The Name Game

RaptorSLH · April 2012

I will be taking my FI's last name. I want us to share a name, he's more attached to his than I am to mine, I'm happy to do it, that part's non-negotiable. On the other hand, I HATE the idea of being "Mrs John Doe." I'm not giving up my identity to become an appendage with tits. That's non-negotiable.

Unfortunately, from what I've read "Mrs Jane Doe" implies that I'm divorced. Can anyone more familiar with the protocol here tell me if there is a "proper" way to keep my first name and take his last name? Or do I just get used to the idea of explaining myself?

pokepoke27 · April 2012

Uhm, I think you only have to worry about this for formal occasions when you will be Mr&Mrs. John Doe.

I've never heard of this being a problem. When I am introduced to someone I don't generally hear "This is Mrs. John Doe" - I hear "This is Jane Doe - John's wife" (if I know the husband - if I don't it's just "This is Jane Doe")

Edited for clarity. Proofreading fail >.<

lyndausvi · April 2012

I've been married for 3+ years and I have yet to be addressed Mrs DH LastName with the exception of it being combine on an invite (i.e. Mr and Mrs DH Lastname). Which I don't actually mind.

I know my 101 year old nana wanted to be addressed that way, but she is by far the exception. I think addressing woman Mrs DH Lastname is going by the way side.

Anysunrise · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fff99d12-a341-462c-8e92-beea03992a62Post:182a31af-ce0b-492a-aba2-3f5e3493372d">Re: The Name Game</a>:
[QUOTE]Uhm, I think you only have to worry about this for formal occasions when you will be Mr&Mrs. John Doe. I've never heard of this being a problem. When I meet a couple, I am not introduced to someone I don't generally hear "This is Mrs. John Doe" - I hear "This is Jane Doe - John's wife" (if I know the husband - if I don't it's just "This is Jane Doe")
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto all this.</div>

RaptorSLH · April 2012

[QUOTE]Uhm, I think you only have to worry about this for formal occasions when you will be Mr&Mrs. John Doe.
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's just it - I don't want to be Mrs John, formal or not.

</div>

pokepoke27 · April 2012

I don't see the big deal in an envelope that says Mr.&Mrs. John Doe. That is the only occasion in which I can see it happening. No one is going to actually call you Mrs. John Doe.

misshart00 · April 2012

I think it's just like the women who don't take their husbands last name and get called by it. If you get called Mrs. John Doe, politely correct them and move on.

Meegles4 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fff99d12-a341-462c-8e92-beea03992a62Post:f7e62605-2907-402a-8597-c87048bc179d">Re: The Name Game</a>:
[QUOTE]That's just it - I don't want to be Mrs John, formal or not.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

I don't really know how you can avoid this. If people ask how to refer to you before filling out their formal invitations or other formal paperwork, you can tell them "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe" or whatever you want.

But I know for my wedding, when it was married folks who shared a name, they were Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. I didn't ask every single person. Perhaps I broke an etiquette rule there and most people ask every single couple how they want to be addressed, but I sort of doubt it.

As PPs said, this isn't going to be a huge deal, except when it comes to the few formal invitations you're going to receive in your married life, and I can't think of how you'd possibly patrol that.'

ETA: I also agree with CMGr. I was raised to call adults Mr. and Mrs. Doe. My father was a military officer and my mother taught me those sorts of formalities. To this day, there are certain people that I knew as a child who I still call "Mrs. Doe" instead of Jane. However, never in my life have I called a woman "Mrs. John Doe".

RaptorSLH · April 2012

CMGr-

The fact that it wasn't meant as an insult doesn't mean it isn't - after all, the husband never becomes "Mr Jane Smith." The fact that it always, only, ever went one way says all that needs to be said about the balance of power inherant in the tradition. Respect and formal address explain "Mrs Lastname." They don't explain the choice of whose last name, nor the loss of her first name in situations where they still use his.

I'm taking his last name, not in deference to the days when a wife was property, but because, for a number of personal reasons, that is the combination that happens to work for us. I won't reject that choice because of the origins of a coninciding tradition, but I will not surrender my first name to that tradition, either.

As for your first request...traditional default settings buy someone courtesy when they are corrected the first time, but not unilateral permission to ignore such a request on an ongoing basis. You've never seemed the type to propose the latter, though, so I have no complaint about granting you the former

ThankfulSnail · April 2012

As PPs have said, you are very unlikely to be called Mrs. John Doe very often. The only time I can see this happening is on an invitation or other formal envelope. If you can't bear for that to happen on these few, infrequent occassions, then you don't take your FI's last name. There's no way to broadcast to anyone who may ever come in this kind of contact with you that you will be offended by this.

Kate61487 · April 2012

I too am not a fan of the "Mrs. John Doe", though in the "Mr & Mrs John Doe" format it doesn't totally bug me. I know it's only been 9 months, but I have yet to be addressed as Mrs. John Doe. Even on the two wedding invitations we've gotten it's been Mr & Mrs John & Jane Doe (probably because the brides, like me, don't plan to lose their first names either - I addressed my invitations this way as well).

However, there's absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it across the board. If someone addresses you in a way that makes you uncomfortable you correct them (just like if you weren't taking his name - people would still occassionally call you Mrs. Doe by mistake / assumption).

angryangry · April 2012

Just an idea-- if someone asks for your address (e.g., for a wedding invitation), you could say "Our address is 123 Main Street, and by the way, I prefer to be addressed as Ms. Jane Doe rather than Mrs. John Doe."

This is probably the main situation where it will come up.

mkrupar · April 2012

I never thought of my dad as a traditionalist, but my first birthday card after we were married was addressed to Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname. I was a little shocked seeing as it was coming from my own father, but it wasn't a big deal. I told him I thought it was strange, and this year it was addressed to myfirstname lastname. It should only take one correction for people to change. If someone's asking for your address for a forma invite, just be sure to write out:

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe
Address

jessicabessica · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fff99d12-a341-462c-8e92-beea03992a62Post:f7e62605-2907-402a-8597-c87048bc179d">Re: The Name Game</a>:
[QUOTE]That's just it - I don't want to be Mrs John, formal or not.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you just need to be prepared to be a little more easygoing about it. It happens. Two months after we got married, we attended a wedding and our escort card said Mr. and Mrs. DH, and I didn't change my name at all. I like PP's suggestion of including your preferred title when you give your address to someone, but otherwise I would just try to remember that no one means you any harm by doing it. Sure, it would be nice if others always checked to make sure they accomodated our name choices, but worse things have happened. </div>

The Name Game

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