Future mother in law hates me!

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:20da3058-d4c5-40dd-b76a-68a36379383a">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : If this is a troll she has managed to infuriate me more than any other. I spent a good part of today chasing her on other threads telling OPs not to listen to her ridiculous answers because she has no idea what she's talking about. Most trolls at least have the common decency to stay under their own bridge. <strong>And the night I got engaged, I was otherwise occupied with more fun activities than pissing off the FILs and internet talks. We didn't even tell anyone we were engaged until the next afternoon when we finally forced ourselves out of bed.</strong>
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
Bwahaha! So true. We got engaged on an afternoon, and we called all of my immediate family to tell them on the way home, but everyone else found out the next morning.

Soon2BMrsClay · November 2010

I get that you "know". Believe me, I do. I first met my FI when I was 17 and we started dating when we were 18 and I knew back then that I loved this person and wanted to be with him forever.

HOWEVER.

We both wanted to complete university and get ourselves settled in our careers and be financially stable before we wanted to take on a marriage.

So we waited. Now, 7 years later when we are now both 25, we decided to get engaged (and I got a beautiful ring that he would not have been able to afford at 18

). Let me just say that making it to 7 years later was not easy, it was hard work because you grow and change so much between the ages of 18 and 25.

If you are really meant to be together, trust me, you will stay together. So why not wait until you're done college, have a stable career, have a steady income and have a clear idea of where you want to go in life before settling into a marriage?

You'll never regret waiting.

faithisabellasmom · November 2010

If nothing else, our little turtle is amusing! Of course, her posts are poisonous like Facebook games and have already sucked in WAY more attention than they should have! Time to go back to responsibilities ... you know the one's adults have. Jobs, bills, children ... all that craziness! ;-)

But before I go, I will add that I love all you sarcastic women on here! You've made my day!

And whoops, ok, one more thing to add before I go ..... in response to one of your posts earlier, Turtle, on this thread or one of the many others you seem to be inserting yourself into, only an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD would be immature enough to argue their adulthood. Only 18 year olds actually think they are adults! The rest of us KNOW from experience that at 18 we were CHILDREN.

But, as I said before, this craziness can't be real. This poster has got to be some creep in his mom's basement or something else just as odd. Seriously!!! It just doesn't add up. But if she is real, I wonder if her daddy would like to invest in a marriage that will actually last. I could do a LOT with $10,000. ;-)

[Deleted User] · November 2010

Sorry, I hate to burst your bubble, but absolutely agree with every other mature post here, but what no one else has said is that frankly what you're experiencing isn't love so much as lust. Until you're mature enough to have gone through some of life's uglies, you are not ready for a lifetime commitment and, if you really mean you don't believe in divorce, that could be one very long, unhappy lifetime. Living together may help. Living together isn't about cuddling in front of the fireplace; actually you won't be able to afford the fireplace anyway on a high school grad's salary. I would be willing to bet that life will get pretty grim very quickly in your little love nest.

Money is usually one of the biggies for a very young couple, but this is another hard one to explain; cabin fever happens to the best of couples. My fiance and I were housebound this winter for about four days due to a blizzard, and at the end of those four days, neither of us liked the other very much, and we've been together for 19 years. Yes, I love him dearly, but there are moments when oh dear God does he get on my nerves and those are moments (days?) you just power through.

All of us could go on forever because we were all 18 once and madly in lust. Now we cringe to think of what our live's would be like if we had married those 18 year old boys we were so in "love" with. Your fiance's mother doesn't hate you; she just knows what the future holds if you do get married.

Don't even begin planning this fantasy wedding yet. It's a long time away and you will hit the wedding wall (that moment when you just can't think anymore about menus, favors, dresses, etc) way too early. Also if the romance doesn't make it to the altar, you don't want a non-returnable dress, etc to worry about.

