Rehearsal Dinner Help

SummerGirl87 · May 2012

Hey ladies-

I've recently come into trouble with my rehearsal dinner. My soon to be in-laws said they would handle everything and are generous enough to pay for all of my out of town family to join (all my family is out of state, but all my fiances family live in state). Even though I am grateful for all their help, we have had many, many troubles with his parents stepping out of line and trying to control the wedding (which my fiance and I are paying for along with my parents) So keep that in mind...

I did not except all my out of town family to be able to make it to the wedding for various reasons. However, more are coming thanb expected which is awesome! However, this is posing a problem for the rehearsal dinner as everyone was invited since it's ettiquette to invite out of towners to this dinner. We have hit the max occupancy at the restaurant and I'm not even sure if that covers everyone that's coming.

I'm trying to figure out what to do should I not be able to let everyone attend the dinner and still be polite. Is it terrible if I were to set up reservations at a nearby restaurant for a few other people and pay for their meal in advance? I know they wouldnt be around us and I'd have to let them know in advance, but it's the only solution I have so far.

Any ideas?

melanieky · May 2012

I'm sorry your in-laws are controlling, just remember to stand your ground, as hard as that may be sometimes.

As for the rehearsal dinner, if you invited people, you must have room to accomodate them. If the restaurant you selected isn't big enough, then you should find a different restaurant to have the rehearsal dinner at. It would be really rude to have some people at a separate location.

baystateapple · May 2012

1) Money = strings. If you don't like his parents "controlling" where their money goes, you should decline it.

2) There is no nice way to put people you invited at another restaurant. Cancel your reservations, and find a larger restaurant that can accommodate all of your guests. If your FIL's can't afford to pay for all of them, open your wallet and pay the difference.

aragx6 · May 2012

You're under no obligation to invite out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner. It has become more popular to open the RD up to additional guests in recent years, but you definitely wouldn't be breaking etiquette by not doing so. And it's definitely not necessary to make other dinner plans for them. Although that is very nice of you, they probably just want to either spend time with you or be on their own.

Because it does sound as though you'd like to host these people, would it not be possible to change the restaurant?

egm900 · May 2012

I don't think you have to invite your OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. It's nice, but not required. If you've already invited them, then you do have to accommodate them at the event.

dumdumfroggie · May 2012

I agree with PPs, however, you aren't required to invite all OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. It's a nice thing to do, but if you can't afford it, you are not obligated to do so.

ETA: I didn't realize that you'd already invited everyone. You will need to find a new venue.

adamar15 · May 2012

You shouldn't have invited more people than the restaurant could fit. Time to find a new restaurant that can accommodate everyone.

Meegles4 · May 2012

Yes, if you've specfically invited these people, you need to make room/find a new venue.

As PPs said, you weren't under an obligation to invite OOT guests, and if you haven't already, you don't have to. We kept our RD to WP/parents only and had BBQ catered to my home for our OOT guests (of which there were maybe 20 or so.) My home was within walking distance to their hotel, as well as to where the RD was, so when it was over, we were able to go back to my home and spend time with family. In addition, it was a nice gesture to make sure they had a good meal and didn't have to fend for themselves in an unfamiliar city.

But, these people were never invited to my RD, so this was expected. If yours have been, then can't be uninvited now that more are RSVPing than planned.

chumlee7478 · May 2012

We ran into this issue very late in planning. Originally, H's family was invited to the rehearsal (lunch, not dinner) but declined the invite due to travel. We planned a rehearsal luncheon for WP members, their spouses/significant others, and readers. It was supposed to be 18 people total, which was fine for where we had planned it.

A week before the wedding, H's family changed their minds and decided to come to the rehearsal luncheon. Because they had been invited, we accomodated the change, and thankfully the venue had a private dining room open up. We had 48 people at the lunch when it was all said and done. If that room hadn't opened up, we had made a back up arranagement at a local restaurant with a private back room.

H and I paid for the rehearsal luncheon, so we had complete control over the location, menu, etc. If your venue can't hold everyone, you need to find a new venue. If your FILs aren't amenable to that, then you need to decline their invite to host and pay for it yourselves. You can't univite anyone, and everyone needs to stay together. It stinks, but there's no way around finding another venue if you're at capacity where you are now.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fac1a0c3-2ddb-4f94-91d4-968e6968106aPost:9b95b0c5-ea7f-4b7c-81f4-6c66824b41e5">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Help</a>:
[QUOTE]We ran into this issue very late in planning. Originally, H's family was invited to the rehearsal (lunch, not dinner) but declined the invite due to travel. We planned a rehearsal luncheon for WP members, their spouses/significant others, and readers. It was supposed to be 18 people total, which was fine for where we had planned it. A week before the wedding, H's family changed their minds and decided to come to the rehearsal luncheon. Because they had been invited, we accomodated the change, and thankfully the venue had a private dining room open up. We had 48 people at the lunch when it was all said and done. If that room hadn't opened up, we had made a back up arranagement at a local restaurant with a private back room. <strong>H and I paid for the rehearsal luncheon, so we had complete control over the location, menu, etc. If your venue can't hold everyone, you need to find a new venue. If your FILs aren't amenable to that, then you need to decline their invite to host and pay for it yourselves. You can't univite anyone, and everyone needs to stay together. It stinks, but there's no way around finding another venue if you're at capacity where you are now.
</strong>Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]

This.

Andrealsuarez · May 2012

I have the same exact issue, however like you just about all of my family lives out of state if I had invited them to the RD it would end up like another small wedding. So to keep our budget we are only hosting for the bridal party, parents and grandparents at the RD.

SummerGirl87 · May 2012

thanks everyone for the advice...hopefully I'll be able to get this sorted out!

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