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I'm so upset

melissa82melissa82 member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Washington-Seattle
I can't stop crying right now. I literally JUST finally started feeling excited for the wedding, and FI just made me so upset.

So most of you probably know that I've really been planning this wedding alone. FI has a really demanding job and travels a lot, so he just couldn't devote any time to it and we joke that he's going to be a guest at the wedding. I truly did not mind the situation, to be completely honest I was excited to surprise him on our day and was really looking forward to seeing his reaction.

He is a private person and just seems to refuse to embrace this day at all. He just keeps complaining about having to dance with me and his mom in front of people, complains about photos, etc. I've let it slide off my back. Now he just came over and told me he does not want the videographer filming him getting ready.

We got two videographers JUST for this purpose. I know it's not the biggest deal in the world, I truly do, but I didn't really realize until now how much I was looking forward to getting to see those moments of him being a little nervous and excited and getting ready with his friends. And beyond that, it just feels like he will just continue to refuse to get into the day at all...like he's just keeping it at arm's length and is so afraid to show his feelings. And that he's really not taking into account my feelings or all the work I've put into making this happen. I'm sorry if this isn't making much sense, I'm just typing as I try to sort out how I feel. I know part of it is probably being emotional about the day in general, but I really just feel very lonely and like I'm the only one emotionally invested in the day.
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Re: I'm so upset

  • KST_KST_
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh Melissa! **Hugs*** I wish I could go smack your FI upside the head and give him a good talking to!! Maybe now's the time to have a sit down with him and tell him what you just posted here. I know some people would say, wait until you aren't feeling so emotional, but in this case I highly disagree. I think he NEEDS to see that you are upset about all this and that it really does matter to you! Perhaps if he sees how much you've invested in it and that you're hurt by his attitude (and yes, cry in front of him), he'll realize he needs to make some effort for the sake of the woman he says he loves so much he wants to marry and make a lifelong commitment to. **HUGS**
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  • melissa82melissa82 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the e-hugs =) I did send him an e-mail with a link to a highlight video I really like so he can see how it would actually be and explained how it made me feel when he says this stuff/changes things.
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  • KST_KST_
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Good!!
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  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Melissa - I'm so sorry you're upset now.  But is it possible that you're stressing about something that in the grand scheme of things really isn't actually that big of a deal, and that you may also be seeing a smaller issue (FI being shy) as a bigger issue (FI isn't invested in the wedding and maybe marriage)?  I hear that sometimes right before the wedding, brides can get over-focused on the details, and sometimes lose track of the bigger and actually important stuff (you and FI are getting married - yay!), so that's why I ask.

    I agree with KS - you need to talk to him.  But I'd recommend that you go in just to explain how you're feeling, share with him what you're worried about, and hear him out.  He legitimately may not want to be videotaped while getting ready - and that's ok.  He shouldn't have to be videotaped if he doesn't want to be.  But you should be reassured that he's on board with your other plans, and that he IS invested in this wedding.  Tell him you need to know that, and see what he says.

    I'm confident that if he's someone you consider worth marrying, he'll be able to reassure you and make you feel as though he's invested.  This may also be an opportunity to make sure you're on the same page with other details, and I'd do that now instead of in the moment when things can go awry and get really upsetting.

    Best of luck.  I'm sure you can work this out, but it sounds like you both need to sit down and talk - even if it's by phone - and devote some time to each other and the discussion.
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  • melissa82melissa82 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I truly do realize that it's not the biggest deal in the world if the prep ends up just being me. It's a huge waste of money and my time and effort, but at the end of the day it is what it is.

    But trust me when I tell you this not the first and only issue of this sort--in my heart of hearts I feel FI would have been much happier to do our original plan of a DW even though he was the one to decide to have the NJ wedding.

    I don't question his commitment to marriage, but he is aboslutely not invested in this day. He hasn't had any part in planning it, and I think at this point he cannot see the big picture but can only focus on his issues with having people see something that he feels is private.

