MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long)

seascape momma · July 2010

Hi ladies, I am a lurker here, but i know i can get some good advice from you. Oldest daughter got married last year, hence, why i am on the knot.

This involves second daughter. She has had a relationship with a fellow for 4 years. They have lived together in his apartment for 3 years. He is a great deal older than her but has never been married and no children.

Last winter they had a big argument and she moved out for 3 weeks but went back with his urging. She alone, has just purchased a home which they have moved into together. They have discussed marriage and he recently said he was going to ask his mother for the grandmothers ring.

Last winter (before the break) I began to get suspicious of some of his stories (excuses) for his abscences.

This past week, they were at my home and he left his email open on my computer. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself., I checked all his emails!

I found out that he is on a online dating service and wrote to someone thru that, that his old girlfriend emails him suggestive photos and he agreed to pick her up at the airport.

Now my problem is....Should I just mind my own business, tell my daughter what I know, or confront him?

She was recently diagnosed with HPV. He swore to her he has been faithful... I think not...

Thanks for any advice. It is on my mind constantly....

Button5807 · July 2010

So she thinks the HPV came out of no where?

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Tell your daughter.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

Wow. Just...wow.

noelle24 · July 2010

HPV alone doesn't show that he's cheating on her actually. He could have had it for years, passed it on to her, and she just became sympotmatic. Actually, your daughter could have gotten it from a previous sexual partner and just become symptomatic.

The rest, however, is sketchy. As far as what you do, I think you need to decide what you think is best for your daughter. If it were me, I'd want to know. I might be pissed initially that you snooped, but I'd rather know I'm dating a douchebag before I got engaged/married. What do you think you daughter would want?

**Edited for clarity**

PaigeMcC · July 2010

I agree with Noelle, what would your daughter want? Would she want to know or would she rather be in the dark.

IMHO, I would rather know I'm with a douchenozzle and fix the situation then find out later that my mom hid stuff from me. But either way I think you're looking at an angry daughter. Do what you think is best. GL

ekathleen684 · July 2010

I agree with Noelle and Paige. I personally would want to know. It will hurt her and she might be mad at first but if were me, I would rather my mom tell me now than finding out later from someone else.

Hazel_B · July 2010

I agree with Noelle, HPV is not a sign that he has been cheating. HPV is very common and easily spread. Either of them could have gotten it long ago.

The rest of the situaton doesn't seem promising at all. It really depends on how your daughter reacts to things and how much she has told you about their relationship. Would telling her that the last time that they visited he left his email open and you noticed an email from whatever the dating site is or his ex's name sitting in his inbox and was she aware of this be enough? If it is you may not need to reveal how much you snooped aside from he left his inbox open and you saw the names as you were closing it.

noelle24 · July 2010

Be prepared for her to be hurt and angry, and maybe transfer some of that anger to you for snooping. She might be unreasonable for a while, but hopefully she'll realize what kind of a jerk she's with and move on.

catemeg · July 2010

Very few people are properly educated on HPV. Everything Noelle said is correct - it can lie dormant for years, it's hard to track to an exact partner since there's no way to test men and they don't usually have symptoms. Now if it was herpes or ghonnorhea, that would be a bit different. So it's hard to say for sure he cheated on her and thus she got this disease.

Okay, now, first shame on you for checking his email. That was way out of line, and if you were my mother I'd be horrified that you violated both of our trust that way.

Second, he sounds like a slug. Try talking to your daughter about it, and do tell her what you did. She may be mad at you for awhile, but she deserves to know the truth before she ties herself to this jackass permanently.

bethsmiles · July 2010

Personally I would want my mom to tell me (and I know she would). It really depends on your daughter's relationship with you. My mom and I are really close and if she had concerns about my BF I would address those immediatly because I know both her and my father have really good character judgement and wouldn't speak up unless they had witnessed some very big red flags.

I don't know anything about HPV but I do know that everything else in your post seems very sketchy. Your daughter might be mad you snooped but if he really is a jerk then hopefully she will thank you in the end for giving her a heads up.

jeanacorina · July 2010

I would be HORRIFIED if my mom read my SO's email. I would be so incredibly angry. I have always been a BIG believer in personal space and self-control. Apparently I'm in the minority. I think people should be allowed to feel they are trusted and can seek out companionship in whatever (healthy) way they see fit.

I'm talking about your daughter, not her jackass guy. By snooping on him, you essentially show her that you don't trust her judgment. Be prepared for some backlash, depending on how your daughter feels about that sort of thing (I wouldn't speak to my mom for MONTHS if she snooped on me or DH).

However, I think you SHOULD tell her. She may not believe you, she will likely be angry, and she'll probably blame it on you because you're there. You SHOULD NOT have involved yourself in her relationship, but you did. And she needs to know her BF is acting pretty sly.

I'm so torn on this. She should have found out on her own. But if you tell her she'll probably figure it out pretty quickly, even if she is too upset to believe you at first.

jemmini6 · July 2010

if this were me, and my mom looked through my BF's email, i'd be kind of pissed. but i would be way more pissed if she let me marry him, he cheated, and she knew what he was the whole time.

just tell your daughter the truth that you had some suspicions, he left his email open at your house, and you took that opportunity to either confirm or refute them. i would let her decide how to deal with the information and her relationship since there is no conrete proof he has already cheated, but his behavior certainly suggests that he probably will in the future.

bethsmiles · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mom-needs-helphelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c0da7378-1e4e-4938-9174-1ec38c102cc4Post:1d1b7a34-b2af-4fcf-bda0-c80df898fe66">Re: MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be HORRIFIED if my mom read my SO's email. I would be so incredibly angry. I have always been a BIG believer in personal space and self-control. Apparently I'm in the minority.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]
I don't think you are in the minority. I would be pissed if my mom read my BF's or my e-mail. But since that shipped has sailed I think people are just focusing on if she should tell her daughter about it or not.

desertsun · July 2010

Hmm, this is tricky.

