Not Engaged Yet

Family drama

Sorry so long!Well, I havn't posted in a couple of months becuase I was driving myself nuts thinking of wedding stuff when we still dont know when we're going to be able to actually get engaged and start planning a wedding. But alas, the family drama has intensified.Quick recap: BF & I together nearly 7 years now, both in our mid 20's. Bought a house together in January with the plan to get engaged shortly after, then married in 2010. But, as so many well laid plans do, they fell apart when he was laid off in March. We are now waiting until he finds a new job, which has proved to be difficult to say the least, in this economy. His parents have not been supportive of our decision to buy a house together without being married from the start, for religious reasons. They boycotted our housewarming party, and have refused to step foot in our house, or really aknowlegde that part of our relationship. We put up with it for 6 months. Last week, a family member passed away, and we spent all week travelling with them, planning services, and getting through the tough time. But they were still pretty hot & cold toward us. BF decided he had enough of their half hearted relationship with us and finally confronted them, invited them over for dinner one more time, and let it be known we could put all this behind us and move on, but we are still not getting married until the time is right for us, and we are not going to put up with their crap of accepting part of our relationship but not all anymore.Basically, they took his offer and rejected it. Unless we get married, they will not approve of our relationship. Clearly, we are not getting married to please them. We could just go to JOP they said: true, we could, but that is not how we want to get married. We want to get married surrounded by our friends and family, and we want to take the time to plan the wedding we want when he is not stressed out about not having a job. So, basically, both parties have made their choice: We chose to live together, happily, without being married yet. They chose to not accept this, therefore foregoing any relationship with their son. Maybe strangers with more distance on the issue would have more insight/advise/envouragement. I know there have got to be others in similar situations. We are religious too, but we don't necessarily see what we are doing as wrong. I cannot understand parents chosing to not have a relationship with their son because of this. Sorry so long. Had to vent.  

