Wedding Etiquette Forum

Money Issues

Hi ladies, I'm new to the message board community. I know my son's soon to be wife posts on a month board here. I figured it would be safe to say this here. My son got engaged last year, they set a wedding date and I wanted some of my very close friends at their wedding. They agreed to allow it. My son came to me tonight and my soon to be daughter in law is upset with me. He said that she is upset because I am no longer helping to pay for anything and that it was part of the agreement with inviting a couple of my close friends. I tried explaining to him that parent's are not obligated to pay for any part of the wedding and he shouldn't just expect that I would help. I am on a short budget and work 2 jobs just to pay my own bills. Is there any other way to explain to them that it's not my responsibility to pay?
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Re: Money Issues

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1a229f2e-c740-4e6f-93da-3d4578e8e76b">Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi ladies, I'm new to the message board community. I know my son's soon to be wife posts on a month board here. I figured it would be safe to say this here. My son got engaged last year, they set a wedding date and I wanted some of my very close friends at their wedding. They agreed to allow it. My son came to me tonight and my soon to be daughter in law is upset with me. He said that she is upset because I am no longer helping to pay for anything and that it was part of the agreement with inviting a couple of my close friends. I tried explaining to him that parent's are not obligated to pay for any part of the wedding and he shouldn't just expect that I would help. I am on a short budget and work 2 jobs just to pay my own bills. Is there any other way to explain to them that it's not my responsibility to pay?
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    Did you tell your son and his FI at any point that you were planning to contribute money (for your guests or otherwise)? Or was that just an assumption she (they) made?

    The answer to that will shape my response to the situation.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1a229f2e-c740-4e6f-93da-3d4578e8e76b">Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi ladies, I'm new to the message board community. I know my son's soon to be wife posts on a month board here. I figured it would be safe to say this here. My son got engaged last year, they set a wedding date and I wanted some of my very close friends at their wedding. They agreed to allow it. My son came to me tonight and my soon to be daughter in law is upset with me. He said that she is upset because I am no longer helping to pay for anything and that it was part of the agreement with inviting a couple of my close friends. I tried explaining to him that parent's are not obligated to pay for any part of the wedding and he shouldn't just expect that I would help. I am on a short budget and work 2 jobs just to pay my own bills. Is there any other way to explain to them that it's not my responsibility to pay?
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    First, you should assume that your future daughter in law (FDIL) probably lurks everywhere on the message boards.  A lot of people do.

    Second, did you agree to contribute initially, and you backed out?  When you say "no longer", it makes it sound like you may have initially agreed to contributing.  If so, I can see why FDIL is upset or dissapointed.

    If your son and FDIL are paying for the whole wedding, and you are not contributing, you don't get a say over the guest list at all, and they are not required to invite your close friends.  It would be nice of them to do so, if their budget allows and they have the space. But, they can cut those people from the guest list if they'd like.

    No one is obligated to pay for the wedding other than the people getting married.  If you can't contribute, then don't, and explain to them that you are not in a financial position to help. 
  • You're kind of both wrong. He shouldn't be expecting you to contribute, but if you're not contributing you shouldn't expect to have any say at all in the guest list. Also, if you offered to pay, and they accommodated your guest list requests because of your offer to pay, I can see why they are a little upset being financially on the hook for guests they never would've invited if they thought they would be paying for them.
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  • I agree, my answer kind of depends on whether you at any time offered to pay for a portion. Even if you did, I understand that financial circumstances change, so maybe you said you would contribute but can no longer afford it. If that's the case, I understand your son and FDIL's disappointment. That said, you are absolutely right that you're not responsible for paying for their wedding. But if they choose to keep the guest lost smaller by not inviting your friends, that is within their rights.
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  • I had told them I could help pay for most of my guests but I informed them that I'm not able to anymore. I know they can't take back save-the-dates that already went out and I do feel bad. They are not paying on their own, her parents are helping as well. I talked to the bride's mother who explained that the dinner at the site is not cheap and that's what she is upset about. I just don't like that my son's soon to be wife is making him upset with me also.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:d8d7f1cc-62bc-4745-97da-527098a55728">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had told them I could help pay for most of my guests but I informed them that I'm not able to anymore. I know they can't take back save-the-dates that already went out and I do feel bad. They are not paying on their own, her parents are helping as well. I talked to the bride's mother who explained that the dinner at the site is not cheap and that's what she is upset about. I just don't like that my son's soon to be wife is making him upset with me also.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    It is very possible that your son is upset with you as well.  They added to their guest list based on your request and confirmation that you would pay for those guests.  Now, your son and his bride and her family have to figure out where to come up with that money.  Your FDIL isn't wrong to be upset with you and she isn't MAKING your son upset with you. He is a grown man, about to get married. I'm sure he can come up with his own opinions/feelings.

    In my opinion, you shouldn't have committed to contribute that money, and you shouldn't have added to their guest list unless you had set that money aside.  So, your original post asking "how can I explain that I'm not obligated to pay for their wedding", is very misleading.  You were somewhat obligated, because you said you would pay, and then you added your friends to their guest list.

