Mother in Law madness!

Lanyer · September 2009

My MOH asked me to develop a guest list for my shower and I shared this list with my future mother in law. I informed her that I was planning to invite both of grooms grandmothers but I wasn't sure about inviting his step grandmother (they don't really get along) and I wanted her opinion. She didn't answer my question about step grandmother but made it clear that all of FI's aunts and female cousins on both sides of his family expect to be invited and if I don't invite them all many people will have hurt feelings and be very upset. Most of these people live several hours away and in the 9 years FI and I have been together I have met most of them a total of 3 or 4 times. I explained to her that I had expected to have only our closest friends and family at shower but she is insisting. Having her throw an additional shower is not an option as she has already offered to host rehearsal dinner and then called FI claiming we didn't care about her and were only using her for her money for the dinner. She came to this conclusion when FI didn't give her a hug when he left her house after a short visit. If I invite these people I will have over 50 people at the shower and I don't think that is fair to my bridesmaids. Anyone have any advice about how to handle this?

kmmssg · September 2009

Tell FMIL that your MOH has not budgeted for such a large group and you will not impose on her this way. Let her know MOH can accomodate xx amount of guests and it is no longer up for discussion. If she wants these people invited she can host a shower. She will have to come to that conclusion on her own. Your FI should probably step in and tell her - "Mom, MOH is hosting a party and we will not increase the guest list so dramatically and impose upon her. We are inviting the g'ma's and everyone else will have to understand. We are not going to spend MOH's money for her." He could probably also tell her that if it is that important to invite these people, she should consider hosting a shower also.In many circles it is frowned upon when one of the mom's hosts the shower, but in many others it is widely accepted. Follow what is accepted in yours.

Lanyer · September 2009

kmmssg thank you for your comment. FMIL did offer to host a shower but I do believe that is not appropriate and she is also not very reliable. It took weeks for me to get the addresses from her for her side of the family for invites and she finally gave them to me 3 days before they needed to be mailed out, after several requests and reminders. She also gets upset about not being involved in the wedding (she got mad when I didn't tell her that the bridesmaid dresses came in) but when we accept her offers to help out in any way she claims we are "using" her. I know complaining isn't very constructive and I am trying to be sensative to the fact that for parents weddings can create a lot of mixed feelings but I am having trouble being patient at this point. FI doesn't even think distant aunts/cousins expect to be invited but that she is just trying to make everything about "her" family.

dianenjnj · September 2009

try to take a more positive attitude about this. i know that sometimes il's request invitation be sent to far away relatives because that's how it is done within their family...not that they truly expect them to attend, but just be kept in the loop.really, people that are far away will most likely not be able to attend, but might want to send a gift anyway. don't fret.

smh8809 · September 2009

I had the same, exact problem except for one twist.After we got engaged my MIL adamantly told me she wasn't going to throw a shower because none of her family would come into town. I said that was fine and we would invite the local aunt/cousin and grandma to the shower my aunt was throwing. My MIL was ok with that and we all moved on. Fast forward to the spring (we got engaged late summer) and she's freaking out about her family not being included. It was hell as she kept calling me in near hysterics about her family being left out (and again, she made the decision herself not to include them). I stayed strong and didn't budge (really couldn't, I wasn't throwing the shower). My husband told her she couldn't call me for a week and one of her sisters ended up throwing a shower (don't know if she was coerced).Long story short--your MOH can only accomodate so many people. You are choosing to fill that number with close friends and immediate family. I agree with you that it is not fair to your MOH to invite a huge number of people as showers can get expensive (having thrown a few myself). If the extended family is upset (and they might not be, I find my MIL exagerates these things) that is your choice. People will get their feathers ruffled about a lot of random things related to weddings.If you MIL holds paying for the rehearsal dinner over your heads, don't bite! Worse case scenario she decides not to pay and you can have something simple in your backyard. However, if she threatens with pulling the money and you agree to do things her way this will set a precedent for your whole marriage.

Leah&Christian09 · September 2009

Exactly like kmm said. Tell her that your shower host simply isn't prepared to host that many people, and it won't be possible to invite them. Done.

trix1223 · September 2009

ditto stage. It's not your decision whether she's "reliable" enough to host a shower. She's says she's hosting, you graciously thank her.If she flakes out and a shower doesn't happen, it doesn't reflect on you at all. It is completely a reflection on your FMIL. So let her "plan" the shower. If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, so what?Remember: you can't control other people's (like your FMIL) actions. You can only control how you respond to their actions.

