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March 2010 Weddings

My FI is freaking out (long)

Sorry all my posts are so long ladies - but this is a doozy.So I haven't spoken to FI in a while about the wedding - I don't want him to get "wedding'd out" - but I brought it up yesterday, since we have a couple "to-dos" to complete on his part (tuxes and the like). So he starts freaking out about a few things...(and when I say freaking out, I don't literally mean having a fit, much less dramatic than that)1) We had previously discussed the tuxes and gotten an idea online which ones he would want for himself and the GM. So when I bring it up yesterday, he said that he didn't want his GM to wear yellow vests (the color of the BM dresses). Would it look weird for the GM to have black vests/ties while the girls wear yellow (my BMs would probably kill me if the GM get to wear black and they don't though...)2) Our wedding, right now, is traditional - nothing crazy going on - which we both agreed on in the beginning. Now he feels like it won't reflect his personality, or that it will be too stuffy. (He is an artist)(and I don't think it will be stuffy). Any suggestions as how to make it not stuffy but keep the locations? He suggested hiring a juggling act - but I'm looking for something *slightly* more classy than that.3) He is now rethinking the date since his bosses birthday is on the same date - and as he puts it, he doesn't want to be in any way reminded of his boss when we are celebrating our anniverary. Ok. Fine. But I don't want to change the date of the wedding since everything is planned and I may loose a deposit or something (plus it would be a huge pain for something I don't consider to be that big of a deal - but he does). SO - he suggested we get married in Vegas on Valentines Day...then just have the wedding on the scheduled day. I wouldn't mind that - but I'm trying to gauge what others may think. Is that crazy?Help!

Re: My FI is freaking out (long)

  • Okay, I'm going to be honest with you here so just stay with me.  Have your GM in black vests.  To have them in yellow and your BM in yellow dresses reminds me of the prom when you could match dates based on the colors of the dresses to the vest the guys were wearing.  Who cares what your BM think... it's not their wedding, it's yours!  You picked the colors and said you wanted yellow dresses.  It's not like you're changing the colors of your wedding so therefore yellow dresses are what they should wear.  If he's an artist (I'm not sure which kind) maybe decorate the area with his artwork or his friends artwork to "jazz" up the place.And lastly, the fact that he wants to change the date based on his boss's birthday is absolutely ridiculous.  Who cares what date you guys get married... it's SOMEONES birthday SOMEWHERE.  My big in my sorority's birthday is our wedding date and FMIL's birthday is the day after our wedding and it's not affecting the date we chose.  Plus, his boss isn't even related to you guys so why is he even taking this into account?  I'm sorry if this comes across snarky, but I can't even fathom why he would let someone elses birthday influence your wedding date.
  • I agree with PP. Not sure how old your FI is but this all sounds very juvenile. 1. Have your GM in black. Would your BM's really care if they wore a black vest? I don't get it. The rest of them is black anyway. Are they upset about wearing yellow? If so, they need to get over it. That comes with the territory of being a BM. 2. A juggling act? That is odd. How about jazzing it up with a fun artistic dance from the two of you? 3. This is just weird. On his anniversary he is going to be obsessed with the fact that it is his boss's birthday?? What?? Don't change the date of your wedding for that reason, this is stupid. Don't go and get married on Valentine's Day and then come back for the scheduled day. People (family) will be pissed off that you did that and some may not show up. Because technically... it isn't a wedding. You would have to print your invitations to say "vow renewal".
  • Basically a huge DITTO to everything PP said.- Black never looks weird. Plus, within reason (ie. within the color scheme and level of formality of your wedding), he should get to choose what his GMs wear, just like you got to choose what your BMs wear.- You could add something to the reception that he'll like, or change the ceremony music to be less traditional/more "you". I think there are lots of options for personalization that fall short of changing locations!- Who cares? I'm sure all of us will at some point meet someone whose birthday falls on our anniversaries. Tell him he's being ridiculous! You chose this date for a lot of reasons that I'm sure are FAR more important than his boss' birthday.For the first two points, from what you've said, it sounds like he's making reasonable requests, and you can find a compromise. For the last, I really think he's wrong. I'm getting married in March in Chile and then having a US party in July, so I'm not against having a later celebration that's not technically a wedding. However I'm not calling it a wedding because it isn't (although we're wearing our wedding clothes again because people have told me they want to see us dressed up, plus I love my dress), and everyone knows that. Honestly, as a guest I think I'd find it strange to be invited to a wedding - I know you haven't sent out invites yet, but I'm sure you've talked about it with people - and then discover the couple eloped beforehand and it was actually just a party.
