Bridesmaid's Date Situation

SeptemberFall2011 · December 2010

cherbein- I am right with you on what she may be doing. Those are the things I am wondering myself. Have you talked with her in an open nonjudgemental way? See where she is?

And I totally agree-I too thnk I should thank my exes (and a few of them I already have!)

I say stand where you are but be flexible enough to catch her when she falls...the last thing she will need is for you to say "Well...I did tell you so."

sister2groom · December 2010

I think you have already handled the situation appropriately. Besides the fact that you shouldn't invite a married man without his wife (unless they're getting divorced or separated), I think she already knows that what she's doing is not OK. Although I agree that telling her "I told you so" later is definitely not OK either. But just because you have moral qualms about her behavior doesn't mean you are being judgmental.

if she brings it up again, you could gently reaffirm your discomfort and mention that those in your family and her friends who will be there are also not comfortable and would probably make her and her date very uncomfortable as well.

banana468 · December 2010

Has she ever seen When Harry Met Sally? If they've been together this long and he hasn't left the wife, he's NEVER GOING TO.

2012JulyBride · December 2010

Having been married but separated for years (couldn't afford the divorce and he finally caved in), I don't think there is anything wrong with him being married and her dating him If, And ONLYIf, the married couple is separated, as in not living in the same home. If they are still living together out of "convenience," chances are he's not going to be leaving wife.

With that said, if they're not living together, and just haven't gone through a divorce, I would extend the invitation to him even though you don't agree. If husband/wife still live together, I would say no (and tell your friend to run far away but that can be saved until a later date)!

I had a friend who was separated but not divorced BUT he still lived with his wife and kid. They were in mutual agreement about them not being together, though not enough money for a divorce, but it was a really sticky situation when he got a girlfriend. I saw a whole different side of wife when girlfriend was around. So since they live together, save yourself some possible drama and keep your foot down with the big N-O!

ILoveSnelly · December 2010

I think that of all the BM related drama you see, the fact that the two of you were able to talk it out, and not put your friendship in jeopardy is awesome. She hopefully asked, you said absolutely not, she respected your decision. Case closed.

I think it is SO wrong of her to want to bring him considering the fact that you are saying vows and this guy is breaking his. (regardless of how his wife feels if she even knowa) but i understand why she would want to, she will be all dressed up and there will be dancing, one typically wants their beau with them.

Don't stress about it any more. Maybe try to seat her with a good group she will enjoy so she doesn't feel tempted to sulk and not have any fun.

But i think bravo, the situation was handled well. Leave it be.

lindsaynewbride10 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-date-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69aeb5c8-b7bc-42ae-ad8c-a3c846df4bf7Post:30da5a4b-23a0-401e-8c8c-1e3e0cc20399">Re: Bridesmaid's Date Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I kind of feel like condoning adultery at your wedding is a little odd, so I understand your discomfort with inviting him. Personally, I would not invite him by name. Instead, I would invite her with an "and guest", and let what happens, happen. Refusing to use his name would be my "protest" against the relationship, while still not denying her a date. Depending on how your next conversation with her goes, I might express my concern with how other people will react to her guest being a married man, but I wouldn't tell her "no".
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

This. The Catholic woman in me wants to scream at the top of my lungs and your BM and her married date, as I see marriage as a sacrament not to be broken- but, I also believe in letting people make their own decisions, regardless of whether it's the right or wrong thing to do. I'd write "and guest" on the invite and if she chooses to bring him, then that's her choice.

cherbein · December 2010

lindsaynewbride:
I see marriage as a sacrament as well. I am getting married in my family's church and saying before God, my family and friends that this is the man I have choosen to stand-by through good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer etc... I am not entering into this lightly and take these vows very seriously, hence why I have moral qualms with my BM relationship and would be uncomfortable having her "boyfriend" there as I am making these vows.

In case any of the PP's are actually worried, despite my views on my bridesmaid's relationship, I have absolutely no intention of going for the "I told you so" when her illusion/rationalization falls apart. When she finally gets to that point, she'll be hurt and most likely feel very stupid. She'll need support to move on to a healthier relationship, not condemnation.

Thank you all for your comments and support!

cherbein · December 2010

Drama resumed...

So I thought things were settled and okay and while my friend wasn't thrilled that I didn't want her to bring her married boyfriend to my wedding she had respected my feelings, we agreed to disagree and all was okay.

I sent out an e-mail to get a head count for the rehearsal dinner because my FMIL didn't want to send out invitations. My friend replies that she's been trying to put her feelings aside, but she's hurt and emotional and thinks it would effect the wedding and she's not sure what to say or how to get past it.

Did my bridesmaid just quit and what on earth am I supposed to do now? I think I may be about to lose a bridesmaid and possibly a friend because when SHE ASKED ME if I was comfortable with her bringing her married boyfriend I responded honestly that I would not be comfortable and would prefer she did not. She already knew that would be my answer because she's known me forever.

She's put me in a horrible situation all along with my knowing that her boyfriend is married while her family and a lot of friends don't. I can't talk to anyone else in the bridal party about this without telling them something my friend wants me to keep secret and I don't know what to say to people if she quits and they ask why she's not there.

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