bait and switch.
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  • Honestly, none of you in this thread understand anything about my situation, because you are not me. My FI and I have been together for three years, and when this diagnoisis happened, I was already part of the family. I turned down a job in another state so we could be close to his family, and decided against going to graduate school so I could spend more time with them. I never wanted to get married when I was 21, and I wanted a long engagement, but I sacrificed both of those ideas because I want my FIL to be there. I have made plenty of sacrifices already. My FI also wants his father to be there for the birth of our children. Maybe I should start get pregnant now so he can. I just don't know where to draw the line.

    Its my fiances idea to rush the wedding, not his parents. They told us to elope! So, for all of you who want me to rush off to the courthouse today with our parents and a witness in  tow, then you honestly dont know whats best in our situation. True, my FIL may not be around for much longer, but he may also die in a car accident tomorrow. When you learn news like this, you want to squeeze as much of your life into the time frame as possible, and you try to. But when you do that, your grieving a life not yet lost, and trust me when I say I know this. His parents support us waiting.

    I also have no plans for a big frilly wedding as you all are accusing me of. I simply want the people who mean the most to my fiance and I there to share the day- not replacing them with expensive gift givers we dont know. And I am very close with my entire family- not just my parents. They all live within a 10 mile radius and would not understand not being invited to share with someone they care so much about.  

  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:d95d7aac-8688-4889-9d4c-21d1248a6708">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, everyone is all OMG HE'S DYING! CUT FI AND HIS FAMILY A BREAK!! He's been given a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer. His life estimate is 4 years. He is NOT currently dying. This would be a MUCH different situation if, in fact, he was. By definition, this man is not "dying" any more than any of us are. Yes, it's a difficult time for his family to receive this diagnosis, and he may have morbidities associated with the illness, but he is not dying right now.
    Posted by bel138[/QUOTE]
    First, it's a brand new diagnosis and FI & his family DO need to be cut a huge break.  They just found out!  I imagine they're freaking out, as I would be, and you know what?  They're entitled to.<div>
    </div><div>And yes, he is dying, more than you or I unless you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  I haven't.  Which means I've got no expiration date.  I figure I've got another 40+ years.  He's got FOUR.  And like PP said, a diagnosis is not a definite.  A 4-year diagnosis can mean death in 6 months.</div><div>
    </div><div>If this was MY father, I'd want to be getting married this weekend.</div>
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • All we can understand is what you tell us. So, yes people will respond based on what you type.
    If having the people most important to you there is what you want, then you have a lot of options.
    You could do a weeknight wedding with a ceremony and then dinner at a restaruant. If you want to invite more people, you could do a cake a punch reception. You could DIY things like centerpieces.
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  • bel138bel138 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    LD- I'll just say look up the definitions of dying and terminal illness. I'm not going to spend my whole day arguing the finer points of these definitions. However, both we and this man are nearing death, simply due to the passage of time. That does not mean any of us are currently dying. Also, OP came back and said this is not a new diagnosis, so no one is in panic mode here.
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  • kresto- I recommend you set a budget, a much smaller budget than you originally anticipated. Decide what is most important to you.
    If you want a lot of people there, then choose a time that you won't have to serve a full meal. You could do cake and punch, or just appetizers, or even a late night dessert reception.

    If there is any way that you and your FI can save and pay for the wedding yourself, I think you should. Then you can make the decisions with no strings attached.

    I would also check out the budget wedding board and the DIY board for ideas on how to save money.
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  • It sounds like the main theme here is: communicate with your FI!  You and he are not on the same page, clearly.  Figure out what you really want between just the two of you, then sit down with FIL's and make a plan based on that. 

