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Is this unreasonable?

briarose21briarose21 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Not Engaged Yet
Hello everyone,I am a new poster, but I've been browsing the board for a while. I've decided to subject myself to your honest (sometimes painfully so!) opinions.My boyfriend and I are coming up on our three year anniversary in October. I am 26 and he is 35. We have talked openly about marriage from the very beginning and speak often of "when we get married," "when we have children," etc. Recently, when I suggested we think more seriously about getting engaged soon, he said he doesn't think three years together is long enough before getting engaged and that he's "too young."While I don't think three years is a terribly long time in the grand scheme of things, I do think that by 35 he should be more ready to make the leap. The whole exchanged bothered me more than I expected. I do think a proposal will come eventually, but feel hurt that he acted surprised that I thought three years a fair amount of time, especially at his age. I think maybe I just need some of you to bring me back to earth. We have a happy, steady relationship and I will wait until he's ready. But tell me honestly, is it unreasonable to feel this way?
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Re: Is this unreasonable?

  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He's too old to think he's too young for marriage, and he's too old for you. Move on.
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  • cocitygirlcocitygirl
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My BF and I are both 30 and we always think we're getting old.  It's funny that at 35 he thinks he's too young to get married.  But, it just sounds like he's not that into it.  Most guys at 35 after a 3 year relationship are ready to take the leap if they're ever going to.
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  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Either this guy is really immature or he's just not that into you.
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  • Mrs.MasieMrs.Masie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think by 35, 3 years is plenty of time to know whether the person you're with is someone you want to marry or not. And it is by no means 'too young' to get married, so that's just ridic. Maybe right there is the answer you need to figure out whether or not you guys are on the same page with this relationship. Cause talking about it (marriage, having kids) and actually DOING it are two totally different things.
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  • kelkel21kelkel21
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You can't really compare ages because everyone is different. But being together 3 years, you should definitely know if this is the person you're going to marry. I think you know after one year if they're meant for you or not. I would openly discuss your concerns. I'd flat out ask him if he sees himself marrying you. and if so at what timeline? and then go from there..
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  • Button5807Button5807
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think by "too young" he meant "too immature".
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  • Malakia02Malakia02
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I do not think you are being unreasonable at all Briar.  I agree with the previous posters that his response does not sound like someone who is prepared to make the engagement a reality and you need to make sure you guys are on the same waveleng asap.  Honestly the best thing you can do right now is sit him back down, explain that you were bothered by his response, and look at the situation more closely together as a couple. 
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  • magsugar13magsugar13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Did you ask him directly at waht age he would feel old enough? 35 is too young? I don't think so especially after 3 years! Sounds like he isnt quite sure you are the one for him.what happens next year when he says the same thing? how long are you willing to play this game?
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  • BeachsideBettinaBeachsideBettina member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can see where it would bother you definitely and I know I'd have a problem with it too.  I don't think its unreasonable at all.  I feel that after a couple of years you should at least know if the person you're with is the one, even if you maybe aren't ready to get married.  My one question is does he have siblings that have maybe had very long dating relationships before getting married?  I ask because both FI's siblings dated 5-10 years before getting married so thats kind of all he knew.  I also have a good guy friend who once told me that "a relationship isn't serious until you've been together for three years"- and all of his older sibs dated a long time before marrying so I think he might have gotten his idea from that. 
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  • AnneAndJJAnneAndJJ
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "I feel that after a couple of years you should at least know if the person you're with is the one, even if you maybe aren't ready to get married." I 100% agree. I kind of feel like that's where I'm at with my relationship right now. I know he's the man I want to marry, but I also know that I'm not ready to get married just yet. Anyway, OP, I am bothered by the fact that at 35 he thinks he's too young. By 35, there are people with several children, and sometimes several marriages under their belts. To me, it seems like an excuse to put it off. I also think that 3 years is definitely an acceptable amount of time to have been together before getting engaged. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think you need to do some re-evaluating of this relationship. You need to talk to him about this, in great, honest detail. Kind of sounds like he might be stringing you along, and that's not fair to you. You need to keep an open mind though, because despite all the excuses you might be able to make for him, they might not be valid, and it might be time to move on.
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  • trevette1981trevette1981 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Nope, you aren't unreasonable. If he were under the age or 25, 3 years wouldn't be a problem. But 35? No.At 25 and over, 3 yrs is enough time to know if that person is the ones for you.
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  • noelle24noelle24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At the age of 35, I think he should know whether or not he wants to settle down and spend the rest of his life with you. He sounds like he's either too immature (which wouldn't surprise me since he started dating a 23 year old in the first place) or he's just not sure about you.Either way, I'd be talking to him to find out where he sees his life heading and on what timeframe.  And then I'd decide if I was willing to wait around for it.  I'm hazarding a guess, though, that if 35 is still too young, he could hit 40 and still think he's "too young".  And as marriage is important to me, I don't think I'd be waiting that long.Good luck to you!
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  • MsFlickaMsFlicka
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    When men want to marry you, they don't make excuses about why they "can't yet." They make an extra effort to overcome potential obstacles rather than use them to avoid marriage. My FI first proposed marriage when we had been dating for six months at the absolute most inconvient worst ever time, when I was quitting my job, going back to grad school, and he was living in a teeny one bedroom. He wanted to get married to me so bad he tried to jump through all sorts of mental hoops to explain how we could "manage it." The same guy dated several previous girlfriends for years and gave them all the "too young / not ready / we need to date for longer / I'm not sure I believe in marraige" lines because he was just not that into them. Most men who are going to get married are over their "marriage is big and scary" jitters by the time they are 30. In my experience, that seems to be the big number a lot of men aim to be single until, and then settle down after. If he doesn't know after 3 years of dating, he never will. You are young. Move on.
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  • KittenKaboodle315KittenKaboodle315
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    While I mostly agree with the other posts there are some possible things to consider.A lot of guys want to hit some sort of milestone before they pop the question.Is he still finishing up school?By too young he might mean not ready.Does he have a grown-up job that he feels he could support your lives together?Otherwise you seem completely reasonable in your reaction. I mean 40 is when guys are supposed to have their mid life crisis (i realize not everyone has these) but he should be ready to be a grown up before he's ready to regret not being a young man.
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  • briarose21briarose21 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, there's nothing left for him to accomplish that should be holding him back. He should have no excuses. He's got an MBA and is a CFA, he owns a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan, has no student loans and is completely financially secure. All of this, of course, only makes it hurt more. I will be attending law school next fall (2010) and told him yesterday that I will not leave for school without an engagement. By that time he will be 36 and we will have been together 4 years. He said he has no intention of proposing before I start school.Wish me luck, everyone. I will be doing the hardest thing I've ever had to do and leaving. I can't even type that without crying.
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  • AcrosthecAcrosthec
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like he's going to be stubborn. Good luck saying goodbye, it'll be tough. Throw yourself into the new environment of law school. Hang out with your section/classmates and involve yourself in the groups there. I went through a horrific breakup right before I started law school, and I swear I was better off academically because of it. It was one of the most challenging and rewarding things I've ever done, and finally being done with it was probably the proudest moment of my life to date. Try your best to move on and enjoy it as much as possible. Good luck in school and in life! :)
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  • noelle24noelle24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that things aren't working out the way you wanted.  But you definitely need to stick to your ultimatum now that you've given him one.  Good luck with everything!
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