Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

A shower ettiquette caveat

faile556faile556 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Are there such things?

Is one supposed to decline parties/showers to be held in their honor when these parties are organized/thrown by those who are not invited to the wedding?

For example, in my particular instance I have an office full of women who I am not inviting to the wedding due to space constraints. Unfortunately I just couldn't swing it.

They, of their own volition, decided to throw me a shower and they are aware they're not invited to the wedding. Subsequently they also invited a whole bunch of women who also are not invited to the wedding. They are REALLY excited about this party, despite being fully aware that they aren't invited to the wedding. Personally I think they just like the excuse to throw a party.

I feel bad, I know that ettiquette says no wedding related parties with people who aren't invited to the whole shindig. Is there a disclaimer for those who knew they weren't invited and then organized something anyway?
Wedding Countdown Ticker

April 2013 March Siggy - Bridesmaid Dress

Report Reply to Post

Re: A shower ettiquette caveat

  • Options
    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Work or church showers are an exception. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Is this during work? Or like on a Saturday? I think that is a key point that will help us out a bit.

    As Addie said, church and work showers are a different story (a church shower after a Sunday service, or a work shower on a Thursday afternoon).
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    CranlyCranly member
    First Comment Name Dropper
    From what I understand, if the wedding shower is being thrown for you of their own choosing, you are not responsible for inviting them to the wedding.  i
    If you or your bridesmaids was throwing the shower and invited them to the shower, then you would have to invite them to the wedding.  

    i could be wrong, but that's how I understand it.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-shower-ettiquette-caveat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5df62bb-3d81-4260-bb49-e3af55ee8418Post:0fef1ee3-8bd4-4683-8395-097a3e7e7157">Re: A shower ettiquette caveat</a>:
    [QUOTE]Work or church showers are an exception. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    Indeed.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    faile556faile556 member
    First Comment
    This is a sunday afternoon event, at the host's house.

    On one hand, I would like to think I know that the rules of etiquette say no, no no they're not coming to the wedding, no shower. On the other hand, they're not coming to my wedding and this is the way they're choosing to participate in some way.

    In my defense, I didn't suggest it. I don't talk about wedding stuff at work. But the day I showed up with a ring on my finger the questions regarding things have been fast and furious ever since. I've managed to brush many of them off, change the subject, navigate around it as best I can. They never labored under the impression they would be invited as I'd said from day one that it would be a small, intimate wedding.

    I honestly think they'd be more upset that I declined the shower, in their minds it would be rude to deny them the one little thing they want to do.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    April 2013 March Siggy - Bridesmaid Dress

    Report Reply
  • Options
    AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Office showers are pretty common even when no one is invited to the wedding. This is fine!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its First Comment
    Work showers are fine.  As for when it takes place (during the work day versus, in this case a Sunday afternoon), I don't think it matters.  As long as those attending are all part of the work group (no one outside that circle) I think you're all clear.  Have fun!
    image
    Daisypath Anniversary tickersFollow Me on Pinterest
    Report Reply
  • Options
    reppunzelreppunzel member
    First Comment
    I feel that etiquette is basically a codification of the Golden Rule -- to do to others as you would have them do to you -- and maybe goes a step further to treating others better than you would expect to be treated / treat yourself.  Therefore, I believe that there is and should be some situational flexibility (work and church showers are one example).

    The standard guideline is there, as you seem to understand, to prevent the "you're good enough to give me a present, but not good enough to come to my party" which would be hurtful to shower-only guests. In your case, I agree that refusing -- saying  "no, I reject the shower that you're so excited and happy to be giving for me because rule 259 says it's not acceptable" -- is what would cause hurt and disappointment, so you are within the spirit/intent of etiquette to accept. 

    The shower-givers and attendees understand that you are having a small, intimate wedding and can't invite everyone you might want to.  They offered the shower; they want to be involved in celebrating with you in this way, and I think it's fine.  Go and have fun with these friends who are so happy for you!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    faile556faile556 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-shower-ettiquette-caveat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5df62bb-3d81-4260-bb49-e3af55ee8418Post:44545c6c-50e0-42d5-a611-c85ec585bb0d">Re: A shower ettiquette caveat</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel that etiquette is basically a codification of the Golden Rule -- to do to others as you would have them do to you -- and maybe goes a step further to treating others better than you would expect to be treated / treat yourself.  Therefore, I believe that there is and should be some situational flexibility (work and church showers are one example). The standard guideline is there, as you seem to understand, to prevent the "you're good enough to give me a present, but not good enough to come to my party" which would be hurtful to shower-only guests. In your case, I agree that refusing -- saying  "no, I reject the shower that you're so excited and happy to be giving for me because rule 259 says it's not acceptable" -- is what would cause hurt and disappointment, so you are within the spirit/intent of etiquette to accept.  The shower-givers and attendees understand that you are having a small, intimate wedding and can't invite everyone you might want to.  They offered the shower; they want to be involved in celebrating with you in this way, and I think it's fine.  Go and have fun with these friends who are so happy for you!
    Posted by reppunzel[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, that was put way more eloquently than I could ever manage. You captured the intent and my own hesitances perfectly.

    Thank you all!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    April 2013 March Siggy - Bridesmaid Dress

    Report Reply
  • Options
    rachelm13rachelm13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-shower-ettiquette-caveat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5df62bb-3d81-4260-bb49-e3af55ee8418Post:3f7fa424-5993-45df-991e-c1696a8b61f5">Re: A shower ettiquette caveat</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is this during work? Or like on a Saturday? I think that is a key point that will help us out a bit. As Addie said, church and work showers are a different story (a church shower after a Sunday service, or a work shower on a Thursday afternoon).
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]



    I have to know about the quote in your siggy. It makes me giggle every time!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    201 Invited image 139 Attending image 20 Declined image 42 Are making me wait image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    TheBaysideBrideTheBaysideBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Enjoy it! It's great that people are excited to celebrate your wedding. It's a happy time, and in life there are so many times we come together for sad things that it's lovely when people want to celebrate the happy events. it sounds like they don't expect anything in return.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards