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My wedding vs hers

TomKyTomKy member
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in Destination Weddings Discussions
I was asked to be MOH for a destination wedding April, 2010 which is very exciting, this girl has been my best friend for the last 10 years and I am really happy for her, the problem is that I got engaged before her and have booked my wedding for June, 2010. My fiance and I are having a hard enough time saving up for our own wedding and honeymoon that we just can't afford to attend a desination wedding just two months before our own. We just can't afford it. She offered to cover my expenses and I could pay her back in the fall but I honestly don't want to go with out my man and I will be missing a week of work as I am taking my vacation time for our honeymoon. I feel so stuck in the middle, knowing we can't afford it! I know she is going to be mad, so how do I tell her?
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Re: My wedding vs hers

  • 8.9.8isthedate8.9.8isthedate member
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    IMO, if she is willing to front you the money how can you decline?  ... Maybe you could just go to 2 nights instead of the entire week?  Cost less for your friend, less debt for you to pay back, and less time from FI.  Seems like a win-win for you.
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  • brunstarbrunstar member
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    Just be up front.  If it's really not going to work for you, tell her how much you would love to be there and that you appreciate the offer to front the money, but for these reasons it's not going to work.  Had my MOH told me she couldn't do it, I would have been sad, but definitely not mad.  It just doesn't always work for people to go.
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  • CNN in 2010CNN in 2010 member
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    Is she attending your wedding? I understand that you got engaged before she did but her wedding is just as important as yours is and if you're best friends then you should try to make it even if your man can't.  Obviously it means a lot to her for you to be at her wedding if she's asking you to be her MOH.  Would it bother you if she didn't make it to your wedding?  If you absolutely can't make it then explain to her your situation and hopefully she'll understand but her feelings will probably be hurt.
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  • SimplyMistakenSimplyMistaken
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    Let me apologize in advance-I don't mean to offend but I have to be blunt here.  Did you know hers was a destination wedding when you accepted?  Did you realize you had to take time off and pay for it?  I might be a bit peeved if you accepted knowing all that then said you can't come for money, I offer to pay for you and THEN you say the problem is now that you don't want to miss work or go without your man?  Yes, I would be mad-I would feel like it's not that important to you.  Just my opinion.  It sounds to me like you have decided you would rather not go and are at this point making it so..again, sorry, I am in a grumpy mood and my MOH just dissapeared off the face of the earth instead of facing me.  I give you much probs for thinking this through but you have to tell her ASAP so she can make other plans without you.
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  • SandalGirlSandalGirl
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    I guess i'm confused about the details. Have you accepted, or she just asked you? I think by her planning a destination wedding so close to yours, she had to know there was a chance you couldn't afford to go. It's kind of her to loan you the cash, but whether you pay for it now or later, you still have to pay. I know there's no way I could afford to go away in the same six months or even a year of my wedding. Buy her lunch, sit down and really talk about it. Be honest with her if she's your best friend. A really good friend told me she would 'for sure' make it to my wedding, even though she was on shaky financial ground, and u was a bit upset when later she said she couldn't go. Being upfront is better. Good luck and keep us posted!
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  • TomKyTomKy member
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    When I accepted she had not decided what she was doing and approx 2 weeks ago told everyone her plans. I do want to be there to support her, she is my best friend but do I put my self financially is more debt to attend? My fiance supports us for the most part, so me leaving puts more pressure on him and what I ge tto go on a week long vacay while he spends 80% of his time working hard to save money for use? I feel so stuck in the middle!
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  • IrisSIrisS
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    Just jumping on board here...Please don't take this the wrong way - i think it's great you are trying to come up with a way to not hurt her feelings. But honestly, i'd be a little peeved.One of my really close friends (if not THE best friend) - also a bridesmaid- can't commit to our wedding in May. Yes, she is also getting married in August and she keeps saying how she wants to come but does not know if she can afford it. I am a little upset because people that are not as close to me are saying that they will come! We are not picking the most extravagant resort, and I am willing to pay for her outfit and stuff should she choose to come. So if you are best friends, i think you'd try and make it work. Like other people mentioned, can you go for 2 nights? If it's a weekend wedding, you might not even miss any work.
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  • smilz4milzsmilz4milz member
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    Hi!Having been worried that my MOH might not be able to make to my DW and how much "wedded-debt" my FI and I will be in, here are my thoughts...If my MOH couldn't make it to my wedding, I WOULD UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY!  It's not like I could offer to help her get there, but even if I could, I would still understand completely if she couldn't make it.  (I now know that she will indeed be at my wedding, but I was prepared for "the phone call" from her).And as far as accepting a "loan" from the bride...if that would be offered to me, I would still have to decline.  Really I don't know when we'll have funds to do "fun stuff" again, but I sure do know that a few months after the wedding will still be too soon to do anything.  So accepting a loan from a friend would not be an option for me.  (And if you went through a TA, more than likely your own DW will have to be paid off 45 days before you leave...which will be right about the same time as her wedding).My FI and I have had a pretty long engagement and things that might have bothered me a year ago, do not phase me anymore...so that might be why I feel the way I do.  She might be upset, but she'll understand.  And though I don't know how much vaca you have, don't screw yourself and end up having to taking unpaid timeoff for your own wedding!  (My FI has done this...so now he won't be paid of 3 days we'll be gone...but that's another story...).Sorry this is long...but I hope it might help!