  • Yeah big ole ditto to what everyone has said.  My BMs are wearing navy blue.  While I'm ok with black tuxes next to navy blue dresses I don't like black tuxes w/ navy vests.  The guys will be wearing silver vests to go with the girls silver wraps & shoes.DO NOT change the date - sorry its just a stupid reason.   If you want to get married 2/14 ok - but what would your family say?  I know it shouldn't really matter but I know it would to me.To try to change things a little bit I'm going to see if we can take something out of the cocktail hour and replace with a fondue station later in the evening.  Something different that none of my friends have had.  Also depending on $$ as we get closer I'm thinking of a photobooth - again something different no one has done but could be alot of fun.
  • Sorry I meant to add something.  Is this even going to be his FOREVER job?  Not that it makes a difference but our generation is said to go thru 33 different jobs in our lifetime.  So basing changing your wedding date off the fact that it could be an ex-boss in a few years makes the situation even more ridiculous.Don't get married in Vegas in February and then have your "big day" in March.  Be straight up with your FI and tell him his excuse (because that is what it is) is absolutely absurd and he is acting like a child on this issue.
  • I seriously thought I was going to go insane with that one (changing the date) - but he was SO adamant about it I didn't know if I was the one that's crazy. I mean, I know he hates the guy, but still. I just don't want to get to the point of -if I won't get married before hand, and he refuses to get married on his bosses b-day, then there goes the whole thing. I hope I can talk some sense into him...
  • I would say pick your battles wisely. I agree with Melissa about using his talents as an artist to maybe "refletcct " more of his style but ultimately honey, the wedding is all about the girl...am I right? It is our childhood dream.  SO, allow him a little artistic creativity but also know that you have the last word. As for changing the date....don't. None of those are good reasons and you are wanting a traditional wedding right? Well, not to offend anyone, but in my opinion a Vegas wedding is no where near traditional. Valentine's Day is sweet but that's not what you are wanting right? Honey, you have got to just sit him down and discuss all of this...put your foot down about some things and others, let them slide. Vests don't have to match the dresses...mine aren't! My FI's vests are this incredible "Vintage Gold" color (Men's Warehouse) and my dresses are going to be black with that same Gold accent. Again, go with your gut. If you want yellow dresses that's what you should have, regardless of what he changes his vests to. I apologize if this sounds abrasive in any way, that is not how I mean for it to be. I am just trying to put myself in your position and speaking from what I would do. Obviously this is your wedding, your call.
  • Very true on changing jobs. Maybe that will help him see some sense.
  • whits- if he's going to throw this whole big stint about getting married on his boss's birthday and jeopardize the wedding because it happens to coincide with one another, i personally think there are bigger issues here.
  • SRWhitfield - no, nothing sounded abrasive...and I agree with what you (and everyone else) has said. I just don't know how to handle the date thing. The vests, I don't care so much if they are black. I've offered to let him have input on making the wedding more "him" (barring the jugglers though). But changing the date - I was trying to make him happy all the while neglecting my own feelings about it, or thinking I was wrong.  Looks like I'm the one that needs to be more assertive.
  • Sorry - didn't mean for everything to come out bold. And yes Misa - there may be bigger issues. At times, everything is perfect. Then other times, he starts worrying about getting married - he's been married before and obviously didn't work out. He continually assures me that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me - but that doesn't prevent him from freaking out every once in a while.This will probably pass. I'm hoping it's just jitters.
  • i hope the best for you two and you're able to sort everything out.  but please stand up for yourself on at least the date issue since that seems like the biggest and most absurd one of the three.