    Talk to them, not us.  You don't need to justify anything here.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:8ef6fb3d-c0f3-4ec3-a684-752d6f0a1878">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, none of you in this thread understand anything about my situation, because you are not me. My FI and I have been together for three years, and when this diagnoisis happened, I was already part of the family. I turned down a job in another state so we could be close to his family, and decided against going to graduate school so I could spend more time with them. I never wanted to get married when I was 21, and I wanted a long engagement, but I sacrificed both of those ideas because I want my FIL to be there. I have made plenty of sacrifices already. My FI also wants his father to be there for the birth of our children. Maybe I should start get pregnant now so he can. I just don't know where to draw the line. Its my fiances idea to rush the wedding, not his parents. They told us to elope! So, for all of you who want me to rush off to the courthouse today with our parents and a witness in  tow, then you honestly dont know whats best in our situation. True, my FIL may not be around for much longer, but he may also die in a car accident tomorrow. When you learn news like this, you want to squeeze as much of your life into the time frame as possible, and you try to. But when you do that, your grieving a life not yet lost, and trust me when I say I know this. His parents support us waiting. I also have no plans for a big frilly wedding as you all are accusing me of. I simply want the people who mean the most to my fiance and I there to share the day- not replacing them with expensive gift givers we dont know. And I am very close with my entire family- not just my parents. They all live within a 10 mile radius and would not understand not being invited to share with someone they care so much about.  
    Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
    No one's suggesting that you run to the courthouse this afternoon.  You came on here asking for suggestions and people are offering ideas.  Rather than being so defensive and close-minded to different ideas, you need to at least consider all of your options. 
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • And FWIW, I agree that them changing plans without consulting you was low and inconsiderate.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:d1ff4bca-ef88-4d39-95cd-6db55ab99d68">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]LD- I'll just say look up the definitions of dying and terminal illness. I'm not going to spend my whole day arguing the finer points of these definitions. However, both we and this man are nearing death, simply due to the passage of time. That does not mean any of us are currently dying. Also, OP came back and said this is not a new diagnosis, so no one is in panic mode here.
    Posted by bel138[/QUOTE]
    "New" is relative.  She said it was six months ago.  Is there some time limit I don't know about on how long people are allowed to be upset about this?<div>
    </div><div>And yeah, we're all nearing death, but I haven't got cancer, so all else being equal it's coming a hell of a lot faster for OP's FI's father than for me.</div>
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:c4ba84d5-9176-4a93-969f-45d7bbbe8fb7">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like the main theme here is: communicate with your FI!  You and he are not on the same page, clearly.  Figure out what you really want between just the two of you, then sit down with FIL's and make a plan based on that.  Talk to them, not us.  You don't need to justify anything here.
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]
    This
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:5ef57e18-92de-481b-b2de-9e798ebcb18f">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't believe either of you have the <strong><font color="#000080">gaul </font></strong>to comment in the way you did, after seeing all the ways I tried to take the burden off of them. I OFFERED TO PAY FOR THE WEDDING, but my fiance doesnt want to wait until I can afford it. Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]

    What does France have to do with anything? I will have to side with your FI on this one. He doesn't want to wait out of fear that his father won't be there. Can you really blame him? Yes, they are being a bit heavy-handed, but your options are live with it or turn down their generous-but-many-strings-attached offer. You and your FI get to decide, princess.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:8ef6fb3d-c0f3-4ec3-a684-752d6f0a1878">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, none of you in this thread understand anything about my situation, because you are not me.  
    Posted by kresto1[/QUOTE]
    no, i am not you. but i do have an inkling of what your situation is like.
  • I think that you need to make the best of a bad situation.  If your FIL has been given 4 years... that may not mean he'll be himself for all 4 years.  I'd go with an early weddig and accept their generosity.  I would have been hurt too that they were making decisions and changing plans without me... and I would politely tell them that - that you'd like to be involved and would really enjoy planning this special day together. 

    It sounds like you are still having a fancy wedding at $87 a person. 

    There are lots of ways to save money and stil have a fabulous wedding... and it sounds like your in-laws are on the right track.  Having the wedding on a Friday or Sunday can really cut down on costs.  I got a beautiful ball gown from David's Bridal (on sale too!) which saved a bundle over other designers.  We are also going to skip the champange toast, guests are eating chicken not beef, only half the tables will have a floral cenerpiece, invitations came from 123print.com, and my mother and I will be making all corsages/buoquettes ourselves.  I still think that I am going to have a beautiful, fabulous, and memorable day. 

    And really... weddings aren't about what you wear, what you ate, and how expensive the flowers were.  They are about celebrating the beginning of a long, happy marriage and the joining of two families.  Don't lose sight of that. 
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  • What you want:  a big wedding that you've dreamed about since you were 3, with all the people that you love there.

    What your FI wants:  his dying father to be there to see him get married.

    Neither of you get to unilaterally decide who's "wants" are more important.  If you're going to make a marriage work, you need to learn to compromise.  And yes, you may have "given up" a lot of your "dream" wedding already, but at the end of the day, remember:  it's a party.  You may have to give up more to make it work.

    And I would cut your ILs some slack.  They are funding your shindig, and are trying to do their best to give you the wedding that YOU want according to their modified budget.    
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2010
    OPing you need to do the following:

    1. Sit down with your FI and discuss the wedding. If FI wants it sooner because he wants to make sure his dad is there you both with have to compromise on a budget, date, guests, etc.

