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November 2011 Weddings

Feeling Frustrated About Everything

My FI and I are getting married on 11-11-11. Granted, that is still a while off, but I feel we should start planning now. At least decide on who we'd like to invite and set a budget, also start looking for venues. My FI doesn't want to plan anything yet, because "we've still got lots of time, we'll figure something out." I feel like I'm alone in planning everything. I've never planned a wedding before, and I don't have anyone to help me. So I joined this website, and started posting in these message boards hoping to at least find online support, but all I have found is hostility in the other threads. The only board that seems supportive is this one consisting of other November 2011 brides. So I guess I will just stick to posting in here. I'm feeling very discouraged about this whole wedding thing. My FI and I have already been engaged 2 1/2 years, and he still doesn't want to talk about the wedding. I'm surprised we set the date for next year. I'm just wondering how long I should tolerate his unwillingness to discuss wedding plans. Because November 2011 will come fast. I do not want to have to rush-plan everything at the last minute, or wind up having to get married at the courthouse. By the time we get married, our engagement will have lasted almost 4 years. I believe I deserve a wedding after waiting that long. Every now and then he'll toss out an idea or two, but that's about it. He actually told me once that that's all we should be doing right now, tossing around ideas now and then. I don't think he comprehends that some things require booking about a year in advance. I know he doesn't like to plan anything because all his plans have fallen through in the past, but geez. I'm in the midst of trying to switch careers and plan a wedding that he doesn't seem to want to help out with. I'm feeling very, very frustrated! :(
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"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." --The Beatles

Re: Feeling Frustrated About Everything

  • I think you should start gathering info for things you want... Venues, flowers, cake etc, then present him with what you found.  He has to start getting involved eventually, good luck!
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  • HaylaCHaylaC member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments
    i thi nk he just doesnt have a concpet of how long it can take to actually plan and organise a big event.  you at least need to book your venues as i think your date is really popular, judging by the 5 million odd others on here with 11/11/11.  Explain that if you dont do that you'll loose the date.

    once that is done you can relax and just gahter ideas and shop around, researcing quotes etc is still part of planning, you dont need him ti help you do that and by the time he's ready you'll have everything in place to just go ahead and start booking stuff.
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  • The thing is, we still have separate bank accounts and I don't want the financial responsibility for our wedding to fall soley on me. I believe we should be paying for it together. He makes way more than I do, and as we've been pretty much splitting the cost of everything in half during our relationship, I feel it's only fair we shair equal costs for our wedding. I have been looking around for venue ideas and other things I like.But in all fairness, I wouldn't feel comfortable booking a  venue and paying for it by myself. It would be weird going to the FI and say "OK you need to reimburse me this amount..." If that makes sense.  It would really help me out if I knew how big our wedding is going to be- if it's small enough I might ask a relative if we can have it at their place. But if he's planning on inviting a bunch of his friends or biological family, then we'd have to book a separate venue.
    I've asked him to at least start thinking of a list of people he'd like to invite, but don't know if he'll start doing it or not. Men can be so frustrating!
    Thank you for your advice and support though. :)
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    "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." --The Beatles
  • I completely understand where you are coming from. I think guys have no concept of how long it takes to plan a wedding, all the planning and time and work that goes into planning a wedding, and how quickly the time will go by. We are getting married on 11-11-11 also and we booked the church and our reception site. But I had to make appointments to go see reception halls and I called the church. If I waited for him we would still have nothing done. I think that's just how guys are and they don't get excited about weddings like we do. When we went to our reception site to get a tour and talk about what is included and everything, he sat there and didn't really say much except to ask about the price. I think in the end guys aren't worried or concerned with the wedding. Your fiance just wants to be married to you, obviously. They don't spend years envisioning their wedding day, the colors, the food, the music etc. Just take charge, set appointments to see reception sites or whatever else you want to do and tell him. That's what I did and it worked.

    As for the seperate bank accounts, my fiance and I still have seperate bank accounts but we are linked to each other's accounts. We can access each other's online and transfer money back and forth. I also have a seperate savings account just for the wedding that we put money into every month. I know it took a while for my fiance to accept how much our wedding is going to cost but seeing our savings helped him accept it.

