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Etiquette

Whose Wedding is it Anyway? Apparently NOT MINE.

My fiance and I have talked about having an adults only wedding (with the exception of the children in the wedding party-that have sitters on hand to watch after them after the ceremony).  So, I happened to mention the adults only idea to a few people and apparently everyone is throwing a fit that they cant bring their little bundle of joy.
I thought that out of respect for the couple you would spend a couple of bucks for a sitter and enjoy yourself at my wedding? Apparently not. We have one couple with 4 KIDS under the age of 7! It seems like Everyone wants to bring their kids! Dont get me wrong, I LOVE KIDS....but I think there are times when kids should stay at home, and I would like for my wedding to be one of those times.

I spoke with my fiance about it and he agreed. So, I had talked to my mom and she said a lot of our close family from out of town wont be able to come if we dont allow kids because they will have no other choice. It's going to piss off a lot of people. It was suggested that instead of putting "Adults Only" on the invite we put "Adults Only Preferred". When I mentioned this to my fiance he freaked. He said it would be rude to put anything like that on an invitation. He said his family is going to have a cow!

I feel very very frustrated and annoyed. Every decision I make has to be based on what is going to piss off this person or offend that person.....We are paying for this wedding ourselves....shouldnt we do what we want? Is this not OUR day? Or am I completely out of line?
Wish we would have ran off to Vegas, saved our money & my sanity.
My Bio - From beginning to end, see how I planned my wedding on my Bio Website! "There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour

Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway? Apparently NOT MINE.

  • Your FI is right that Adults Only and Adults Only Preferred doesn't belong on an invitation.

    Can you set up a playroom with sitters for the kids? 
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Stop telling people your plans if you don't want to hear the feedback.  That's step one.

    Step two:  Not inviting kids WILL cause some people to not attend your wedding, and you need to know that from the beginning and accept that.  There needs to be a clear cut line drawn about this though

    Step three:  Listen to your FI, he is wise.  You do not put anything about Adult Only reception on the invitation.  You address the invitation to the people you are inviting, and if they RSVP with more than that, you politely call and clarify who is invited to the wedding. 
  • You shouldn't put "Adults Only" on the invite. That's poor etiquette.

    Is there any way you could get a sitter for the other kids too?
    image
  • An adults only wedding is your choice, you just have to be prepared for some people to decline because of it.

    And don't put adults only on the invite, just put the names of those who are invited on the envelope.
  • I understand.  None of my family members had kids at their wedding, but now they all have children and expect them to get invited.  Well, you know what?  You did it your way and now I want to do it my way.  I have several family members who don't hire babysitters EVER, let alone leave their kids at home (the wedding is out of town) or use a trusted babysitter in my town.  So this is an issue.

    As my fiance keeps saying - this is not our problem.  We've offered to find people babysitters (SIL is a teacher and has trusted teacher friends) but they don't want it.  Here are some of the options my guests have come up with: Cousin is coming alone without spouse and kid.  Sister is bringing kids to the ceremony and then sending them to the hotel with brother in law.  Am I disappointed that they can't hire a sitter and won't be at the entire event?  Yes, but there's nothing I can do about it.

    Stick to your guns and do what you want - just be ok with the fact that fewer people will come.  That's their choice.
  • Squirrly, we talked about setting up an area for the sitters, but I feel like if we tell everyone about it then the ones that planned to leave their kids at home will bring them for the free babysitter. Which I guess could just be the price we pay. Besides that, do you really think the kids will stay with the sitters, I'm doubting it.

    And it's not that I dont want their feedback, I just wish they would understand that it's supposed to be my wedding, not a free for all. Apparently I have no idea what I'm doing.

    My Bio - From beginning to end, see how I planned my wedding on my Bio Website! "There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour
  • Since you are already hiring a sitter for the children in the wedding, apply this to your OOT guests who need to bring their children.
  • I am pretty sympathetic to this issue OP because I also can not understand how people are SO ridiculous about their kids BUT stamping your feet is not going to solve things.
  • If you set it up correctly, the kids that are supposed to stay in the kids area will do so.  Make sure you have enough sitters to keep them all under control.  And, if you want to be sure their parents don't bring them in, get a security guard.

