Post-Toast blues

cubbiefanwife · September 2010

I NEED SOME ADVICE.
I am a first time older bride (44) who chose to walk myself down the aisle for a great many reasons. One reason being that I am nobody's possession to give away, and two, my Dad was mostly an absentee dad. We have not had a bad relationship, but one where to ask him to walk me down the aisle would have been for all the wrong reasons. My now-husband and I paid for pretty much everything and created a beautiful DIY reception.

My one disappointment was that my father chose to blast me in a toast he gave. He used reasons I laid out to him as why I did not ask him to walk me down the aisle and threw them back in my face. He essentially dishonored everything I believe in and tried to couch it in a "loving" toast. Several relatives and friends have even asked why my dad was such a jerk and so mean to me.

I know weddings can bring out the worst in people, but I never expected it from my dad. And while some toasts are off-the-cuff, and his statements could have been made by nerves, he had his statement written out. He had even said to me the night of the rehearsal, that he "would get me baqck tomorrow."

What I am looking for is thoughts on how to deal with this. A couple people have said "Oh move on, it was a beautiful day." It was, but I do not know how to have a relationship with my Dad going forward when I feel he disrespects me so much to hurt me in front of family (and new family at that!) and friends.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

That's terrible. If he said "I'll get you back tomorrow," I probably would have made sure he didn't get the microphone. However, It is by no means your fault, and he was completely out of line. Everyone there should know that the things he said were because he was bitter and know that it was not a reflection on who you really are. As far as your relationship with him, after him being absentee and pulling that hurtful stunt, how much does your relationship with him really mean to you?

Stackeye210 · September 2010

That's really sad that you have to look back on your wedding and think about something like that. Especially from your own father.

I would imagine that he has a history of not holding his tongue b/c you don't just come out of nowhere and be an a$$ all in one day. I would have no idea how to confront this situation - but I can understand your embarrassment from it.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

My sister made one of my IL's cry on my wedding day and I didn't find out about it until 5 weeks later and I felt so awful that I didn't find my IL to make sure everything was ok. It made me upset every time after that thinking about my wedding day and how my sister made a bad impression on my IL's. The one thing I learned through it all was that my IL's didn't hold what my sister did against me.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. While it is easy to just cut him off, I think the adult thing to do would be to have a nice little conversation with him. Explain to him how it made you feel and also embarrassing you in front of everyone. If he seems like he doesn't care what he said, then I would definitely distance myself from him.

If he was absent in most of your childhood, what does he think gives him the right to do something like that at your wedding. If he was hurt by your decision to not have him escort you down the aisle, he should have discussed that with you privately and no one else.

Celles · September 2010

I'd say "Thanks for validating my choice, Dad." And then, like Georgia said, I'd be done unless and until he takes the initiative to make amends. I understand that he may have been hurt by your decision, but to make the deliberate and very obviously pre-meditated decision to hurt you on your wedding day? Not cool, Sperm Donor. Not cool at all.

I'm really, really sorry that he did that to you.

banana468 · September 2010

<p>[QUOTE]I'd say "Thanks for validating my choice, Dad." [/QUOTE]

LOVE this. </p>

squirrly · September 2010

That's craptastic of him. I'd probably go with something along the lines of what Banana said, but if he didn't have a seriously good explanation and appology right away, that would likely be the end of my relationship with him. I wouldn't avoid family functions or declare a feud of any sort - I'd just distance myself emotionally and avoid one-on-one interactions.

Pirata13 · September 2010

Yeah what a jerk.

But also, I agree with PP that if my previously absentee dad who I did not have a good relationship with who probably only wanted to walk me down the aisle in order to give people the impression he HADN'T been a craptastic father told me he'd "get me back tomorrow", I wouldn't have allowed him to have the microphone. And that threat alone would likely have caused me to tell him he was no longer welcome at my wedding.

As awful as that was, please try to think more about all the great things that happened that day, and all the great people you had there. If you feel you even want to remotely try to have a relationship with your dad, try to talk to him as PPs said. But it sounds like you made and effort and wished you hadn't, and if your whole life has been spent this way, cut the cord and enjoy your married life with your husband and the family & friends who truly care about you.

megk8oz · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_post-toast-blues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d802235a-b7d1-402e-858b-aa31ad1f05cdPost:05ff1b85-64d0-4324-916d-2222b65d76a2">Re: Post-Toast blues</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say "Thanks for validating my choice, Dad." And then, like Georgia said, I'd be done unless and until he takes the initiative to make amends. I understand that he may have been hurt by your decision, but to make the deliberate and very obviously pre-meditated decision to hurt you on your wedding day? Not cool, Sperm Donor. Not cool at all. I'm really, really sorry that he did that to you.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

Just pretend I said the exact same thing, and you have my advice.

I'm really so sorry he did this to you. I can't even imagine how I would have reacted if it happened to me. I would just try to move past it, like your friends have been telling you "It was a such a wonderful day", focus on the good memories.

cubbiefanwife · September 2010

WOW! Thank you to all who have posted in response. And thanks for your sympathy. It is just when others started asking me about it did I really go into thinking about what he said and how I felt.

While I love the "Thanks for validating my choice..." option (and will keep it in my back pocket), I will likely go the sit-down face-to-face. I had been thinking I needed to do that anyway, but was curious as to what others thought. My new hubbie listens well, but does not appreciate the depth of hurt my relationship has been with my dad and he himself has a great family.

My guess is that it is my step-mother who pushed him to do it or maybe even wrote the speech for him. But yes, it was definitely a premeditated pile of crap to toss in my face. So one more try to let him know how I feel. With no expectation that the relationship can or will be repaired because it is my expectation that one can only have real work done on relationship when dealing with adults, and clearly my father has shown he is not that.

Thanks again for the support and advices Knotties! And for your well wishes. Back at ya all! As you can see below, it really was a spectacular day!

Pirata13 · September 2010

Just look at your sig photo whenever you get upset about it--your face says how happy you are and what a great day it was. You look lovely and FWIW, I'm pretty sure that everyone knows your dad is a douche and you're awesome. You look great for 44, I'm about to hit 40 myself!

Post-Toast blues

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