starrbuck

alinaandjared · August 2009

in light of the post below about a lost check.... several of our bridal party members did not give gifts either... or cards. Screw the gift. I know everyone is pressed for money and most of us are in grad school or just graduated but a damn card and 20 dollar registry gift would have been perfectly fine. I MADE SURE my girls had no expenses other than dresses too, and I offered to order all of them from RK to save about 50 bucks but 3 insisted on ordering from the place I got my dress.... for $200 bucks instead of $152 at RK Bridal, and of course those are the 3 with no gift, no card. All I want is a card, some acknowledgement and momento. My MOH is in med school and lives off of what she has/her mother is able to provide, she got us a gorgeous calla lily vase from crate and barrel and it was not expensive, another BM got us a small gift and really really nice card- people are inconsiderate. What do I give these people when they get married? Nothing?

banana468 · August 2009

Keep in mind, you JUST got married. Guests still have plenty of time to send you some form of acknowledgment for your wedding. Plus, technically you're not supposed to give a couple their gift at the wedding. It's rather presumptuous to start saying now that these people are inconsiderate. Our BM and his wife sent us a lovely gift about two months after the big day. We didn't care at all. My MOH didn't give us a gift for the wedding but it's not a big deal. I don't base my friendship with her on what she's given to me.When it comes to the weddings of those people, give a gift based on how you feel about THEM - not how you feel about their gift giving for that one occasion. If you honestly would not give these friends anything for their wedding solely because you didn't get anything from them for their wedding then re-think the friendship you have with them. The 'eye for an eye' approach isn't usually one that builds bridges.That isn't to say that you should be a doormat or the only giver either though.

starrbuk13 · August 2009

i hear you sister! you just graduated law school, too, right? i mean, of course we're all pressed for money! my bar loan went to my wedding lol. still though, we took our bridal party out to nice dinners and i spent like $100 on each girl as a gift!we only had 1 GM and 1 BM not give gifts...and we were overly nice to our bridal party as well! my girls got to pick all their own dresses/shoes completely...all i told them was navy blue and knee length. the 1 BM at least gave us a card, but an empty one. she did NOTHING for my shower (didn't even RSVP!) and didn't get me anything for that either (not even a card!). she even had the nerve to call me a few days before the shower and give me this entire lecture about how "BMs normally don't give anything if they are following proper etiquette." like asking my permission to not give a thing!our guys wore navy blazers, white shirts, kakhis, and we bought them ties. the 1 GM who didn't even give us a card had it all and didn't even have to buy a THING!!!! he's getting married next may...his FI's dad is paying for the ENTIRE thing, and all he did at my reception was brag about the house he just bought, his 8-piece band at his wedding, etc. the kid is SO into impressing people it's ridiculous...he walks around like he's got tons of money, and he didn't even give us a card. and his FI is LOADED. i don't know what to do when he gets married! like you said....what do you do...give them nothing as well? and i REFUSE to send thank you's to these 2 people. they each got thank you gifts from us since they were GM and BM, plus a thank you dinner (we didn't do a rehersal dinner so we did a "thank you" dinner). so frustrating. its not about the gifts, you know? like you said, it's an acknowledgment thing. is it really that hard to get a card? UGH. stupid people!!!

alinaandjared · September 2009

starrbuck-oh don't even get me started on my law school loans- the 3 girls and I just graduated. And yes banana, I know people have one year to give a gift, I think you missed the point of my post. You bring a card to the wedding, even if there is no gift. Mail a card, something to acknowledge that you were present at the wedding, wish the couple well, and than them for inviting them to be part of the bridal party. I obviously will NOT snub my bridal party when they get married but will I give the normal $250 dollars I would give another couple getting married? Probably not as that will look foolish. As a postser had posted in the original thread (maybe it was blondie)? their friends have an agreement of no big gifts because it becomes a wash. I don't know how things are in your circle/your families circles but people either give a. what they were given or b. what they can afford to give at that time- this is usually NOT more than they were given by the same people, and I completely understand why. Unfortunately gift giving has for many become more than just a "congrats/thank you" and I do not want to be the "family friend that stiffed the new bride and groom" nor the one that "is showing off all that money she has"

banana468 · September 2009

Alina, I agree that sometimes you reach a point where you see that gift giving for one friend is not the same as you thought it would be. DH and I did realize that with one couple where we'd given them several items over the course of their 'firsts' and at our wedding, their gift was not quite as generous as DH thought.However it is the thought that counts and all it lets us know is that gift giving isn't quite the same for them as it is for us.My point about the other people who DID give us gifts though is that it's silly to focus on what you did or didn't get at your wedding that was nine days ago. Our Best Man and his wife didn't give us a card at the wedding but their gift wowed us two months later. At the wedding, she did an extremely generous thing by being the videographer for the big moments. And why would I want to know how they felt in a card when his Best Man speech/toast was something that brought tears to my eyes? That's the point I'm trying to make. Just realize that on that day, you have friends being "there" for you along those steps you make in your journey.Yes, hopefully they do give a present. If you reach the six month mark and there's bubkus, sure you can see that the gift giving for them isn't what you thought it would be. In the meantime though, focus on all the awesome things that your bridal party has already done. Presumably, your love for them is what prompted you to ask them to be in your wedding in the first place. Dwelling on something just a few days later is a bit counter-productive.

