Frustrated!

WillBeMrsC · March 2011

I don't feel like I'm rushing things, I feel like I've been patient for the past year. The nature of my business makes it hard for me to commit to an apartment on my own, because we have to book gigs and it goes up and down so much. My dad thinks Kevin is great and everything he doesn't have a problem with us as a couple, it's all our relationship which I think will be healthier when I'm not living here.

peekaboo2011 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:09477e09-a6d2-4b4f-9b36-1ef5fb6d61aa">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]It amazes me that in this day and age women still go straight from their parent's house to their husband's house (sometimes with a stop at the sorority house in between).
Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

<div>This made me giggle.</div><div>
</div><div>Please take these girls' advice. They know what they're talking about. Seriously. I know you feel like the whole world has no idea what you're going through (I got that feeling about oh, last night), but they have been there. They've made the hard choices. And they're trying to help you. I have not met/heard of a girl who suffered from taking a Knottie's advice. </div>

WillBeMrsC · March 2011

I know my plans will change but I work around weddings all the time and I can't help doing little bits of planning. I'm not booking anything, just knowing what I want.

CASK85 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:cdc6b567-cb4c-4771-89d6-54798bdb5cd8">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't feel like I'm rushing things, I feel like I've been patient for the past year. The nature of my business makes it hard for me to commit to an apartment on my own, because we have to book gigs and it goes up and down so much. My dad thinks Kevin is great and everything he doesn't have a problem with us as a couple, it's all our relationship which I think will be healthier when I'm not living here.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]
So your dad doesn't want you to get married because the relationship you have with him is bad? And that will get better when you move out? Explain . . . because I'm honestly confused. <div>
</div><div>My relationship with my dad isn't awesome, but it didn't even come in to play when FI and I decided to get married because I'm a grown ass woman and I've been mostly on my own since I left for college nearly 8 year ago.</div>

calindi · March 2011

You can sign a 6 month lease. You can sign a month-to-month lease. I really don't see the problem. It's not a waste to do exactly what you're saying you want to do - move out of your parents house. If that's the reason you're in such a rush and not willing to let your guy go at his own pace, then just MOVE OUT.

This is what I see: a little girl who loves her boyfriend who really wants to live with him. That little girl has been talking marriage since it seems the very first days of this relationship, and while her boyfriend probably sees a future with her, he seems to be throwing up roadblocks to slow things down until he's ready (namely, saying he isn't ready to get married until he can buy you a ring). The same little girl wants to not live with her parents anymore (and really, what 18+ year old wants to still live with their parents?) and sees getting married as this mecca of domestic bliss, where she'll get to live with her boyfriend and be together, happily ever after. So she's planned a wedding with her Mom in her little head, and is now mad that her boyfriend isn't playing along with her timeline.

Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, the whole bit with bugging Dad, who the little girl clearly has a distant relationship with, to approve of her wedding from the very first days of dating this guy.

There is NO REASON to rush to get married.

SassyFlats · March 2011

If you are that hell-bent on living with the guy, then fine. Go for it. I admit, moving out of my parents' house improved my relationship with them A LOT. I moved in with a guy they didn't like, got engaged, then figured out that woops! I didn't really want to marry that guy. So I got an apartment with roommates and eventually moved into a place by myself.

Sure, go ahead and shack up with this dude. That's fine. But I am going to keep harping on this: get some COUNSELING before you marry him. You guys need to hammer some stuff out.

Whatever you do, just make sure you consider if you'll regret it. You don't want to hurt your family by moving in with this dude... but how important IS that to you, anyway? Because you sound pretty hell-bent on doing it.

heyimbren · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:2159767b-aaa4-41d5-a35e-65cc1bfbe918">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]He's on board with the planning, he knows what's going on. I just have a date as wishful thinking, that's what we want, but all the different factors are going to end up deciding that. He and I have a great foundation, and I know why he wants to get me a big ring. Me having a great business while he's still in school barely making anything is a hurtle for a guy, and we're doing great with it.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

First of all- I'm in the minority where I don't think you have to move out before getting married. But I don't want to get into that since that isn't your issue exactly. If you want to move in with him, then move in with him. You already said that your family won't approve, but you don't seem to care that much about your father's approval regarding the marriage.

On top of that, he may know about your planning but that doesn't make it okay since you two are <u>not</u> on the same page of when to get engaged and married. And that's one of the dangers of pre-planning and why we don't encourage girls to do that. Because you get all caught up in all these "plans" you made- but they weren't set in stone. And you run into all these complications later.

