African American Weddings

Booshie and Selfish (kinda long)

I was thinking that I might get a rise out of you ladies when I tell you about this interesting conversation I had with my doctor.  My doctor is African American and just all around pretty cool.  I have just recently started going to him and we are getting to know each other a lil better.I mentioned I am getting married next July and he asks if I am marrying the gentlemen that usually aaccompanies  me to my appointment. I say Yes and he smiles and seems very excited until... He asks where are you getting married. my answer: Negril, Jamaica.  His response: Are you serious? (with his eyebrows raised and mouth frowned)  How can you do that to your parents? I asked do what to my parents and I dont understand his response.  Well Ladies, He proceeds to tell me that I am booshie and selfish. And how I need to research the history of weddings because young people nowadays seem to think that weddings are all about them. He then explains to me that alot of people contributed to my upbringing and by choosing to have my ceremony in Jamaica, I have now deprived them of witnessing this monumental moment in my life. Therefore, alienating myself from those who love and care about me.  He says that the marriage ceremony is not about the couple, but its about the people who love and care about them that attend the ceremony to offer their love, support, and come bearing gifts.   I wanted to know what you ladies think about this point of view.
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Re: Booshie and Selfish (kinda long)

  • edited December 2011
    LMBO!!! Is he for real? Well truthfully the wedding is about the bride & groom!!! Well is it still selfish when someone goes to the JOP instead? Look this wedding is what you guys want, you can not change your dreams on what others financial situation might limit them to. If there's a will, there's a way they can be there. They will understand.


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  • edited December 2011
    How old is this dr?


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  • edited December 2011
    Oh Lord...I hate this kind! J/K. Here goes: I have to agree with the good dr. on a few things. I do believe the people that contributed to your upbringing should be allowed to witness the union of you and your FI. It just seems right to me. I also would say u may be a tad bit selfish b/c in this instance you're thinking it's all about you and what you and FI want. With that said, I don't know the situation of you and FI's parents, if they'll be going, if not, why they won't be going. If they can get to Jamaica and boogie down, great. If they can't because of poor health or money constraints, I'd say it's a bit selfish. P and I's first plan was a DW. It would've been great; however, my parents are 73, never flown, not about to start, and are in poor health. My dad is on Oxygen and they never would've made it. Our second thought was to do it on the cruise ship before it leaves the port. That would've been a 1 hour drive each way for them. Still a huge inconvenience for them. Third idea was to have the wedding Nov 14 or 21, 2009. Pops health kept declining so we moved it up to March. I done everything I could to ensure my parents would be there because that was very important to me. With that said, NO TWO PEOPLE OR SITUATIONS ARE ALIKE. Please don't cyper slap me! LOL. I know I would've regretted going through with the wedding P and I really wanted - the DW. Now that it's all done and over with...i have no regrets. We had the wedding, my parents and older relatives were there and we still got our destination in on the HM. Please don't think I'm judging u b/c I'm not. It's just my POV. Now with ALL THAT said, I think Doc was out of line in laying it down like that. I mean...who asked him?
  • apiffanynowapiffanynow member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    mahoganieyes- I sooo feel you. I asked him the same question about the JOP- his reply " we're not talking about that".   and I also feel you on the "if they are paying for it" part.  Ain't noboby offered to pay a penny (forget a dime)  I believe the dr is in his sixties!the cat- me and Fi knew our parents would not be able to afford it.  We included packages for our parents in our budget when we began planning for the DW wedding. As  for the other great aunts and uncles we planned to do a small ceremony where we will exchange vows before the reception starts.  So that everyone can witness our commitment first hand and get all warm and toasty inside.   
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  • edited December 2011
    well then i don't get it. where's the selfish part he's referring to? it seems like you've been more than accomadating. doc might be mad cuz u didn't invite him! he wanna get to jamaica for some excitement.
  • EliNickEliNick member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You should've told him that the reason you chose Negril, Jamaica is so that people like HIM would not be able to come.
  • apiffanynowapiffanynow member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Cat-LMBO yea actually I think he does wanna go! Elinick-your so right! Thats EXACTLY why
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  • edited December 2011
    I can understand what he is saying but I don't think that he should have said it to you. Can he provide you with the money to have this wedding that he thinks that you should have? If he can't then he should have nothing to say. Some people think that when they become "cool" they can say whatever they feel like out of their mouths. You have your wedding in Jamaica as you have planned and don't second guess it. At the end of the day, it is about you and your FI and the people who love you the most will be there.
    Lovin Kimmie
  • edited December 2011
    So [email protected] Kim Rhone! If this what makes you happy, then ppl will understand.


