1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night!

carleyraine · August 2010

Hi! I'm having dinner and drinks with my MOH and BM's tomorrow

I've printed out contact sheets and a TBD timeline of the day just so they know what thier getting into LOL. I'm also going to discuss when we are going to go dress shopping and what everyone's limits are $ wise. We'll talk about whether everyone wants hair and make-up done... but I feel like there are a million things to discuss and I have forgotten them!

Can anyone think of anything that should be brought up now and not later?

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Seriously?

You don't need BM meetings. You don't need to decide hair and makup now. You don't need to discuss ANYTHING now. You have 10 months. Why make people make these decisions now? Just because YOU like to plan early doesn't mean other people have to start planning their things on your schedule.

Please cancel the meeting aspect and just have a fun night. You are planning a wedding day, not D-Day. Meetings are not required and shouldn't be held.

mbcdefg · August 2010

Don't discuss money limits in public. It's fine to ask them at this point in time what they can afford for a dress, but asking them in a group is NOT going to get you honest answers. People will probably all just ditto the first one brave enough to respond, even if they can't afford that amount, because they're too embarrassed to say so in front of everyone else (especially if they don't know each other). I I think it's fine to say, "Start thinking of what you can afford and then call or e-mail me later with the amount."

You don't need to shop for BM dresses until maybe 2-4 months from now. People probably won't know their schedules until a couple weeks in advance. Let them know that you'd like to start looking for dresses maybe in the fall, and you'll follow up with them later on about this.

Everything else can wait. They won't know their schedules and their monetary situations this far in advance, and I'm telling you that any day-of timeline you give them at almost a year out will not be accurate when the actual wedding day rolls around.

And if you read through this board, a lot of girls said they've been bridesmaids for brides whokept scheduling meetings and asking them for details very far in advance, and the whole process was no fun (and also made the bride look like a nut). Do yourself a favor and don't let this happen to you ... forget the "bridesmaid meetings," this stuff can be discussed with each of them individually, and at a more appropriate time.

Enjoy your drinks and have some fun with them. Don't worry about all this stuff just yet.

Viczaesar · August 2010

Agreed with PPs on everything, including the fact that you should be asking them their budgets individually, not as a group.

frogurt814 · August 2010

I don't see anything wrong with getting together with your BMs to hang out and have a good time.

Ditto PPs about asking their monetary limit in private. Not everyone feels comfortable discussing their finances in front of others.

I personally told my BMs I did not care how they got their hair done or if they got it done at all. I did not discuss hair styles with them; I just told them to pick whatever style they wanted.

I'd say just get together and have a good time, but there's no reason to discuss all of that wedding stuff...or hand out a Day Of timeline. You're wedding isn't until next summer so there's a good chance that timeline will change. I didn't have a Day Of timeline set until a couple of days before the wedding.

staceytaylor0704 · August 2010

Why can't you just speak with each of them seperately instead of having a meeting? And planning a shopping trip with a troupe of bridesmaids sounds like utter mayhem.

How on earth do you already have a timeline for the day decided?
I am 4 months out and still haven't even decided that.

Anyways, good luck if you decide to go ahead with that. Yikes

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Also, bear in mind that if you insist on doing all this stuff NOW, you leave them (and yourself) nothing to look forward to. You don't want to get wedding burnout months before the day.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1st-bridesmaids-meeting-tomorrow-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a80f4c5b-3dc1-4281-ad21-970ec640bbbcPost:4d58a2c0-6583-4644-80cc-e30c5e18380e">1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi! I'm having dinner and drinks with my MOH and BM's tomorrow :) I've printed out contact sheets and a TBD timeline of the day just so they know what thier getting into LOL. I'm also going to discuss when we are going to go dress shopping and what everyone's limits are $ wise. We'll talk about whether everyone wants hair and make-up done... but I feel like there are a million things to discuss and I have forgotten them! Can anyone think of anything that should be brought up now and not later?
Posted by carleyraine[/QUOTE]

Your wedding is like 10 months away. There is no need whatsoever to talk about the wedding day time line. If you want to know their limits and budgets of dresses, you can easily do that over the phone or when your hanging out with each girl individually over the course of the next few months. There's no need to get everyone together on the same day to talk about a wedding that is 10 months away. Also, there are not a million things to discuss. They don't need to be involved with any wedding planning or anything like that. At 6 months out, you can start looking at dress. Davids Bridals takes 12 weeks MAX to come in. So 6 months is good to look for ideas.

