I'm going to try to keep this short, but we will see
My FMIL is horrible, an absolute nightmare...I'm sure it could be worse, especially with somethings that you read on the knot, but I'm not sure if I want to find out!
Some background: FMIL doesn't like me, noone knows why, she just doesn't...I go out of my way to please her, take FI advice on how to handle things, and everything is still wrong.
FMIL does this wonderful thing with me where (when we are alone) she will make a snide comment about FFIL (they are divorced) and then go and tell everyone that I said this comment about her...ie, last spring we were having lunch and she said "I don't know why FFIL expects you two to visit him, you can't afford to always to driving up here to see him" (FFIL and FMIL live in the same town and FMIL wants us to visit her every other weekend, but I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything) then the next day when we were leaving her house, she was crying and told FI that I told her "We can't afford to always drive up here just because you want to see us." OMG, I bawled the whole way home, because I didn't say anything to her and she was the one to say it! Then she went and told her sisters, parents, and nephew that I said this and I hadn't even met any of them yet!
For Christmas, FMIL and her husband gave us a 1 year old dishwasher, fridge, sink, and garbage disposal to replace our older ones and volunteered to come down and install them (this is a 45 min drive from their place). They came down one weekend last month to do this, FI told me on Friday that they were coming down Saturday morning and then went back to his video game. Saturday afternoon comes around and FMIL and husband show up with their 2 big dogs and truckfull of suitcacses and supplies. I didn't know they were staying the night or that their dogs were coming. Now this wouldn't have been a big deal, except for 2 things: 1) We already have 2 big dogs, and we have a very small 2 bedroom house. And her dogs are very aggressive with our less than year old dogs, pinning them to the ground and biting at them, all while growling. And their one dog had already started growling at OUR dogs, in OUR house when they were still more than 20 ft away from each other. I put our dogs outside and that's where they stayed for the entire afternoon (FYI this is Nebraska in January, BURR) because she didn't want her dogs outside and the 4 of them can't stay in the same room together without one of ours getting hurt of one of them knocking something over trying to escape the wrath. This wasn't fair to our dogs in their own home. And 2) I have talked to FI about communicating things with me, and he didn't tell me the full story, even though he had known for over a week, so I was upset with him, because if he would've told me, we could have figured out a plan for the dogs and sleeping arrangements (since one of our bedrooms is actually an office) and it wouldn't have been sprung on me (I hate surprises, they make me anxious and stressed, and he knows this). So FMIL ended up leaving that night with the dogs, while her husband stayed, and she came back the next morning with no dogs. That night she sent me a facebook message (we aren't even friends on FB, but she still manages to message me) saying that she's never felt so unwelcome and she will probably never come back to our house again. I talked to FI and he said to just explain to her that it wasn't about her, it was about the lack of communication from him and apologize for the misunderstanding. So I did just that. Her response came a few days later and said that she never wanted him to marry me (I already knew that, she is still really good friends with his ex and has made it clear to me that she would be her top choice for him) and that "he hasn't had as much alone time as you, since you are 3 years older than him. He needs some more time alone and doesn't need to be settling down so early." She apparently had this conversation with FBIL after FI talked to them both about the kind of ring he wanted to get me for their opinions. FI was entirely upset about this message, as this was the worst message she has written me, and trust me, there have been a lot; I chose not to respond and to just ignore it, as far as she was concerned. (Oh and FYI, FI and I are both out of college and paying our own bills and living on our own, to clarify the too young thing...aka, he's not 18 and a deadbeat, haha)
Now we are having wedding related issues with her. Last week we were in Oklahoma for FBIL's basic training graduation, and FMIL wanted to go to Hobby Lobby (Awesome because I love HL). FI told her about our cake topper that we are looking for (a blinged out R, because our cake has alternating layers of rhinestone ribbon) and she gave a disapproving look. (Now is the time to mention that she told us that she will take care of the RD and groom's cake, even though I was excited to make the groom's cake myself, but gave that up to her to make her happy, but that she will foot nothing more with the wedding expenses). So she sets out to find us a different topper and buys it, along with the serving set we were eyeing but hadn't decided on. Now this topper is cute, but doesn't fit the cake ideas, so now I am making alterations to the topper and the cake, to make them mesh as opposed to clash! I don't want to hurt her feelings by returning the topper (even though she told me to if I want to, it's a test to see if I'll do it), so I'm just going to make it work.
The purpose of writing for advice though is a situation that has been going on for a few weeks. FI asked me to help him picked a song for the dance with his mother at the reception because I'm more musically inclined and knowledgeable that him, so I created a long list and he listened to him. He narrowed it down to 3 and wanted his mom's opinion. She listened to them then told him that she doesn't like them because she wants a song that is meaningful to her, FI, and FBIL. FI is now upset because FMIL always has favored FBIL and is now doing it again when FI just wants a moment with his mom and FBIL has to be brought into it. FI and FBIL love each other and are best friends, but FI just wants something to be about him. Part of him wants to just say "Ok, mom, whatever, just pick something and I'll do it," but the other part of him wants to say "Mom, I know you miss FBIL since he is in the Army, but this is my wedding so we either do something that honors my relationship with my mother or we don't, I want a moment with my mom, this isn't the time for the 3 musketeers crap" and add a "screw you" in there. What do you all think he should do? He's the oldest and tired of always taking the back seat to his little brother, and especially doesn't want to for his wedding. He is capable of sticking up to his mother, ie, when we got engaged and were trying to set a date, FMIL kept saying "you know your bother won't be able to be there probably right? Are you sure you want to do this? I want your brother to be there" etc. FI said, "Mom, I want him there to, but its impossible to plan our wedding about his military schedule, we don't know what it will ever be. I talked to him about it and he will try to be there whenever we choose, but it can't be planned and him and I both understand and accept it no matter how hard it might be. So just stop, the guilt trip with you is only pissing me off and I'm gonna stop asking your opinion if you can't be supportive." But although he is capable of this, he hates to stand up to her and usually chooses not to (just like the cake topper thing). Please help! What should he say/do? Anything? Specifically about the dance thing, but in general is good too! Thanks!