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  • OFFOFF
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    edited December 2011
    I don't understand where this man comes off giving you advice on how to live your life. He's your doctor not your mama. I can't believe he would have the gall to say that. What is it about weddings that people think you actually want or care to listen to their opinion? And who is he to say who you wanted there? Maybe you didn't want everybody and their grandma and pookie too to come to your wedding. Maybe you wanted it small and intimate. The day is about you and your fi and the love you share and the life you are starting. It's up to the two of you to make it like you want whether that is close to home or a DW. I'd find a less condescending, opinionated, rude doctor.
  • edited December 2011
    I disagree with him saying that. It's not really any of his business. But, saying that, my FI and I are having the wedding we're having more for our parents than for ourselves. If we could (w/out hurting them) we would've gladly gone off on an extended vacation and gotten married on our own. I think everyone has their own family dynamics though. Not all families are close and not everyones families are that into weddings. It's just a personal choice for each couple to decided what's best for them.
  • edited December 2011
    I love it when folks talk tradition! Ha... Tradition says, the wedding is tailored to the preferences of the person/people paying for it. Which is why many moons ago, it was such a huge deal for the mother of the bride to plan the wedding... heck, she and her hubby were the ones paying for it... I'm starting to think that's why so many couples have opted to take the reigns on the checkbook. He wasn't wrong for having his thoughts, maybe he got burned by his own daughter or is a just staunch traditionalist... However he was dead wrong for providing an unsolicited opinion. Unasked for advice is criticism. Personally, that would've been my prompt to transfer my paperwork to another doc. No one has time for that.
  • Panda16Panda16 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    WOW! I'm getting married in Jamaica and I did hear something along those lines from someone (can't even remember who because I didn't pay attention to it). My parents had their qualms about it... part of which I didn't get since they are Jamaican. My dad's main issue was that not everyone would be able to come. So??I mean ppl who you truly want there will be there. It's not your doctor's business but I guess everyone has an opinion about things now-a-days.It's understandable what he said but let's say you had the wedding at home to compromise and some of the ppl you hoped would show, couldn't or just didn't? Now, how would that feel?
  • edited December 2011
    He was wrong...you do whats best for you and the people that love you will understand...bottom line. Not to mention it seems that you are doing everything you can to have your parents involved by paying for them to come...girl they are going to love it!!!! Seein their baby get married in Jamaica and a family vacation...I was going to get married in the Bahamas at first and planned on paying for my immediate fam to go (moms and two siblings) and they are hella pumped. They were actually upset when I cancelled the DW cause thats the only way they would've been able to go to Jamaica ;)
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  • edited December 2011
    excuse all the typos in my post...but you get it...haha
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  • edited December 2011
    Selfish my azz. This wedding is all about me and my husband to be. Especially since we paying for 99.9 percent of it.  Quiet as its kept ask my fiance he'll tell you its really all about me. LOL. Seriously though he was out of line for that. He should've kept that to himself. Nobody's coming to our wedding. Now noone has said anything along those lines but they have been suprised that some people including my parents are not going. Especially because we are so close. 2 of my best friends respect my wishes and didn't say anything. 1 of my BFF's is having a fit and trying her hardest to infiltrate. But I think for her its more because her azz always wants to go somewhere and wants to go to Jamaica. But anyway the reason I didn't invite anyone is because I initially wanted us to have that alone time. I didn't want to worry about guests or anything after I say "I do". I know my family and friends and they would not let me truly enjoy my honeymoon period. Also because we changed our plans at the last minute and with this recession (and the bulk of my family being in po' Michigan) I really didn't want to put the strain on them to say, we changed our minds we are getting married in 5 months, and have them try to come up with the money. I just really didn't want to deal with all that. My grandparents can't travel. I knew my parents wouldn't really be able to afford it because my dad has been sick and has been off of work.Were setting it up to play the video at the reception, so they actually only missing the wedding ceremony in person. They'll have every bit of the reception including me putting on that dress again if I can get in it because I'm planning on getting my All Inclusive On!
  • apiffanynowapiffanynow member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I definetly agree with all the pp. And I definetly agree with the fact that he could've kept his opinionsto hisself. But you all know how older black folk are. I agree with the post talking about how back in the day mommy and daddy paid for it all.  As new generations are born those unwritten rules and traditions change an will continue to change.
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  • trevette1981trevette1981 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would have laughed in his face for thinking he can make suggestions on who I am as a person.I don't think it's alienating people from your life. How are you doing that to your family? Maybe if they refuse to talk to you ever again, but that would be silly. I understand people may want to see you and feel sad, but you can't live your life for other people. I know my sweetie and I originally wanted to go to an island, but I changed my mind. Well, my grandma made me change my mind. Not with guilt trips, those don't work on me, but she's getting sick and I'd like her to see me. I think if she was healthy as she used to be a few years ago, I wouldn't feel the same.But then, I'm considered a rebel.lol
  • edited December 2011