Lanyer · September 2009

To StageManager14: It is not appropriate for her to host for three reasons:1. It can be frowned upon for family members to host showers as this can be seen as a ploy to get gifts, doesn't make a lot of sense because showers often involve gifts anyway but that is how it is seen.2. In this case FMIL already holds any "help" she provides related to the wedding over our heads and becomes easily offended and threatens to back out of any commitments she has made. 3. She also has demonstrated on many occasions that she is not very reliable. In the past she has thrown parties she cannot afford and has had to cancel at the last minute. FI and I are saving money for the rehearsal dinner she plans to host because we are afraid she will tell us the day of that she won't be able to cover it. We have been very sensative to her budget and stayed in the price range she indicated but even so we are ready just in case. Thank you for your question. I don't mean to sound mean, I do believe she has good intentions (most of the time) I just think she has some unrealistic expectations. It can be frusterating but in the end I get to marry the right guy for me and all this extra stuff is just that.

rlyttle · September 2009

I really feel for you! I also have a difficult MIL, but I stand my ground with her and I don't let her take advantage of me. I figure that if she is going to be in your life forever, especially when you have kids, she can't feel that she can manipulate your situation. I would tell her that your MOH can't have that many people and she is welcome to have a party "no gifts" at some other point. And leave it at that.

t_siemens · September 2009

In my circle, only those invited to the wedding are invited to the showers. Granted if someone, who's not invited to the wedding and knows they won't be invited to the wedding, hears about the shower and wishes to give a gift then that's fine. It's their choice. But formally inviting someone to the shower who's not invited to the wedding looks like a gift-grab.So question, will they be invited to the wedding? If so, you can't really stop your FMIL from having another shower in your honour. As difficult as it may be, it's really not your choice. This is something she wants to do for you and her son. If they aren't invited then that's an out for you. You can tell her that you don't want to look rude/greedy as they won't be attending the wedding.

bablingbrooke · September 2009

A family member throwing a shower isn't a universal no-no. In my circle it's very common for the bride's aunt(s) to throw one, which was the case for my shower and my BFF's.

tentwoten · September 2009

If she's saying childish things like "you don't care about me!" then I doubt anything will make her happy, but I would insist that she help your MOH host the shower if she wants to invite all those people. And by host I mean help pay for it, not just stand around and look pretty.

linzlou83 · September 2009

Both my mom and my FMIL hosted showers for me. My mom was more than willing to host a shower for all of FI's family and mine combined, but FMIL wanted to do her own thing and be the envy/center of attention for her family. Ditto to PP that it's not uncommon where we live and people give gifts at showers no matter who's hosting them. Showers are gift grabbers my nature.FMIL also proceeded to remind me constantly how much the shower cost her, both in time and money, and actually had the nerve to tell FI that I didn't seem the least bit grateful. It was a surprise shower and the fact that I was sweaty and nasty and not really prepared to greet all of FI's family in their Sunday best didn't matter. I still smiled, hugged, screamed delight and shed tears of joy. Apparently it wasn't enough.It didn't stop with the shower, it's gone on to the rehearsal dinner and pretty much everything that she has been involved in since the beginning. I never realized how worked up people get about weddings. FI and I are really laid back and every inch of planning has been a joy, except for where she's concerned. So I really don't have much advice except for stand your ground and don't let things bother you. No matter how hard you try to make everyone happy, they won't be, so stop trying.

Lanyer · September 2009

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate them. Someone asked about all the family being invited to the wedding and the answer is yes they are. They are actually taking the place of some people FI and I would much rather have there but we know we'll never hear the end of it if we don't invite them so we had planned for that. My problems with FMIL hosting are that it really is not considered appropriate where I live and I feel I'd be really uncomfortable as I really don't know his family well at all. I could honestly run into half his cousins and aunts on the street and not recongnize them. I think if people have to be introduced to you at your own shower they don't belong there. FI is in support of drawing a hard line with FMIL and we are going to tell her we just can't have them at the shower. I also agree with the point that I can't please everyone all the time. It is impossible and stressful. FI and I have marveled at how we have had drama with so many people but none with each other, I guess that is a good sign for the actual marriage, which is the point of all this anyway. Ahhh sometimes this wedding stuff gets so crazy you just have to laugh.

