MOH out of line? (kinda long)

missmayberry · April 2012

ok, maybe i'm wrong... but i'm not sure how to handle this... it's a money thing... our wedding is gonna be pretty small, very DIY, etc. FI and i are paying for pretty much everything, so the budget has been low. We each have one attendant. his brother and his wife. it's a country wedding, so we're all wearing western boots. i told my MOH that as her gift I would buy her a brand new pair of nice boots. and i budgeted about $200 for this, because i wanted them to be NICE. mine are awesome, and i want hers to be as well. she threw a big fit because she didn't want me to spend $$ on her, even though this was her GIFT... so, we found her some very nice boots on a clearance rack for $80 (yay me!) so she and i were both thrilled. and, i gave her free reign on her dress. her criteria was it needs to be chocolate brown and as long as her boobs and butt don't hang out i'm fine with it. so, she was on the hunt. and, she refused to pay more than $50 for a dress, which is ok, but she went back and forth on dress sights FOREVER... finally found one for about $32... bought it. then, got a boob job. dress no longer fits. >_< now we're on the hunt again. finally found another dress. $12... yay... hopefully it fits her enhancements. so, she's griped about buying TWO dresses. NOT MY FAULT SHE GOT A BOOB JOB TWO MONTHS BEFORE MY WEDDING. which also drained her financially and she pushes in my face all the time. then, my FI wanted his BM (her hubby) and him to match (who would've thought). so, they recently (FINALLY!) picked out their jeans and shirts and boots. well, she had to throw a fit about how much the jeans cost, and the shirt, and the boots. so, she found the jeans online for about $25 cheaper.. yay, i also took advantage of this. but she hasn't bought them yet. or the shirt. and, she's still griping about buying them. and, she's going against my FI wishes and saying her hubby is just gonna wear some old boots that he has. UGH! we told them LONG ago that this would be their responsibility and they were totally in agreement. and, she just texted me and told me that my cake for my wedding shower this weekend cost her $50 and she's so totally broke now. I NEVER ASKED HER TO DO THAT!!! and, now we're so close to the wedding that we can't budget in buying his boots for him if they aren't going to... and, i don't know that her hubby even knows she's made this decision.... she's making me guilty and terrible and mad!!! am i wrong? sorry so long, but i'm really frustrated... i feel bad and i don't feel bad all at the same time.... UGH!!!! what do i do? just let her talk and get over it, or say something to her? i don't want her to be mad, cuz the world already revolves around her, even though it's my wedding, because i'm sure she'll make a huge stink and make everyone miserable. 30 days to go and this is what is stressing me... bleh!!!!!

SarahPLiz · April 2012

While you can't really tell other people how to spend their money, It seems like you have been accomodating and tried to make it easy on her. She is being difficult, and I'm sorry. It won' t be the end of the world if the best man ends up with different boots though, so you might should just stop worrying about it. Its not doing anything but making you stressed. Just let it be.

button6004 · April 2012

how is this an etiquette issue?

pkontk · April 2012

First of all, your post would be much easier to read and respond to if you broke it into paragraphs. You're clearly upset by this, but it is in your best interest (in order to get advice and have people read the whole post) to make the post easier to read.

Your FMIL may wear whatever she would like. She doesn't need your permission to get a specific dress for the wedding. She is a grown woman and may dress herself. And what does it matter that she got a 'boob job' two months before the wedding? Its her decision because, again, she is an adult.

Her husband is best man? Your FI does have a say in his attire, then. I think you should stay out of that and let your FI deal with that.

And how nice of her to make a cake for your shower. $50 is a lot of money to spend on a homemade baked good.

MrsKathyC · April 2012

Hell, I'd stop talking to her and talk directly to her husband.

lyndausvi · April 2012

I'm sorry you are so stressed about this, but they are just BOOTS. Really, just boots. I really hope you do not have the type of guests who care about what's on the BM's feet on your wedding day.

She is being annoying. I get that, but don't sweat the small stuff. What's on the BM's feet is not really important.

harpsdesire · April 2012

Yeah she's out of line in the sense that her behavior is kind of rude, and if she knew she was going to be changing size (I assume the boob job was planned in advance), she should have waited to buy the dress or bought up a size or something.... yeah, that is not your fault.

