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Upset and Disappointed - VENT

PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
in Michigan-Detroit
When I became engaged, Dan asked me not to put it on Facebook or announce it to anyone other than immediate family.  I did ask if I could tell my two aunts and he said ok.

The reasoning behing this was for the fact he has not said anything to his mom or brother as of yet (I've only met her three (3) times since we started dating).  I have no problem with that.

Yesterday I went outside and the neighbor was over chatting with my parents.  All of a sudden mom says to show Jenny my ring.  I didn't want to but mom insisted.

I was not ready to say anything outside of the family.  Hell, I haven't even told my two best friends of 40 years!

I guess I'm afraid that this will get out to a few others in the neighborhood and they will probably be expecting an invitation to the shower/wedding.

Mom has apologized twice but it still hurts.  I have tried very hard to be quiet about this as I do respect Dan.

Am I wrong to feel this way??
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Re: Upset and Disappointed - VENT

  • larzhopelarzhope member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are not wrong to feel what you feel, but I would advise you to let it go.  If this is the biggest bummer that happens during your engagement, then consider yourselves very lucky.  Unfortunately,  your mom just didn't think and she can't go back and undo it.  She clearly feels bad about it, so just accept her apology and move on.
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  • rcj2rcdrcj2rcd
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Once word is out, it's out. There is nothing that can be done. How long did you plan on waiting to tell Dan's family? If you wait any longer it'll seem like you're trying to hide something. It probably would have been best for you and him to tell your respective families immediately after you got engaged.

    As for people thinking they will get an invite - it happens all the time. If you do not have a guest list set, then DO NOT tell anyone they are invited or imply that they will receive an invite...even if they ask you. Just say "we are in the early stages of planning" and then change the subject.
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  • bltatabltata member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry this happened.  I told my parents one night and wanted to make the calls to grandparents and aunts/uncles the following day and my mom posted it on facebook 30 seconds after I walked out the door so it completely botched things.  I'm still not sure if my grandfather is okay with the whole thing.

    Sometimes it just happens and luckily the people in your neighborhood probably don't know your fi's family.
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  • jadabridejadabride member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    The reality is that it becomes very difficult to selectively choose a few people to tell the news and keep it quiet from everyone else.  Although your mother should have respected your wishes, she obviously is very excited and happy and just wants to share that joy.


    You also can never avoid people expecting to be invited that arent' unless you invite everyone you've ever met or elope.


    It seems the best bet at this point in time is to give the news to your FI's family and start moving on with the big event.


    Congratulations, and I hope everything works out.

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  • Mrs0toBeMrs0toBe member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Seems like your mom just got carried away.   It doesn't excuse what she did but I can understand it.  It sounds like she feels bad about it.   

    How long are you waiting to tell everyone?
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  • jolla92126jolla92126 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A secret's not a secret as soon as somebody knows it.

    How long does Dan plan on keeping your engagement a secret?
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  • Allycat11Allycat11
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just let it go, your mom clearly did not intend to upset you, she was probably just excited.

    I am concerned about why Dan wants to keep it a secret.  How long does he plan to hide this?
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    As I have said, Dan's mom has only seen me three times in two months.  My parents on the other hand have seen him about every week since February.

    I think that Dan wants his mom to get used to me - I mean how might you feel if you son said "Mom, I'm getting married!" and you've only met your FDIL a few times.

    I don't mind waiting for a bit and I'm hoping that by the end of September he will tell her (if she doesn't suspect something already!).
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  • jadabridejadabride member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    This obviously is a decision between the two of you, but he obviously loves you and knows he wants to marry you, so even though his mom has only seen you three times in two months, I think she needs to know rather than needing to "get used to you".  It may be a bit of a shock/surprise to her, but on the other hand, I don't necessarily think she'd like finding out you had been engaged two months before she found out.


    When I got married the first time, my mother had only met my FI once and it was a bit difficult to tell her, but for us it was the right thing to do.


    Obviously this is a decision for the two of you to make, but I personally think now that a few people have been told, it's time to come out with it.

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  • larzhopelarzhope member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Jada - if you guys are certain of your relationship and mature enough to get engaged, he needs to tell her.
    FWIW, I had only met my FI's parents twice before FI proposed (we live really far away).  Better for his mom to find out from you guys than the town gossip.
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  • jolla92126jolla92126 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_upset-disappointed-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:cc91ae66-646f-4ef8-9a48-9e441c8b06f2Post:34618bc2-029e-46b6-84c2-ff95e7e5752e">Re: Upset and Disappointed - VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]As I have said, Dan's mom has only seen me three times in two months.  My parents on the other hand have seen him about every week since February. I think that Dan wants his mom to get used to me - I mean how might you feel if you son said "Mom, I'm getting married!" and you've only met your FDIL a few times. I don't mind waiting for a bit and I'm hoping that by the end of September he will tell her (if she doesn't suspect something already!).
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

    It sounds like excuses; is he afraid his mom won't approve? (At our age?)

    ETA: Whoops, disregard the age comment, I thought I was on 40 plus brides! I get forgetful at my age...
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  • emarston1emarston1 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm confused about your wording about "she's only seen me three times in two months."  Does that mean she's seen you more outside that window?  Have you only been together two months?  I'm extremely confused.

    But regardless of that, he needs to tel her.  Soon.  The longer this goes on the more and more likely she'll find out from another source.  And she's going to be extremely hurt if she finds out from someone else other than her son.

