Here's an etiquette question

DramaGeek · December 2010

How do you correct someone when they've broken etiquette?

When my college roommate told me she was pregnant, I was very happy for her and offered to throw her a baby shower. The time has come for the shower and we've been talking about it. I've told her multiple times that I don't feel comfortable with more than 20 people in my house because I can't comfortably seat more than 20 in one room and I can't afford to rent a hall or anything.

I get the guest list today - 40 people. Now, 12 are out of town family that "have" to be invited to avoid hurt feelings and family drama and "definitely won't come." (I hope she's right on that). But even so, I'm looking for a pretty big decline rate in order for everyone to be comfortable. I'm trying to figure out how to tell her she needs to cut it down and I can't come up with a nice, non-confrontational way to do it.

Secondly, she informed me that two people coming will likely be bringing their kids. One of the people is my friend's SIL, bringing her 6 month old twins. I don't really care that much, but the other is a friend bringing "her little girl." Am I wrong for thinking it's rude to presume children are welcome? My house is not even close to baby proof; I was expecting to host 15-20 women, not 30 women plus a potential toddler.

So, E goddesses, how would you address this?

Damn that got long, sorry

CN: Friend wants to invite 40 to baby shower that I'm hosting and assures me at least 10 won't show because they are OOT by a couple thousand miles. I'm uncomfortable with more than 20 attendees due to space and cost. Also, she's telling me a couple people may be bringing kids to my non-kid friendly home. How do I approach this respectfully?

Simply Fated · December 2010

I would sit her down with the list and explain to her that you guys are cutting the list down to 20 people and that none of them may be children.
I understand where you are coming from because my house is not child proof, either and would put a stop to kids coming.

If someone else wants to throw her a baby shower with other people invited, they can. But it's rude of her to give you a list of 40 people, even if she is soooo sure they won't be coming. Becaue if they do, then you're the one screwed.

nroach78 · December 2010

I had a really similar situation with my sister's bridal shower last spring. It was a nightmare. She had way too many people on her list. I dont know if I approached the right way or not but her and I got together and I explained due to costs, space, etc., I really couldnt afford the type of bridal shower that she wanted. We were able to cut the list significantly and I got a lot of ugly phone calls from some of her friends; however, it was worth it and in the end everyone had fun. She had originally told all of her friends that she was having a couples shower so we were looking at close to 80 people and I said no way, no how. I took a lot of flack from women who intended to bring their boyfriends and husbands but again, it was worth it for my sanity.

DramaGeek · December 2010

Well crap. I sent her a message saying that I was concerned about space and that I didn't feel comfortable with more than 20 people as I didn't feel it would be fair to guests to cram them all in my house. She suggested an alternate venue near her house, 30 minutes from mine, although with traffic it could be closer to an hour. I said that if we were going with an alternate venue I'd prefer it be close to my house, since I'd be the one lugging all the food, decor, etc. to the venue. She said that since all the guests (with the exception of me) live on her side of town, an alternate venue close to my house would mean that people wouldn't make the drive. Now, why people would make the drive to come to my house by not the community center a couple blocks away, I have no idea, but whatever. So I said, "If everyone is on that side, maybe someone on that side of the river would prefer to host it? That makes it easier for the majority of guests." That was probably a little passive-aggressive, but I don't care. I'm trying to do something nice for her and she's not helping!

DramaGeek · December 2010

Nope, I'm the only host. She's talking free alternate venue, which is fine, but I don't want to have to schlep everything to the other side of town for a 10:30 am baby shower.

I'll see what her response is. If no one else wants to host, I guess I'll just do it at my house and hope a bunch of people decline. If they don't...well, I'll bring chairs home from school and people can sit in the hallway

Think if I send the invites really late we'll have a higher decline rate?

nroach78 · December 2010

The upside to 10:30 am, you'll be home by noon. I'd be irritated to have to drag everything all over town, too. It'd be awesome, if you could store some of it at her place. I honestly dont know how good of an idea that is or if even reasonable but that's my bad e advice. Share the irritation. ha.

I just noticed that you said she's inviting people that live thousands of miles away to this shower, gift grabby much? Seems she'd just call them up and tell them the good news and move on with life, rather than sending an invitation for them to send a gift.

I dont think you should be a bad host just because it's irritating. Send the invites out in a reasonable fashion because we are all posting on E and isn't what what girls on E do?