    But, since that is all irrelevant now, I would apologize to your son and your daughter and express how sorry you are that things came up that you didn't plan for. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:d8d7f1cc-62bc-4745-97da-527098a55728">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had told them I could help pay for most of my guests but I informed them that I'm not able to anymore. I know they can't take back save-the-dates that already went out and I do feel bad. They are not paying on their own, her parents are helping as well. I talked to the bride's mother who explained that the dinner at the site is not cheap and that's what she is upset about. I just don't like that my son's soon to be wife is making him upset with me also.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    While I understand that financial circumstances change - and you certainly shouldn't go into debt to help pay for a wedding - I can 100% understand why your FDIL is upset. You rescinded on helping to pay for these people that you insisted they invite and now they are stuck trying to come up with the money (sidenote: brides - this is why we tell you not to count on any money from anyone until it's in your hands AND why save-the-dates can be a VERY bad idea!!!)...

    Your son really had no business telling you that it's (solely) his future wife that is upset... and I imagine him saying something to you directly means that he, too, is upset about it but doesn't want mommy to get mad at him for bringing it up so he put it off on his future wife.
  • His soon to be wife is MAKING him upset with you? Is your son cool with your reneging? Is he saying that just his fiance is upset? Is he not upset.? Can you understand that he is between a rock and a hard place?
  • Or everything cmgil said...
  • I have been telling them that I do feel bad but these are a few of my very close friends and I can't imagine having to uninvite them. It's only 22 people added to the guest list and that makes up for the friends the bride to be and her family invited.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    22 people is a lot, IMO. Could you please clarify what you mean by that makes up for the people the bride and her family added. I don't understand.
  • But the bride to be and her family are paying for their guests. They had every right to invite whomever they wanted to.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:7bb9cb57-fe47-4593-b773-5ec5f86c0167">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been telling them that I do feel bad but these are a few of my very close friends and I can't imagine having to uninvite them. It's only 22 people added to the guest list and that makes up for the friends the bride to be and her family invited.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    there is no "making up" for the guests the bride and her family invited.  They are paying for the wedding.  You aren't.  Which means, you don't get a say over the guest list.  Depending on how much their wedding is costing them, 22 guests could be an additional $1,000-$3,000.

    Your son and FDIL shouldn't uninvite your friends, since they sent out a STD to them. But, you have no business being upset that your son, FDIL and her parents might be irritated as heck with you.  You committed to something that you aren't following through on.  that sucks for everyone involved.
  • Honestly, OP, if you're working two jobs to make ends meet, I don't understand why you even offered to pay in the first place. If I was your kid I'd feel like you'd scammed me into committing to inviting your friends, then left me high and dry when the bill came due. And I can pretty much guarantee that thinking and saying things like "she's making my son upset with me" is going to set you up for a terrible relationship with your FDIL. Trust your son to have his own thoughts and feelings, and avoid the temptation to blame her just because you don't like what he's saying to you. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to your son either.
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  • Like I said previously, I know that finances change and times get tough. I'm sure you didn't pull the money intentionally and that you do feel badly about it. But try to put yourself in your son and FDIL's position here, they or perhaps the bride's family are on the hook for 22 guestsworth of unexpected expense. That is an upsetting position to be in.
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  • edited December 2012
    And 22 extra people at my wedding would've cost me $3000. You can bet I'd be irritated if I got stuck with an unexpected $3000 bill.
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  • Steph, you put that vey well about the son having his own feelings.
  • Not to mention that it isn't just 22 extra plates they are paying for... even if they seat 10 people per table (which is pretty cramped - we did 8 people per table at our wedding), that's an extra 2.2 centerpieces, 22 extra favors, up to 22 additional invitations plus postage, 22 extra chair covers/bows, 22 extra seats at the ceremony... you get the drift?

    Had someone pulled that on me, it would have ended up costing an additional $4000, easily. That's nothing to scoff at.
  • My son and I always had a great relationship until she came into the picture. And I will admit that I never got a long with her from the beginning. I think the only reason they are this upset is because they are now in debt, which is not my fault. His fiance had "emergency" surgery and they are trying to pay that off butget real here, they are adults and her parents are helping to pay for that too.
  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:7bb9cb57-fe47-4593-b773-5ec5f86c0167">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been telling them that I do feel bad but these are a few of my very close friends and I can't imagine having to uninvite them. It's only 22 people added to the guest list and that makes up for the friends the bride to be and her family invited.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]


    to me, 22 is alot. Depending on the venue, that could cost 1000's of extra dollars due to cost of extra invitations, favors, food, liquor.

    the brides family is helping pay you said, so it's not a fair trade, IMO. You pay, you invite whomever you want.