But I think all these things fall under the 'not worth stressing too much' umbrella. Personally I'd try to let it go. It's annoying, but in the long run I think it will probably all work out. Your wedding is going to be lovely even if the BM wears old boots and the MOH whines about every step of the process.

aragx6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:a69b3e72-9a25-499d-baf2-d6c4a2d7828f">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, your post would be much easier to read and respond to if you broke it into paragraphs. You're clearly upset by this, but it is in your best interest (in order to get advice and have people read the whole post) to make the post easier to read. Your FMIL may wear whatever she would like. She doesn't need your permission to get a specific dress for the wedding. She is a grown woman and may dress herself. And what does it matter that she got a 'boob job' two months before the wedding? Its her decision because, again, she is an adult. Her husband is best man? Your FI does have a say in his attire, then. I think you should stay out of that and let your FI deal with that. And how nice of her to make a cake for your shower. $50 is a lot of money to spend on a homemade baked good.
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

Not FMIL, MOH.

It's not unreasonable to expect your MOH and FI's BM to get the clothes you asked them to, but you don't get to judge how others spend their money. She sounds as though she's being difficult, but try to pull some attention away from the wedding and enjoy some time together. This is your best friend right?

pkontk · April 2012

Yeah, ok, I definitely misread that. It does make a difference that this is your SIL/MOH. I was a little confused why your FMIL's husband would be bet man. Blame it on me not yet finishing my coffee

I think at this point it isn't worth stressing yourself out about it. Even if her boobs are out of control, it will only reflect poorly on you (and in years to come you can laugh at those pics in the wedding album.) If she insists on being difficult, just ignore it. Could she get one of her current dresses tailored to make up for the breast size increase?

I still stand by my statement that your FI should deal with the boots issue.

mari0225 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:172d0749-19aa-4f41-bafb-c116691ff52a">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah she's out of line in the sense that her behavior is kind of rude, and if she knew she was going to be changing size (I assume the boob job was planned in advance), she should have waited to buy the dress or bought up a size or something.... yeah, that is not your fault. But I think all these things fall under the 'not worth stressing too much' umbrella. Personally I'd try to let it go. It's annoying, but in the long run I think it will probably all work out. Your wedding is going to be lovely even if the BM wears old boots and the MOH whines about every step of the process.
Posted by harpsdesire[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Just try and relax, honestly no one is going to care what is on his feet and if they do, they lead sad little lives.

JaxInBlue · April 2012

Before you decided on your bridal party attire, did you ask your FBIL and FSIL what their budget was? It's great that you are giving her a lot of options on her dress, but it sounds like you and your FI want something really specific for FBIL to wear. Did you know what his budget was for attire before you started shopping? If you didn't, and you can't afford to help with the specific items, I think you'll have to see if you can work out a compromise with them - maybe FBIL can buy the specific jeans and shirt but can wear the old boots. Or maybe he can by the boots, but use a shirt and jeans he already has.

I also think this is something your FI needs to work out with FBIL, not something you should be working on through your FSIL. He can think about giving FBIL a reminder than things need to be ordered by X date, in order to arrive in time for the wedding - but first he needs to make sure FBIL has the budget to accommodate your requests; if FBIL doesn't, you need to adjust your expectations of his attire or come up with the money yourselves if specific attire is that important.

You need to work on hiding whatever disdain you have for her recent "enhancement" and how she spends her/their money; you don't get a say in that. And anything you buy for her to use in the wedding isn't a gift; it's as much for your and your look as it is for her, if not more.

lbarr088 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:dc223306-2698-4442-acfa-a13ee8c96d19">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]how is this an etiquette issue?
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]

<div>How is this not being an etiquette issue an issue? There are plenty of non-E related posts on this board.</div>

