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what to call FMIL

SHAWNEE31SHAWNEE31
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in Moms and Maids
Hello, My FMIL lives in a former British colony so my Fiancé calls her mumsie in fact so does all of his friends/family. I do not think it is disrespectful commons sense says she is not my mom. We are not of the same culture. My mom asked me what did I plan on calling her I said mumsie.   My mom went crazy and gave me a lecture about my dads mom said to call her mom and my mom replied I have a mother and will not do  such thing. My mom’s mom was pound of my mom.    I think it is stupid. My mom and my FMIL will never be in the same state really how it is disrespectful to my mom to call my FMIL mumsie or mum. My mom said I do not understand because I do not have children. I tried explaining to her I will be the only person not calling her mumsie even the neighbor calls her mumsie. Your thoughts…  
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Re: what to call FMIL

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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I told my children-in-law that they could call me mom, trix, Mrs.**-whatever made them the most comfortable. They call me mom. I call my MIL mom and my DH calls my father "Dad". He also called my mother "Mom". I frankly don't see it as disrespectful to me for my kids to call their in-laws mom and dad. I have enough confidence in myself to know that my kids love me and are not replacing me by calling their in-laws "Mom". I think it is respectful of the wishes of their in-laws. FWIW: after my mom died a couple months ago, I wrote a thank you note to my MIL and told her that while I missed my mom terribly, I'm glad I still have a mom I can go to.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom wouldn't care but I find it disrespectful to my own mother that my MIL wants me to refer to her as "mom."  I already have a mom and IMO that title is reserved for her, the woman that raised me, not the woman that raised my husband.With that being said, I wouldn't knowingly ever do anything to hurt my mom so I'm not sure why it is such a big deal to just call your FI's mom by her first name.  I mean it sounds like a nickname more than anything else but why make things uncomfortable with your mother over a name?My mom probably would care if I called MIL mom, but, it bothers me.  I call MIL by her first name.
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    SHAWNEE31SHAWNEE31
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    MY FMIL 's name is not mumsie its like saying mommy or mother over here in England and former English colonies they say mum or mumsie. Noone calls people old enough to be our parents by their first name in his or our families.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    MY FMIL 's name is not mumsie its like saying mommy or mother over here in England and former English colonies they say mum or mumsie.Yes, I understand that-mumsie is the equivalent of mother, which is why I understand why she would be upset.  My point was I understand why your mother would be upset by you calling another women the equivalent of "mom."  I refuse to call my MIL mom because I think it is disrespectful to my actual mother.  I don't feel that anyone else deserves that title except my mother.But, then again, if they don't interact I'm not sure why you have to talk about it with her at all.  Just call your mumsie whatever you want and leave your mom out of it.  Why can't you call her by her first name?  Why does it HAVE to be mumsie?  I wouldn't think it would be worth it to start a fight with your mom over something so easily to control.
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    SHAWNEE31SHAWNEE31
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    hello duckie, I am slow sorry. Thank you for giving me my moms insight . Now I call my FMIL nothing or I say lets see grandma because usually  have her grandson around however  I figure the day will come when I do not have one of my FH nephews around.  I was thinking it would be a non-issue since she does not live in the US nor speaks english well and I do not live in the same state as my mom, however with the wedding coming up i realized it was an issue.
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are welcome but I can't give myself credit for being a mom, I'm not.  My reasons were from the point of view of a daughter that thinks it is disrespectful to call another person "mom."Trix is a mom though, and has very good points.
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    ffmaidffmaid
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In most cases it is not disrespectful. However your mom has let you know that she would be hurt by your calling your fmil mummsy. To hurt your mom in that way is not nice even if her reaction is well over the top. Why not call your fmil by her first name? That way mom is not hurt and you address your fmil by something acurate and casual. She is not and will not be your mum so mum is not really acurate as a title anyway
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    TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am not a mom but was just recently married.  In all honesty, there is absolutely no right or wrong answer to this question.  Some people would be mad, some wouldn't.  I personally find it some what disprespectful to my own mom.  My FMIL wants me to call them mom and dad. In cards and stuff, I write, Mom P. But I think it would be dumb to say hi Mom P.  I don't know.  It's weird. they've never said to me, call me John or something though, so it's like Mr. and Mrs. XYZ or Mom and dad?  I would never expect my SIL or DIL to call me mom, but I guess I wouldn't be offended either. If it were me, I would call her mumsie and tell my mom that hey, at least you're not atually calling her "mom." 
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    mob2006mob2006 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am a mother and I think your mother is being overly sensitive.  I would have no problem with either of my married kids calling their MILs "mom" if they wanted to.  It doesn't mean they think any less of me as their mom.  I'd be happy they are fitting in well enough with their spouse's family to call their MIL "mom".  Your mother needs to understand she is not the only "mom" in the picture anymore.  I also think "mumsie" is cute and quite unlike what we call mothers in the U.S.  If you want to call your FMIL that, do it.  Just let your mom know you love her as much as ever but you have two families now. 
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    shellysmomshellysmom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ask you mother these questions.  How many grandmothers do you have?  And how many aunts?  Remind her it is just a word!  Besides she will never have to hear you call FMIL anything.  Just be sure to refer to her in another way when talking about her to your mom.  My first MIL is 23 yrs older than me.  I call her by her first name.  My second MIL was 41 years older than me.  I started off calling her Grandma X and ended up callig her mom. Never did call her by her first name.  She wouldn't have liked that. I wouldn't discuss it with your mother again. Just smile and nod and do what you want.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    shellysmom:  great point about the number of grandmothers and aunts.  And truch:  I'm not being argumentative, but you wrote, after saying you're not a mom yet, "I would never expect my SIL or DIL to call me mom, but I guess I wouldn't be offended either."I respectfully suggest that you don't know what you might or might not do 25-30 years from now.  I remember thinking 25 years ago, 'Ill never....." But things change, sometimes in ways you never think they will.  And that's okay.There's that old saying "We make plans, and God laughs."
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Trix - I understand what you are saying, however I guess my only point is that I would never expect anyone to call me something like Mom.  It's a very personal decision.  My son or daughter in law can truly call me whatever they want.  I wouldn't be offended either way and I don't think it's fair to forcefully make someone call you mom.
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree with your mom. I've never called my MIL "mom." I've called her by her first name exactly ONCE, when we were in a restaurant and she came back from the bathroom and turned the wrong way - I was the only one facing that way to see her, so I called to her. Period. This is a non-issue that you are making into an issue. Just don't call her by any name at all. I don't and that's worked great for me for nearly 10 years.
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    dianenjnjdianenjnj member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    call her whatever is comfortable for you...as far as your mom is concerned...lie...she'll never know!
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Long standing agreement in my family on this.My parents called their ILs by their first names and that set the precident.  My mom adored her MIL but that was not her mother.For my daugher, ILs are by their first name, never mom or dad.  She already has those.I had a mother and a father and they are deceased.  No one else is entitled to that form of address.
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