    Personally, we just invited all the kids, and very few are attending.  If you want people to attend and can afford the playroom, I'd do that. 
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    5000 Comments
    edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-anyway-apparently-not-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d049f1f-c77b-45f2-b845-406b77950d8bPost:e42b9bf2-1fb0-4db6-8903-292956805bf0">Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway? Apparently NOT MINE.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Squirrly, we talked about setting up an area for the sitters, but I feel like if we tell everyone about it then the ones that planned to leave their kids at home will bring them for the free babysitter. Which I guess could just be the price we pay. Besides that, do you really think the kids will stay with the sitters, I'm doubting it. And it's not that I dont want their feedback<strong>, I just wish they would understand that it's supposed to be my wedding, not a free for all. </strong>Apparently I have no idea what I'm doing.
    Posted by amandabartlett[/QUOTE]

    I totally understand that you want it adults only, I'm not judging you - but what exactly do you think kids will do at your wedding that will mess up your day?  I'm just overall curious.  I always pictured my wedding with NO kids, but when the time came to plan it we invited plenty of kids.  To be honest they were probably my favorite addition to the reception.  We had a special kids table for them, that they all LOVED - but they also had wicked cool dance moves and really kept the entertainment going. 

    Like I said though, I'm not judging you - just curious for your reasoning.  Because if it's "OMG they might cry, or run all over the place" and that's the reason you're giving the people you've talked ot about it, then that's probably why they're so annoyed by your decision. 
  • I dont have anything against kids, dont get me wrong. I just would rather not have them running around my ceremony and reception. Nothing against kids or their parents, it's just how I feel. If it doesnt work out that way, then we will hire more sitters so the parents can drop their cute little bundles of joy off with them for an hour or two. I was just curious if anyone else had chosen to go the Adults only route and succeeded.

    My Bio - From beginning to end, see how I planned my wedding on my Bio Website! "There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour
  • We are having kids at our wedding, but I'm hiring an on-site babysitter to be there in a kids' room in case any of them get bored or tired. Could you maybe either hire a babysitter to be at a hotel room where the parents could bring their kids, or provide a list of babysitters who have good references to these families since, being out-of-town, they won't know who to call in the area?
  • We are having a child free wedding but it's always been a very firm point with us. As it is right now, it sounds like you've opened yourself up to a lot of people being able to say/get what they want, without it being what you want. 

    I think it comes down to what is important to you: Do you want a child free wedding and accept that some people may not go or be annoyed? Or, do you want to just invite everyone, potentially hire sitters for the kiddos, and keep everyone happy with it maybe not being what you want?

    I'm not trying to be critical, this is just how I've interpreted your posts and the questions that come to mind. I hope it helps! FWIW, we've had to accept that a guest or two will not be joining us, but it's something that we're ok with. We've also had several people express their excitement to have an evening out without their kids, and some that are respecting our wishes, even if they've wanted to bring their kids. It's now the parents' decisions, not ours :) We have also made a point to express to the people that won't be coming that we would love to have dinner out with them sometime, since they can't come- making sure they still know that we would love them there and want to hang out with them.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-anyway-apparently-not-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d049f1f-c77b-45f2-b845-406b77950d8bPost:22568b24-e816-4ff0-beef-928f4558ea58">Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway? Apparently NOT MINE.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stop telling people your plans if you don't want to hear the feedback.  That's step one. Step two:  Not inviting kids WILL cause some people to not attend your wedding, and you need to know that from the beginning and accept that.  There needs to be a clear cut line drawn about this though Step three:  Listen to your FI, he is wise.  You do not put anything about Adult Only reception on the invitation.  You address the invitation to the people you are inviting, and if they RSVP with more than that, you politely call and clarify who is invited to the wedding. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this.

  • Thanks for all of your imput. You've all made very valid points. I appreciate the feedback!

    My Bio - From beginning to end, see how I planned my wedding on my Bio Website! "There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour
  • We are having a kids free reception as well. The only children there will be the ones who are in the wedding. My main reason for this is the fact that we don't want to pay $40 for a child to eat!! Our wedding is @ 11am, and if the parents can't find a sitter at that time or their child has something that they are involved in,we are hoping that maybe one parent will show, and if not, oh well.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
  • Will your OOT guests be staying at a hotel? Some hotels offer childcare. Do you know of any reputable babysitters? You might have to help set up arrangmenets.

