Destination Wedding Rules

jrkjpf · August 2012

We were suppose to have wed in 2 weeks, but we decided a few months ago that it was best to postpone for several reasons. Not only did we get in over our heads with planning, money, etc, but we lost touch with the real reason of the event. Not to mention any time i tried to contact our venue, i would receive no return call or e-mail, found out yesterday that a mass majority of the staff had been fired after new owners took over. Nice of them to contact me, right?

Anyways, we started looking locally for another venue, but decided we both really want a destination wedding, and have no idea how a plan like that works. Do we invite our closest friends and family, and then have a big party when we get back to celebrate? Do just the 2 of us go away? How would invitations and announcements be handled? If we do go the route of inviting close friends and family, how would we handle the resort, do we pay for their stay?

Sorry for all the seemingly silly questions, I just want to get an idea and route of what we should be doing.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

We had a destination wedding in Bermuda.

We picked a hotel there with a wedding coordinator. I highly recommend this. She knew all the vendors, could tell me what worked and what didn't at their hotel, and basically planned the whole thing. We did not have to pay extra for her. She got us great flowers, a great photographer, a violinist, a videographer, and planned an excellent meal. I have zero complaints. It was also a ton of less stress - I didn't have to meet with any vendors. She did it all. YAY.

Aside from that, destination weddings are usually smaller, but you are free to invite anyone you want to come witness your ceremony. You do not have to pay for anyone's travel. The only thing I will say is that if you decide to have your wedding at an AI resort, you have to pay the entrance fee for guests who are not staying at the resort. Aside from that - you're free to pick wherever you want.

People will decline. It's okay. Your turn out will be smaller. That's okay.

Because of this, many choose to have an AHR upon returning home. It's not necessary. We had one, but only because my parents insisted and offered to pay for it. They are not mandatory. However, you should invite the same group of people to both the ceremony and the AHR.

The only time it is okay to invite only to the AHR is when you have a truly private ceremony. This means parents, siblings, and their spouses only (not parents, spouses, a few friends, and an aunt or two - you have to draw CLEAR lines); the number should be less than 20 and your AHR numbers should be much much higher (at least 100).

EDIT: I said ceremony a lot. A destination wedding is a ceremony AND reception. You must recieve those guests at the destination with some sort of hosted event afterwards.

pink34562000 · August 2012

With destination weddings, you are not required to pay for your guests' hotel rooms nor airfare unless you want to.

I was invited to a destination wedding and found out I had to pay a few hundred dollars just to get into the reception. I was so happy that I didn't go b/c I couldn't afford this cost on top of airfare and hotel. (This extra cost wasn't even addressed on the invitation. I found out through other invited guests.)

Just like having a wedding back at home, you should pay for food/drinks and entrance fees for your guests.

If you decide that you and your FH want to only go together and elope, you may want to tell both your parents and VIP guests if you are close to them. My parents and his parents would be so upset if they were not invited to our ceremony.

DramaGeek · August 2012

You've got three basic options, as I see it:

1, Invite everyone you would normally invite. This doesn't mean they'll all come, but it does mean you need to be prepared to host them all properly. Hosting properly, in this situation, would mean paying for at least their attendance to the wedding and reception, which should be a full dinner instead of punch and cake. It would also be nice to host appetizers the night before, but not required.

2, All of #1 but also host an AHR for those who couldn't attend the destination wedding. Note that the two should be the same guest list.

3, Have a very small (immediate family only, think 12-15 people, or just the two of you) DW and host an AHR for the big guest list afterward.

Please do not do a medium to large guest list for the DW and then have additional people invited to the AHR. It's quite rude.