So my best advice, is that you stop planning. Stop counting on those plans to work out. Put your dress somewhere where it's out of sight for a little while and then wait for your SO to be ready to get engaged. And in the meantime, work on your relationship with your father. Address his concerns and actually consider them from his perspective. Then hopefully when you're BF does propose, your father will be on board with the idea as well.

calindi · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:cdc6b567-cb4c-4771-89d6-54798bdb5cd8">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't feel like I'm rushing things, I feel like I've been patient for the past year. The nature of my business makes it hard for me to commit to an apartment on my own, because we have to book gigs and it goes up and down so much. My dad thinks Kevin is great and everything he doesn't have a problem with us as a couple, it's all our relationship which I think will be healthier when I'm not living here.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

You do know you'll have to pay rent when you move in with your guy, right? Even if you wait until you're married, your financial instability won't get any better.

Move out, get a roommate to keep costs down. Stop talking about weddings, wait for Kevin to bring it up again and for him to let you know when HE wants to get married (rather than nodding agreement with whatever you tell him you want to do).

heyimbren · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:c7057dcd-47a9-4370-b95e-df23530f85c6">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know my plans will change but I work around weddings all the time and I can't help doing little bits of planning. I'm not booking anything, just knowing what I want.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

Oh and something else? You CAN help planning. It's called self-discipline.

SassyFlats · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:db15b284-81ec-492b-a694-fe76294f0022">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated! : Oh and something else? You CAN help planning. It's called self-discipline.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Self-<em>what</em>?

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SeaTea02 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:c7057dcd-47a9-4370-b95e-df23530f85c6">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know my plans will change <strong>but I work around weddings all the time</strong> and I can't help doing little bits of planning. I'm not booking anything, just knowing what I want.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If this were true, you wouldn't have asked many of the questions you did in some of your other posts I quoted. You would have known what to do with guests between the ceremony and reception. Just saying. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, I think the fact that your BF spent all money he had saved for a ring on a bracelet for Christmas speaks volumes. He would have kept saving it had he actually expected you to get married this fall. Again, just saying. </div><div>
</div><div>And your Christmas present shouldn't have cost as much as your e-ring. That is a little crazy. Especially since he is a student. </div><div>
</div>

CASK85 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:84c33a7b-f2db-485e-8384-9def8f9d519c">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated! : If this were true, you wouldn't have asked many of the questions you did in some of your other posts I quoted. You would have known what to do with guests between the cermony and reception. Just saying. Also, I think the fact that your BF spent all money he had saved for a ring on a bracelet for Christmas speaks volumes. He would have kept saving it had he actaully expected you to get married this fall. Again, just saying. <strong>And your Christmas present shouldn't have cost as much as your e-ring. That is a little crazy. </strong>
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]
psh, my FI buys me e-ring equivalent gifts weekly - doesn't yours?

SeaTea02 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:558750c8-0bb4-4dec-b6dc-244213099d93">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated! : psh, my FI buys me e-ring equivalent gifts weekly - doesn't yours?
Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

<div>No... does that make our relationship invalid?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>P.S. - I kept trying to quote you and was redirected to the Boston Knot. It was like weddings.boston or something strange. </div>

WillBeMrsC · March 2011

He brings up wanting to be married just as much as I do. And I know I'll be paying rent with him, but it's an expense we already have. All my friends are already married so I don't have anyone to room with. He's not just nodding when I'm talking about stuff, he's excited to have a wedding and be married just as much as I am. We are so on the same page about things except the ring. He's the only person that has my back, he knows me better than anyone. I'm not very good at communicating my thoughts but he gets me and when I struggle with getting a thought out he can jump in and explain exactly what I'm trying to say beautifully, he's a huge help with talks with my dad.

desertsun · March 2011

Is anyone else kinda confused?

There's a disapproving dad, a BF who can't afford an e-ring but bought an expensive Christmas present, OP owns her own business but lives at home, and is planning a wedding but BF says he needs more time to save up for a ring? Yes no?

ETA: Oh yes, and the issue of OP not wanting to spend money on her own place, but family disapproving of her living with BF b/c of aforementioned disapproving Dad.

Is it just me or is there a lot of conflicting information here?

And OP doesn't really seem to be open to any of the excellent advice given?

Or have I just not had enough caffeine yet today?

I feel like I just wasted the last 10 minutes of my day. When I could have been getting that coffee.

CASK85 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:b1e5bd61-9840-4126-8b14-4341c734fab3">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]He brings up wanting to be married just as much as I do. And I know I'll be paying rent with him, but it's an expense we already have. All my friends are already married so I don't have anyone to room with. He's not just nodding when I'm talking about stuff, he's excited to have a wedding and be married just as much as I am. We are so on the same page about things except the ring. He's the only person that has my back, he knows me better than anyone. I'm not very good at communicating my thoughts but he gets me and when I struggle with getting a thought out he can jump in and explain exactly what I'm trying to say beautifully, he's a huge help with talks with my dad.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]
So what do you want from us? Maybe your BF can come over here and explain it to us, since you are losing me.