alinaandjared · September 2009

yes you bring up a good point- I have not forgotten how much it meant to me for them to be in our bridal party and I am not hung up on it (if I were I would have blabbed about it a long time ago). I was just trying to relate to an individual who also did not receive a card. As to your intent on not giving thank you cards starrbuck, that would be a BIG no no to me. I always take note (mentally) of people that don't take the time to write a thank you card (or pick up the phone and call and say "thank you so much for this beautiful gift for my soon to be born little girl"). Thank your bridal party or whomever else did not bring a gift by thanking them for taking part in your day/attending the wedding, celebrating with you and your families and that you hope to see them again soon at XXX"s wedding, your home, etc.

JBDamonM · September 2009

I feel like I can beat you all: Among the gifts I am missing: All 3 of DH's sisters DH's Aunt and Uncle DH's Cousins (coincidentally the children of the above aunt and uncle) NOw - I know there is a year to give a gift, and there are many more people on my list, but seriously THIS MUCH of Dh's family!?!? COME ON! That's just ridiculous. And I can tell you that witht hese people money is NOT an issue. I know one of his sisters isn't going to give us anything.... I'm guessing b/c DH didn't give her anything - when she got married FIVE Years ago and he had no money...... I realize the same can be said about him - he could've given a card, but seriously - they have more money than god, and are much older, a $20 registry gift and being a better person would be great. What really kills me though is the AUnt and Uncle. Owners of a newspaper, and NOTHING. and I"m sorry - but with people like that, I have a hard time thinking it's ever coming - if it hasn't at the wedding or in the near 2 months since then.

alinaandjared · September 2009

JBDamon I thought it was just us, but honestly, it sounds like this is more or less "normal" I quickly got off my high thrown (and hid) after our wedding because I really didn't think this would happen with OUR guests- I mean, its really ok, I am NOT looking for a gift, I am absolutely not gift grabby but I love cards- have all of my enagement shower, graduation cards etc. our list is 3 bridesmaids, 3 groomsman (1 is my friend, 1 is his, and one is his cousin) and my doc who purchased a gorgeous gift from our registry 2 weeks before the wedding and did not bring a card to the wedding so I am scared its lost, how do you tell people that? I guess you don't. there is also FI's cousin + her husband of about 6 years..- the sibling of the groomsman that did not bring a card. year or not, I am not expecting anything so I will send a thank you card thanking them for celebrating, etc. it really was a magical day and all of these people mean a lot to me and we are glad they were there!

JBDamonM · September 2009

I am with you on the card!!! It really stings with DH's siblings though - b/c it was the same way

Even when his parents threw us an engagement party - only 1 of the 4 gave us a card..... It's just SELFISH!

kimlovesyou · September 2009

I find it mind blowing that someone can go to a wedding and not bring or give the bride/groom anything!!! Even if you just a bring a card it shows that they thought of you. Not bringing anything just shows me laziness and being very inconsiderate and rude. My thinking is, even if you are broke and can't really afford it, a simple card and/or frame would do. Just something to show they thought of you! CRAZINESS!! Also, with people saying you have one year to give a gift, redicolous! why would you wait a year?!

banana468 · September 2009

Some people aren't card people - just remember that. For those who say the card is a sign that the person thought of you, I'll buy that if the person didn't attend. If the person was AT your wedding then by BEING at your wedding (AND they're probably well-dressed for it) they're showing that they care for you.Now if someone were to post on here about how she doesn't want to give a wedding gift or how she wants to wait for over a year to give one, I'd say it's not appropriate either. Cheapness is not an attractive trait at all. You never truly know how much money someone has though even if all appearances point to them being wealthy. Presuming can backfire big time. And look at the big picture and rather than dwell on those who didn't give you gifts, enjoy the ones you have from those who did give you a present - and enjoy the fact that you're married!

alinaandjared · September 2009

thanks Banana! We are leaving on our honeymoon TODAY

(still not dwelling on gifts- don't care about gifts- care about cards!

banana468 · September 2009

Enjoy your honeymoon!! :-)

starrbuck

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