Torn between budget and dreams!

denisedurand · February 2013

I got engaged two months ago to my long-time boyfriend (we have been together since high school). He is VERY MUCH the "saver" in the relationship and hates talking about spending money.

I am budget conscious too, but I guess I have more expensive taste. We have looked at a few venues so far and one of the lowest estimations we got for the WHOLE wedding (all-inclusive - food, dj, pics, etc) would be right around $13,000. He FREAKED out at this number. I think he doesn't have any idea what weddings really cost and that 13,000 is FANTASTIC in our area (san jose, CA).

The problem is, I don't love that venue, I love one that will cost closer to $20-25,000... Since we won't be married until 2015 or 2016 (a lot of changes going on in our lives to have it sooner) I do not see this as unreasonable because we have so much time to save..

Am I being rediculous? this is my WEDDING, a ONE DAY thing so I just keep thinking it needs to be what I want, which I do not think is unreasonable..

On the other hand, we will be moving out soon and have other things we will need to pay for...

Any advice?

DG1 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:64f3d847-1baa-474b-9a3a-ee31f4123c39">Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]I got engaged two months ago to my long-time boyfriend (we have been together since high school). He is VERY MUCH the "saver" in the relationship and hates talking about spending money. I am budget conscious too, but I guess I have more expensive taste. We have looked at a few venues so far and one of the lowest estimations we got for the WHOLE wedding (all-inclusive - food, dj, pics, etc) would be right around $13,000. He FREAKED out at this number. I think he doesn't have any idea what weddings really cost and that 13,000 is FANTASTIC in our area (san jose, CA). The problem is, I don't love that venue, I love one that will cost closer to $20-25,000... Since we won't be married until 2015 or 2016 (a lot of changes going on in our lives to have it sooner) I do not see this as unreasonable because we have so much time to save.. Am I being rediculous? this is my WEDDING, a ONE DAY thing so I just keep thinking it needs to be what I want, which I do not think is unreasonable.. On the other hand, we will be moving out soon and have other things we will need to pay for... Any advice?
Posted by denisedurand[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>OR, you could say "It's a ONE DAY thing" and not spend 3 YEARS of savings on a single day.</div><div>
</div><div>Depending on your guest count (you do have a guest count, right?), $13k in San Jose could be either a great deal or a ripoff. </div><div>
</div><div>Really, though, it's not about the money. It's about the two of you being on the same page or at least getting there with clear, civil communication and no resentment. Financial disagreements will not end with the wedding. If you marry this person, it's something you'll have to deal with for every major (and maybe minor) purchase<em> for the rest of your life</em>. Cars, houses, childcare, schools, clothes, summer camp for the kids, furniture - it does. not. end.

</div>

thejucheidea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:7bbdfc1d-f09c-43f2-aca8-f40c857a5125">Re: Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Torn between budget and dreams! : OR, you could say "It's a ONE DAY thing" and not spend 3 YEARS of savings on a single day. Depending on your guest count (you do have a guest count, right?), $13k in San Jose could be either a great deal or a ripoff. Really, though, it's not about the money. It's about the two of you being on the same page or at least getting there with clear, civil communication and no resentment. Financial disagreements will not end with the wedding. If you marry this person, it's something you'll have to deal with for every major (and maybe minor) purchase for the rest of your life . Cars, houses, childcare, schools, clothes, summer camp for the kids, furniture - it does. not. end.
Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

This, ALL of this. I'm not particularly enamored by the thought of having a wedding and spending a lot of money, but our families want to share in our joy for one day then we get the marriage to ourselves. The day isn't all about you -- it's about him and your guests. If he doesn't feel comfortable spending $12,000 more than what you've already proposed to him, then you need to accept that and move on. Spend that money on your house or something equally practical.

I don't understand this whole 'I've been dreaming of this perfect day for my entire life'. It's so weird.

denisedurand · February 2013

I guess I should have specified we do not have these arguments all the time. We are both very much on the same page *generally* about money and things of the sort, although he is more of the saver, like I said, which is completely normal to me because my parents and his share the same dynamic in their relationships.

It IS my one perfect day, I am very much the bride who has been planning her wedding since she was five, and I don't think that's wrong or weird.. I would feel weird if I WASN'T so into my wedding.

I would never spend money I do not have, but I am projecting to be able to save enough money to be able to spend it comfortably, what I think is "normal" cost-wise for a wedding, he does not.

What I am looking for is advice on whether this is too much for a wedding or not, putting mine and my fiance's feelings about money aside.

GBCK · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:76a1ea0f-7625-4e37-a3d1-731d18702ab8">Re: Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]t. What I am looking for is advice on whether this is too much for a wedding or not, putting mine and my fiance's feelings about money aside.
Posted by denisedurand[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>the thing is, 'to much/not to much/just enough/whatdafuq' is ALL about your and your FI's feelings about money.</div><div>That's all there is to talk about--nothing else is pertinent.</div><div>
</div><div>There is no objective measurement.</div><div>
</div><div>Do I consider that to much? HELL YES.</div><div>Would you consider the amount I spent on my wedding to little/missing parts of the day that you would value, etc? yup. I was happy w/ my cheap wedding. You wouldn't be.