    I also KNOW that he will regret this. We've been together six years, and he wishes he could have embraced many things that have since passed. His introspectiveness is the reason he is so successful at such a young age--it makes him feel inadequate so he is constantly striving to be better and so it makes him successful, but unfortunately he can never enjoy his successes because he is never satisfied with himself and always wondering what people think of him, can't stop going over "mistakes" he made, etc. He has seen a counselors to address these issues.
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  • TygirljojoTygirljojo
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    *hugs* I'm sorry, Melissa.  If it makes you feel any better, I can relate to feeling hurt when something you've looked forward to about the wedding and had your heart set on and put the effort into planning is unappreciated by FI.  I'm glad you sent him an email.  Like KST mentioned, if I were in your shoes, I would cry in front of him so he sees how much it hurts and realizes he needs to be more aware of what he says and does affects you and all the hard work (yes, it is hard work) you've put into planning this whole thing. 

    I don't know if I understood part of your reply, so in your email to him, did you explain how what he said made you feel?  If not, I would recommend writing it out to him as well.  I know for myself, it's easier to get out all I need to get out in an email or letter without breaking down and crying and then forgetting some of the points I wanted to say.
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  • melissa82melissa82 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah I did explain in my e-mail how I felt. When he told me, I did start crying and was just getting so upset I asked him to leave and walked away. I, too, find it much easier to write things out...when I try to talk when I'm upset I can't focus and forget everything I want to say and just cry. =)
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  • jennuinnejennuinne member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So sorry.  It sucks when you're all stressed out and invested and FI doesn't get it.  I agree with PP, you need to talk to him in person and explain how you feel.  I also agree, though, that you need to listen to him.  My FI is extremely shy and did not want anything that put too much attention on him, and I've tried to accomodate that.  Early on I felt the same way, that he wasn't into any of the details and it hurt my feelings.  Now, although he still isn't into ALL the details, he has embraced the wedding and is finally excited.

    Is  there some part of the wedding -- the food or music-- that FI would be excited about?  If you can find something that he cares about, get him invovled in that part and let me make the calls so he gets invested in the day too.  When is your wedding?  If it isn't for a while, hopefully they'll be time for him to get on board. 

    Sorry.  Hopefully he'll get on board or at least appreciate how it affects you.
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  • jennuinnejennuinne member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, forgot its NYE.  So, I guess all you can do its talk to FI about.  Maybe he could have a drink before...so he won't be so shy?
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  • melissa82melissa82 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Um, yeah our wedding is in 4 days, lol.

    I feel a lot better now. I just needed to get my emotions out and tell let him know how I feel. If it doesn't change anything that's fine, I just needed to speak my mind. Thanks for lettng me vent.
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  • jeannigirljeannigirl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wanted to add I know that it can be a bit upsetting that he isn't into all this planning has you are. Alot of men are like that they just aren't into all those details. Mine is like that has well he isn't into all that like I am but I know what he likes and what he doesn't. He has thrown out what he wants and what he doesn't.

    I do what to say I diagree with the advice of crying to your mate truthfully its a way to guilt someone and its really doesn't serve the purpose. I think wjen you are very emotional then you need to step away from it and gain some perspective and calm yourself then approach him and just let him know how you have been feeling. Don't tell him when you do this it makes me feel this way. Its really a choice if we want to let whatever it is upset us. 

    Melissa it will be ok because he wants to marry you or he would not have asked. Has far has his request if he doesn't want to be videotaped then let it go.  I agree that there are things that he needs to do because it is important to you like the couples dance. It doesn't have to be long.I think that both of you need to be able to compromise with each other. 
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  • saracksarack
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm really sorry Melissa! I would be very upset about the whole issue and the fact that your wedding is coming in just a few days doesn't help. 

    I agree with PP that you definately need to talk to him and cry in front of him because maybe only then he will see how much this is hurting you. I also would bring up the issue that you don't want him to regret the decisions he makes on this day because this is one day you can't redo. I would gently bring up the issue that he has regretting things in the past. PLUS, if he is the one who decided on the NJ wedding, he should understand how big it is. You haven't asked him to help with the planning, the least he can do is just go with the flow. I would probably tell him ok and then send the videographer there anyway.. haha. thats just me.

    FI still to this day will tell people he'd rather just go to the courthouse to get married or have a DW. He is doing this for me but really hasn't made that many requests or refused anything. I guess we'll see that when it gets closer. I know everything will work out. I know your day will be beautiful and everything will work out. And, who knows, maybe NYE will be the day that he decides to open up a little. I think it will really hit him and he'll get a little emotional too. 

    I'm thinking about you!
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