    FWIW, DH found out his only brother was engaged via facebook.  DH was extremely hurt that he didn't find out from his brother and still resents him a little bit for it.

    Also, I think there is a huge difference between getting to know someone as someone's girlfriend and someone's fiance.  Give her the courtesy of knowing all the information upfront.
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  • Meegles4Meegles4 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I wholeheartedly agree with Jada.

    I hate to be the Negative Nancy, so I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say and if it comes across badly. I don't mean it to, but I do feel for you and feel bad you've had to keep this secret, even though you're OK with it.

    First, I get the impression that you have been hoping that Dan would tell his mom for some time now (I'm recalling past posts about going to visit her, etc.) This leads me to believe that you two have different expectations about how this engagement and announcement are going to work. That's not fair for you.

    Also, seeing his mom 3 times in 2 months is not that infrequent. Judging from your profile photo I assume you and Dan are more mature and independent (i.e. not 22 anymore), so in my mind your parents really don't need to be as big a part of the whole marriage thing. Sure, you want them to be supportive and you want them to like you and be happy about the wedding/marriage, but do they really need time to "get used to you"? You're adults and your decisions are your own. If for some crazy reason his mom doesn't want Dan to get married, oh well. He's his own man at this point in his life.

    It's time to spill the beans. I wouldn't blame your mom for what happened, she's just excited. I know you are too, so I give you a ton of credit for staying quiet. But you shouldn't have to. Also, you've already started planning and the days are ticking by. You're also posting on a public forum, so it's really not a secret. You never know who's lurking on here.

    Again, I know it sounds kinda harsh. And I know I don't know all the details. But from what I've seen from your posts the past few months, that's my two cents.

    Good luck!
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  • matuofmmatuofm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Meegles.  I know it sucks to ask a question and end up with your thread being jacked about something that people think you should do differently than you are.  But this is something that's concerned me for a while, and now that the topic's been breeched, I'm going to weigh in.

    I agree that it seems like you and Dan have different expectations about how this engagement is going to work.  If nothing else, if FI and I had agreed not to tell mom until she got used to me, we'd have a plan laid out - i.e. "after she's met you four times, we will tell her," not "whenever I feel like she's ready, we'll tell her."  You're being left out of this decision.  Sometimes allowing the other person to do what they need, even if it's an inconvenience to you, is noble and selfless.  But I believe that there are exceptions to that rule.  And I feel that any decision which involves allowing someone to hide how much they care about you for an indefinite period of time is not selfless; it's allowing yourself to be treated as less important than you are.

    (IMO) If Dan feels like it was a mistake not to introduce you sooner, then the answer isn't to hide your relationship for the amount of time that he should have been including you before he proposed.  The answer is to admit the mistake, apologize for the shock, and make the best of it, as a grownup does.  If he's truly confident in how wonderful you are, then he should feel that mom will grow to love you quickly and you'll all get past the shock.  If she's just particularly nasty (as we all know that some people are), and he's trying to lessen her unpleasant reaction, then I'd say this is a bad sign about how your relationship is going to work in the future - him bending over backwards to appease her and you getting shafted in the process.

    From your posts, it certainly seems that you are not truly okay with the state of things.  You want to be engaged, to be excited about being engaged, and to be vocal about being engaged.  And you have every right to be.  As long as he's hiding you, IMO he's saying that mom's feelings are more important than yours, and that's not fair to you - nor is it fair for you to be failing to tell him how you really feel about this.
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  • courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your FI can't hide the fact that you're engaged indefinitely, it's not fair that you have to stress over whether or not people are keeping it a secret or not because he's dragging his feet. FI and I told all of our families the night we got engaged so that we could change our statuses the next day and everyone important would already know.
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    When Dan asked me not to say anything (with the exception of immediate family and two aunts), I was ok with that.  I have one aunt with Alheimzer's (so I wouldn't know if she would remember not to say anything) and another aunt (SIL to my mom) that would have the word spread all over the state in less than one day!

    Dan will probably say something by the end of September (or at least that's the vibes I'm getting from him).
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  • jadabridejadabride member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Even if you feel it is necessary to delay telling his family, I strongly suggest that at a bare minimum you establish a real and definitive timeframe.  Your comment that he will "probably say something by the end of September" is very concerning.  That means you're looking at least at another 5-6 weeks, and even then it's not certain.  If the two of you are certain you want to get married and are certain about the engagement, this kind of delay seems unnecessary.  I know when I got engaged I wanted to scream from the rooftops and let everyone know.

    I think it's unfair to you that you have to keep this quiet for an uncertain amount of time.  Isn't this news you'd love to share with your best friends of 40 years?  Don't you think your mom is bursting at the seams to share this great news with people?  Getting engaged is one of life's greatest joys, and you're unable to fully get that enjoyment because of needing to keep it top secret.  IMHO you need to push Dan to set up a dinner or something along those lines with his family so the good news can be shared, and you need to have this happen sooner rather than later. 
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  • jolla92126jolla92126 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    To quote one of the greatest movies of all time: "Something is afoot at the Circle K."
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  • Mrs0toBeMrs0toBe member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So everything is on hold because his mom doesn't know you well enough?  That's it??

    Is he making any plans for you to see her more often in the coming weeks?  What is going to change between now and the end of September?

    I feel bad for you.  You should be able to be completely open and joyous about your engagement.   It's not something to hide.

    I hope everything gets resolved soon.
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