I'm not even convinced from what I've read here that you're mature enough to handle the aggravations of planning a wedding. There is a lot of people pleasing, scheduling, coordinating and working with professionals to get through and frankly you're not off to a very good start. One example: I have read a number of posts from young brides who feel abandoned because the wedding coordinator isn't returning her 15 daily phone calls. It doesn't occur to them that their wedding is one of probably hundreds of events she is dealing with. She is a professional and will speak to you when necessary but she cannot hold your hand every minute of every day for six months because YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED; you're just not that special or important to her. I don't think you can handle this until you lose a lot of this it's all about me and MY SPECIAL DAY.

missfarar · November 2010

I read through all of the posts to see if anyone agreed with OP. Ironically (well, actually...its not ironic at all), no one did. Let me tell my story and maybe if 500 others go ahead, she might get the point.

I met my FI just after I turned 16. We were really good friends, talked on the phone all the time, but neither of us were mature enough to be in the relationship we needed to be in. I moved 4 hours away for college a year and a half later, and met a guy the first week there. We dated casually for about a year and a half before making our relationship exclusive. A year later we moved in together because he was the one. By the end of our one year lease, all I wanted was OUT. I did love him, thought he was my best friend, etc...but we didn't "grow" together as I thought we would. After the break up, FI was there to pick up the pieces of my world. After a year of dating again, we decided that we cannot live without one another.

This is just an example of how people change in the 18-25 age range. I'll be almost 24 and he'll be almost 25 when we get married, we needed the 4 years apart to grow and learn how to be independent adults. I'm not saying you need to be apart from your FI, but don't rush or push the relationship. This kind of reminds me of some of the girls on MTV's "Teen Mom". I wouldn't say "Engaged and Underage" because it seemed like those girls had more of a handle (not much) on what they were getting themselves into.

I wish you luck, but seriously....consider waiting a few more years to move in together or get married. Know who and what you are getting yourself into before you're committed for (a possibly unhappy) life or until divorce.

ETA: I thought this was interesting:
My oldest sister just went to her 10 year high school reunion. She and my brother in law are the ONLY couple still married that were high school sweethearts. That may not sound too crazy, except for the fact that there were over 700 people in their graduating class. It just goes to show that it is very hard to maintain a marriage in the early adult years, please be prepared for that.

mandi921vh · November 2010

When I was 18 I had a boyfriend I loved. 6 months into our relationship we had already talked about marriage, however we had planned to wait to get engaged/married until after we graduated from college. We didn't make it until then because I realized he was a dirtbag.

To the OP all I have to say is SERIOUSLY?

sessionswedding · November 2010

I got engaged when I was 18 to a guy I had been dating for almost 2 years. A year and a half later, we broke it off. Now that I am a college graduate with a career, I am engaged to a MUCH better man, and we are getting married. I KNOW that I love him, partly because I have had a chance to be in relationships where all we had was lust and not love, and partly because I am old enough to know what love is.

ETA: @lavieboheme73 , I think you're my reincarnated grandmother. Or aunt or something. You sound like so many of the women in my family, lol. I feel like I should hug you or something.

cddkbs · November 2010

greenturtlelove: Have you considered doing some counseling with your fiance and maybe with the future in-laws? It might show the future in-laws that you are serious about the MARRIAGE and not just the wedding day. Wedding planning is fun, but it is also a lot of work. It is a lot easier if both sets of parents are willing to help. I'm not talking about money- I'm talking about emotional and planning support. It may not be that your FMIL "hates" you, but maybe she just needs respect, time, and space...and honestly, she deserves that.

greenturtlelove · November 2010

Thanks for all the answers, even though you weren't really nice after reading everyones stuff I can kinda see where my fiance's mom is coming from. I'm obviously not in pre-marital counseling yet since we JUST got engaged!!! But we do plan on starting very soon, it;s not like we don't have time. I don;t appreciate being called a troll, I wasn't calling you names when I was responding to you and I would expect a little more "maturity" from people who make it a point to "appear" more mature than myself. If you are as old as you say than maybe you should put your big girl pants on and behave as such.

mysticl · November 2010

Greenturtle: When they call you a troll they aren't calling you names. It means they believe that you aren't real. That you created a profile and are posting as a character you made up and not talking about your real life/experiences.