  • big ditto on the pp's. have the guys wear the black vests, that's not a big deal. have him be in charge of incorporating something artistic you two can agree on. don't change the date, that is ridiculous. for his boss's birthday? are you kidding me? if you feel you can't talk about the wedding with your FI and he has these absurd demands I think there are bigger issues here...but hey it's your life
  • My GM are wearing marine while the girls are wearing wine (the wedding colors). There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having them match. Plus, all that yellow might be a bit too much (whoever said prom was spot on!)I like the idea of having some of his artwork up. Maybe have him help pick out some decorations with you so he has some input and you can get a feel for what he's looking for.Screw the boss. Our wedding is the same day as my cousin's birthday and one of our guests. Tell FI he can change the date is he's willing to pay the deposit himself. That usually solves everything :)
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  • I guess everyone has already said most of it, but I'll throw in my two cents.  You guys really need to talk.  I'm a little worried that you felt the need to not talk to him too much about planning, and that you say "I will lose deposits" instead of "we."  Maybe he feels like you've made decisions without him?  I don't know, it's just a guess.It doesn't sound like he has reservations about marrying you - I mean, he wants to run to Vegas sooner than the wedding you're planning - but he does seem to be worried or unhappy about something here.  Maybe the wedding itself is not what he envisioned?To be honest, I'm not thrilled about the juggler idea, but if he wants it I would let him have it.  It's not too late to change things about the wedding to reflect his personality, but I wouldn't change the date for the reason he's given.If he's an artist, can he design the invitations, menus, escort cards, or a piece of art for the guests to sign?  Or pick music, decorations, etc?
  • Whits- I have to say that I understand your FI's issue. I was also married before and I have freaked a couple of times on my fi during our planning process. Its not that we don't want to get married or aren't happy we are trying it again. Its just the anxiety of the entire process. Will we make you happy, will we it work this time kind of thoughts. I know it sounds like cold feet but all it really is (to me anyway) is second guessing ourselves. Its obvious to me that he cares deeply for you and the fact he said he wanted to get married earlier shows it. Really IMO don't worry about what others THINK. Its all about what the TWO of you want. Will you be happy with this decision or regret it later? HTH P.S Try to be gentle with the conversation and let him know you are considering his feelings but, let him know yours as well. :) GL
  • I have included him in all aspects of the wedding, and defer to him before I put down any deposit or sign a contract. But lately, since we have mostly everything done, we haven't discussed wedding details too much. We've discussed being married etc, just not the actual day or plans for that day. And in fact, he was the one who originally stated that he wanted a traditional wedding since his first one was a rush - run to the JOP kind of thing. he also picked out/designed the invitations, chose the ceremony music - he even chose the colors for the wedding.But lysandramarie - you made me feel a lot better about him wanting to marry me. You are right - his suggestions were for prior to the wedding - he even suggested my birthday which is early December. I don't know the root of why he is using his boss b-day as an excuse. Except to say that he is a very honest person and I actually believe it really bothers him - although he will probably get over it.Oh - and the reason I said I will lose deposits is because I am paying for all wedding stuff (with my mom) - he is paying for honeymoon.
  • Hopefully he's just having a little anxiety more about the process than anything else - understandable if he's been through it once before. I think if you put forward all these points that people have brought up about the date change, he'll see sense.As far as PP who said that weddings are all about the bride, I have to say that I TOTALLY disagree. I think that's where 99% of problems come from in this whole process! Yes, it's fair to say that most women care more about the details, but this whole day is to celebrate the union of TWO of you - how does it make sense to plan a party that only reflects what one of you wants? I'm not saying you should now have a juggling themed wedding or anything, but it sounds like you're open to some changes so your FI feels like it's his party too, and that to me is how it should be. Good luck!
  • again - sorry for the bold. I double checked that it wasn't selected, but for some reason it wants to bold it anyway.Also - to clarify a few things...my FI is 36 - and yes, he can be immature (but, honestly, aren't all guys like that at times?). He is very sensitive (maybe even more so than me). And the juggler thing - I'm guessing that was an idea because he thought it would be funny and it would also take some focus off of him. I asked him what other ideas he has to make it more "him" - I don't think this day is all about me and want him to have fun and be comfortable too.I don't want anyone to think that I fell like I CAN'T talk to him about the wedding or being married. I was just trying to figure it all out - and I didn't know if I was crazy to feel weird about the boss b-day thing. (and I guess I wasn't crazy based on your responses)sparklyhandedbabydoll - thanks for the note. It's nice to hear that perspective and helps me understand a bit better.
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