Also, igroomsmen don't have special "Groomsmen Meetings" regarding the wedding, why should a bridesmaid? That really is unnecessary and not worth their time IMO. It seems pointess.

tldh · August 2010

Please don't discuss finances in a group or in a public place.

As for the need for meetings, this is something that a friend of mind did when we were 22 and she got married for the first time. It was not a fun wedding to be in because everything was micromanaged. She was much more relaxed the second time around, let the BMs pick things for themselves and enjoyed her wedding day a lot more.

CA2MT4EveR · August 2010

The "million things to discuss" are between you and your FI, the ones who are planning the wedding. Your friends are there to be your friends, not your slaves. Let them be individuals, as that is probably why they are your friends. If you worry about too many silly little details, this wont be fun for anyone. Just get together for drinks to enjoy each other's company, not to discuss plans and become a bridezilla.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

Agree with PPs. Money stays out of it. Also, this schedule thing you've got going on is most likely going to be completely invalid as you actually get closer to your wedding and see how things are stacking. I'm about as far as out as you are and I still have no idea of the exact timeline besides when the ceremony starts.

Personally, my girls and I went on a shopping trip to look at dresses together, but that was at their request, not mine. Also, we're all students for the next year (well .5 years for me, but year for the rest of them) so such a trip would have been impossible unless we did it during the summer. Thus, we did it last weekend and it was fun, but no one bought anything right there (wisely) and we had more fun watching movies and hanging out.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1st-bridesmaids-meeting-tomorrow-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a80f4c5b-3dc1-4281-ad21-970ec640bbbcPost:c92e61e1-b819-4378-9015-f70aca2212a6">Re: 1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see anything wrong with getting together with your BMs to hang out and have a good time. Ditto PPs about asking their monetary limit in private. Not everyone feels comfortable discussing their finances in front of others. I personally told my BMs I did not care how they got their hair done or if they got it done at all. I did not discuss hair styles with them; I just told them to pick whatever style they wanted. I'd say just get together and have a good time, but there's no reason to discuss all of that wedding stuff...or hand out a Day Of timeline. You're wedding isn't until next summer so there's a good chance that timeline will change.<strong> I didn't have a Day Of timeline set until a couple of days before the wedding.
</strong>Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

ditto. I also did not have a day of timeline until about 2 days before the wedding. So many crazy things happen and you can't plan them out in advance. A lot of it is last minute details.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

I think it's ridiculous considering that you're going to be, you know, having a baby in the middle of it.

Just tell her that given that you really don't know what size you'll be in July, you're going to hold off on buying the dress now but that you'll have it by the wedding. Any normal person would understand that.

She may be one of those people who likes to plan early and mistakenly thinks that this gives you the license to make everyone else shop on your timeline. I think that gently pointing out the impracticality of what she wants you to do might open her eyes to that.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

Wow, Peony. That's crazy.

Just let her know it would be best for everyone if you waited until AFTER you had the baby. It never takes 5 months for a BM dress *bangs on wooden couch* so you should be fine and it should be okay with her if she's a halfway reasonable person.

mbcdefg · August 2010

I really don't know abotu ordering times, sorry. I got a headache just trying to think about ordering dresses so far in advance, so I talked my BMs into AnnTaylor.com dresses and we had them within a week. I was lazy and took the easy way out, lol.

Ditto Brooke, just talk to her about it. Maybe trying to butter her up a bit will work ... "I just don't want to order something now and then stress you out later if it doesn't fit right." See if she'll talk to the salon salesperson with you ... I'm sure those ladies have dealt with situations like this and can help you figure something out.

If nothing else, I guess just order bigger and get it taken in if need be. Or keep an eye out on eBay for the same dress (or at least the same color and length) in case you need a Plan B. Maybe buy a matching shawl if they have it, so that a seamstress has some extra fabric to work with in case the dress needs to be let out or have a belly panel or a boob-modesty panel put in.

CA2MT4EveR · August 2010

Maybe she is afraid the style wont be available after January? Even still, I think that's a bit soon.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

How weird. When is her wedding again? She sounds like a bit of a control freak.

frogurt814 · August 2010

Ditto others. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to wait until after you have your baby to order your dress. My wedding was July 10, and my girls ordered their dresses Late March/Early April and they all came in within a few weeks of them ordering.