    2. Go to both your FI and your parents, tell them your idea. If they are on board, then good, if they want some adjustments you have to go with the flow if they are giving you money.

    Your FI's parents shouldn't be doing anything behind your back regardless if they are paying. Your FI needs to COMPROMISE with you. I see siding with his parents a pretty big slap in the face. You have to consider that the "dream" wedding you wanted since you were little isn't going to be just like you imagined. But a close person like your FI's dad life is important and if that means you have to have a Sunday wedding instead of Saturday, then so be it. There are many things you can do to keep a wedding at a certain budget and its called compromising, you do a lot of it when you are married. 
  • You want just the people who mean  the most to you there? Then cut down the list more. 160 is still a lot people. Cut it down to 50 and figure a way to pay it yourself.
  • I hate to say this but I have to agree with the why are you whinning responses.  Here I am less than a year from my wedding and my future in laws are being great about things.  The wedding is being held in Arkansas and we (me and my future hubby) and all of his parents live here in Ohio but I want the wedding back home.  My only living grandparent is not in the best of health and may not even be there or in her right mind come the time frame.  I won't get to have 4 of the most important people in my life there because they are no longer with us.  My father may be working the day before my wedding and could be getting phone calls the day of for job related things if an emergancy comes up.  If one of my parents were sick and with an illness that could take them tomorrow or one of his were sick I would be doing a rush job on the wedding cutting corners costs and half the things I dreamed of if it meant I could gaurntee they could be there on our day.  So grow up a bit think about the fact that your soon to be husband wants his father there and be a bit more feeling about them and not just your dreams.  Dreams don't always come true, Faith Trust and Pixie Dust doesn't always work, real life is hell.  Wake up honey and look around.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-family-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:04b76104-5fe6-4a7b-9af3-5a03e0aa8cdfPost:03259f3c-f680-4732-aa7d-b67f49523791">Re: Sticky Family Situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yep, you need to pay for it yourselves.  Your  future ILs have strings attached to their generosity so if you don't want the strings, don't accept the cash.   I understand that your FI is worried that his father may not be around in order to put the wedding off for a chance for you all to save up money, so you might have to make some major compromises on the kind of wedding you've always wanted so that your future FIL can be there. And I agree with the others.  This post did not paint you in a very good light.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree. I understand that you're upset that you aren't having the wedding of your dreams, but that's life. Not everything can happen the way you want it to, and you just have to deal with it. You just have to decide if letting them pay for your wedding is worth the control they have over it. Regardless of who's paying for it in the end, I think having your FIL there is more important than anything else. I think you would regret him not being able to be there because you wanted to wait until you were able to have the wedding you've always dreamed of. If you really aren't going to be content until you have your dream wedding, why not have a more simple wedding now so your FIL can attend, and maybe have the one you've always dreamed of as a vow renewal later on when you can afford it?
  • I agree with Amora, if you don't like it their way, pay for it yourself and do it your way
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  • While I do agree that you may be acting a little entitled, I do understand your frustration and the part that stood out for me was his family putting in "gift givers" while significantly cutting your loved ones from the guest list. Yes your fi understandably wants his father there, but will it be at the sacrifice of all of your loved ones? Will you feel the need to have a vow renewal in 5 years for the ones who didn't make your in-laws final cut? Also the whole "give us all your monetary gifts" is bs. If I went to my hypothetical sister's wedding and gave her a $500 check, and then found out her mil took it I would be beyond livid.

    I don't even know where to go with this, but you need to have a very long talk with your Fi about the entire situation. If nothing else contribute the cost of dinner which will give you some control over the guest list.
  • I was beginning to feel that perhaps I was being completely selfish and paranoid about my Future In-Laws trying to control the wedding. That was, until last night, when they announced to my Fiance and I that there would be not even a hint of christianity at our wedding (they are jewish and I am a protestant) and if we chose to have the interfaith wedding ceremony that we had planned,(a mixture of jewish and christian traditions, defined in a program, that was indicative of the beautiful way we plan to mix our cultures together in life)  then they would not only pull all funding, but would refuse to attend our wedding. They then told us if we were going to get married with their blessing I would have to sign a contract stating that our children would be brought up jewish. We told them if that was how they felt then we would not be taking any financial assistance from them, and that we didnt want them and their negativity there. How much more can we really endure? How much of his father's sickness excuses their rude behavior?
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