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  • TomKyTomKy member
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    It's an all inclusive resort, I just looked into the 2 night things which was a great idea . . . but the cost with air was almost the same as the full week. How can you be peeved when you know how much a wedding cost? We have little help with our wedding, my parents are paying for the bar (which is great) but thats it, everything else is up to us, including our honeymoon, plus we need a new vehicle. It all adds up . . .
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  • DancerppfDancerppf member
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    There are few things that can break up true best friends. And one of them is not attending a wedding. It seems as if she made every effort to accomodate you and it also seems that your mind is already made up. There is no making up for not being at one of the most important days of her life if it can be helped (illness or death in the family would be the only viable excuses). I had lost my job right before my best friends wedding a few years ago and there was never a question as to whether i would be there. If you have to get a part-time job (which will also help with your wedding) just do it. There isn't anything i wouldn't do for her so maybe you need to re-evaluate the importance of your friendship, because it could be on the line.
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  • IrisSIrisS
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    TomKy - i think you definitely know better than all of us put together what your situation is and what relationship you have with your best friend. Every situation is different, and even if some of us would be upset Jenni just said that she would understand. So you never know!Like i said before, i know i would be a little peeved - but it's only because i know their situation. My friend's fiance parents are rich, and will likely pitch in for more than half the wedding. Also, my friend's parents will likely help as well. So i think in their case, they could definitely make it work (if they put in the effort). But your situation sounds completely different, so i think it's worth for you to have a converstaion with your best friend. It will all work out!
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  • JSBB2010JSBB2010 member
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    O.k. I realize that everybodies situations are different and you can't understand unless you walk in someone elses shoes. So that being said, I will say what my Mama always told me: "Life is not fair, and sometimes you have to do things that you don't really want to do." So, if it were me I would go to the wedding, support my best friend on her wedding day, lay the problem in God's hands and it will work itself out in the end.As for me, I will support YOU no matter what you decide because that's what we are all here for on the knottie board.
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  • sarlahsarlah
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    It sounds like a very rough situation that only YOU can ever answer.Honestly, if my MOH said she couldn't go now, I wouldn't be happy. I would definitely be upset, but she's more than my MOH - she's my best friend. I would get over it and still love her.What you need to do is really think about it, talk it over with your FI and tell him how you feel, and you guys have to make the decision that works best for you. I know you said that even 2 days costs as much as a week, but 2 days allows you to not have to take as much time off of work. So there may be a compromise. Perhaps you can talk to your FI and your best friend, let her know you want to be there more than anything to support her, but you still have to consider your own wedding and finances.Good luck!
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  • FutureMrs.McCFutureMrs.McC
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    Ok, I swear I already posted but it seems to have disapeared.  It sounds like you've already made up your mind.  Just be honest with her.  Tell her you're not comfortable with taking a loan that you don't know when you'll be able to pay back and that you have limited vaca time.   I don't think you should tell her about the fact you don't want to go with FI because I would think was a really lame excuss if my best friend said it to me.  That being said, I have the best friends in the whole world and could not imagine making every possible sacrifice to attend their weddings.  All of my close friends are attending my wedding.  If they simply could not do it financially I would totally understand (I would be sad but would understand).  But if I offered to help with a friend's expenses and they still declined I would be pissed.
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  • drm6285drm6285 member
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    So I'm probably jumping on the band-wagon a little late, but I thought I would share my opinion too...I agree that you should make every effort possible to be there within your means, because I'm sure you would be really upset if your BFF decided she couldn't come to your wedding.  And it is true, that this is one of the major things that could break a friendship.  I also agree that going without FI shouldn't be a huge deal if going to be there to support your friend is what's important to you.I'm not having bridesmaids, but I had a huge family meeting with both of my sisters because I felt they would pull the finiancial card too (which I do understand ppl just sometimes can't afford it).  But I was giving them over a year to save (plus neither of them has a wedding coming up), so I would def be peeved at them at this point if they would pull out (but their situation is totally diff than yours).I think in the end it comes down to how much you want to be there for your friend, "where there is a will, there's a way."  Either way, you should def sit down and talk with her asap.Good luck, I know the economy is yucky right now and some people are really in a pickle, so I'm sorry to hear you may not be able to go.
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  • ajamesonajameson member
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    When planning a DW you have to realize that not everyone can make it. Yea, she offered to LOAN you the money which was very sweet of her but if you can't afford to pay it back in a timely manner then it could cause stress in the long run. I say be honest and let her know ASAP. Good luck.
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