I would just tell the bride that you will have to wait until after you have the baby and that there will be plenty of time for you to get your dress after that. If she is reasonable, she should be able to understand.

EDIT: I just read your most recent post. She should just have everyone wait until March/April to order. That way if it is discontinued, she can pick a different dress.

The original dress I picked looked great on my size 5 MOH but looked horrible on my larger BMs with large chests. I ended up picking a different dress. No big deal.

suz62984 · August 2010

Peony, let her know that David's Bridal has a policy in place for dresses being discontinued. She can call them and find out for herself if she doesn't trust you.

1- they put her info into the computer with BM names and sizes
2- If even one dress size is entered into the computer under her account, much less a dress is purchased, it will flag that account if the style is to be discontinued.
3- Their policy is to contact the bride 2 weeks ahead of the scheduled discontinued date to let her know it is being discontinued. This gives her a chance to warn all the BMs who haven't gotten dresses. The BMs will have plenty of time to order within that period before it is too late.

They don't just wake up one day and say this dress is discontinued and no one else can order it or get it. They have a system for this type of stuff.

carleyraine · August 2010

Wow that was an overwhelming damper :S

"Meeting": Sorry for the formality but I didn't know what else to call it. If it were a "girls night", a bunch of other girls would have been invited. The main purpose of the night is for my BM's to all "Meet" each other - just because they are my best friends, doesn't mean they are each others.

Dress Shopping: The ladies have, all but one (who lives halfway across the country) requested to go dress shopping now. So I'm giving the ladies what they want and setting a time LOL We may not pick a dress until later, but if they wanna check them out now there is no harm in that.

My Timeline: As mentioned is TBD, but roughly laid-out. One of my bridesmaids has actually booked days off for my wedding already as she usually works weekends (Hair Stylist) and actually asked if she needed to take the whole week off!! I'm just giving them a brief look at what the day might look like so they don't freak out. As to how I have it planned so far out, planning is my job. I've been in admin for 10 years planning corporate events and meetings and have a certificate in Event and Meeting Management from George Brown College. It's just how I roll. Nevermind that I've been to enough weddings to understand a general theme.

Early Plans: To those who said discussing things this early takes the fun out of a wedding, I completely disagree. Half the fun of a wedding is the preparation. If your holding out on having fun with the process until the big day you will be sorely disspointed when the day fly's by. I plan to enjoy every moment of this thing up to during and after. My sister-in-law told me that the one thing she learned from her wedding is that people WANT to help. Once her wedding was over and done there were plenty of people angry with her for not letting them contribute in some way. I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing my plans and ideas with my Bridesmaids this early - in fact some of you I'm sure have been doing it with your best friends since you were in elementary school.

$$$: As for the monetary stuff, thank you all. I didn't think of that, I don't want to embarass anyone, and do want honest answers so will definitely ask them each separately before we shop

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1st-bridesmaids-meeting-tomorrow-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a80f4c5b-3dc1-4281-ad21-970ec640bbbcPost:2051440a-4192-4562-a8e9-e49272fca91c">Re: 1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto others. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to wait until after you have your baby to order your dress. <strong>My wedding was July 10, and my girls ordered their dresses Late March/Early April and they all came in within a few weeks of them ordering. </strong>I would just tell the bride that you will have to wait until after you have the baby and that there will be plenty of time for you to get your dress after that. If she is reasonable, she should be able to understand. EDIT: I just read your most recent post. She should just have everyone wait until March/April to order. That way if it is discontinued, she can pick a different dress. The original dress I picked looked great on my size 5 MOH but looked horrible on my larger BMs with large chests. I ended up picking a different dress. No big deal.
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

She originally wanted us to order in December and she said Davids Bridal said to order in December. But she decided January wasn't too far from that and was at least after the holidays

frogurt814 · August 2010

Planning is also my job. I've been an admin for 5 years and I also really enjoy planning. I still had no clue of a timeline until a couple of days before the wedding. Not even a rough estimate of a timeline.