Re: Family drama

  • edited December 2011
    Wow, just wow!  It sounds like everyone is being pretty bull headed about this though.  I completely respect your decision to not get married until it is right for you (and bravo on that since I think so many people rush into it), but I also think that by insisting that the parents excpet the entire relationship leaves no room for compromise, whatsoever.  In my experience, most parents aren't jumping up and down for joy when their child moves in with a SO before marriage and even very laid back parents that are extremely supportive of the relationship need time to acclimate to the change.  I don't think ultimatums are good in any relationship and thats pretty much what your BF gave his parents.  Yeah, it hurts that they can't accept all of your relationship but its not like they were unwilling to have a relationship with you at all or that they told your BF "Son, we disapprove so much that we are unwilling to see MustangSally at all".  If that were the case I could understand the stance he took- but it doesn't sound like its the case. Why can't it be a compromise where you and your BF say "We get that they are having a hard time with our living situation and so we will meet them in a neutral location?"FWIW, my situation wasn't quite so dramatic, in any way shape or form, but my parents weren't pleased that FI and I chose to move in together before we were married (or even engaged for that matter).  They live 14 hours away and would agree to come to a holiday dinner while in town but would not stay with us- and would instead spend $500 or more on a hotel room instead of staying with us for free.  They have told me they will stay with us after the wedding.  Had I insisted that they stay with us or our parent-daughter relationship was over, it would be one hot mess and lots of hurt feelings. 
  • edited December 2011
    While I don't have any super advice to offer you, my heart definitely goes out to you. Life is too short to forego a relationship over such an issue. (You'd think the recent death in the family would have helped them realize that!) You can never get time back, and even if you get married tomorrow, it won't magically erase the hurt they have all ready caused over that past 6 months. Sounds like you & your BF are being very mature and extending a lot of olive branches... all ready doing everything you possibly can without compromising your own beliefs and plans.Stay smiley, stay strong, and feel free to come here & vent anytime. Hope your situation fixes itself... sometimes these things do just work themselves out. =/
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  • ericswifeyericswifey member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This sounds like a very difficult situation. I know BF's parents were not so keen on the idea when we moved in together too, but years have passed and they got over it. I think they know we plan to get married eventually and they were never out-rightly rude to us. If it is for "religious" reasons that they have a problem with it, well, it just doesn't seem very (I'm going to assume) Christian to disown family for any reason. But, honestly, I don't know the whole story and I can't pass judgment on that. Perhaps over time they will accept it.
  • edited December 2011
    I had (have) a similar situation. My BF's parents don't approve of us living together, and TBH we did it suddenly, without him even telling them our relationship was that serious... and he told them after it was said and done and I had moved across the country. Seemed (and still seems) like a very good decision from my point of view (and my parents are very supportive). But I didn't know his parents at the time, and had no idea they'd have this sort of reaction.I mean, he TOLD me they'd disown him, hence his reluctance to tell them about it beforehand or even while I was moving. He waited until we were good and comfy and things were fantastic.They didn't disown him, and his dad has become neutral to the living arrangements, but his mom is BSC. One minute she tells him he needs to marry me to make things right, the next she criticizes things like our "kitchen compromise" (I'm vegetarian and we don't keep or cook meat in the house, but he brings home takeout meals or eats meat when we go out).I mean, it's none of her business, and we are BOTH comfortable with all of our compromises and arrangements and habits.She just basically treats me like crap. I haven't been to his parents' house since Easter, before that it was Christmas Eve (she didn't want me there on Christmas Day because it would be "awkward" for her), before that it was during hurricane Gustav, when she had a fit about him making me a grilled cheese sandwich and made me keep my chickpeas in the can instead of letting me use a tupperware container.It's hard. It's really hard. They're not my parents, so I can't do what I normally would and have a big yelling fight and then everyone gets over it. That's how my family rolls. Whoever yells loudest wins. But his family is quiet and makes snide comments and talks behind your back.I love my BF, and moving in with him was the best thing ever. I don't regret it. What I regret is his mother's lack of hospitality and acceptance.
    Anniversary
  • magsugar13magsugar13 member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    wow...jean your bf ALLOWS his parents to treat you like that? that is BS. you should go over to family matters on the nest and read some of them. getting married to a man who allows his family to disrepect you is trouble all the way around!
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the input, Mag, but we've got it covered. He doesn't "allow" it. We don't see them. Every now and then for a holiday if I am feeling hardheaded we'll go over. But for the most part we've decided (together) that if that is how his mom is going to treat me, then she won't be seeing much of either of us.She treats him like crap, too. Every Saturday his parents come to Baton Rouge to grocery shop and go out to eat. Every Saturday they work their schedule around his sister's part-time job. If BF can't make it due to work, his mom says "Oh, okay. That's too bad. Your sister has to work at x,y,z time so we've got to be heading home by x time."His sister LIVES with them, and has her own transportation. You'd think his mom would want to spend time with the child that doesn't live at home anymore... but no. He's the ugly duckling or something.We've discussed moving closer to my parents when I have my degree. BF and I are totally on the same page, although I feel bad for him. It's got to be really hard on him. It's hard on me, too... but it's not my mom.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    My heart goes out to you, because that's truly a sh*tty situation to be in. The only advice I can give you is to do what is best for you and your relationship. If living together makes you happy and provides for a more sound, stable relationship, then I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. Either his family will eventually see the light or they won't. I just hope for your FH's sake that they don't permanently damage or destroy their relationship with their son and his future wife before they come around.From a personal standpoint, I'm 100% behind you. My BF and I are both Christians (as are our respective parents) and we are "living in sin", and we couldn't be happier. Our parents are all happy for us as well. This arrangement is what worked best for us and made us happy - we're saving money that can be put towards a wedding and a future home by combining bills and rent, we can spend as much time together as we want, and he's there to help me deal with my health issues. By living together, we're building a stronger foundation to our relationship. Now, maybe that's not for everybody, but it works for us. As for the "living in sin" portion...to be honest, I think God's got bigger fish to fry than us living together prior to marriage. Like Darfur, world hunger...Best of luck to you guys :)

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  • edited December 2011
    Hey Jeana, maybe your FMIL needs a "your BSC but we'll be family soon so we need to get along" chicken cake.

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    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

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  • edited December 2011
    Or a mojito. Mojitos fix everything.

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    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

    Planning / Married / Blog

  • edited December 2011
    thanks ladies. Oceana, I agree, there are bigger things to worry about in the world than two happy people in love "living in sin"  :)
  • edited December 2011
    Hey Jeana, maybe your FMIL needs a "your BSC but we'll be family soon so we need to get along" chicken cake.LOL! Maybe I should. I mean, she already thinks I'm crazy and only after his money (which is totally why I supported him during his last year of college and the 5 months after when he wasn't working. DUH) and that I'm too outspoken with him.So, why not bring a nice Engagement Chicken cake over for the next holiday I decide to brave? I always stress over what I should bring, because no matter what it is nobody touches it.A chicken cake might be just the sort of icebreaker I need!I can hear the whispered criticisms already. But at least this time BF and I would be able to laugh. :D
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    @ jeana - I vote that the next family holiday, you guys bring KFC carryout to eat and don't touch any of their food. That would be AWESOME...ps. Did I end up getting the make-FMIL-uncomfortable gig for your wedding?

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    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

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  • edited December 2011
    Oceana-- Your job at my Mexican beach wedding is to bring Jell-o shots, make mojitos, and sit next to my FMIL. :DDid I mention she doesn't drink and is really awkward about alcohol?
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    ::stumbles drunkenly up to Jeanna's FMIL, sloshes mojito in her lap:: "Why hell-oooooooooooo, Mrs. FMIL..."

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    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

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