Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries

joyjumper · November 2009

Ladies... Last week I followed a conversation about eGifting, a monetary gift registry. It was funny because some people felt it was a good idea and some returned negative comments because they felt that it was a horrific idea to have a registry where people could just give monetary gifts online rather than getting "traditional gifts". Where do you stand? Do you feel we brides-to-be should stick strictly to tradition or do you think it's ok to buck tradition and create new ways to use registries that best fit our needs?

banana468 · November 2009

It's not so much "tradition" that you'd be bucking by creating a monetary registry. They buck etiquette.It's one thing to decide to register for new items like tools, ceiling fans, camping equipment or DVDs. It's another thing to register for cash.For many, no matter how you slice it, a registry that doesn't involve the purchase of something that can be wrapped is gauche.So create a registry that fits your needs - or don't register at all! Just don't register for money.

obiang · November 2009

I have the opposite view than banana. After much thought about registry, I see that times are changing and as people become more modern, well 'etiquette' becomes modern as well. People are getting married at a later age and with that, already have an established household. I am one of those couples that really don't need much in the house. So, registering for a whole bunch of stuff just wasn't going to work.Therefore, I am one of those people who did register for both a 'traditional' registry, as well as, a monetary registry. I registered at www.Honeyfund.com. So far, all gifts received has been on the honeyfund, no one, yet, has purchased anything off of my Bed Bath and Beyond registry. I live in Germany...so standards in the states, just won't work here. Plus, again, I have a full house of stuff.The honeyfund allowed me to asks for gifts for the honeymoon and funds towards big purchase items that we do need for the new apartment...like a washer and dryer, closets (you have to buy closets in Germany), etc. So, I see the monetary gift registries becoming part of the tradition. I know guest don't have to buy anything, but why have them spend money on stuff that you won't use. You would be amazed how many people think a website like the Honeyfund is a GRAND idea. And for those who don't like it, have a Bed Bath and Beyond type registry for them to go to.So, yes, I totally believe newlyweds should use registries that best fits our needs.Good luck joyjumper. Thanks for posting the question!!!!!

banana468 · November 2009

Just remember, the gift giving isn't just about you the bride and groom. It's also about the guests.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

As much as having good manners are tradition, being rude will never come into style.It was rude to ask for money in 1950. It is rude to ask for money in 2009. It will still be rude to ask for money in 2060. It's not about tradition, it's about having good manners.

obiang · November 2009

See, just like you said it is rude to ask for cash. When I register for, an example, shower curtains, at BBB, I am asking the gift giver to spend $20.00 on those shower curtains. I did not specifically ask for cash...I am asking for a shower curtains.The same goes for the honeyfund registry. I ask for tickets to a museum. Those ticket cost $20.00. The gift giver spends $20.00 for that gift. Again, I did not specifically ask for cash, I am asking for museum tickets.So, either way the gift giver has to spend cash to give you a gift. The gift giver also has an option to give you the cash to go buy those shower curtains, they don't have to purchase the actual gift for you. At the end, why not have them spend the money on something that the bride and groom would enjoy, and ultimately, what the gift giver believes would be a great gift for the bride and the groom....whether it be the shower curtains or the museum tickets

banana468 · November 2009

It's not the same though.Plenty of people just aren't into giving anything that resembles cash. They want to give something that can be gift-wrapped.And for some, giving cash is just not what they'll do. This is a very personal thing for the gift giver. Just know and understand that.And if you do opt for a monetary registry only, that's also a way that you opt out of a shower.

obiang · November 2009

No, I understand that there are people who want give cash, that is why I did register for a few things on BBB.And, they can gift wrap money...put it in a little box and gift wrap it!!!! :-)And as for a shower...I was just reading post about not being able to have a shower if you don't have a registry (first I have heard about that..but because I didn't read about showers). I did not register for a bridal shower registry. My bridal shower is all about getting together with my family and friends. Truthfully, I definitely don't want gifts at my shower. I don't live in the states right now and the best gift for me is to be able to see all the girls that I have not seen in a while. There are so many 'rules' and the end, it doesn't make it fun. My shower is all about girls getting together, sharing stories, laughing and just enjoying the company. I guess I need to change the name of the 'shower' to something else so that i don't walk all over the etiquette rule book. :-(