WinstonsGirl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:a883ee90-a8cd-4e8c-a84f-a05232ee9e52">Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE] Do we invite our closest friends and family, and then have a big party when we get back to celebrate? Do just the 2 of us go away? How would invitations and announcements be handled? If we do go the route of inviting close friends and family, how would we handle the resort, do we pay for their stay?
Posted by jrkjpf[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>We did a DW to Hawaii and it was the best decision we made. We also had a WC through the hotel at no cost who organized everything. We weren't too concerned with details, so having a couple of choices (roses, or tropical bouquet), picking and leaving it up to the venue was perfect for us. </div><div>
</div><div>We invited everyone we would have wanted at the wedding here, along with some friends of our parents. I believe we had 125 invited and 40 came with us, which was a perfect size. We gave everyone just over a years notice so people had time to save up if they were interested in coming. We also did it over our Spring Break (I teach) so that the other teachers and people with kids in school wouldn't have to miss work. We didn't pay for anyone's stay, and many chose to island hop after the wedding on their own vacation.</div><div>
</div><div>Invites went out about 10 weeks ahead, partially as several were going to South America for DH's family, and also cos everyone kept asking for them. We didn't do announcements as we had told everyone we were interested in informing. </div><div>
</div><div>We also had an AHR, at my Mom's insistance. We really hadn't wanted one, as we had an awesome reception after the ceremony. It was super low-key, open house style "Meet and Greet the New Couple" in their backyard. Apps, finger food, wine, beer, pop and cake pops. It was actually really nice as a lot of my family who couldn't make the trip due to their advancing age and health were able to attend this. In the end, I'm glad we did it. </div><div>
</div><div>As for who to invite, ask who you want to be there. If there are certain people you absolutely must have there (our immediatly families for us), check with them first to make sure they can make it. If you don't want anyone there, then just have the 2 of you go. It's your choice.</div><div>
</div><div>Be willing to be flexable, as you likely won't get to meet with vendors before hand and may not be able to get exactly what you want. And use lots of reviews. Come visit us on the Destination Weddings Board (under wedding theme boards) to get ideas. For me the Hawaii local board was huge in getting recommendations for the few things we did book. Sorry for the novel and good luck!</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: many countries (Mexico, for example) have longer residency requirements before allowing you to get married, and some also have blood testing requirements. Make sure you look into that before you setting on a country. Most brides who go to Mexico do a ceremony with a JP and then have another ceremony at the DW with friends and family. I couldn't have 2 dates like that myself, so if that is important to you, make sure you find a place where you can do it legally. My friend got married in Cuba and wanted it legal there, so she did the paperwork (all notorized by a lawyer in spanish) to make it happen.

</div>

ginadog · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:a883ee90-a8cd-4e8c-a84f-a05232ee9e52">Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE]We were suppose to have wed in 2 weeks, but we decided a few months ago that it was best to postpone for several reasons. Not only did we get in over our heads with planning, money, etc, but we lost touch with the real reason of the event. Not to mention any time i tried to contact our venue, i would receive no return call or e-mail, found out yesterday that a mass majority of the staff had been fired after new owners took over. Nice of them to contact me, right? Anyways, we started looking locally for another venue, but decided we both really want a destination wedding, and have no idea how a plan like that works. Do we invite our closest friends and family, and then have a big party when we get back to celebrate? Do just the 2 of us go away? How would invitations and announcements be handled? If we do go the route of inviting close friends and family, how would we handle the resort, do we pay for their stay? Sorry for all the seemingly silly questions, I just want to get an idea and route of what we should be doing.
Posted by jrkjpf[/QUOTE]

Do you WANT people there at a DW? What are the chances of them going? You could just go off the two of you, go with an elopement package, etc, but then have an AHR when you return. Invitations could say

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were married private on X at Y
Please join us for a celebration on Z

If you do invite more people, then you do have to find a venue that would accomdate them all. I guess don't invite 100, thinking only 20 would really show up. Then you have to get a venue that would accomdate 100 should they all come!

