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August 2009 Weddings

Anyone feeling advisey? (long)

Sorry I keep coming here with friend-related problems and vents... but it really is helpful to have some objective opinions.Anyway some of you may remember the friend I "broke up" with a few months ago. Basically, I was sick of her because every time we made plans, something more important would always come up on her end and I'd be postponed several times before we actually got together. The last time she tried to make plans with me, I finally told her that I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I don't think she understood my point, so she just wrote me off as being a crappy friend.Here's the question/advice part:I've seen her twice since this incident, because we have a mutual friend who occasionally invites us both to parties like her birthday, or her baby shower this weekend. She has her own circle and I have mine, but we all know each other because we went to HS together. I feel really bad for our friends who must feel really awkward having to sit there and watch us avoid each other every time we're in the same room. We'll probably continue to run into each other every now and then because of this mutual friend.So I started thinking, for the sake of our friends, I'm willing to reach out to her and say, hey we ought to at least be civil to each other because otherwise we're putting our friends in a tough spot. I don't really *want* to apologize because she didn't get my point about why I was dumping her, but I'm willing to suck it up and do it if necessary.Do you think I should do it? Would it make things worse? If so, how should I word it? Should I apologize or stop short of apologizing?
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Re: Anyone feeling advisey? (long)

  • Now that the wedding is behind you, it may be worth the effort of reaching out and talking things over with her. Try to see what her point of view was at the time and explain to her why you did what you did. See how it goes and if she still responds negatively, then at least you know where you stand with her and that you made the effort to reach out. Hope that helps :)
    Joseph Michael - 12/22/2010
    5lbs 9 oz, 18.5 inches long
    6 months: 16lbs 15 oz, 27 inches long

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  • One of the things I hate more than anything is being misunderstood. It sounds like this friend was too self-absorbed to get that the "break up" was because she was the lame one, not you. If I were in this situation, I would not apologize, since you really have nothing to apologize for. And it doesn't sound like she will care what this is doing to the friends, since that doesn't affect her. I really think if you brought this up to the friend that she would not act any differently (after all, she thinks she's done nothing wrong), so it would just be you, struggling to make this thing work, putting you back at square one, which is what had you stressed out in the first place. Just don't talk smack about her to the friends (I assume you're not anyways), and it will be fine. I know some of my friends don't get along all that well, but as long as they don't suck me into the drama, I really have no issue with hanging out with them together. Geez that was long, but hopefully it helps some.
  • okay, I didn't read any of the other responses yet, but I went through a similar falling out with a good friend around this time last year so I wanted to give you my advice. you may remember when I lost my matron of honor? yeah. that one. ex-friend and I were to the point of not speaking at all, and she even went as low as to bad mouth me to other people. and then I guess she had a change of heart a few months later and emailed me and apologized. I told her that I couldn't accept her apology and I could not forgive her because of the nasty things she said, but that I could be civil with her while we're out with friends, and that I didn't hate her... I just didn't want to put any more effort into a friendship that I knew wouldn't work out in the end. so while I think that it's definitely possible for you to be civil with her in public, you don't need to apologize to her. you did nothing wrong that calls for an apology. I would just say something to the effect of "hey, I know we've had our differences, but I think we should at least be civil to one another while we're out with our friends for their sake. it's not fair for them to feel awkward just because we're two different people..." and go from there. I don't know what kind of friendship you had with her, but I think that could work.
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  • I don't think you need to apologize either. I also don't know that you need to say "let's be civil and not avoid each other in public"... why not just be civil? If you start talking to her in a crowded room, is she going to turn away?
  • good point, kaesha. just maybe try to strike up a conversation the next time you guys are out and about. if she ignores you or is weird about it, then it's obviously HER that has the issue of not being able to be civil... and then your friends can blame her for that awkwardness.
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    TTC since October 2010 | BFP 12/29/11 | RRQ BORN 08/26/12
    planned | married | blogged
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  • Yeah I think you guys are right, I think I'll just leave it be. It'll probably be another few months at least before I see her again. I'll prepare myself to be able to talk to her but if she avoids me completely (as she's been doing), there's probably not much more I can/should do.
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    Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
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