DramaGeek · December 2010

With a 10:30 shower, I doubt I'd be home by noon. That means everything would have to be cleaned up and packed up and me out the door by 11:30. More likely, we'd be looking at an hour to 90 minutes for the shower, then another hour or so cleaning up and packing up, so eally probably more like 1 or 1:30. I love my friend but sometimes I forget how particular she can be.

Yeah, I mentioned the "do we really need to send an invite to the far away relatives?" thing and she said yes, because it will cause major family drama if they don't get invited. Ok then. I agree that it looks gift grabby.

She's now saying she has a couple of friends who live in apartments and we could use the clubhouse there, and they'd probably be willing to help with decor but wouldn't want to deal with the other details. Uh, like food? Carting food for 30 across town does not make me happy, and if we're using a clubhouse there's no kitchen so I can't prepare it there. The only other option is catering, but if we're going to do that I might as well look into reserving a room at a restaurant - it'd be the same cost and I wouldn't have to worry about clean up. And actually, I think I'll look into that. If I can find someplace for $10 or less per person, it'd be around the same price as hosting it at my house but I wouldn't have to deal with the clean up. Hmmm.

Seriously, if she'd just knock 5-10 people off the guest list this would all be taken care of. Do not take advantage of my kindness!!

And I was joking about sending the invites late, promise!

Kristin789 · December 2010

Talk to her mother, and explain that the guest list needs to be 20 or less, and should be the girl's closest friends, plus her mother. Not 12 distant family members from 1000 miles away.

DramaGeek · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_heres-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbd1d873-ced9-488f-87f3-60a49384be11Post:a8042a4d-4d3f-4cd1-9ad7-4b980f105ffe">Re: Here's an etiquette question</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to her mother, and explain that the guest list needs to be 20 or less, and should be the girl's closest friends, plus her mother. Not 12 distant family members from 1000 miles away.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Her mom is less reasonable than her <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cry.gif" border="0" alt="Cry" title="Cry" />

nroach78 · December 2010

Waffle House should be able to get you in for under 10 a person and it'd have personality! haha.

DramaGeek · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_heres-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbd1d873-ced9-488f-87f3-60a49384be11Post:1e7650c1-1572-4f99-8da6-7bf4b507301d">Re: Here's an etiquette question</a>:
[QUOTE]Waffle House should be able to get you in for under 10 a person and it'd have personality! haha.
Posted by nroach78[/QUOTE]

hahaha!

Thanks for listening to me rant, I've got a list of places to call and I think I can reconfigure my living room to fit 30 in the worst possible scenario. Chances of 30 attending are slim, but I still have to be prepared for the possibility.

nroach78 · December 2010

Maybe you can email some of them? Save you a few phone calls.
Good luck!

SaraAndrew2010 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_heres-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbd1d873-ced9-488f-87f3-60a49384be11Post:a8042a4d-4d3f-4cd1-9ad7-4b980f105ffe">Re: Here's an etiquette question</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to her mother, and explain that the guest list needs to be 20 or less, and should be the girl's closest friends, plus her mother. Not 12 distant family members from 1000 miles away.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Kristin, why would the OP call her college roommate's mother? I'm assuming the pregnant friend is an adult. Her mother does not control her and I see no reason to involve the mom.

saisongbird · December 2010

I would offer to host a the shower for immediate family and friends only. And I'd tell her that. I would also let her know that if she can't cut down the guest list, then you can't afford to host the shower. And see what she says.

squirrly · December 2010

Kristen, there you go again with archaic advice that doesn't fit the situation.

Drama, is there a Costco or Sams or whatever on that side of town that could do most of the food for you and you'd just need to swing by to pick it up?

Aside from that. . . I'd work on the restaurant idea, especially someplace that normally does brunch. If they could set up a nice little brunch buffet for you, that should be pretty inexpensive, I would think. And at that time of morning, you likely wouldn't have to pay for the room. So - any cool brunch places around? You might check your local board if you're not sure.

Places to think about - if I were in Kentucky, I'd call the racetracks and see if I could get one of the rooms there. They're pretty and perfect for groups. University alumni club?

And, don't count out catering for a free venue - for basic brunch finger foods you might find somebody with really great deals.

Since you're talking about a close friend, I'd probably just see if one or two of her other friends wouldn't mind helping get ready that day (and bonus if they offer to chip in). But, I'd have probably had a similar convo to what you described.

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