    I totally understand the adults only wedding--but, definitely DONT put it on your invitation. Some people might only be able to come IF they can bring their kids.

    We have a similiar situation (though our wedding is still far off)... My FI's mom is insisting that we invite his cousins that he's never even met. On top of that, most of his cousins have young children. My FI & I would like to have a small wedding... 100 people, MAX. Turns out, his mom wants all of the extended family to come and the children that even his mom has never met. In fact, his mom is insisting that one of his cousins who had a daughter be my flower girl... Talk about frustrating!

    In any event... We want an adults only wedding too. Find out if the OOT guests will be staying at a hotel that offers childcare. If people are coming from far away, you can't really just expect them to leave their kids at home. I hate to say it, but I bet people will show up with kids REGARDLESS of what you guys want. I know it stinks. A friend of mine had a sister that got married last year... The kids all went to the ceremony but then a bunch of us babysat the kids that night during the reception. The kids had much more fun watching movies and playing games then they would have had at the wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-anyway-apparently-not-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d049f1f-c77b-45f2-b845-406b77950d8bPost:2f32bedb-6956-4e10-9775-3fcf3d6c56af">Whose Wedding is it Anyway? Apparently NOT MINE.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Dont get me wrong, I LOVE KIDS....but
    Posted by amandabartlett[/QUOTE]
    this phrase REALLY pisses me off.

    as for the rest, you're surrounded by entitled jackasses. the scourge of society.
  • I really do appreciate the feedback. I think I've decided to just invite the kids. Apparently I'm extremely rude to think otherwise. Which is fine. I suppose I'm making mountains out of mole hills. Maybe some of these people will surprise me and actually watch their children or find a sitter. It's just not worth the amount of stress that it is causing. We are going to have a few extra sitters for those that want to leave their kids in the Kid Only area. We talked about getting a little inflatable jumper thing and maybe a portable TV with a DVD player to try to keep them occupied. They will have their own building and be free to run and scream and play and have a wonderful time, so hopefully their parents will be able to hang out in the reception area and have a wonderful time also. Either way, I just want everyone to be happy including myself! Not worth the stress....bring on the bundles of joy! I just keep reminding myself that on the day of my wedding little things like this wont matter; whether there's a crazy kid there or not, I still get to marry my best friend. :D
    Again, thanks for all of your input. I really appreciate it.
    My Bio - From beginning to end, see how I planned my wedding on my Bio Website! "There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour
  • ^ I'm glad you found a happy medium. We decided to have an adult only reception and of course people were angry about it. We actually drew the line at first cousins becuase most of the children were second cousins. We wanted a smaller wedding any how. Drawing a line can clear the ground if you can do it in an "non-adult" only kind of way. Did that make sense?

  • It is your wedding! We are having a smaller wedding; but some guests do have kids. Do I love kids? Yes. Do I have my own? Nope. Do my siblings or FI's have any kids yet? Nope. Answer for us was simple. None of these kids were direct relatives and we did not think it was rude to invite adults only. For your invitations, address only the guests that you are inviting, not the "Smith family". Will some people not attend? Yes. Should you truly care? Nope. You and fi are paying for the wedding; so it is your decision. Also, there are differences:
    You can invite only kids of direct family members
    You can invite OOT guests with kids because they are OOT
    You can hire a babysitter in a separate area away from the reception.
    Are kids adorable? Yes. Can they run around because they are bored, start crying because they are cranky and need sleep or smash your cake. You betcha! Since we've seen first hand the kids behavior at a few recent get togethers- we didn't feel bad saying no kids. the parents used us as babysitters and it wasn't so enjoyable. I would also respect that in the future if I was invited (and then had children) too. 
    If you want a few kids to be flower girl/ring bearer; then you can invite those specific children (well you'd have to invite their siblings too) and have them attend the ceremony and hire a babysitter for the reception. Personally, I think it will b nice that the adults get a few hours of relaxation time to enjoy themselves. All this being said, if one of our siblings had a child- that child would be coming. 
  • I didn't want any kids at our wedding, but I'm over it now. Good idea (above) with the kids table, I think I'll do that.
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