We are having a DW with just two witnesses. I don't plan to have an AHR though. People are to scattered to coordinate any sort of party. I like that the lodge's wedding coordinator will take care of all the details. I just had to show pictures of flowers and cakes I liked!

stephcap32 · August 2012

I am getting married in Maui in November.
We chose to invite only the very closest friends and family- our guest list will end up just under 40, but we each have a large number of siblings with SO's. We are not paying for any accomodations, though we did provide affordable options through a travel agent. We are hosting a fully catered Welcome Dinner the night before the wedding. We really wanted our guests to be taken care of for coming all that way. A month after the wedding we will have an at home party, with a much, much larger guest list. But it will be more of an open house type party- just with drinks, apps and dessert. We will also play a slide show from the wedding.
Good luck! I am so happy we are doing it this way. The way I look at it I get to spend several days with the people who matter the very most to me. Spend some time thinking about who you really want there. And as a PP said, go to the destination wedding boards. They help a lot in terms of picking vendors etc- and get a wedding coordinator, I couldn't plan mine without her!

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:1dd68492-90ae-4736-a0e0-e7e732357d43">Re: Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE] ETA: many countries (Mexico, for example) have longer residency requirements before allowing you to get married, and some also have blood testing requirements. Make sure you look into that before you setting on a country. Most brides who go to Mexico do a ceremony with a JP and then have another ceremony at the DW with friends and family. I couldn't have 2 dates like that myself, so if that is important to you, make sure you find a place where you can do it legally. My friend got married in Cuba and wanted it legal there, so she did the paperwork (all notorized by a lawyer in spanish) to make it happen.
Posted by kje_[/QUOTE]

I agree with all the rest of your advice but this.

I think it's HELLA rude to be married in the US before flying to your destination. Why are all the guests flying to watch you recreate it? They won't be witnessing anything. If you want to get married in Mexico and make all your friends and family go there, then it better be real.

We chose Bermuda on purpose. We followed all the rules (which were easy) and married legally. I would never EVER have done it any other way.

I've also attended one of these "destination weddings after being already married" things and I was pissed off the whole time. What a waste of money.

WinstonsGirl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:62c25c68-5b05-48a8-aa93-9282bf15b480">Re: Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Destination Wedding Rules : I agree with all the rest of your advice but this. I think it's HELLA rude to be married in the US before flying to your destination. Why are all the guests flying to watch you recreate it? They won't be witnessing anything. If you want to get married in Mexico and make all your friends and family go there, then it better be real. We chose Bermuda on purpose. We followed all the rules (which were easy) and married legally. I would never EVER have done it any other way. I've also attended one of these "destination weddings after being already married" things and I was pissed off the whole time. What a waste of money.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with you Joy, hence why I wouldn't do it. But it is something that a lot of brides don't know about before they start looking, so I wanted to make her aware of it. Personally, I'd keep wondering why we were doing a ceremony when we were technically married the week before, or how it wasn't quite legal yet if we were doing it after. There are several options in the Caribbean to get married legally, but she needs to do her research first. </div>

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:dece2050-8680-4a2f-9f59-426fc78e2311">Re: Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Destination Wedding Rules : I agree with you Joy, hence why I wouldn't do it. But it is something that a lot of brides don't know about before they start looking, so I wanted to make her aware of it. Personally, I'd keep wondering why we were doing a ceremony when we were technically married the week before, or how it wasn't quite legal yet if we were doing it after. There are several options in the Caribbean to get married legally, but she needs to do her research first.
Posted by kje_[/QUOTE]

Gotcha!

hdhorn · August 2012

My H and I got married in Maui in July, just the 2 of us. It was the best decision we could have made. You do not have to have a witness in Hawaii. Our videographer streamed our ceremony live for our friends and family, some of them had viewing parties. We are planning a celebration party for everyone back home.

