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Need Help! weird situation...

Back story: My MOH has recently seperated from her husband. She moved back home and he is still living in a totally diffrent time zone. When she came back she started seeing this new guy (and no they are not even divorced yet). So in my personal opinion that is deffantly cheating. The dilema: I know I have a while to really start worrying about this but I don't know what to say to her. She has already mentioned bringing this new guy to the wedding as her guest. First off, this guy drives FI and I crazy. He is loud, annoying, and just straight up obnoxious. Second, I dont think its appropiate to bring the guy you are cheating on your husband with to a wedding. Its a totally oxymoron. Third, one of her husbands best friends is in our wedding party! How do I tell her without upsetting her that he is not invited to the wedding? I can't even use the exuse that only seriouse S/O's are invited. She already knows that we are letting everyone bring one.

Re: Need Help! weird situation...

  • Vikki2payVikki2pay member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would wait it out, a lot could happen between now and then.  By the time the wedding takes place she may not even be dating him.But really you don't get to choose who she can invite.  You may not like him or want him there, but if you are letting her bring a date, you really don't have a choice.  And with everything going on you won't even notice.
  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Vikki to just wait it out. This guy could just be a "rebound" guy and may fade off into the distance before the wedding. She's also right about you can't choose who she brings as her guest to the wedding. Extending an "and guest" invite is giving them the opportunity to choose who they'd like to accompany them to the wedding. But, is she technically cheating? I understand they're not divorced yet, but are they separated and in the divorce process or are they separated with the intent to work things out eventually and get back together? If they're just taking a "time out" and planning on working out their differences sometimes soon, then yes she's cheating. But if she's done with the relationship and has already filed for divorce I wouldn't call that cheating. I've had friends in this situation as well, and it's a sticky situation, but do you really expect someone to not date for the several months it takes for a divorce to become final? Especially if she was "so done" with the relationship and ready to move on. Every situation is different, but it sounds like since she's moved out and away from her husband and is not even living in the same time zone that they're done. Ending a marriage is ending a legal contract that takes time and more thought to sever ties to then simply breaking off and dating relationship. It stinks since this new guy annoys you and your FI. Honestly though, you and him will be so busy and the day will be such a whirlwind you probably won't really notice him or how loud he's being. Unless he gets sloppy drunk and causes a scene. Hopefully he won't be "that guy". But again, hopefully this guy is just the "flavor of the month" and a phase and you won't even have to worry about it by the time the wedding comes around. GL! :0)
  • edited December 2011
    totally agree with pp's!!!
  • edited December 2011
    definitely wait it out. There are so many dynamics going on in her life right now, you never know where she'll be when it gets closer. whether or not she brings him, you'll have an amazing day, with maybe 2 minutes of him max. be positive :)***Random side question for paradox-- do you have an advice about a Sunday wedding? I'm planning one and need a little encouragement//advice. MUCH appreciated.
    ~*~K~*~

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  • edited December 2011
    I agree about waiting it out but even if your wedding was 1 month away and the RSVP is due TOMORROW, you really have no say in who your guests bring as their +guest. While it is fair of you to have an opinion/be concerned about your MOH and her choices, since she is obviously one of your nearest and dearest, you cannot control what she does. While it is unfortunate that her husbands friend is obviously going to be aware of the situation, I think its something for him and your MOH to deal with themselves. There have been other posts about brides/grooms not liking who the guest is but unless they have personally done something against you (stolen, etc) then you really have to bite your tongue.
  • Princess_GioPrincess_Gio member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks you guys. I am just freaking out a little since I am worried that he will be that crazy sloppy drunk. A 30 year old wanna be frat boy with open bar = disaster! Just to clarify she was cheating on her husband with him pre separation. If she wasn't then I wouldn't be bothered by her bringing the guy she is seeing, I would only be bothered by him personally.
  • Princess_GioPrincess_Gio member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    ReTRoRenegade07 I am not having a Sunday wedding but what kind of advice are you looking for? I maybe able to help a little bit
  • starrbuk13starrbuk13 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    since she's obviously one of your close friends, can you talk to her about the situation in a non-wedding-related way? personally i think her conduct is inappropriate, but i agree that you can't really forbid her from bringing him to your wedding. HOWEVER, as a friend, maybe you can just talk to her about it because you're concerned for her? i know its a very delicate topic, but in a non-wedding world, it's something you may be able to talk to her about...
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Since she was in this relationship with him prior to the separation then it definitely was cheating.No, you don't get to choose who people bring as a date but you DO get to choose if the person is welcome to bring a date.  Is she legally separated from him and filing for divorce or are they just living in different places?  IMO, it's one thing to have moved out so you can continue the affair and it's another to legally move on from the relationship and to file to dissolve the marriage.If she's not dissolving the marriage then you'd have to invite her with her husband - not the lover.  THAT's the social unit that's recognized.And FWIW, I would have a long talk with a dear friend of mine who was chosen to stand up in support of my marriage after she showed that she didn't support her own.  This isn't her long term relationship that you're being told to recognize - it would be accepting the denial of her own vows on the day you're taking yours.
  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ouch.. I didn't know she was cheating before she left her husband. As a pp mentioned, she's one of you closest and dearest, you should be able to sit down and talk to her about this and how it makes you feel that you're entering into a union that she didn't respect for herself. I'm sorry you're going through this. It really stinks to have to deal with this type of situation while trying to plan for your wedding. The girls on here have given you great advice and I hope it works out. :0)
  • edited December 2011
    PP are right in the idea to waite and see.  As for not having this guy coming to the wedding I agree with Banana.  If you invite to her was addressed as Mr & Mrs then you could tell her that you're not comfortable having her fling there.  Especially since it may cause tension in the bridal party and you want to keep your day as stress free as possible.
  • Princess_GioPrincess_Gio member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    They are not legally separated or in a legal divorcing process as of yet. She basically realised that she got married way to fast and wasn't ready for it. So now she is just putting her husband on the back burner until she has her fun and makes up her mind if she wants to go back to him... She is one of my best friends and I have tried to have a little heart to heart with her about it. I explained to her that I don't agree with what she is doing and I think its a good idea for her to take a break and get her head clear but this new guy shouldn't be in the picture until they are in a real divorce. It really just went in one ear and out the other. I love the idea of addressing to her and her husband, I think that will work just perfect. I know I will just have to wait it out and see what happened but if it comes down to it and they are not in a separation then that's what I will have to do. FI was friends (not really close but still friends)with her husband before they moved out of state and just lost contact with each other so it makes the whole situation a little more uncomfortable for him. Thanks so much for all the helpful advice! Much appreciated!
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    FWIW, depending on how she behaves, this is one of those times where I think it's OK to demote an attendant.If she can't honor HER vows (or the vows of someone else if she's the other woman) then how can you expect her to be up there and support yours?
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