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Parent fight - long post

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Re: Parent fight - long post

  • NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    First Comment
    She thinks she should have more because she's full of the crazy.  Your FI needs to sack up and tell his mom to knock this sh*t off. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Let me get this straight on the guest list front:  Your FI gets to invite the family and friends that he feels are appropriate to be there and FMIL is allowed a table full of guests that are to her choosing.  I assume that 'her' guests are not family or family friends that overlap FI's guest list but are people that she wants there for HER...correct?Beyond that, she's not offering a dime and mandating that YOU two do things for HER?And beyond that, she's insulting you and calling you the bad one?WHERE ON THIS EARTH IS YOUR FI???  This WILL NOT CHANGE once you two are married.  If he doesn't say to her now, "Mom, that's woman I'm marrying and she's not going away," what do you think will happen when you two are married?The larger issue here IMO is that he's letting you be the bad one while looking sweet and innocent to her. 
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  • sarabellamsarabellam member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Given that she knows your parents only get 8-10 "friends" invitations, and at the risk of sounding cliche, it sounds like you have more of a FI problem than you do a FMIL problem. You are concerned that she will turn on the waterworks and he will back down again. Are you prepared to be second place behind his mother for your married life?
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    She doesn't insult me in front of him.  Only over the phone or when he's not around.  He has told her to tone it down and that she is out of line but it hasn't stopped.  Guest lists for her don't overlap with family guests that FI wants.I think I just needed validation that I am not a biotch and that I wasn't being a bridezilla.
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  • NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    First Comment
    Are you prepared to be second place behind his mother for your married life? This times fifty billion.
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  • NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    First Comment
    He has told her to tone it downTone it down??  Really?  "Hey mom, tone down the insulting my future wife please."  How about "Hey mom, knock it off or you'll be spending the wedding watching TV in your living room."Seriously, I'd get a message machine, let it hit the machine when she calls, then answer it.  And let the machine record your conversation, so you can play it back to him later and he can hear first hand how BSC his mom is.  Or, have him pick up the other line when y'all are talking and let him hear it.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    He has told her to tone it down and that she is out of line but it hasn't stopped. Then his actions are saying he condones the behavior.Yes, I agree she's BSC.  However in order to deal with her, BOTH of you need to be on the same page.  He needs to be a united front WITH you letting her know that a remark to you is a remark to him.Ditto the others that you don't give in to buying her dress or expanding her guest list.  However beyond that I highly recommend seeking professional therapy on how you two will handle your future dealings with her.  Manipulative, demanding and hurtful mothers will not stop being that way when you become the wife...and if anything the problems will only get worse.
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Your dad shouldn't be the one talking to Madam BSC. Your FI should be doing that as it's his mother. Tell your FI to talk to his mom^THIS  1000x
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    No she was told to tone it down as in "Mom, it's not your party, just come and be happy for us.  You need to get a grip and realize that I am getting married, I am not your baby anymore, I am 30 years old.  I am not your husband, if you feel you want a new one go find one."
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  • *BeachBride0410**BeachBride0410* member
    First Comment
    I think I just needed validation that I am not a biotch and that I wasn't being a bridezilla.Validation granted!
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    No she was told to tone it down as in "Mom, it's not your party, just come and be happy for us. You need to get a grip and realize that I am getting married, I am not your baby anymore, I am 30 years old. I am not your husband, if you feel you want a new one go find one."This was at wedding counseling/therapy session.  Counselor approved of FI.
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I am not your husband, if you feel you want a new one go find one."Ok - I love him for this.  Also - all I can picture is Hoyt's mother from True Blood.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    Tide - on a side note I love your siggy pic.But FI totally agrees she is BSC, we just are at wits end with her.  So we are on the same page as a couple, have already decided to live more than 30 minutes away from her because she won't drive to come see us and we can easily say sorry, we can't come over because we are too busy, tired from work, etc.
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  • NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    First Comment
    If he's stood up to her and she keeps doing it then he has to make a choice - does he want to continue communication with her or not?  Because if he tells her to knock it off, but she doesn't and he just keeps on going, she knows she doesn't have to because there will be no consequences for her actions.  If he says "Knock it off or I'm leaving/hanging up/etc" and then DOES it, she will know there are consequences.  Talk is great, but he has to follow through on his convictions.
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    *hugs*It's not being Bridezilla to believe that having your feelings and self-esteem stomped on and a heap of unnecessary blame tossed on your shoulders by FMIL is not okay.
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    Most recent talk of "I am not your husband" was last night and he is PO'd at her.  She has called 6 times today already my cell and his.  Neither of us answered, so I think things are changing, FI says he can't be pulled in two directions and she needs to understand that when he gave me the ring it was a public declaration that I come first. 
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you :) I was going to write some sort of wise, sage-like advice, but Nuggs saved me the trouble.  Listen to her. 
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    OK.  I interpreted your first statement as he shrugs when she won't stop.Kudos to both of you for seeing the counselor.Beyond that, all you can do is set up boundaries for her. "Mom, I can't talk to you if you're going to be like that."
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    Thanks apple.
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  • sarabellamsarabellam member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Okay, he's not the doormat I first thought. GL to you!
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  • meggs2311meggs2311 member
    First Comment
    Thanks for all the love and support.  I think after last night things will change, will keep all the knotties posted.
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