DanielleZZ · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:3179b537-efdb-4198-afff-1f2665cfe6e8">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are both 18 and are adults now so I don't see the problem, we aren't kids anymore. I accidentally picked 2013 and I don't know how to change it, we are getting married in 2012. I don't see why I can't get a dress now or at least try them on I'm excited about getting married and having a big party isn't everyone?
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE

I went dress shopping 2 weeks after he proposed and bought one, 18 months before the wedding. now i am 4 months out and still love my dress, i think you can start looking whenever you want!!!

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:6125d9c0-d9a2-445d-8128-5ddde7c7a009">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : [QUOTE]We are both 18 and are adults now so I don't see the problem, we aren't kids anymore. I accidentally picked 2013 and I don't know how to change it, we are getting married in 2012. I don't see why I can't get a dress now or at least try them on I'm excited about getting married and having a big party isn't everyone? Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE I went dress shopping 2 weeks after he proposed and bought one, 18 months before the wedding. now i am 4 months out and still love my dress, i think you can start looking whenever you want!!!
Posted by DanielleZZ[/QUOTE]
Comprehension fail, honey. She's confessed to troll-hood. None of this actually happened.

sba41485 · November 2010

its unfortunate that you believe that you think that you KNOW what you will want for the rest of your life. Your lack of age is shown greatly in your immature views on life.

All of the advice that every one of these woman have said is sound, which you would be smart to listen to, which you wont, because you are yound and think you know whats best. Yes you are an adult, so you are able to vote, buy cigarettes and gamble. It is far from meaning that you have stopping maturing.

You came to this board to find a group of woman that would agree with you and tell you that you are making a good choice, and that your FMIL is wrong and should butt out. What you found is actual good advice that you seeminly contine to argue because you think you are right and we are wrong.

You have yet to know who you are yet. The years between 18-25 change a person. Those are the years that allow you to grow and finally realize what it means to be a muture adult. Not only you, but your fiance as well.

Instead of a engagement and planning a wedding, what about a promise to each other to wait until you both expirance what life is? If you are so committed and you know you want to be together, why rush something that can be an enjoyable thing for all involved when the time is right?

Fall2013 · November 2010

I believe that someone can be married young and it can last. The trouble with this is that you have to have all the right ingredients if you will. You both have to be determined, you both have to be open and honest in your communication with each other, and you both have to be on the same page.

A lot of women on here have said you change from 18 to 25. You also change from 25 to 35 and to 45 as well....what keeps a relationship going is always ensuring that you both have the same desires and goals in life. Your goals will change throughout the years, and you have to ensure that you both are supportive of each toher and always having open communication.

And just a tip....don't get carried away about the wedding. Whether you spend $1,000 or $100,000 on getting married, at the end of the day the result is still the same...you are married to each other. Don't let yourself get caught up with this wedding over the next 2 years and ignore signs that the relationship is crumbling. I've seen this happen to people of all ages.

Fall2013 · November 2010

And to add to my last post....I really think that while a young marriage is possible, doesn't mean its the best thing to do. I do know that there are people out there who made it work....but guess what, it wasn't fun. Your younger years should be fun and focused on building YOUR life.

I don't like being a negative nancy and shooting you down on this but I do think it would be a good idea to start a career for yourself first.

betti_page · November 2010

hrmm... I just dont know how i feel about this one. Yes, it sucks that on one of the happiest days of your life, your future MIL breaks down into tears because YOU are about to marry her son... However, i totally get her view on it too. This is her baby. She isnt ready for her BABY to get married yet. I am sure that she has always envisioned what her son's wedding would be like once he was a grown MAN, which he isnt yet. There are things in the next ten years that are going to completely change who you are as a person, as well as him. You deserve to experiance all this as a free individual. Live together, have a nice loooooong engagement. Cause, your parents may be paying for the whole ceremony, but you my dear will be paying for the divorce.

I wish you both the best of luck!

pattie412 · May 2011

I am sorry that rather than rejoicing in her son's happiness she chose to cry. I have been on both sides of the coin here. A daughter in law and now a mother in law.

Focus in on your fiancee not on what his family says or does. And HE should equally show his with you by not allowing hurtful, mean cruel things said to you. If he does not then honey he will not ever. I learned that hard way.

Best to you, hopefully his mother will apologize and rejoice with you both.

Future mother in law hates me!

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