Nikkiesix · September 2009

I feel that somtimes we become obsessed with "etiquete". I think that if someone is coming from the heart on a genuine basis, than all is fair game. I have an issue with all these RULES!! Whos paying, not paying, coming, not coming, blah, blah, blah. Ladies, we have enough stress to deal with! My mom hosted my shower. I had no problem with that and neither did my bridesmaids. It saved them alot of money. A shower, ladies, lets admit it , the bottom line: is for Gifts! What else is it for????

jchapman330 · September 2009

Ok, honestly, its FI's mother, FI needs to deal with it. That is what we have done from the start. FI deals with his mother and there has been NO drama at all. If FMIL's think they can divide the couple, they will try. If FMIL's think that they can run over the bride without her son saying anything she sure will. I honestly would have FI deal with it and tell her that its not possible, she is way less likely to cause drama if he tells her like it is.

mizdiz444 · September 2009

I took a "NO DRAMA" stance on my wedding from the beginning. I had no choice because I was planning a wedding in only 5 months. I stayed out of the shower planning because I really didn't have time but it ended up my mom, two sisters (both MOH's), and his mom and sister did one big shower together so no one is financially obligated to throw the whole thing. It seems to be working out fine. (Shower is this weekend). The only drama with that was all the obligitory invites we had to send out for people who won't bother to come, but will complain about not being invited. (Long story short, they were sent anyway)Sorry your FMIL is such a drama queen, just try not to feed into it and let it upset you. In my case, the sisters are the drama queens and since I didn't let myself get sucked into any of it, they have since stopped with their shenanigans. Good luck and I know everything will work out in the end for you. Just remember, the bottom line is you and your fiance are getting married and spending your life together. When you're 80, you won't be talking about your bridal shower, you will be talking about the wonderful moments you've shared together!!!!

Lanyer · September 2009

Thanks everyone. FI and I talked to FMIL. She isn't happy about it but she is accepting that it is our decision who to invite to the shower and she is being much better about it than I expected. I got to give her credit for that. Thanks again for all of your advice and help.

Julia O'Brien · October 2009

Lanyer, this is amazingly similar to what I'm currently going through. The only difference is that My MOH asked me for a guest list and I made one without consulting anyone

I made a list of all friends and relatives that I had a personal relationship with and thought nothing more of it. Small Intimate affair, fun, old-fashioned, all the ladies there that I love most in the world, including FMIL and a few of her friends that I have grown to know over the years since I've been with my FI. Shower is this Sunday, and I rec'd notice 2 days ago (through the grapevine might I add - not directly from the source even) that there is DRAMA over the guest list b/c a few relatives and friends of my FMIL (who I do not even know, even though they are invited to the wedding) were not invited and they are now "not talking" to my FMIL b/c of it. So, I've been asked to send out apology letters to these individuals, which I will happily do. All I can say is, that there is no way to keep everyone happy. No matter how much you think you are making the right decisions, no matter how hard you try to keep everyone happy.. there will always be something, someone, that just can't be. So try not to stress over it. Easier said than done, I know... but try to enjoy the happy things and forget the rest.

Lanyer · October 2009

Okay girls so my shower is this coming Saturday and this issue has finally been resolved in the most perfect way. I had sent out an invite list to my Maid and Matron of honor. They had the list of people I wanted there and I also sent them a list with all of FMIL's recommended guests because they wanted to see if it was workable, this was before I had made a final decision not to invite them. Well lists got confused and invites ended up going out to all the relatives FMIL had insisted upon. Want to know how many of these VIP guests of FMIL's are coming? Zero! According to FMIL they were going to be so insulted if not invited and they would all be honored to attend and they would certaintly make a point to come and now none of them are coming. It really works out perfectly because no ones feelings are hurt and bridal party isn't burdened with a crazy number of guests. Just thought some people might appreciate the situation. Here is wishing all bridal drama has such a fairytale ending for all of us.

Mother in Law madness!

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