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Etiquette

Am I wrong to be offended?

My boyfriend and I live in separate states, and I am visiting him for a few weeks. Today I went to get the mail and noticed a wedding invitation addressed only to my boyfriend. Interested in what wedding he was invited to, I look on the back to see the return address. It's the wedding of my boyfriend's best friend, a wedding that he's a groomsman in. Since the outer envelope said only his name, I figured they were being etiquettely sound and mailing me a separate invitation since we don't live together (back story: we've been dating for seven years, long before my boyfriend met his friend or him and his fiancee started dating). I wanted to see the invitation, and figuring he wouldn't mind me opening his mail just this once, I opened it up to find that the inner envelope said: "Mr. Smith and Guest."I'm not outrageously close to the groom's fiance, but my boyfriend and the groom were roommates for four years in college, all of which I was dating my boyfriend for. He's in the wedding. Actually, he might be the best man, we're not sure (THAT'S a long story, the moral of which is never let men organize a wedding).Am I totally wrong for feeling snubbed? It's not as if I don't know these people or they aren't good friends of ours. In the years we have been together my boyfriend and I have always either been sent separate invitations or, if one was sent to one of our addresses, it had both our names on it. Just because we aren't in a hurry to get married like everyone else seems to think we should be, I feel like this "and Guest" business is saying that our relationship isn't as valid.Any insight?

Re: Am I wrong to be offended?

  • See poli's post below...
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  • Some people feel that 'and guest' is perfectly acceptable.  I'd put both your names on the response card and not worry about it that much.
    Kailyn Jean Born August 6, 2011 (3w6d early) image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Planning Bio
  • I think some people just think that "and guest" is the proper way to do it.But, you know, it makes better friendships if you take the dramalicious way of looking at it.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • PS - if you're not in a hurry to get married, why are you on a wedding planning site?
    BFP(1) DD1 born 4.17.10 @ 33w5d due to pPROM
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  • I would find it absolutely irritating too.  .  Keep in mind though, it could mean nothing.  Whoever addressed them might not have known your name and someone might have forgotten to write it down.  Or they might have not known how to spell it and thought "and guest" was an ok substitute (a stretch yes, but people are dumb sometimes).  It could be something like that which while thoughtless, was not intended with malice. I would take a few minutes to fume, and then let it go.  As long as these people don't treat you like this much of an afterthought in person, it's not a battle worth fighting. 

    image

    "Whatever East. You're just mad I RSVP'd "lame" to your pre-wedding sleepover."
  • Word, why are you here.
  • Some people honestly think that if you're not married, then 'and guest' is the way to go.Unless these are people who can't stand you then just let it go.  Some people are just mistaken in what is proper etiquette.
  • I agree that you never know the circumstance the invite was addressed under.  Maybe someone was helping them address the invites or it was simply a mistake.  I know if I hadn't told FI to put specific names vs 'and guest' he totally would have done this to about 10 of his friends and their SO's. 
    10.10.09
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  • I think you're being ridiculous. My mom refused to put 2 people's names on an envelope that weren't married. I didn't care enough to fight her on it. I don't see why this matters?
  • I said we weren't in a hurry to get married, I didn't say we weren't ever going to. We're just taking the scenic route. He just finished up pilot training for the Air Force and I'm in graduate school... just isn't time. There are lots of people on this Web site who aren't engaged.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Not saying this is in your case, but I gave an 'and guest' to my SIL who has had the same BF for 7 years (they started dating at age 14).   The fact was they were kind of 'off' when the invites went out, so we were not sure what the deal was.  It was a non-issue. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • 1) male communication skills are often lacking in the etiquette department.2) Don't ever open mail that is not addressed to you.  I would find that very offensive
  • So, you're invited and you're complaining just because they didn't put your name on it?  Not worth getting your panties in a bunch over, that's for sure.
  • I don't see anything wrong with people who aren't getting married being here, as long as they aren't acting like NEY brats.  There's nothing wrong with getting idea's before hand.  Thats along the same lines of these brats who say "why are you here if you're already married?"  "Because I want to be, so what?"

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    "Whatever East. You're just mad I RSVP'd "lame" to your pre-wedding sleepover."
  • I don't mind it either, it just struck me as odd to be thrown in there.And ditto oot for opening up his mail.  I don't even open up DH's netflix without asking him b/c I feel weird, and then he yells at me for asking.  Well, not yells, but tells me of course and wonders why I even asked.
    BFP(1) DD1 born 4.17.10 @ 33w5d due to pPROM
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  • I think she threw that in there because she thinks she was slighted as just a "and guest" because they aren't married or engaged and in no hurry to get there.  So it's relevant to her overreaction.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • unengaged people don't bother me.  nor do the marrieds, obviously.i would be a little turned off by it but assume that they didn't know.

    "It's shart week." -georgiabride
    "This post is seriously retarded." -Stackeye210
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    Miss
    Mrs & ZOMG we built a howse!
    being healthy. blog.
  • Because I'm bored I checked out a couple of etiquette sites:Unmarried couples who do not share the same residence. You should send the invitation to the closest friend.  The only name on the outer should be the person who lives at the address.The inner envelope, if there is one, should have both names.
  • Yes, thank you, wadingmoose, that is why I threw that in there.
  • Funny that you brought this up today - FI was invited to a wedding of a longtime family friend last year (after we'd gotten engaged) and I wasn't on the invite, and it was genuinely just a mistake.   We got another invite today from his uncle, who is getting married just after us, and the invite was only addressed to FI.I can understand the annoyance, as it's bugged me both times - but I wouldn't take it personally.
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  • That needed to be bold?

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Maybe they didn't know if you would be able to come since you live in different states, but wanted your boyfriend to be able to bring a different guest (a friend? a sibling?) if you weren't able to come. Just a thought.If not, I would be slightly annoyed but not enough to get worked up over. It was probably an oversight.
  • GeekGurl, thank you for looking that up... I had seen other sites that said something similar. These people are not malicious and I'm sure they didn't mean it to be hurtful, I was just looking for some feedback. And I didn't mean for my last post to be bold. Please forgive.
  • And ditto OOT on the opening of the BF's email.  It's hard to argue etiquette when you broke the law.And actually, if it's an unmarried couple living together, etiquette holds that you address the envelope to the woman first:Ms. Roberta SmithMr. Stanley Jones34 Main StreetIt's not about who you know better. 
  • They aren't living together.
  • Whoops, I just re-read and saw that you two don't live together.
  • Hi, I'm really late and not sure if you'll see this but I totally agree with you.  I only sent "and guest" to people who didn't have a serious s/o.  FI has received a couple of wedding invitations that said and guest even though we live together.  I found it pretty rude especially because I was invited to both brides showers.  I took it as I was a good enough friend to buy them a shower gift but not to be invited (specifically) to the wedding.
  • In defense of the the bride and groom who sent these, I don't know quite a few of my fiancee's friend's SO's last names and in some cases their real names if they go by a nickname. Sometimes you cannot go tracking down every guest's dates name.
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