In situations where someone knows something about someone else's partner, I usually advise keeping out of it.

And, there's no doubt that you did something wrong here.

That said, I think you'd only be compounding your mistake by NOT telling her. Pretending like you don't know is a deceit in itself, and she will eventually find out the truth about her BF, and then what do you say?

Come clean, admit your mistake, apologize, and let her know what you saw. Try not to come over all anti-BF. Keep your personal opinions out of it, and just let her know what you saw, and then let her decide how to deal with it. Support her in whatever her decision is.

What a horrible situation. I hope it all works out and that your daughter finds happiness. Please keep us updated!

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mom-needs-helphelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c0da7378-1e4e-4938-9174-1ec38c102cc4Post:2901d429-c306-46d3-8278-85a00f1385b2">Re: MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]if this were me, and my mom looked through my BF's email, i'd be kind of pissed. but i would be way more pissed if she let me marry him, he cheated, and she knew what he was the whole time.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

Truth.

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mom-needs-helphelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c0da7378-1e4e-4938-9174-1ec38c102cc4Post:c71516fc-5d12-4bd5-9754-fcee7a4d48d8">Re: MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long) : But since that shipped has sailed I think people are just focusing on if she should tell her daughter about it or not.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Oh, I know. But I chose to disregard that and focus on my gut feeling- which is, <em>that was a terrible thing to do.</em>

Whether to tell or not doesn't seem to even be a question to me. I think, yes, she should tell her daughter. But if she were my mom, she would need to be prepared for quite a bit of wrath. I was expressing that.

noelle24 · July 2010

I agree that it WAS a terrible thing to do. But it's done, and she can't change or forget what she knows. Going off of that fact, I'd be way, WAY more pissed to find out later that my mom let me marry a skeezy jerk because she didn't want to make me angry at her for snooping.

In my mind snooping and not telling is the worse offense than just snooping alone.

Edit: I'd like to say that I wouldn't talk to her for months, but honestly, if my world was falling apart because I found out my FI was a cheating scumbag, I'd probably cave. After my FI, my mother is my rock in tough situations. NOT talking to her would just make me feel too hopeless. IDK, it depends on what her daughter's personality is like.

loopy82 · July 2010

I think you should tell your daughter. Do you want this guy as your potential son-in-law? I say its better for her to find out now before she has a ring on her finger. It may be easier for her to sort through this now, while he's her BF rather than her FI.

Acrosthec · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mom-needs-helphelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c0da7378-1e4e-4938-9174-1ec38c102cc4Post:63149aca-1e21-4ae3-9cf6-0ec75723d440">Re: MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Come clean, admit your mistake, apologize, and let her know what you saw. Try not to come over all anti-BF. Keep your personal opinions out of it, and just let her know what you saw, and then let her decide how to deal with it. Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

This would be my advice too. I'd be pretty upset at my mom for snooping, but if you presented it as "he left his email open on the computer, and I've suspicions about him for a while so I read a few and this is what I found," I would be more likely to forgive quicker. Especially if he turned out to be a sleaze.

Though from that point on I'd have a hard time trusting my mom with stuff, and would warn every single guy I was with for the rest of eternity not to check his email or do anything else somewhere that you could find it. But that kind of loss in trust comes with the territory of snooping I believe, and you're going to have to just deal with the fact that your daughter is going to be angry and probably feel betrayed to some extent, especially the younger she is (I would imagine).

When I was younger (high school), everything my mom tried to tell me was wrong and when it was bad about a friend, she was a b!tch. Now I try to listen a little more, though I still sometimes think her opinions are off. But I don't go flying off the handle at her, and I'm more likely to forgive her for a transgression.

katanne9 · July 2010

Ditto PPs.

I would want my mom to tell me. I'd probably get mad at her for snooping before I understand why though.

Could you live with yourself if you DIDN'T tell your daughter? I don't think I could.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

You really shouldn't have snooped...now look what you got yourself into.

seascape momma · July 2010

true, true, true, all true!!! lesson learned!

jeanacorina · July 2010

Man, you know, I've thought many times about what my mom must have gone through being MY mom (and still is, although it's way less mothering and a lot more friendship these days).

It's got to be really difficult to watch your adult children do things you believe to be a HUGE mistake, or you know something they don't... but you don't want to butt in because they're adults... but dang, it's gotta be hard not to.

I guess I think that way because I'm hella bossy.

joiner521 · July 2010

Please tell her. You are her mom and want the best for her. She has bought a house assuming that he was going to be with her, The big thing is that he gave her a nasty disease. That is a huge disrespect to her. I am angry and it did not even happen to me. Your daughter is way better off with someone else. Let that nasty, womanizing, free loading asshole carry his ass to his mama's house.

seascape momma · July 2010

Joiner521...you made me lol...thanks!

MOM NEEDS HELP,HELP, HELP (long)

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