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

And if you do opt for a monetary registry only, that's also a way that you opt out of a shower. Meh, if someone is rude enough to register for money, they aren't going to suddenly develop enough class to shy away from a greenback shower.I know a person that refuses to excuse herself after she burps. She won't because that's something her mother always made her do. It doesn't mean that excusing yourself after burping is old fashioned and not modern, it just means that this girl is a disgusting pig. Just because people don't care if they are rude anymore doesn't mean that the rules have changed.

obiang · November 2009

I know all about etiquette and know it is different from tradition. I have been part of the military all my life and have served proudly. Whiling being around General's and such, I have read / learn about protocol and etiquette. And of course, being in the military I definitely know about traditions!!!I just think a lot of us are under estimating what guest find offensive and what is not offensive. My family means the world to me...so I don't understand where that statement comes from about:'yet choose not to offend their friends - or even risk the possibility of offending their friends. Their friends mean too much to them for that.'So far, all my family and friends have contributed to the honeyfund, not the BBB registry. So, I think that couples need to judge who their guest are and go with that, as well as, do what they need for themselves as well.I don't need new towels, I don't drink coffee, and the standard sheet size in the states is not the same as the European sheet size standards...so, also couples need to be realistic.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

There are so many 'rules' and the end, it doesn't make it fun.You act like etiquette is some complicated code that no one understands. It's really simple. Treat people how you would expect to be treated in normal circumstances. If someone gives you something, wouldn't you say thank you? Yes, ok then write a thank you note. If someone comes to your house, would you charge them for wine? No, ok, then don't charge your guests for drinks at your wedding. Would you call someone and invite them over and ask them to bring you a gift in the same conversation? No, ok, then don't mention anything about gifts in your invitation. Would you walk up to people and ask them for cash? No, ok then don't register for cash. A traditional registry is a little different. The idea is that you are supposed to pick out some things that evidence your taste and style for your home, and not mention it unless asked. When someone asks what you'd like, you can say you've made a list at such and such store. Everyone knows that cash is a welcome gift. If people want to give cash, they will give it to you. You don't have to register for it, and you don't have to ask for it. The problem with honeymoon registries is that they are deceitful. They lead guests to believe that you are getting a dinner or a scuba lesson, when in reality, you are getting a check. If BB&B started a program where guests believed they were giving you a blender, but you actually got the $49.99, that would also be wrong.

obiang · November 2009

Well, I am glad to hear all your comments!!! Again, joyjumper thanks for asking the question.Of course different people are going to have different opinions (as you see here), but in the end, it is how you feel on the matter.Maybe being raised in a military upbringing, with a mother from another country gives me the views that I have. Etiquette, rules, offending people...different things in different cultures.Having a shower to me is not about receiving gifts, it is about being with the people I haven't been able to see in years...so whether my MOH want to call it a shower or I want to call it a Girl Get Together...it is the same thing. For me, I want it to be 'No Gifts Allowed'So, according to Leah, I may not have any class, but only I can be the judge of that and only joyjumper can decide what is best for her.

jenn.daniel · November 2009

Everyone knows that cash is a welcome gift. If people want to give cash, they will give it to you. You don't have to register for it, and you don't have to ask for it. What Leah said^

flutgrl1 · November 2009

Honestly I feel lame buying household items for my friends. And given that I live in a HCOL area I completely get wanting cash. I usually give it. If I could desposit/gift it online before the wedding and could skip the scrambling to find a CVS while running late to the church thing my DH and I always seem to be doing to get a card...I would very much appreciate it. I am a throughly modern woman!

Babygurl81090 · November 2009

so how is honeyfund deceitful? If someone brings you a check with a printable gift certificate for the scuba lessons... they don't know that they are giving you a check?A honeymoon registry can only be deceitful if that is the couple's intentions behind it.My problem with a flat out monetary registries, is that guests don't feel like they are giving you something. And when a guests gives a gift, they want to know that it went to something they know about and agree with. There are some guests who don't care what you do with the money, and they will flat out give you the money, but that's not everyone. I also don't think that people should register for their airfare or hotel on a honeymoon or a down payment on a house or car. Those are things I think should be taken care of by the couple because they are big and important purchases. If someone wants to give you a gift card for the paint to paint your new place... Or give you a bottle of champagne for the honeymoon.... Or even a car stereo, thats a different story.with a honeymoon registry, if the couple is honest and they keep it to registering activities and items (not being compensated for the entire trip), it is the same as any registry. The only difference is the couple is the middle man. I would definitely give to a couple's honeymoon fund and find a specific activity to chip in for them to enjoy, But i would frown upon just a monetary registry, and i wouldn't give money to it.