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:a25ae3fa-c13b-4a2c-a339-186c11760f69">MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, maybe i'm wrong... but i'm not sure how to handle this... it's a money thing... our wedding is gonna be pretty small, very DIY, etc. FI and i are paying for pretty much everything, so the budget has been low. We each have one attendant. his brother and his wife. it's a country wedding, so we're all wearing western boots.<font color="#0000FF"> <strong>i told my MOH that as her gift I would buy her a brand new pair of nice boots.</strong></font><strong> It's not a 'gift' if it's something you are requiring them to wear in your wedding</strong> and i budgeted about $200 for this, because i wanted them to be NICE. mine are awesome, and i want hers to be as well. she threw a big fit because she didn't want me to spend $$ on her, even though this was her GIFT... so, we found her some very nice boots on a clearance rack for $80 (yay me!) so she and i were both thrilled. and, i gave her free reign on her dress. her criteria was it needs to be chocolate brown and as long as her boobs and butt don't hang out i'm fine with it. so, she was on the hunt. and, she refused to pay more than $50 for a dress, which is ok, but she went back and forth on dress sights FOREVER... finally found one for about $32... bought it. then, got a boob job. dress no longer fits. >_< now we're on the hunt again. finally found another dress. $12... yay... hopefully it fits her enhancements. <strong><font color="#0000FF">so, she's griped about buying TWO dresses. NOT MY FAULT SHE GOT A BOOB JOB TWO MONTHS BEFORE MY WEDDING</font>. That is a pretty stupid thing for her to complain about, especially since BOTH dresses are still below the budget she originally set for herself. No point in stewing over it though, let her complain all she wants, she can't exactly use her boobs as a legit excuse for her complaining anyways</strong>. which also drained her financially and she pushes in my face all the time. then, my FI wanted his BM (her hubby) and him to match (who would've thought). so, they recently (FINALLY!) picked out their jeans and shirts and boots. well, <strong><font color="#0000FF">she had to throw a fit about how much the jeans cost, and the shirt, and the boots. so, she found the jeans online for about $25 cheaper</font>. If they picked those out together, I'm assuming they agreed on the price, so it sounds like she's just complaining about nothing. It's annoying, but again, just don't worry about it too much.</strong> yay, i also took advantage of this. but she hasn't bought them yet. or the shirt. and, she's still griping about buying them. and, she's going against my FI wishes and <strong><font color="#0000FF">saying her hubby is just gonna wear some old boots that he has. UGH! we told them LONG ago that this would be their responsibility</font> If you want them to wear specific shoes, especially purchasing very specific shoes, then YOU need to buy them, and it's NOT a gift. It's a uniform</strong>. and they were totally in agreement. and, she just texted me and told me that <strong><font color="#0000FF">my cake for my wedding shower this weekend cost her $50 and she's so totally broke now. I NEVER ASKED HER TO DO THAT!!! </font>She's wrong to blame you for that, as it was clearly her decision to spend that money.</strong> and, now we're so close to the wedding that we can't budget in buying his boots for him if they aren't going to... and, i don't know that her hubby even knows she's made this decision.... she's making me guilty and terrible and mad!!! am i wrong? sorry so long, but i'm really frustrated... i feel bad and i don't feel bad all at the same time.... UGH!!!! <strong><font color="#0000FF">what do i do? just let her talk and get over it, or say something to her?</font> You need to let the boots go. He already owns a pair, so it's not like he'll throw off the look, they just won't be new. As for the rest of her financial complaints, just let it go. She obviously put herself in that position and just wants someone to blame.</strong> i don't want her to be mad, cuz the world already revolves around her, even though it's my wedding, because i'm sure she'll make a huge stink and make everyone miserable. <strong><font color="#0000FF">30 days to go and this is what is stressing me...</font>Stop stressing about things you can't control, seriously, it helps a ton. </strong> bleh!!!!!
Posted by missmayberry[/QUOTE]

Kimmyznc · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:43488b46-cbe0-441a-bd9a-076996ebc99a">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH out of line? (kinda long) :
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

The first bolded part... I did not know this. I was planning on buying all my BM's bracelets to wear with their bridesmaid dresses along with a bottle of wine. Should I do something else with the wine? I had no clue that buying something for them to wear day of was not considered a gift....

tpender13 · April 2012

If you originally budgeted $200 for her "gift" and only spent $80, could you spend that extra money to help with FBIL's attire?

I do agree w/PPs that said that it seems you're trying to accommodate her and she's being difficult.

Rachers, I also pictured MOH shoving her boobs in OP's face.

Snippylynn · April 2012

White trash post of the day?

missmayberry · April 2012

ok, first of all let me say this: i classified this as an ettiquette issue because in my eyes it is bad ettiquette for her to be telling me how much she is spending on my shower when i didn't ask for one, and that it is making her broke. my bad. and, i'm not trying to decide how they spend their money. and no, her enhancements weren't decided in advance. they couldn't figure out what to do with their LARGE income tax fefund and her husband jokingly said, "why don't you get some bolt-ons, HAHAHA" and she said, " ok, cool!" not at all planned out, not to mention the fact that it had to be a huge secret because they owed some people some money. and yes, we did discuss with them in advance about what they would be expected to buy and what they're budget was and they were all in agreeance. and yes, i realize no one will look at his boots and say, "OMG they don't match his brother's! how terrible." i was just worried it would upset my FI because that has been one of the only concerns/wants he has had for this whole thing and i was trying to avoid that. and, as for her "gift"... it was a gift because she has always been saying for the almost 2 years i have known her how much she wished she had a great pair of boots. so, i'm gonna drop the whole FBIL boots thing and hope my FI does too. at least they will match in clothing. thanks ladies!

missmayberry · April 2012

and, i don't know why it has ARKANSAS on my profile, i'm actually from SW missouri... i can't seem to change it...