    Hmmmmmmm. There are a lot of people especially older people who share the opinion of your doctor. This is just my opinion so I hope no one is offended. Destination weddings have become popular and people have them for all kinds of reasons. We had a DW in August and it was the best thing we could have done. I'm from OH and DH is from ME and we live in Cali. We chose to have a DW on the east coast so that people wouldn't have to spend as much on travel. We understood that not everyone would be able to attend and we didn't make people feel guilty for it. My Mom was initially a hater but she came around and had the time of her life. How often do you get to vacation with your adult children their SOs, grandchildren, and other extended family and friends? The wedding ceremony is about the union between two people. Through that union two families are joined. I think that it's nice that your Dr. is trying to have a personal relationship with you but there is a fine line and I do think he crossed it when he called you selfish. Had he framed it just a little differently and asked if you if you thought it was selfish it may have been a little different. The truth is he probably got caught up in a father figure role issue ( a little transference) and talked to you as he would his own child. Nobody's perfect but and I personally don't think this is a reason in and of itself to see another Dr. but I would pay very close attention to how he speaks to you in the future and how focused he is on your health vs. your personal life because you overall health should be a priority to him. Lecturing you on the selfishness of a DW is the last thing he should have been doing. He should have been asking you how the planning is going, stress, sleep, nutrition, vaccines, etc.
  • edited December 2011
    That was a bit odd for your Dr to tell you that but in some ways I agree. I am Jewish and family plays a big part in our ceremony, from both parents walking you down the isle to the vows. Having said that, weddings are about the bride and groom, but your married life is a huge part of both families. As much as people like to say you are marrying the man, not the family, you do marry the family by marrying the man that the family raised. I think as Americans, we've gotten away from the collective aspect of life and focus more on the individual pursuits and happiness. Having a multi-cultural upbringing gave me the priviledge to be raised more family oriented instead of all about myself alot of the time.I think his intentions were good, the delivery was a bit off though.
  • edited December 2011
    Did the Dr. really call you bougie and selfish? Lawd... We do not pay them to insult us. I would have been mortified. Not because of what he said but the boldness of him feeling cocky enough to tell me this to my face. But I do have to agreee with him on a couple of points. DW do somewhat deprive the people who love and care about you from being at the most important and joyous day of your life. Not everyone can afford to travel abroad, no matter how cost effective the trip may be. Right now in this day and time it is not in most people's budget and honestly not everyone is going to make it. This wedding is about the the BRIDE AND GROOM essentially but the reflection of love is with family and friends being there for the bride and groom is also an important element. And bearing gifts is not a prerequisite of that fact. What you and your FI want to do is ultimately on you two because it is what you want and have planned for. But what would you do if your parents, and other close relatives you love dearly couldn't make it? How would that make you feel? I think he was trying to convey that to you but he definitely went the wrong way about doing it. Don't let that conversation deter you from your original plans. I hope and pray that all those who you love and love you dearly are able to share in your day.   
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  • edited December 2011
    Please excuse me if i repeat but i didnt read all post but this post does hit home for me. in my opinion Doctor, mother, aunt, grandma etc.  has no say in where u have ur wedding. everyone had a say in what, where, and when FI and i should have our wedding and  who should be invited for example my mother told me its nice to have my friends there but her c0-worker will give better gifts. my grandma told me i have to invite my uncle n aunt WHY just because they are family but all my life because my father was good for nothing they told me i was  going to be good for nothing and when  i graduated form college my uncle made sure he told everyone what he thought. so  forgive me when i say hell yeah i am selfish. No one is helping us pay for this wedding so we gave everyone  a whole yr to get their money together n if u cant do it hey it must not b that important to u.  People may feel like well wait until u can affford to pay for a wedding nyc. so now i am suppose to begin my life just for them. hell no They crazy, i love everyone who has help make me the women i am  but doing so they taught me to be happy. so my happy butt will b in st. lucia with bells on and best thing is i am going to come home debt free so in case someone health does fail, or loses their job or has a DW i can help or be there. so u enjoy ur day because it is about u and FI. who can come will come !! sorry its long.. can u tell i'm going through the same thing. lol... gl...hth
  • edited December 2011
    I disagree that the wedding is about the family and not about the couple, so I think that he went a little far with that statement.  However, I agree with his point that going away makes it difficult for those who love you to share in your day (unless they are all going to be there).  For me, for example, I have numerous very close relatives, like my Grandmother, who probably could not attend if I got married far from where she lives or on an island.  Fortunately, she lives in Atlanta with me. LOL.  However, it is very important to me that my family be there so we've increased the guest list and are going to bear the financial burden to do so.  Everyone's family is not as close so it may not matter as much.  For that reason, his statement was a little sweeping and a little bit of an overgeneralization b/c 1. he doesn't know that your family *cannot* come (maybe they can come) and 2. maybe you and your family are not close and either, they would not come, or you would not care if they did not come.  For example, I know someone who got married in the islands and only her brother came.  Well, her Mother was deceased and she did not get along with her Dad and he would not have come if the wedding was down the street!  Therefore, the doc's statement would have not been accurate for her.  Have it wherever you want to have it.  Yes, doing so is a little "me-centric" but I am of the opinion that being me-centric sometimes is not all bad.  We have to learn to live for ourselves also.
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