    You should either come up with the money, or expect your friends to not be invited since your son is telling you he cannot afford it.
  • I feel sorry for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:99ff05af-e525-4867-9c4f-69a529a55a77">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not to mention that it isn't just 22 extra plates they are paying for... even if they seat 10 people per table (which is pretty cramped - we did 8 people per table at our wedding), that's an extra 2.2 centerpieces, 22 extra favors, up to 22 additional invitations plus postage, 22 extra chair covers/bows, 22 extra seats at the ceremony... you get the drift? Had someone pulled that on me, it would have ended up costing an additional $4000, easily. That's nothing to scoff at.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

    Hell, our caterer and florist was crazy cheap and we were able to bring in our own liquor.  But 22 people would have still cost me about $500.00-600.00.  I would have been salty as hell if someone agreed to give me $500.00 and then backed out.
  • I have to agree with the PP's.  If you had never agreed to pay for any of these guests, you are right, you would not have any obligation to help pay for their wedding.  However, since you had agreed to pay to cover these guests, they have every right to be upset now that you are no longer helping.  Unfortunately, since STD's have gone out, they really can't uninvite them without breaching etiquette themselves so someone really needs to come up with the funds to pay for them.  Is there anything you can do to even come up with part of what the cost would be for these extra guests?  Twenty two people is a lot and also would have added a couple thousand dollars to my wedding costs as well.  My MIL asked us to invite 3 of her very close friends (and spouses) which we thought was fine and reasonable.  My parents gave us a list of like 10 people plus spouses, but as 6 of them I had never met (I haven't lived in my hometown in 15 years and our wedding was where I lived when we got married) we axed them and just invited the friends I actually knew since neither set of parents helped us pay for the wedding.

    It sounds like you're upset that someone else is becoming a priority in your son's life, but that's exactly as it should be as they are starting THEIR life together and will be making decision together going forward about what is best for THEM, not necessarily what is best for YOU.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1f1344e3-9db8-4618-9db0-75a33c6bc589">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]My son and I always had a great relationship until she came into the picture. And I will admit that I never got a long with her from the beginning. I think the only reason they are this upset is because they are now in debt, which is not my fault. His fiance had "emergency" surgery and they are trying to pay that off butget real here, they are adults and her parents are helping to pay for that too.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    Still, you agreed to pay for something, and now you backed out. They have every right to be upset with you. Whether she had surgery or not, or they are in other debt.  You agreed to something, you got your way by adding to their guest list, and then you backed out.  YOU are at fault here, not them.  Whether her surgery is causing additional financial hardship on them is really none of your business, and it isn't related to the money you already committed to paying.

    If I were you I'd work super hard on setting aside the attitude about your FDIL.  Your son picked her.  Presumably, she is going to be around for a while. You should think about cutting the "it's all her fault that we don't get along anymore" attitude, or you will end up being the odd person out.
  • I also get the impression that you are a little (a lot?) bitter that the bride's family is covering some of the costs (and thus getting their way in some aspects as well). Really, it is none of your business who is and isn't helping to pay for the wedding and/or your FDIL's surgery if you are not contributing.

    Also, I find it a little offensive that you are using quotations when calling it "emergency" surgery. What in heavens name did she have done that you deem unnecessary (that clearly a doctor did not)?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:1f1344e3-9db8-4618-9db0-75a33c6bc589">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]My son and I always had a great relationship until she came into the picture. And I will admit that I never got a long with her from the beginning. <strong>I think the only reason they are this upset is because they are now in debt, which is not my fault.</strong> His fiance had "emergency" surgery and they are trying to pay that off butget real here, they are adults and her parents are helping to pay for that too.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    This can't be real. I really hope it's MUD...because otherwise, you seem to be able to assign blame to everyone but yourself. You ascribe dishonorable motives to everyone but yourself, the one person we know about in this scenario who has gone back on their word.
  • I'm sorry that you don't get along with your FDIL. But it is highly unlikely that all of the blame for that rests on her shoulders. And you know what, even if she is an awful person and you don't want your son to marry her, you still put them in a difficult spot. And you do sound like you are judging her regarding the "emergency" surgery. We obviously don't know what you meant by that was it cosmetic or something?, but I hardly understand how you can pass judgment about their financial stability of all things given the nature of your question...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:eaa8d1df-0a88-4dab-8f77-d2cd6b44f851">Re: Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Joined today, added 22 people to the guest list and bailed on the tab, scoffing at medical bills... I'm calling troll. <strong>I'm betting the FDIL will join the conversation shortly.</strong>
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    I was just thinking the same thing.  Or, there will be another post from FDIL complaining about her biatch FMIL.
  • You can look her up on the May 2013 board, that's when they are getting married. I'm sure she has complained about me to everyone.
  • QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_money-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b06c212-2472-4e68-9b2b-9d6961461bd4Post:29114cb1-8fb8-422a-a112-714b0d0ca8ef">Re:Money Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]You can look her up on the May 2013 board, that's when they are getting married. I'm sure she has complained about me to everyone.
    Posted by Momma71511[/QUOTE]

    I imagine there are a couple hundred brides on the May 2013 board, and no one cares to look her up, since of course, we have no idea who she is.  And honestly, if you are real, and you aren't a troll, I bet she IS complaining about you. 
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