WildMagelet · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:29133157-9ca7-4502-b5c9-78ae5b4c1d8a">Re: Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE]You've got three basic options, as I see it: 1, Invite everyone you would normally invite. This doesn't mean they'll all come, but it does mean you need to be prepared to host them all properly. Hosting properly, in this situation, would mean paying for at least their attendance to the wedding and reception, which should be a full dinner instead of punch and cake. It would also be nice to host appetizers the night before, but not required. 2, All of #1 but also host an AHR for those who couldn't attend the destination wedding. Note that the two should be the same guest list. 3, Have a very small (immediate family only, think 12-15 people, or just the two of you) DW and host an AHR for the big guest list afterward. Please do not do a medium to large guest list for the DW and then have additional people invited to the AHR. It's quite rude.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Personally we're leaning towards #3, its not quite that small because we're both from blended families, but the invites are still like 16 vs 200. FI would rather elope, but our families want a big event so its a compromise to say the least.

saracastle30 · August 2012

I am having a destination wedding in November in Puerto Rico. My fiance and I decided to invite close friends and family. I agree with the earlier post. You will get a lot of regrets and that can be frustrating. But on the other hand, make sure that you make it extra special for the guests who do plan to travel. I am putting together welcome bags with books about my destination, snacks, and a local gift. The hotel will give these to my guests upon arrival. Also, I am doing a catered dinner the night before the wedding so my guests will not have to worry about dinner the night they arrive. I planned one group activity (kayaking) and also a breakfast the morning after. I have offered to pay for any of my relatives who may have financial constrictions, but so far, no one has actually taken me up on it. Instead, with enough notice, it seems that people have had enough time to save up for the trip. We are also doing a bigger reception when we get home. After planning and paying for it, I have buyer's remorse. I dont think that I would do it again. It is like planning two weddings and, honestly I am not sure that it will be worth it. So, if you are on the fence, opt for a more extravagant wedding for the guests who attend and forgo the larger party when you get back.

MarynWest · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdbd711f-1cec-4dbf-b0e4-0e92e2ddb06bPost:a883ee90-a8cd-4e8c-a84f-a05232ee9e52">Destination Wedding Rules</a>:
[QUOTE]We were suppose to have wed in 2 weeks, but we decided a few months ago that it was best to postpone for several reasons. Not only did we get in over our heads with planning, money, etc, but we lost touch with the real reason of the event. Not to mention any time i tried to contact our venue, i would receive no return call or e-mail, found out yesterday that a mass majority of the staff had been fired after new owners took over. Nice of them to contact me, right? Anyways, we started looking locally for another venue, but decided we both really want a destination wedding, and have no idea how a plan like that works. Do we invite our closest friends and family, and then have a big party when we get back to celebrate? Do just the 2 of us go away? How would invitations and announcements be handled? If we do go the route of inviting close friends and family, how would we handle the resort, do we pay for their stay? Sorry for all the seemingly silly questions, I just want to get an idea and route of what we should be doing.
Posted by jrkjpf[/QUOTE]

My FI and I decided on a cruise wedding. After helping two sisters get married locally I think its the best idea for me as I don't do well in big groups and high stress. We sent out 'save the date' cards as soon as we had our plan down and made sure we put our travel agents info on the cards so people could make arrangements on their own. It's so easy because I don't have to do much. They send us forms to fill out, we make a few decisions on like food and what kind of flowers and cake, and then send them back. They even provide the tux's so we don't have to travel with them. Its so easy and then then we get a week long vacation island hopping the Carribean. Then we're having an 'open house' when we get back for people who couldnt make it.

talybama · August 2012

My FI and I are having our wedding in Las Vegas and are only inviting our closest family and fiends. There are aprox. 30ish people going, and we are having a HUGE AHR with probably 100-200 guests. We honestly couldn't afford to invite everyone, and most of the family has been really understanding, and have said that they would rather go to the reception instead of traveling. We also plan on showing our wedding video at the reception, plus the Chapel we are getting married at offers online streaming of the ceremony, & a lot of people have said that since they could watch it from home, then celebrate with us later they were totally fine with it. But its YOUR decision, your'e going to ruffle feathers (trust me), but at the end of the day it should be about you and your FI, and not what everyone else thinks.

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