</div>

tawillers · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:76a1ea0f-7625-4e37-a3d1-731d18702ab8">Re: Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I should have specified we do not have these arguments all the time. We are both very much on the same page *generally* about money and things of the sort, although he is more of the saver, like I said, which is completely normal to me because my parents and his share the same dynamic in their relationships. It IS my one perfect day, I am very much the bride who has been planning her wedding since she was five, and I don't think that's wrong or weird.. I would feel weird if I WASN'T so into my wedding. I would never spend money I do not have, but I am projecting to be able to save enough money to be able to spend it comfortably, what I think is "normal" cost-wise for a wedding, he does not. What I am looking for is advice on whether this is too much for a wedding or not, putting mine and my fiance's feelings about money aside.
Posted by denisedurand[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter if we think it's too much for a wedding.

You need to realize that the bigger issue here is HOW you are going to resolve this. I feel like you are looking for a message board to say "Oh, girl, that's a steal. Tell your man he doesn't know what he's talking about." so you can show it to him and tell him he's wrong.

This is going to take compromise from both sides. Have you guys sat down and created a budget? Create a list of things (invitations, dj, flowers, transportation, etc) you are willing to spend more money on and things you are willing to cut out or cut back on. By making this list, you will see which elements of the party are important to each of you.

Why is your wedding dream more important than his not-wanting-to-spend-so-much feeling? Compromise. Learn it now.

*Barbie* · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:76a1ea0f-7625-4e37-a3d1-731d18702ab8">Re: Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I should have specified we do not have these arguments all the time. We are both very much on the same page *generally* about money and things of the sort, although he is more of the saver, like I said, which is completely normal to me because my parents and his share the same dynamic in their relationships. <strong> It IS my one perfect day, I am very much the bride who has been planning her wedding since she was five, and I don't think that's wrong or weird.. I would feel weird if I WASN'T so into my wedding. </strong>I would never spend money I do not have, but I am projecting to be able to save enough money to be able to spend it comfortably, what I think is "normal" cost-wise for a wedding, he does not. What I am looking for is advice on whether this is too much for a wedding or not, putting mine and my fiance's feelings about money aside.
Posted by denisedurand[/QUOTE]

<div>there's a lot of "i want" here. </div><div>
</div><div>how can you plan your perfect wedding at the age of 5, without having any idea who you will be in 20-40 years? without having any idea who you will marry or what he will want?</div><div>
</div><div>you're not getting married for at least 2-3 years, so i don't get why all of this hardcore planning/budgeting is happening now. have you factored in inflation? What you're getting today for $13K could easily cost you $14-15K in 2-3 years. Your $20K wedding today could cost you $23-$25K. </div><div>
</div><div>Establish a joint wedding savings account, figure out how much you as a couple can contribute every month, and then revisit the budget discussion when you're 12 or so months out from when you'd like to get married. </div>

speedyblazer11 · February 2013

"this is my WEDDING, a ONE DAY thing so I just keep thinking it needs to be what I want... It IS my one perfect day..." (this is your quote).

1. it is not just your wedding, its FI wedding too and his budget concerns should matter just as much as yours.
2. it is just 1 day. 24 hours. is that 24 hours worth fighting over a budget when you guys arent getting married for YEARS? get the house, save what money you can, then when it is actually time to start getting a venue look at your budget again. and decide TOGETHER what you could both live with, and then adjust your "dream" to that.
3. there is no such thing as the PERFECT wedding day. i have never heard a woman or man say that their wedding day went how they thought it would. kids run down the aisle and ruin pics, or they cry during your vows. or someone drinks too much and causes a scene. it will not be perfect and the sooner you understand that they better.

now i don't mean to bust your bubble, ruin your fairytale or seem like queen b!tch. i hope that you can sit down and decided what makes you both happy. and you have sooo much time. enjoy being engaged and save this stress for later. good luck.

thejucheidea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:76a1ea0f-7625-4e37-a3d1-731d18702ab8">Re: Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]It IS my one perfect day, I am very much the bride who has been planning her wedding since she was five, and I don't think that's wrong or weird.. I would feel weird if I WASN'T so into my wedding.
Posted by denisedurand[/QUOTE]
When you were five, you probably still believed that you could become a fairy tale princess and didn't know that items and services cost money because you had no concept of the idea of money. Carrying over dreams and wishes from Kindergarten accomplishes nothing.

If you and your fiancé generally agree with budgeting, then you need to realize that if this is a sticking point in an otherwise harmonious financial situation, there's something wrong.

denisedurand · February 2013

ok ladies thanks for the realistic yet somewhat harsh input. i have somewhat readjusted my views and priorities which i am sure will promote smooth sailing!

[Deleted User] · February 2013

For the record 13k for an all-inclusive wedding in San Jose is terrific. What venue were you looking at, Freedom Hall?

denisedurand · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_torn-between-budget-and-dreams?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7c67b1eb-c269-4b42-8e18-697533cd7404Post:e2d2ddcf-cdd3-4bc5-ad81-9cb5f70e07f6">Re: Torn between budget and dreams!</a>:
[QUOTE]For the record 13k for an all-inclusive wedding in San Jose is terrific. What venue were you looking at, Freedom Hall?

<div>i know right?? eagle ridge golf club in gilroy. the prob is i dont love it! but i have found several other venues that wont break bank!</div>

Torn between budget and dreams!

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