banana468 · November 2009

Well, one issue with honeymoon registries is that the guest's entire amount given doesn't go to the couple. They take a fee or a service charge somewhere.

obiang · November 2009

Well, one issue with honeymoon registries is that the guest's entire amount given doesn't go to the couple. They take a fee or a service charge somewhere.It all depends on which site you pick. For the fund I selected (and how I selected for guest to give gifts), there are no service charges or fees.

Babygurl81090 · November 2009

@pp- thats why i'm doing honeyfundno fees for anyone, and the guests can just print out the gift certificates that they want their money to go towards and put it in a card to bring to the wedding. I wouldn't give money online and i don't want my guests to do that either. And I'm not putting anything on there that i have to break down into more than 3 increments. I want to do thank you dedications showing us doing whatever the guests payed for. With something chopped up more than 3 times, it takes away from the personal feeling of the gift.

Babygurl81090 · November 2009

BTWI didn't realize how much of a hot topic this was. I think when comes down to tradition and etiquette and everything in between, it really depends on the couple and their guests. Times are changing, people are different, the same rules don't apply to everyone. I don't know why people are so heated...

Kristin789 · November 2009

>the shower curtains or the museum tickets Because the shower curtain will last for a long while, and the museum tickets are short-term pleasure for a single two-hour-long period of time. See below: Wedding guests expect to give wonderful, long-lasting gifts that mirror their hope for your marriage to be wonderful and long-lasting. Like china, bedding, and other nest-building stuff. When you see these gifts in your home, you will be reminded of the giver, and you will be reminded that you have a whole connected web of marriage mentors to whom you can turn for advice, counsel, new ideas or help when things go from better to worse. A short-term donation to your honeymoon sexfest does not match what wedding gifts are supposed to represent.

Babygurl81090 · November 2009

so a picture of us enjoying the museum isn't a long lasting gift and we won't be reminded of the giver every time we look at it in our home?I think photos last longer than shower curtains... but i may be wrong

kmmssg · November 2009

Just because times have changed doesn't mean something that has been considered inappropriate and rude is now in vogue. Here is where I fall on this: a registry has never been anything more than a courtesy to your guests, and hopefully a lifesaver for the couple so they don't receive 14 blenders and 12 toasters. When registries came about, couples didn't really live together (heck, girls left Daddy's house with a HS diploma and became housewives) brides weren't college grads or grad students and had nothing. This was a way to let people know what color your bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen were so your stuff would match if they chose to use the registry. It would make sense to me that if those things were no longer needed in our modern times, that showers would go by the wayside if the couple doesn't need anything (but who doesn't really have things that need an upgrade?). If registries aren't needed because the couple only wants cash or a honeymoon then it should all go by the wayside. Gifts aren't an entitlement. If you don't need anything for your house, you have no business asking for cash and using "times have changed" as the justification. I don't mean that to sound so harsh, but it makes sense to me.

kmmssg · November 2009

For the record, I always give cash for the wedding, registry gift for the shower. Asking me for cash = nothing.

obiang · November 2009

"I'm from a military background too. Not a valid excuse"Did I say that it was an excuse. I don't think so. The day that it becomes 'modern' and 'acceptable' to attack people and not the topic, let me know. All about this being proper, etiquette stuff and being 'rude'...I would use the phrase 'practice before you preach'. Some of us need to learn good manners on how to address people, before you give me etiquette rules on what I need to do and not do.No hard feelings....enjoy the rest of your day!!! I have other topics to enjoy:-)

banana468 · November 2009

Obiang, no one is attacking the person. The topic and behavior and practice are being attacked - but no one has said, "People with cash registries are bad people."