I'm not sure what there would be for your bridesmaids to freak out about concerning the timeline? I said if you want to get your hair done, meet me at the salon at 8 a.m. Otherwise, be at the church by 1 p.m. I don't think anyone would freak out about that.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1st-bridesmaids-meeting-tomorrow-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a80f4c5b-3dc1-4281-ad21-970ec640bbbcPost:efca1547-33fe-45cf-9b63-beba0167072c">Re: 1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow that was an overwhelming damper :S "Meeting": Sorry for the formality but I didn't know what else to call it. If it were a "girls night", a bunch of other girls would have been invited. The main purpose of the night is for my BM's to all "Meet" each other - just because they are my best friends, doesn't mean they are each others. Dress Shopping: The ladies have, all but one (who lives halfway across the country) requested to go dress shopping now. So I'm giving the ladies what they want and setting a time LOL We may not pick a dress until later, but if they wanna check them out now there is no harm in that. My Timeline: As mentioned is TBD, but roughly laid-out. One of my bridesmaids has actually booked days off for my wedding already as she usually works weekends (Hair Stylist) and actually asked if she needed to take the whole week off!! I'm just giving them a brief look at what the day might look like so they don't freak out. As to how I have it planned so far out, planning is my job. I've been in admin for 10 years planning corporate events and meetings and have a certificate in Event and Meeting Management from George Brown College. It's just how I roll. Nevermind that I've been to enough weddings to understand a general theme. Early Plans: To those who said discussing things this early takes the fun out of a wedding, I completely disagree. Half the fun of a wedding is the preparation. If your holding out on having fun with the process until the big day you will be sorely disspointed when the day fly's by. I plan to enjoy every moment of this thing up to during and after. My sister-in-law told me that the one thing she learned from her wedding is that people WANT to help. Once her wedding was over and done there were plenty of people angry with her for not letting them contribute in some way. I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing my plans and ideas with my Bridesmaids this early - in fact some of you I'm sure have been doing it with your best friends since you were in elementary school. $$$: As for the monetary stuff, thank you all. I didn't think of that, I don't want to embarass anyone, and do want honest answers so will definitely ask them each separately before we shop :)
Posted by carleyraine[/QUOTE]

mbcdefg · August 2010

Cool, Carley, sounds like you have most of this figured out.

A sidenote, though ... it's fine if YOU want to plan things early. Plan away! Just keep in mind that your bridesmaids may not feel the same way (even if they tell you to your face that they are O.K. with it).

Just read through this board a while for girls who are bridesmaids for someone else, and are getting upset or burned out because the bride wants stuff planned super-ahead of time. Heck, in this very thread, Peony is running into problems because her bride friend wants the dress thing done ASAP.

Just a word of caution. Even if planning ahead is fine for you, it may not be for your BMs. It's fine to give them a heads-up about things, but don't overdo it. And as I'm sure you know from your own training and education/career, remember to be flexible and to roll with the punches as things happen

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Ditto malphabet. Go ahead and plan the things that are solely up to you and your FI. But make sure that the WP has the option of buying things on their own timeline. Ten months out is awfully early to shop for dresses--plenty of time to get pregnant or gain/lose a significant amount of weight.

Your local is a good place to go if you want to talk about your wedding plans a lot, like every day or every week. Your BMs may love you and support their marriage, but that doesn't necessarily translate to wanting to hear every detail about planning. Local boards, on the other hand, can't get enough of it.

And it's great you're having a meet-and-greet. Just be sure your expectations are tempered on that--a WP is not a new social group and is unlikely to turn into one. I am still FB friends with a couple people I was in weddings with, but I'm never going to actually hang out with them or see them again.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

I've done plenty of event planning myself. And I can tell you from EXPERIENCE that weddings are no different from any other event. If you try to plan TOO much TOO soon you can end up with a lot of problems then if you just did everything when it was recommended. It's RECOMMENDED that you wait until about 6 months or so before you start looking around at the BM dresses because they 1) discontinue 2) people gain/lose weight 3) people, including you, change their mind...all the time and 4) if you run into any of these things, you can end up at square one again and are no better off than if you had just waited minus you wasting a lot of time.