    Don't worry! Hang in there! I think a lot of guys are like this, mine included. Just sit him down, tell him how you are feeling, and that you would like to see him get at least a little excited about planning. After we put the deposit on our reception site, I asked my fiance a million times if he was excited about it because I couldn't tell if he was! Good luck! Don't worry he will come to his senses soon!
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  • My FI is the same way. Just getting him to talk about colors today was like pulling his teeth, always changing the subject....arg. THEN he gets mad when I make a decision and he isn't included in it, because he feels like he is being pushed out of the wedding planning, which isn't it, he just doesn't like to talk about it!!! sorry! vent//

    But luckily he had his heart set on a venue before we were even engaged, but I am paying for it. I like the idea of me being able to pay for this one big thing to start it off and then he will realize how committed I am to this. Some people buy dresses for this, but I don't want to buy a dress so far in advance. 

    A lot of the time it is just me DIYing something, or looking at pictures asking him if he likes the idea, and sometimes he will give me input...He'll come around. It helped when I told him all the other 11.11.11 girls on the board had their venues and photographers and DJs and everything all settled... maybe try that? 

  • I agree with all these girls. We chose 11/11/11 and didn't come to that decision until we were engaged for 9 months. We just merely talked about having it on 11/11/11. At first I got a little worried that he was too scared or wasn't concerned with picking a date. But I just sat down with him and explained that wedding planning is a long process, but stayed sweet and tolerant with him and explained that being a girl, I'm not only excited but need to start the process. It turned out he just really didn't have any clue what planning a wedding really entails, and he thought that we had "plenty of time". Most guys just don't know! To us women, it's just "general knowledge" because we think about our wedding day our whole lives, and we pay attention to other weddings also. What we need to remember is that guys just don't think like that. I reassured him that I will be picking most of the details since I'm a girl and I love this stuff, but let him know that he will need to give his input or opinions when I really need him to. Since then he's been excited about the upcoming day and what fun ideas we're coming up with.
    Our duty as the bride is to try to be tolerant of the wedding-planning-ignorance of our bethrothed. They don't mean any harm, they just don't think about the details of the day itself, just what the day signifies. They just need our patience and guidance in this new territory of planning a wedding! Good luck to you both! Smile
  • I told my FI that I only plan on getting married once, and I want this day to be right. Like the other ladies have stated. He may not have a clue on how long this will take. My FI had no idea.
    I am looking at venues narrowing down our choices, and then after I have narrowed it down to a managable amount of venues that won't make him go crazy, I'll bring them to him.
    I did ask him to estimate the number of guest just so I can get an accurate quote from the potential vendors. I also asked him about the colors. (Which I couldn't stand.) So we compromised. And now I am gathering ideas and just going about it that way.
    The only thing that I am ADAMANT about is getting the reception venue. Other than that, I can wait til we have a year to go. (Although i almost have all it planned.)
    Just take a deep breath and continue to gather your ideas. At some point make sure you point out the time it takes to plan a wedding.

    Hang in there!!!
  • edited July 2010
    Like everybody else has said, it's all men. We're doing 11.11.11 too, and since it's a popular date [obviously] I started planning right away. Luckily, my fiance is a planner too, so he didn't think it was weird or odd or anything like that, but he really had no idea the amount of details there are. Like when I asked him if he had a song in mind for our first dance, he gave me a blank stare and was like, oh, uh....They just don't think about  things like that. Just start planning colors and general things like that and you can go from there. Once you have colors, it will make picking flowers and dresses easier.

    The way it's working for us is I'm pretty much doing all the planning, and once I have it all picked out, I'll ask him what he thinks. Like, I had the colors picked out before we got engaged. I had my bridesmaids dresses narrowed down to two choices. I shosed him pictures online and asked which, of the two, he liked better. He picked the one I liked better too, so it was like he had input.

    It's a lot of work, and a lot of frustration, but there would be more if you waited later. Maybe make a rough budget to show him how much it's going to cost and that way he'll see that you two need to start saving/making payments now. I mean, a photographer alone can cost thousands of dollars, and that's not even a quarter of the venue cost [usually]. Maybe put him in charge of something small so he gets a taste of how much work is involved. I hope it all works out for you. If you need to vent, you can always come here!
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