Babygurl81090 · November 2009

I could see how someone could feel attacked when you say "people who use cash registries are rude". You can't judge what is rude or acceptable unless you know that person, their culture, and their guests culture.There are some cultures that only bring cash to the wedding over gifts...and bringing gifts are rude. Would you call them tacky? I believe the Chinese do this. I think some African culture's as well. Do you know joyjumper's family, or culture? What they find acceptable or unacceptable? This is a topic that cannot be answered by everyone else. To some people, their tradition does define what is rude or not to have at their wedding. and yes, etiquette does depend ALOT on someone's culture, rules, and tradition. To say it doesn't would be a very ignorant statement. Cash registry could be a way to modernize this tradition... or for other couples to take on a different tradition.People keep saying wedding gifts are supposed to be long lasting household items in your home that you need to build a nest. But weddings have been going on for many many years in other countries that never gave household items as wedding gifts. Some cultures give food. Some cultures give money. So who made you guys supreme rulers of what the standards for a wedding present are?If you have a problem with it, don't have it at your wedding... plain and simple. But it's pointless to attack someone on thier ettiquete because it just boils down to opinion and personal belief, and this arguement would go on forever.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

There are some cultures that only bring cash to the wedding over gifts...and bringing gifts are rude. Would you call them tacky? I believe the Chinese do this. I think some African culture's as well. They don't register for the cash. They don't create a registry at all. People choose to give cash because it is the norm in their culture. You don't have to ask for cash. Everyone knows that cash is a welcome gift. There are also areas in the US where it is the regional norm to only give cash as a wedding gift. People in these areas often don't register.A cash registry is a way to tell people that would normally give a physical gift that you only want cash. That is rude. It doesn't matter who you are or who your family is. No one ever said it was rude or inappropriate to give cash as a gift. Affirmatively ASKING for cash is what is rude.

banana468 · November 2009

Actually etiquette isn't about a personal belief. Proper etiquette is social law - not personal law. I'll agree that the etiquette can change from one culture to another though. The perspective offered by many brides here is a very 'US-Centric' based etiquette. That may not be the proper etiquette of other cultures, however if a cash registry is done here, mainstream US etiquette holds that a cash registry (including bank, honeymoon registries, etc) is rude.It might be something that others like, but that doesn't make the practice proper. My husband and I do things all the time in our home that are convenient but that aren't proper. The difference is that we know not to do those things outside our home or when our home is a social and not private situation.

Babygurl81090 · November 2009

to the last 2 pp- That's where i have to disagree. I think that's why the US is different from other countries, because so many cultures are celebrated here. Sure there are certain aspects of life that have adapted to a "US Norm" but i feel like weddings are one of the few things that families and couples have the choice to be tradition and culture heavy, or stray away from that to something more widely accepted. There are too many ways to do a wedding to really give a right or wrong. And when the line is so thin on a topic like this, its best to just go with what you think your family would appreciate...not what others have done. And i don't see how having a monetary registry is asking for money? It's a registry that would go along with all your others. You don't have to tell people about it, but if they want the information, its there and you can choose to give to it or not.Also, i may be going stupid or something... but how is a monetary registry and less ettiquette than a dollar dance? If anything, i thought the dollar dance would be worse since you are flat out asking for money AT THE WEDDING!

banana468 · November 2009

Babygurl, if you're only inviting your family and that's the norm for your family, it could work.However a wedding usually encompasses far more than just one group. You have in-laws, the groom's side, family friends, college friends and coworkers. The combination of cultures means a variety of norms. However the one prevailing rule is that if what you propose to do can be considered improper etiquette by anyone, don't do it. It's always best to be safe than sorry.Any registry is "asking" for something - however it's in how it's handled that it can get dicey. As we say, it's never appropriate to include that information into the wedding invitation as that comes across as YOU asking for gifts. It's dicey in itself to convey registry information but the general rule here is that it's ALWAYS dicey to ask for money outright in registry form.And the other rule is that dollar dances are rude. The only time that they're OK is when they're the cultural norm for your family and the only people you're inviting are part of that culture.

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

This is not a thin line. It's pretty black and bold. If your guests come from a culture where giving cash is the norm, they will do so. You don't need a cash registry for them to do that. In the same way, people that prefer to give cash will do so.Dollar dances are rude, too.

Traditional Gift Registries vs Monetary Gift Registries

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