If they are super excited and want to go shopping and do all this stuff, fine. But also remind everyone that it's still a ways off and a lot can happen in that time.

suz62984 · August 2010

Peony - If she gives you a hard time tell her to call DB's and ask about how they handle discontinuing dresses. If they decide to discontinue dresses and even one girl has ordered the dress her account will be flagged and she will be contacted. They will allow the other BMs to order dresses up until a scheduled discontinue date which is 2 weeks from when she will receive that call. They don't just say...well style 43253 is discontinued right now. No one else can order after 3:50pm est on 8/20/2010. They do it gradually so that they aren't liable for mix ups.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1st-bridesmaids-meeting-tomorrow-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a80f4c5b-3dc1-4281-ad21-970ec640bbbcPost:7eb2c187-4024-481e-b3b5-eedcb9d46bed">Re: 1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 1st Bridesmaids Meeting Tomorrow Night! : July 23rd. So wanting to look for dresses a year early and picking out dresses that could easily become DC from now until January. And then in January we could be at square one again
Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

That's kind of silly. My wedding is two months before hers and I'm going to ask them to order their dresses (or buy them off the rack, or what have you) by the first week of March. My girls are picking their own dresses so the DC thing doesn't bother me. Thank God.

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

My girls weren't all in the same room until the day of the wedding. It wasn't a big deal. They're friends with you, they don't have to be friends with each other. Many brides find it to be a large (and quite unnecessary) source of drama when BMs who don't particularly like each other are forced to socialize repeatedly.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

The main purpose of the night is for my BM's to all "Meet" each other - just because they are my best friends, doesn't mean they are each others.

- Your bridesmaids do not have to become bff with each other just because they are a part of your bridal party. A lot of times, bridesmaids don't even meet each other until the shower.. sometimes not until the RD or the wedding day itself and it's not big deal.

One of my bridesmaids has actually booked days off for my wedding already as she usually works weekends (Hair Stylist) and actually asked if she needed to take the whole week off!!

- I hope you will tell this bridesmaid that she does not have to take the whole week off. That is not necessary, so don't have her take any more time off work than she needs to. She just needs to be off for the wedding day and that alone.

I'm just giving them a brief look at what the day might look like so they don't freak out.

-Your the bride so you can have an idea about what the day might look like, but you don't need to have them all involved. You say you want to do this so they don't freak out? Why would they freak out? What is going on the day of the wedding that would cause them to freak out?? If your the big planner that you say you are, then you will plan accordingly in a way where no one will have a reason to freak out, about anything.

As to how I have it planned so far out, planning is my job. I've been in admin for 10 years planning corporate events and meetings and have a certificate in Event and Meeting Management from George Brown College.

-Okay. You can plan all YOU want. But it doesn't mean you have to drag everyone else into it. You can start planning all you want, but just know that bridesmaids aren't there for you to have them planning along your side. They are not wedding planners. The only thing they might have a say in in regard to dresses. They don't need to be involved with all the other details such as venue, music, etc. You have a FI so you and him can plan the wedding.

Early Plans: To those who said discussing things this early takes the fun out of a wedding, I completely disagree. Half the fun of a wedding is the preparation.

- YOU can plan all you want if you want to. If you like to plan things early, then you can. But like I said, don't drag anyone else into it. It's not their wedding. It's yours. Your venue, colors, decorations, favors etc do not concern them.

I plan to enjoy every moment of this thing up to during and after.

- Great. You can enjoy it all you want. I think everyone was just saying that holding meetings and everything to talk all about the wedding is not necessary. You don't need to be talking about the wedding with them. If they want to go dress shopping, then fine. But the general bottom line here is to not get so wrapped up with all the wedding stuff.

Your friends have other things going on in their lives so your wedding does not revolve around you for the whole year. Ask them what is going on in THEIR life and what is new with THEM. Don't make the whole "meeting" to be all about you and talking about the wedding. That's all. You can't really hold a meeting or a gathering to talk solely about you and the wedding.

You can hang out with your friends like you did pre-engagement and talk about your new favorite tv shoes, or your new favorite restaurant or your new favorite store.. or if they have kids they might want to talk about their trip to the zoo or the aquarium.

Bottom line is don't hold a meeting to talk all about wedding stuff when that may be important to you, it's not the only thing going on in THEIR life. Do you now see how you came across in inviting your friends for a "meeting" to talk about wedding, wedding, wedding.

I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing my plans and ideas with my Bridesmaids this early -

Of course, let's talk all about your plans and ideas and have a whole meeting dedicated to that.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Just bear in mind that nearly everyone who is telling you to slow down are people who are already married. We may have a better idea of whether it really is fun to drag out the planning and to get your BMs involved so early than you do. Just some food for thought.

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