OliveOilsMom · April 2012

OP - can you see if you can pay to have FBIL's boots cleaned up and polished by a cobbler? They can make the boots look brand new and it will be much cheaper than buying brand new boots.

And just ignore FSIL when she starts talking about the money. It's her own fault she got the boob job and put them in financial distress. Just try to be as accomodating as possible. You have done great so far, in the dress issue and with FBILs jeans. You only have 30 days left!

lyndausvi · April 2012

I think I would just pay for a shoe shine for the old boots and call it a day. It's not really worth getting upset over.

dumdumfroggie · April 2012

The only thing that's really out of line here, is you wanting the BM to buy special boots for the wedding. If you're requiring special footwear, then you need to be footing the bill for that.

missmayberry · April 2012

boot shinin' it is................................

Kimmyznc · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:2f54f955-9173-49b8-b713-0fb53f6419cd">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]The only thing that's really out of line here, is you wanting the BM to buy special boots for the wedding. <strong> If you're requiring special footwear, then you need to be footing the bill for that.
</strong>Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

No pun intended.

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:33504397-42f5-4007-a135-34879a975a75">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long) : That's the party line, anyway. I think if it's something that they'd wear again, you're fine.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Yeah, with OP's clarification that the MOH has been wanting a pair for a long time, I think that's okay. My sister originally wanted to buy boots for my H for their wedding (he was a GM) and he would never have worn them again, like ever, so in that case, totally not okay to count that as a gift.

I bought all my girls necklaces to wear for the wedding, I wrapped it with their gifts, but I still bought each of them something individual. My other sister, who was my MOH, has worn that necklace every day since the wedding.

Stackeye210 · April 2012

Relax. Aren't cowboy boots supposed to be worn out? Aged to perfection?

I never thought I'd see a post about cowboy boots and boob jobs all wrapped into one. This is a first.

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:5e9fd406-0a48-433b-b5c4-84de56b28e7c">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, first of all let me say this: i classified this as an ettiquette issue because in my eyes it is bad ettiquette for her to be telling me how much she is spending on my shower when i didn't ask for one, and that it is making her broke. my bad. and, i'm not trying to decide how they spend their money. and no, her enhancements weren't decided in advance. they couldn't figure out what to do with their LARGE income tax fefund and her husband jokingly said, "why don't you get some bolt-ons, HAHAHA" and she said, " ok, cool!" not at all planned out, not to mention the fact that it had to be a huge secret because they owed some people some money. and yes, we did discuss with them in advance about what they would be expected to buy and what they're budget was and they were all in agreeance. and yes, i realize no one will look at his boots and say, "OMG they don't match his brother's! how terrible." i was just worried it would upset my FI because that has been one of the only concerns/wants he has had for this whole thing and i was trying to avoid that. and, as for her "gift"... it was a gift because she has always been saying for the almost 2 years i have known her how much she wished she had a great pair of boots. so, i'm gonna drop the whole FBIL boots thing and hope my FI does too. at least they will match in clothing. thanks ladies! :)
Posted by missmayberry[/QUOTE]

Seriously, we weren't joking around that your posts are difficult to read. Please use proper capitalization, punctuation, and paragraphs. It's not because we are grammar Nazis, it's because posts are difficult to read without it.

Stackeye210 · April 2012

jemmini it's kind of all or nothing. You either get a word in ALL CAPS or none at all. What can you do?

lyndausvi · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:02e71424-6c4e-4e8a-9989-1ee5907e0160">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]boot shinin' it is................................
Posted by missmayberry[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good call.</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly I get she is being a real PITA. I get it. As much as she is being difficult you will never look good 'making' someone pay for something they can't or just do not want to pay for. People do not like other people spending their money. They just don't. You are much better off venting to us about her, but be the bigger person and just let it go.

</div><div>
</div><div>
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</div>

mari0225 · April 2012

Good call on the boot shining!

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-out-of-line-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:eeb11985-f550-4170-990e-9b88d37d4485Post:7edb3146-78f0-4bdc-8c62-08a1efeaf06d">Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]jemmini it's kind of all or nothing. You either get a word in ALL CAPS or none at all. What can you do?
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

Maybe she pays for each capital letter she uses? LOL

sarabellam · April 2012

Capitalization is your friend - it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

MOH out of line? (kinda long)

Re: MOH out of line? (kinda long)

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