SassyFlats · March 2011

I find it worrisome that your boyfriend talks for you to your dad, who you aren't very close to but who is apparently trying to remedy that...

Maybe part of the issue with your dad is he feels like he can't just have a conversation with you without your boyfriend butting in and speaking for you.

bethsmiles · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:8376af6f-192a-4811-97bd-d46d736c2610">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is anyone else kinda confused? There's a disapproving dad, a BF who can't afford an e-ring but bought an expensive Christmas present, OP owns her own business but lives at home, and is planning a wedding but BF says he needs more time to save up for a ring? Yes no? Is it just me or is there a lot of conflicting information here? Or have I just not had enough caffeine yet today?
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I don't understand either.

SassyFlats · March 2011

Desert, I'm with you. I feel like I'm chasing someone's tail here... maybe my own but I'm not really sure.

AudgiePodge · March 2011

It seem like OP wants validation.

CASK85 · March 2011

I'm fresh out of validation.

peekaboo2011 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:8376af6f-192a-4811-97bd-d46d736c2610">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is anyone else kinda confused? There's a disapproving dad, a BF who can't afford an e-ring but bought an expensive Christmas present, OP owns her own business but lives at home, and is planning a wedding but BF says he needs more time to save up for a ring? Yes no? ETA: Oh yes, and the issue of OP not wanting to spend money on her own place, but family disapproving of her living with BF b/c of aforementioned disapproving Dad. Is it just me or is there a lot of conflicting information here? And OP doesn't really seem to be open to any of the excellent advice given? Or have I just not had enough caffeine yet today? I feel like I just wasted the last 10 minutes of my day. When I could have been getting that coffee.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div>And the BF has to talk to her dad for her because she's not good at explaining herself even though the relationship between her and her dad isn't good?</div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, I'm pretty lost. But I had two hours of sleep.</div>

peekaboo2011 · March 2011

I don't validate anyone's BSC except my own.

SeaTea02 · March 2011

SassyFlats · March 2011

Man, they really do have a lolcat for every situation.

tafft1 · March 2011

If the OP wants validation they are in the wrong place. BSC is ---------> way!

Seriously though if you are "mature" enough to have your own company , which quite frankly I don't buy for a second , then you should be adult enough to solve this issue. I just see alot of QQ here and wanting everyhting your way now now now. I see the image of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRTkCHE1sS4 - through my head just readng your posts. Have fun with that,

desertsun · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:e3aea0d1-a6c1-416e-bbd0-35fa85ee1f80">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]It seem like OP wants validation.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you scared her away with your uncanny insight, Audge.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

WillBeMrsC · March 2011

I think this is the wrong place for me to be frustrated. My BF doesn't talk for me whenever I talk to my dad, he will help me out if the three of us are having a discussion and I get stuck. I also wasn't scared away I had meetings because I run a business! It's been an interesting throw back to high school being called immature and everything, hah! I would benefit more from talking to the people in my life who understand the situation. After an interesting phone call from my dad I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out anyway, which is fine I'm old enough to go live on my own.

CASK85 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:7328220c-31cc-4d14-a0a0-9f590cb06407">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this is the wrong place for me to be frustrated. My BF doesn't talk for me whenever I talk to my dad, he will help me out if the three of us are having a discussion and I get stuck. I also wasn't scared away I had meetings because I run a business! It's been an interesting throw back to high school being called immature and everything, hah! I would benefit more from talking to the people in my life who understand the situation. After an interesting phone call from my dad I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out anyway, which is fine I'm old enough to go live on my own.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]
I was waiting for the "you're so mean" post - and here it is. Thanks for being original and not taking our advice - no one ever gets mad and tells us we're mean. Ever.

heyimbren · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45689460-4b9f-4f14-bf1a-5123b9c4da3dPost:7328220c-31cc-4d14-a0a0-9f590cb06407">Re: Frustrated!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this is the wrong place for me to be frustrated. My BF doesn't talk for me whenever I talk to my dad, he will help me out if the three of us are having a discussion and I get stuck. I also wasn't scared away I had meetings because I run a business! It's been an interesting throw back to high school being called immature and everything, hah! I would benefit more from talking to the people in my life who understand the situation. After an interesting phone call from my dad I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out anyway, which is fine I'm old enough to go live on my own.
Posted by WillBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

This is a tad much. You got plenty of civil, helpful advice which you just ignored. That gets very frustrating for people who are trying to help you. But good luck, regardless. But your posts did make your situation very unclear, which again makes it difficult to be of assitance.

Frustrated!

Re: Frustrated!

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